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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not leave my baby with someone she doesn’t know ? And I don’t speak to?

127 replies

Lochflower · 10/06/2019 11:05

Have a young baby. 8 months. Relationship with MIL etc has been VERY strained. We’ve both been petty made mistakes etc but in short I was bitter I got offered no help when my son was born and she’s made no effort to see him.

But recently (6 weeks ago) I went round and told her I want to put everything behind us and I want my son to have a grandma. My mum passed away 3 years ago.
So she agreed. Not much has changed really, I’ve asked her on 5 different occasions would she watch him for an hour or so- there’s always been a reason why not. One was ‘ I don’t think I’ll be up at that time ‘ ( I had an appointment at 9.30)
But anyway in the last 6 weeks she ended up having him for an hour one day, this is the first time she’s had him alone. I was fine with this.
She asked me if she could see him tomrorow for abit - it is slightly annoying me that whenever I ask for help she is ‘ busy’ but I do feel forced to change my plans for her. Mainly to keep peace.

Fast forward to tomrorow she messaged me this morning saying she has to go somewhere and I can leave my son with her daughter ( my sons aunty ) at the house till she’s back.
Aunty hasn’t seen my son since January, I think I’ve spoke to her once since son was born. I did message her abit ago asking if she wanted to come to a spring fair with us but no response - so I did try.
But anyway I replied with -
I don't think I'd be comfortable to be honest, she hasn't seen him in a long time so I’d rather she did before I just left him. Let me know when you’re back if that’s easier ?

And now I’m getting shit from all directions.
My partner is saying I’m pathetic. Am I?
I don’t want to leave him with someone he doesn’t know and I don’t speak to- also baring in mind it’s mt last month of maternity I don’t even need to leave him I was only leaving him with his mum for a couple of hoes to keep peace ! I just feel like I’m being forced into something I don’t want to do.
I’ve text the aunty at the same time askinf f she’d like to do something soon. So I am trying - I just don’t want to leave him alone with her ? AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lochflower · 10/06/2019 11:30

Basically MIL has week days off as does his sister. So I think he just sees it as my job to make plans for them to see the baby. But he also reallt doesn’t understand why I just don’t want to drop him off tomorrow. Being called ungrateful and pathetic - but I don’t need anyone to watch him!! I just see it as eating into my maternity leave

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 10/06/2019 11:32

OK, do you think facilitating the relationship would be easier if you asked her to come round/took the baby to visit, simply so he can see his grandma, rather than asking her to 'Watch him for an hour or so'?

It kind of does come across a bit as you only want her to see the baby, when you need someone to watch him.

Original poster
Lochflower · 10/06/2019 11:34

I can kind of understand that yes I think that’s why I have tried to be careful still inviting her round etc. However for me I think the mentality of - I can say no to you whenever but if I ask you and you say no..
That’s what bothers me. She instantly text my partner this morning telling him what I said, which doesn’t bother me- but I don’t message him when I invite her round and she tells me she is going to walk the dog instead

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 10/06/2019 11:34

God, no. She wants to see him so the thing she needs to do is actually be there. If she can’t, and you don’t need the babysitting, why would you leave the baby with a virtual stranger?

IvanaPee · 10/06/2019 11:34

If you don’t need anyone to watch him then stop phrasing it like a request to have them watch him!

Your partner is being a prick, frankly. Does he always call you names?

Why won’t you just stand up for yourself?

Tell him you’re not organizing anything in the future. If they want to see ds they know where you live.

If he wants ds to see them then he can take him on the weekend after they finish work and give you an hour’s peace.

Original poster
Lochflower · 10/06/2019 11:36

I don’t want to stand up to him because he left me when I was pregnant. He only came back when baby was about 3 months old. I just can’t be arsed with the arguments but I want him to see I am making effort I just have limits on what I believe to be right

OP posts:
blushmelikeyou · 10/06/2019 11:37

Text MIL then you don't need SIL to babysit and if any of them want to see your little one to pop in for a cuppa. Then tell your OH it's up to him to facilitate a relationship in future between your child and his family.

My partner deals with his family and will take the kids to see his parents and brother on a weekend if I can't go with him.

blushmelikeyou · 10/06/2019 11:37

So your basically scared to rock the boat incase he leaves again? That's no way to live OP.

IvanaPee · 10/06/2019 11:38

I don’t want to stand up to him because he left me when I was pregnant. He only came back when baby was about 3 months old.

Shock

Jesus, OP. You cannot live your life like that! It’s not fair on you OR your ds.

ComeAndDance · 10/06/2019 11:39

Your issue here is your partner.
The problem is that you don’t feel you can say NO to MIL/SIL because of hi answer and more specifically because of the aggro your are receiving from him.
Being called ungrateful and pathetic isn’t on when you dint actually want to have anything to do with the issue and try to impose your POV rather than listen and negotiate with your partner.

My first step would be to have a long look at your relationship and ask yourself if your partner is a decent guy or not.

