I cannot handle my sister in law and I think it'll make me absolutely lose my mind.

[LH2016]

Hi wise ones, please help me! To cut a long story short my SIL is a little older than me in her early forties, not in a relationship, and no kids. She's bossy, arrogant, opinionated and always makes me feel like shit. No filter or respect for me being her brother's wife, even though she wouldn't dare talk to the other SIL the way she talks to me. She corrects my grammar, tells me what to say and not to say, and then I thought, oh well she'll get better when we have kids because she wouldn't dare correct my parenting. I have had a difficult time telling my husband for the last seven years how she makes me feel and he basically always excuses her and never has my back. ONCE he picked her up on something. Never again. He always finds an excuse.
Yesterday she said really aggressively I do hope you aren't giving him too much fruit juice. I said, excuse me? I was so shocked. She goes on about it being the leading cause of hospital admissions. My husband starts rambling about how it's ok because we use a straw and I'm like WTF this was your chance to tell her to STFU as we are not idiots and we have it covered thanks, and so I tell him how out of order it was in the car on the way home and then I'm told his family is off limits and then we had a huge row and I called her an interfering bit*h. I think that's pretty good going once in seven years. I am his family but feel like the lowest level on the pecking order because he will NEVER correct her. So he said ok, I'll call her and tell her what she said was out of order. But then it'll get back to the MIL, the BILs and I'll be the horrible person, so guess what, I told him not to bother because of how hard it will be for HIM. So she still is free to carry on. I hate her with my every ounce of energy and live in fear that when my MIL dies, we will inherit this miserable, opinionated arrogant woman to come and ruin our Christmas and Easter and children's birthdays, She makes me feel like shit CONSTANTLY. It rips me apart and despite having a fairly good chat to clear the air for a few hours last night, the upshot is husband still thinks I should just 'challenge her respectfully' next time she does something but I know even the smack down I gave her yesterday - well you don't have a toddler so all this theoretical parenting is easy isn't it - won't be enough to stop her because she has no respect for me. My mum hates her, my friends hate her, I just can't handle it. I don't even know what I want here, there's no answer, I just cannot deal with it.

No law days you have to spend any time with her. Bullying has no age limit op. Tell your dh he needs to remember who he is married to.
Or he is welcome to go live with sil...
And mean it.

Next time call her out. If she doesn't stop leave every time. If he's not going to have your back you need to before you children copy her.

Christmas etc, hell no. No invite.

Ok this seems like an extreme reaction op. I'm sure it's years of build up but how is your mental health past this? You use some very strong words here and seem unable to cope, with what should easily be something that is a minor irritant that you shrug off.

In your position, I would simply refuse to ever be in her presence again. She sounds awful!

Good lord, you have the patience of a Saint. I would have gone for a straight forward "no that's not true" and ignored her. I have to deal with my fil like that. Dh still takes me to one side and and begs me not to upset fil or make him angry, but I am a grownup, relating to another adult and have set my boundaries.
As above, make it clear to your dh where your line is and what the consequences of crossing it again will be.
As above,

While I completely agree that your DH should have your back, if she doesn't respect you now, she's not going to if your DH has to call her a few hours after the event.

You need to pull her up every time she says something to you. Don't get personal (despite how much you feel like screaming that she's a ***), just state facts.

My mil was like this, although not as bad as your sil sounds and was equally insulting to me and dh. It drove me mad for years, and I vented to dh (who has an amazing ability to zone out when she's around). Finally, I started to correct her - the birth of dc compelled this because I couldn't have him listening to her snide comments about us. It took a while and she went off in a huff plenty of times and dh's sisters were annoyed that we had "upset" her but we continued on and now I am indifferent to her visits, rather than dreading them. She still can't help herself sometimes but she's pulled up immediately and then it's over, I don't dwell on her comments once I have corrected her on them.

She sounds horrendous, but then to be fair, your DH doesn't sound much better. His family is you as well, and it sounds like he needs to realise that pretty quickly.

You don't have to inherit her at all. Unless she keeps a civil tongue in her head you can refuse any contact with her. I'd be doing just that until she gets a grip.

If he won't speak up for you, he deserves the fall out from allowing his gobshite sister to bully his wife.

Oh god, the memories 😟
I had a sil JUST like this. Past tense as we are nc now and honestly the best thing.
Fortunately for me tho, when we had dc and childless sil ramped up the whole ‘I know everything and you’re doing it all wrong’ routine, Dh could see what a twat she was being.
Not sure what to suggest really other than pointing it out to your Dh every time she starts and hoping he comes to acknowledge it.

You've given him a chance to say something to her, he hasn't, so just repond yourself as appropriate.

After all if she is allowed to speak her mind with no consequences, so are you

If you want something done properly, do it yourself. Don't wait for your husband to stand up for you, he's clearly a bit of wet lettuce. Next time he pipes up bring her down a notch. Tell her to butt out. What's the worst that can happen? She'll get pissed off? Her relatives will pissed off? Meh so what...

When your SIL says something that upsets you, why don't you stand up for yourself there and then and shut her down? You don't have to wait for your DH to do that. Stand up for yourself. Also, fruit juice is full of sugar and YABU in giving it to your small child. SIL was actually correct with that one.

She sounds like a bitch, she's probably just jealous of what you have if she's in her 40s single no kids, clearly no one would put up with her to actually stay with her!

Just rise above it, you've already said what I'd say about her commenting on your parenting "it's so easy to give parenting advise when you have no experience of being a parent isn't it, what exactly makes you an expert again?".

