To not leave my baby with someone she doesn’t know ? And I don’t speak to?

[Lochflower]

Have a young baby. 8 months. Relationship with MIL etc has been VERY strained. We’ve both been petty made mistakes etc but in short I was bitter I got offered no help when my son was born and she’s made no effort to see him.

But recently (6 weeks ago) I went round and told her I want to put everything behind us and I want my son to have a grandma. My mum passed away 3 years ago.
So she agreed. Not much has changed really, I’ve asked her on 5 different occasions would she watch him for an hour or so- there’s always been a reason why not. One was ‘ I don’t think I’ll be up at that time ‘ ( I had an appointment at 9.30)
But anyway in the last 6 weeks she ended up having him for an hour one day, this is the first time she’s had him alone. I was fine with this.
She asked me if she could see him tomrorow for abit - it is slightly annoying me that whenever I ask for help she is ‘ busy’ but I do feel forced to change my plans for her. Mainly to keep peace.

Fast forward to tomrorow she messaged me this morning saying she has to go somewhere and I can leave my son with her daughter ( my sons aunty ) at the house till she’s back.
Aunty hasn’t seen my son since January, I think I’ve spoke to her once since son was born. I did message her abit ago asking if she wanted to come to a spring fair with us but no response - so I did try.
But anyway I replied with -
I don't think I'd be comfortable to be honest, she hasn't seen him in a long time so I’d rather she did before I just left him. Let me know when you’re back if that’s easier ?

And now I’m getting shit from all directions.
My partner is saying I’m pathetic. Am I?
I don’t want to leave him with someone he doesn’t know and I don’t speak to- also baring in mind it’s mt last month of maternity I don’t even need to leave him I was only leaving him with his mum for a couple of hoes to keep peace ! I just feel like I’m being forced into something I don’t want to do.
I’ve text the aunty at the same time askinf f she’d like to do something soon. So I am trying - I just don’t want to leave him alone with her ? AIBU?

You are allowing your partner to control you. You should have run for the hills when he left the first time. Fuck not wanting to upset him. It's up to him to facilitate a relationship between the baby and his family. Stop pandering to the lot of them and get on with your own plans for your remaining maternity leave. He can bring the baby to visit his family at weekends if he's working mid week. I'd be seriously rethinking staying in a relationship with him tbh. Not wanting to be on your own is not a good enough reason to stay with someone who treats you like shit.

I’m sorry you’ve lost your DM OP but you are able to create your own family with supportive friends. I grew up without any grandparents at all and really didn’t notice the loss because I’d never had it. Children accept their own situation as being the norm. Alternatively some areas have an “adopt a granny” scheme where your DS would get an older person eager to give your child a grandparent’s love.

This is bollox. Your dc is not a parcel to be passed around, a toy or an asset to be fought over. The normal way of family seeing young kids is with the parent. If the child and relative are ok together then they may babysit or develop independent relationship.
How is aunt with child, you don't know. Child may happily be left with her by you and then upset at handover to gran because you are not there. Your child, your rules.

Op you asked her to look after your son 5 times in 6 weeks. Previously no relationship with your son.

Everyone probably, fairly reasonably, thinks you’re desperate for childcare. So I’m not surprised they are all surprised

Sorry you’re asked her 6x in 6 weeks

I think it's fine to politely decline the offer but I think maybe you have quite high expectations of your MiL which might be causing problems. My Mil has never babysat. While it would be nice if she did it really shouldn't be an expectation. If she's said no on four other occasions I wouldn't keep asking MiL to babysit - just make other arrangements when you have an appointment.

He’s just told me I’m being awkward because my mums passed I don’t want anyone else near my son

Not sure he has a leg to stand on there, it doesn’t sound like you’ve stopped SIL seeing your son, but it doesn’t really sound like she cares enough to. Her decision, not yours.

I’m assuming she’s a busy 21 year old if she hasn’t bothered seeing her brothers baby. Which is fine, but the repercussions of that are surely “no you can’t babysit because you don’t have a relationship with him”. I don’t think you are being U at all.