SmilingThroughIt · 10/06/2019 11:39

Firstly you seem to care more about your partner than yourself. He left you when you were pregnant, so why are you so desperate to jump so high when he tells you what to do?
I dont think yabu at all about leaving him with sil. The most important person is your baby, he doesnt know who she is so it will be very upsetting for him.

FirstTimeMummyDS88 · 10/06/2019 11:40

I have an absolutely horrendous relationship with my DP family and I like you for a long time did the "say nothing to prevent arguments" this is not helping anyone in the long run, it will just lead to resentment building up between you and your partner. It is not your responsibility to facilitate a relationship between your child and anyone else, if they want to be in your child's life they will make time to be. My DP sister lives in Australia and on her last visit she couldn't understand why I didn't want her to take my 11 months old (5 months at the time) DS out for the day when she had never met him. It may cause an argument but Op you need to sit your partner down and set out your boundaries clearly. Good Luck Smile

Original poster
Lochflower · 10/06/2019 11:40

I know I used to hate people like me. The weird thing is I know I can do it alone. I had a csection I was home alone from day 1 I did every feed I did everything I was fine. My sons never had a night away from me and I’ve never felt like I needed him to.
I know I’d be fine alone- I just don’t want to be
I don’t want to loose my family over something I see as petty, yet I don’t want to compromise what I feel best for my son. It’s an awkward balance and I just don’t know what to do

OP posts:
ComeAndDance · 10/06/2019 11:41

Xpost.

Well, he is clearly proving to you again that he isnt a nice guy and will not have your back.
Why did you accept to see him coming back? Don’t you think you would be better wo him of the only thing he can do is either create some aggro OR make you feel like walking on eggshells/can’t say a word that would upset him?

ComeAndDance · 10/06/2019 11:41

His behaviour towards you is NOT a petty issue.

AuntieStella · 10/06/2019 11:42

So MIL sees this as havng her DGC round to play, and therefore as host she gets to choose when it works for her.

You want her to act as a kind of childcare and have your DC when you say so. I think yours is the unreasonable expectation here. She is the host, he's ping to her house, and so she gets to choose when.

I think you are making a mistake in not going to the auntie's together. Yo never know when you might need someone to help out and, as you say, it's much better if it's someone the DC has some familiarity with. This is a (lost) chance to build exactly that.

I suggest you leave more of the planning if when you se DP's family to DP. It'll ease the stress on you (assuming that he is going to be reasonably competent at it)

Original poster
Lochflower · 10/06/2019 11:44

I completely agree I want him to have familiarity with his aunty. Which is why I’ve tried to plan coffees days out etc. I just didn’t thinn dropping him off and leaving with someone who hasn’t even seen him for 6 months is something I’m comfortable with. I just don’t know why they don’t see that

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 10/06/2019 11:45

Your family is you and ds.

Your emotionally manipulative bastard of a “partner” is your bully.

blushmelikeyou · 10/06/2019 11:45

This is not about facilitating a relationship with other people this is about you being scared of your partner!!

Original poster
Lochflower · 10/06/2019 11:48

I’m not scared of him as such jusy scared of the backlash and the bickering over something I see as simple.
He’s just told me I’m being awkward because my mums passed I don’t want anyone else near my son- not the case at all I was the one who’s constantly tried to facilitate relationship and even abandoned my pride and went round ! And text his sister asking if she wanted to get together !
Abit insulting really Sad

OP posts:
Wheresthebeach · 10/06/2019 11:48

OP you don't have an issue with relatives. Your relationship sounds toxic. Name calling, not rocking the boat. Yikes.

Antonin · 10/06/2019 11:49

OP at 8 months your DS is coming up to a clingy stage and the worse thing you can do is to leave him with a stranger ( and an inexperienced stranger, at that) when there is no need.
Are you intending to use a nursery/minder when your maternity leave ends? If so your better to avoid his becoming upset when left with a 21 year old who probably won’t know what to do if he becomes distressed. He is not an animated toy.
Be firm with your OH that just because a stranger is a family member does not mean your DS will not be distressed.
Re-evaluate whether this relationship is worth continuing. You can’t live the rest of your life walking on egg shells. What will happen when more important parenting decisions arise that you feel even more strongly about if OH refuses to see your point of view? How will all of this affect your DS?
Good luck, stay strong

IvanaPee · 10/06/2019 11:49

Backlash and bickering is awful though!

That is not a good relationship.

FizzyGreenWater · 10/06/2019 11:53

I know I’d be fine alone- I just don’t want to be

You are already and he will leave you eventually. He's not a real partner, and he doesn't love you. Break this off now before you end up really unhappy. Bear in mind that if you go along with things until his family are in charge, it's then hard to change that once you catch him cheating or he leaves again - you'll be stuck much more than you are now.

I don’t want to loose my family over something I see as petty

They're not your family. He isn't a family with you. You HAVE to realise that. You are not going to have a supportive partner or a loving grandma. This isn't a nice man or a nice family.

Walk away and have the added bonus of not having your son growing up with these people.

HJWT · 10/06/2019 11:55

Op you need to be telling HIM all of this xx stand up for yourself & your son xx

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