Your husband needs to sort out where his loyalty lies though, he should be backing you up and telling her to fuck off, whether it's his sister or not. When I first got with my husband his sister who is a couple of years younger than us was such a nightmare. She'd make things up or twist anything that I said or did, it was ridiculous and very childish (she was early 20s at the time). My husband put her straight in the end and distanced himself from her for several years. She eventually grew up and is fine now.

Bluntness100 you're quite right and my husband kept saying you are overreacting over orange juice. I had to explain that yes it was an extreme reaction but it was a build up of seven years of her treating me like this. Sure it was extreme if it was a one off but it definitely wasn't! :-)

Thank you all so much - I definitely think if she can speak her mind and make me feel this bad, then so can I. As you say, not get personal, but tell her there's a line and she's crossed it and not to parent my kids. I absolutely hate it. I am so grateful for your support it has perked me up no end ... thank you mums xx

To be honest OP she sounds jealous of you. Perhaps she wants marriage and kids? She's not got that happiness so is trying to destroy yours.

Who cares if she respects you? What matters is your respect yourself.
You show this by, as your H suggested, is to challenge her back.

This can't go on.

chuttypicks - yep it's full of sugar and he has it fairly infrequently. She was technically correct (and we too are aware of the sugar content) but it wasn't her place to do this. But you know what, yes I will stand up for myself next time. I have held back for seven years out of respect for them all but it's clearly not reciprocated so I'll say my piece next time it happens.

OP I am sorry but you married him..not her,There is nothing written in any marriage vows I have seen that says you have to associate with her in any way,shape or form.She is in your life by default and you can choose to see her and have her in your life or not.If she is causing you this much angst you can choose to delete her out of your life,Your husband can still see her that is totally fine,I assume he is free to see her when ever he likes but you don;t have to at all....it really is as easy as that.And if she comes to you asking why then tell her,,,tell her she is over bearing and a nightmare and leave it at that,,,she is big enough to deal with the facts and so are you.

Why are you choosing to spend time with her? That's the puzzle.

You are a grown woman so I don’t understand why your husband has to “have your back”. Just tell her to mind her own bloody business.

She doesn’t care how much she upsets you, so why do you have to walk on eggshells and pussyfoot around to avoid upsetting her? Would you let your husband speak to you like shit? Or anyone else? So why let her. Woman up and tell her to butt out.

She sounds AWFUL! If I were you I'd call her on her rude behavior and do my best to not give a damn what she thinks of me. To quote RuPaul "unless those bitches be paying your rent, pay those bitches no mind".

Doesnt sound like shes going to change - but if you've bitten your tongue everytime so maybe shes just unthinkingly annoying rather than malicious...as no one has said anything to her...
some people are just thoughtless and you maybe take it more personally than your dh as he is so used to her it just washes over him....
so you have options depending on wether its unthinking or mean.... ...your dh is obviously not likely to do this as doesnt see it as an issue so you will need to ...

you may find its thoughtlessness rather than maliciousness
(my aunt comes out with stuff re kids etc thats she's read in the paper/seen on tv etc - she's just trying to be involved and doesnt have kids of her own sometimes it could be taken as critism but I know its the way she puts it...she would have said the juice type stuff I just dont take it as critsism ..just say oh hadnt heard that or we're doing this thanks or just ignore!
If it is malicius then you pull her up on it and if that doest work
don't see her ... easier but doesnt stop anything although maybe if your dh takes the dc he will get the message a bit more...

Hollowvictory I avoid it as much as poss. I never socialise with her out of choice. She is inflicted on me when my husband invites her round and when it's a family occasion (yesterday was BIL's birthday). I told husband that she is why I hate going back to his mums a few hours away and that I don't have anything against her, but she's a proper mummy's girl so whenever we go to MIL, the SIL is always there. That's why I hate going back. I choose to stay away from her as much as possible but it's not always possible and my husband and I almost came to blows when I insisted that I want even just an hour of MY CHILDREN and MY HUSBAND the four of us, on Christmas morning to open stockings, so she can't ruin that. They are a very close family and that's great for them, but it's too much for 'outsiders' like the women who marry into it. The other girlfriend of the younger BIL hates it and the other SIL lives with the BIL in Australia so they have a huge distance which helps!

not in a relationship, and no kids

Then you need to start every reply with 'When you' and finish it with 'I'll give your opinione credence or I'll listen to your opinion or similar wording that suits the situation.

'When you have children, I'll consider your opinion'

'When you have experience in that area, I'll listen to your opinion'

"Where did you find that gem, the Daily Mail? I prefer to ask other parents'

Really well done for well you don't have a toddler so all this theoretical parenting is easy isn't it Keep at it, every time!

gingersausage I bloody well will and you ladies are helping enormously with having the guts to do it. I so will next time. And thank you for not saying man up :-) I'll woman up and tell her to shut up.
Thank you mumsnet. This is why I posted here.

I think a gentle pat on the arm with an "I think we both know that's absolute bullshit, Dear....." would be lovely.

When I met DH’s family for the first time his sister and mum were absolutely awful to me, despite all the effort I put in to building a relationship, and it started with snide remarks.
They made out to others I was a gold-digger, (hilarious as he was a very poor student and I had a decent job) without ambition and a ‘religious nut’.

I pulled them up on it, told them if they had a problem to come out and say it, to stop lying to others and don’t shy away from whatever is on their minds as I wouldn’t be. They were very taken aback, and apparently shocked and appalled at how I was addressing them, but I told them that if they wanted to act like bitches then that was how I’d treat them. DH felt very awkward having me argue with his family, but to his credit he stood along side me as he could see that how they were acting was absolutely unfair.

Very quickly they decided to keep their horrible opinions to themselves, and now SIL is the one with the ‘awful’ partner, who is bad-mouthed at every opportunity.

I don’t join in, and I make it clear to him that I feel his pain as this was all about me once.