To not leave my baby with someone she doesn’t know ? And I don’t speak to?

[Lochflower]

Have a young baby. 8 months. Relationship with MIL etc has been VERY strained. We’ve both been petty made mistakes etc but in short I was bitter I got offered no help when my son was born and she’s made no effort to see him.

But recently (6 weeks ago) I went round and told her I want to put everything behind us and I want my son to have a grandma. My mum passed away 3 years ago.
So she agreed. Not much has changed really, I’ve asked her on 5 different occasions would she watch him for an hour or so- there’s always been a reason why not. One was ‘ I don’t think I’ll be up at that time ‘ ( I had an appointment at 9.30)
But anyway in the last 6 weeks she ended up having him for an hour one day, this is the first time she’s had him alone. I was fine with this.
She asked me if she could see him tomrorow for abit - it is slightly annoying me that whenever I ask for help she is ‘ busy’ but I do feel forced to change my plans for her. Mainly to keep peace.

Fast forward to tomrorow she messaged me this morning saying she has to go somewhere and I can leave my son with her daughter ( my sons aunty ) at the house till she’s back.
Aunty hasn’t seen my son since January, I think I’ve spoke to her once since son was born. I did message her abit ago asking if she wanted to come to a spring fair with us but no response - so I did try.
But anyway I replied with -
I don't think I'd be comfortable to be honest, she hasn't seen him in a long time so I’d rather she did before I just left him. Let me know when you’re back if that’s easier ?

And now I’m getting shit from all directions.
My partner is saying I’m pathetic. Am I?
I don’t want to leave him with someone he doesn’t know and I don’t speak to- also baring in mind it’s mt last month of maternity I don’t even need to leave him I was only leaving him with his mum for a couple of hoes to keep peace ! I just feel like I’m being forced into something I don’t want to do.
I’ve text the aunty at the same time askinf f she’d like to do something soon. So I am trying - I just don’t want to leave him alone with her ? AIBU?

I live in Essex and there are loads of unlit country roads.

He’s just called me on his lunch. He’s getting it down his neck apparntly from both MIL and sister.
Despite the fact the sister hasn’t replied to my text when I asked if she wanted to get together this weekend etc.
His mum is just slagging me off saying I’m pathetic why does it mater to me. God I should have just said yes this is draining

What’s your childcare plans when you return to work?

My son is going to nursery, my best friend had her little boy 6 weeks earlier than me- and is going to be his key worker ! So luckily we’ve been able to go to lots of baby groups together and he is really familiar with her and another girl that works there

Don't leave baby with someone you don't know. You can always lie and say he has been really cranky and sell it like you are doing them a favour. You need to not ask her for help anymore.

I way would either of them be having my baby unsupervised

Amibeingdaft81 did you miss the part where the OP posted that she didn't need childcare for all of the requests only one of them, it was for them to have contact.

the 6 times I’ve asked- it was purely for her to see him and I made that clear- as in.. hi we have no plans tomororw if you’re off you’re welcome to take him for a walk or even come round for a brew etc. The only time I made it clear I needed the help was when I had a morning appointment

I can't get my head around just dropping a baby off at someone's house when you have no need for childcare. If they want a relationship they should welcome you both in and come over when you invite them. This is a bit odd to me but probably a reflection of the fact that they see your partner isn't that invested in you, so they feel no need to be. Keep your baby with you and sod the lot of them.

Tell the lot of them to fuck off and get on with your life just you and your son. I also have family on both sides who make no effort whatsoever and only see my kids when I take them to visit. It’s so draining and I don’t really have time for that shit in my life.

You will never win in this situation so why bother trying.

Although it's your partner's sister, if you feel uncomfortable leaving your son with her then don't.
Also don't allow your partner or his mother bully you into leaving your son with her.

Your partner sounds as if he wants to please his mother more than you. Think seriously about your relationship with him as he doesn't seem to take your feelings into consideration.

Don't be scared to leave him and go alone. You sound amazing and I'm sure you will cope with just you and your little boy.

You’re happy leaving the baby with mil who doesn’t know the baby well but not with sil? Using the excuse of not knowing the baby well to leave him with her doesn’t work in this situ given the same is the case for mil.

Tbh I’d personally be happier to have mil see the baby with me around given the strained history her lack of interest and that she doesn’t know the baby very well. I wouldn’t be asking her to look after baby without me at this point. It might be better to be around to build their relationship, if that’s something you’re trying to encourage. It sounds like mil might be more keen on this too and might feel like you’re just trying to build a relationship to get some time to yourself and use her as a babysitter.