OP you are on denial about this awful relationship and it's making you focus on this issue with your MIL too much at the expense of looking at what the real problem is, your relationship.

I also agree that since you asked Mil so many times to watch your child for you she probably assumes you're desperate for childcare and aren't managing so this sounds like a kind offer to help you out.

I’ll add... especially “no you can’t babysit” because you didn’t actually need a babysitter. MIL asked to see him and then had decided to go out, so why would you bother taking him round there at all?!

They seem completely disinterested and your partner sounds like a useless loser. He walked out on you and now your trying to keep the peace so he dosnt do it again? You shouldn't be worrying about that. You should be able to disagree with your partner without fearing he will walk out on you.

No way would I leave my baby with some one he dosnt know- if they have any brain cells between them they can see you've tried to integrate them into your family it's them who seem to be lazy and reluctant.

The Aubrey dosnt even answer your texts so she wouldn't be having my baby.

Be strong and firm.

No .. trust is earned and you are trying to compromise ..
But the OP was happy to actively pursue her mil looking after her baby despite a long period of not seeing her, in fact after a prolonged period of anger towards her mum. And then the op suddenly switched

mil not mum

I will just add the MIL has had sparce contact prior to me reaching out , it wasn’t completely nothing. Just not much

The family are seeing the OP have nothing to do with her mil

Then forgiving her and overnight asking her mil to watch her baby. 6x in 6 weeks

On the basis of that the family are presuming

1. The OP wants help with childcare

2 the OP is happy to go from her baby having no relationship with the mil to the OP actually asking to leave him alone with her

So I am not surprised they’re a bit

I think the 6x in 6 weeks is being abit misinterpreted.
Only once have I specifically asked please could you watch him for one hour while I attend an appointment. The other times have been me simply initiating contact wether it be, would you like to come for s coffee with us, would you like to take the pram out, I’m going to get him some new clothes do you want to come etc

No misinterpretation here OP

* I’ve asked her on 5 different occasions would she watch him for an hour or so-*

One thing that’s really upset me is my Dad watched him at home while I went to a charity function the other week, MIL is now saying it’s insultig he’s trusted when she’s had two children. So has my dad ?
And I have a child I don’t think jt means I’m qualified to watch everyone’s child.
I just don’t undedTnd why it’s such a big issue I’ve said I’m happy for them to see him spend time with him etc ALL I’ve said is I didn’t feel comfortable with aunty watching him when he hasn’t even seen her face for 6 months and prior to this he met her twice !

Sorry I did try to clarify that I always worded it as I was trying to facilitate a relationship rather than a baby sitter it wasn’t like that

Go easy on the OP, she's a new mum, has lost her own and has a controlling wanker for a partner. She is probably not in the mindset of leaving him.

OP, a bit of friendly advice though from someone older than you, with no mum and no support network. Your partner may stick around or he may not. You may end up mum and partner of the year and he may still go off, because he has form and he is a tosser.

My advice to you is to start shoring up your own end. Make friends, create a support network. Do you have any other family? Start making efforts there. TBH you sound like you would be better off on your own with your DS and without the manipulative man child.

Doesn’t sound like MIL had anything to do with OP either though? When the baby was born.

I’m not reading it as OP needs help with childcare, but rather that OP and MIL agreed they’d try and build a relationship with her son and OP has given MIL a handful of occasions to do this. I don’t blame OP for wanting the occasions to be of benefit to her rather than when she’d need to adjust her plans.

Did mil say how long before she would be back?

OP, you need a plan B for your life I am afraid because your partner is a poor excuse of a man.

I didn’t hear off MIL when son was born.
It ripped my heart in two.
The first contact I had was at 3 weeks old with a message asking me to return a toy box she bought for baby’s room ( before partner left me ) as she wanted it at her house. I found it very hard to know that the support could have been there I just wasn’t offered it. It’s taken a lot for me to go round and ask for help. I broke down in tears. I visited the doctor 2 weeks before going and told them how I felt too and got put on antidepressants. It felt so hard to finally ask for help and it hurts even more when you feel like you’ve opened up and achieved nothing