I can see your POV but if mil was looking after the baby she may well have left him with sil during their time together without you knowing beforehand. I think you’ve got to decide if you’re happy for and have enough trust in mil to use her discretion and look after your baby without you there or whether it’s better to be around whilst mil builds a relationship with the baby, or if you want to leave it with mil to contact you to arrange something.

You know that your real problem isn't your MIL, right? (To be fair, with relationships the real problem is almost never what the OP thinks it is!) Ignore her, she is a minor irritant. My own parents are disinterested grandparents and I long ago gave up on trying to give my children the loving relationship that I had with my father's parents. The more you disengage, the less stress they can cause you.

Start building a new life for yourself and your child. Do it quietly, and get good legal advice about maintenance and residence. Secure your important documents, make sure that either you have a place to go or you can stay where you are without him. Make sure that he will not legally be allowed to just take the baby and not bring him back. Your partner does not love you and he will not care about being fair or sensible when you split up.

To add, I’d completely understand if you decided not to leave your baby with your mil.

I did not read all the details but in any circumstance, I cannot imagine just to drop my 8 months old daughter (either of them) with someone they did not know before and just leave. They would both be very vigilant where their mother is in a strange environment and around strange people.
I think all adult relationship issues apart: It's a baby not a thing.

Like others have said, OP, you need to build an escape route. The DP and his relatives sound unhelpful and unpleasant.

Honestly op there is a very very good reason why you and MIL are not close, and that isn't changing any time soon.

She is not going to change simply because a gc has been born, she is hard wired clearly to put herself first. She is absolutely a 'fair weather' gp pp was spot on. It is very common. So you do one of two things;

1. Pull back and just see her occasionally (better with lots of other family) and organise help elsewhere when you need it (friends, siblings or oh looks after him or just take the baby with you to the dentist as many of us have done)

2. You continue to ask/plead for help the relationship with be purely based on her convenience as and when she can fit you in.

The whole leaving with auntie is irrelevant as ds is your child and you get to decide when and who he is left with.

Your MIL does not sound to interested op. I would take a big step back personally.

Your oh needs to decide what is more important to him, his mother or his own little family. He is not going to be able to please everyone. I would ignore his protests and focus on a support network with good friends or a trusted sitter to look after your child, and don't ask them for anything else going forward.

By the way op, your child will not miss having gps, you don't miss what you have never known. The main carer is you, and as long as you are available and loving that is all he will ever need.

OP, sounds like your partner was not with you when you gave birth and only came back months later so I am assuming he is not named on the birth certificate. If that is the case, tell him to piss off, he has no parental responsibility at the moment so what he wants is no concern of yours.

Tell your dp he can start taking ds to his dm's one night for tea. Not your job to facilitate their relationship....

I totally totally get that you don't want to leave your child with someone they don't know. Your reasons are completely right in my opinion. I wouldn't leave my child either in your situation, especially as you don't actually need the childcare.
You've done the right thing trying to include his sister and try and all get together so he gets used to her. I don't understand why your DP, MIL and SIL don't understand this.
Your priority is your child and how comfortable your he will be. You have done nothing wrong at all and your DP needs to see that you're only thinking of your son.
I'm all for family having good relationships but you're his family aswell. He needs to have your back in these situations because you and your DS should be his priority. Hope things get easier for you xxx

Frankly, you’ve made an admirable effort to build a relationship between them and your son. At this point, I’d suggest you tell your OH you’ve only asked your MIL for childcare help to give her time alone with the baby. Then tell him you’re tired of trying, and he can make arrangements to go visit, or invite them around to your place. Then I’d focus on building relationships with your friends’ families and let him sort out his own family’s relationships. I did not leave my children with people they didn’t know. As someone said, they’re not wind up toys to be passed around, and as his #1 caregiver, you know what is best for him. He should be with you or his father when other people visit anyway, not left alone with them at this young age.

I completely understand your perspective tbh. When you ask for her help, she always has an excuse not to do it but now expects you to drop everything to suit her timetable. I’d just say no and leave it at that. Enjoy your last month of maternity leave.

What @IamWaggingBrenda says

YANBU and you have been through a lot and I would not have left my young child with a person they do not know. Saying "Auntie" does not suddenly make everything ok. PLus she has no experience with young children and you have not seen her interact with your child.

Keep trong and stand your ground and build the other relationships at YOUR pace - donlt be forced into their pace.

Plus... be cautious (yeah, I'm a cynic!). Is your OH back for you or his child? He should be supporting YOU first, not them.

So you’re going to leave your child with a virtual stranger so not to upset your partner who left you when pregnant and only recently returned?

Wow..

I haven’t read further updates but OP, it’s clear your issues are more deeply rooted. You don’t need to surround yourself with these idiots.