I cannot handle my sister in law and I think it'll make me absolutely lose my mind.

[LH2016]

Hi wise ones, please help me! To cut a long story short my SIL is a little older than me in her early forties, not in a relationship, and no kids. She's bossy, arrogant, opinionated and always makes me feel like shit. No filter or respect for me being her brother's wife, even though she wouldn't dare talk to the other SIL the way she talks to me. She corrects my grammar, tells me what to say and not to say, and then I thought, oh well she'll get better when we have kids because she wouldn't dare correct my parenting. I have had a difficult time telling my husband for the last seven years how she makes me feel and he basically always excuses her and never has my back. ONCE he picked her up on something. Never again. He always finds an excuse.
Yesterday she said really aggressively I do hope you aren't giving him too much fruit juice. I said, excuse me? I was so shocked. She goes on about it being the leading cause of hospital admissions. My husband starts rambling about how it's ok because we use a straw and I'm like WTF this was your chance to tell her to STFU as we are not idiots and we have it covered thanks, and so I tell him how out of order it was in the car on the way home and then I'm told his family is off limits and then we had a huge row and I called her an interfering bit*h. I think that's pretty good going once in seven years. I am his family but feel like the lowest level on the pecking order because he will NEVER correct her. So he said ok, I'll call her and tell her what she said was out of order. But then it'll get back to the MIL, the BILs and I'll be the horrible person, so guess what, I told him not to bother because of how hard it will be for HIM. So she still is free to carry on. I hate her with my every ounce of energy and live in fear that when my MIL dies, we will inherit this miserable, opinionated arrogant woman to come and ruin our Christmas and Easter and children's birthdays, She makes me feel like shit CONSTANTLY. It rips me apart and despite having a fairly good chat to clear the air for a few hours last night, the upshot is husband still thinks I should just 'challenge her respectfully' next time she does something but I know even the smack down I gave her yesterday - well you don't have a toddler so all this theoretical parenting is easy isn't it - won't be enough to stop her because she has no respect for me. My mum hates her, my friends hate her, I just can't handle it. I don't even know what I want here, there's no answer, I just cannot deal with it.

This link seems to have fairly robust stats:
www.rcseng.ac.uk/news-and-events/media-centre/press-releases/hospital-admission-tooth-decay/?utm_campaign=627266_FDS+September+Newsletter&utm_medium=dotmailer&utm_source=emailmarketing&dm_i=4D4N%2CDG02%2C117V3I%2C1I69Y%2C1.

I read ages ago (so totally unverifiable sorry) that a leading cause of issues with young children's teeth is parents thinking they can / should brush their own, when dental research suggests an adult should supervise brushing until the age of 11 because children can't do it properly until then. Dexterity issues or something.

I think the SIL in this case sounds like a bully, though. One thing from the OP's opening post that I found telling was that she wouldn't dare to talk to the other SIL that way. She's picking on the OP for whatever reason. It's also not a case of her disagreeing; she's coming out with uncalled for criticism.

It's a long thread woollycardi so I said far up at the top, that it's an accumulation of seven years of shit from one person, and nobody else on the planet makes me feel like this.

Just tell your husband that you wont be seeing her again and he can take the kids to his family gatherings/her house etc.
You can then do your own thing for that afternoon or day.Life is way too short to be putting up with this behaviour.
Also I'd give the kids just water, because fruit juice is very sugary, but its not her place to tell you this publicly really.

OP, I bit my tongue with MIL for 10 years, for the sake of XH as I didn't want to create a problem like his previous partner had, she ended up not talking to her I wonder why

Now I wish that I had called out each and every comment and stood up for myself instead of keeping the peace. I did speak up sometimes, but most of the time it just wasn't worth it.

If you can stand up to her using some of the above responses, that would be great. If she says that you can't speak to her like that, just point out that is how she treats you and you are just treating her likewise.

It will be hard for you if everyone sides with her and it will make life difficult for your X (:

and live in fear that when my MIL dies, we will inherit this miserable, opinionated arrogant woman to come and ruin our Christmas and Easter and children's birthdays,

You won’t, because you simply won’t invite her to any of it. If your DH kicks off, he is more than welcome to spend his holidays with his DSis whilst you and the kids go to your mother’s😀 There is no way I would entertain a person who treats me this way in my own house. Out of question.

Read Toxic Inlaws, Susan Forward. It has some really useful techniques and, yes, you are right in that DH should be on your side - this was emphasised throughout the book, too.

My sister is the same type of person as your SIL.

After putting up with her gems of parenting advice and wisdom for years, I lost it and said "when you have your own DC and they have been doing this, please come back to me and share your wisdom but until then, I find your advice patronising and unhelpful".

We're now NC and my life is better for it.

Time to wheel out 'Can I just stop you there?' when she starts pontificating. Most people stop talking at that point, expecting you to add to the conversation, but say nothing. Wrong foots them.

Why on earth do people ever respond to those who are so rude? Ignore her, blank her, don't say anything, develop a supercilious look down at her but do not speak. It really really upsets and annoys people if you put yourself above them by ignoring their existance.
Once your MIL dies cheer yourself up that you will not have to see her again, if your OH wants to see her he goes alone.

Oh I love that, Knittedfairies!

My thought was mentioning that opinions are like arseholes - everyone has one but that doesn't mean they need to be displayed!

She sounds unbearable - but you are right, you WILL inherit her if your DH doesn't start standing up for you as well.
Definitely pick her up on it every single time - if she doesn't have a blow up at you, it will be a miracle - and then your DH will have to make some kind of decision. Of course, if he chooses her, that will make it harder for you - but he sounds like a right kipper anyway (2 faced with no spine)

Shoulda just squirted the juice in her eye.

What a very emotional OP that was. Hating her with every ounce of your energy, are you always this highly strung? Be an adult and challenge her when she annoys you rather than ranting and raving after the event.

I had a sil like this, she was an absolute bitch to me for years, my exh used to say stand up to her or she will walk all over you, I used to physically shake when I walked into her home or when she came into mine as she would pick up on things I said, put me down and generally just bully me. In the end I told exh I won’t have her in my home again and I started standing up to her the look on her face the first time I did it was a picture! I had all the feeling she you had OP that I did be seen as the bad guy etc but that wasn’t the case lots of family members said it’s about time she had someone stand up to her

More amazing suggestions ladies thank you so much - you have made me laugh a lot but more importantly have given me some very solid ideas. THANK YOU ALL so much xxx

My SIL is a bit like this, but she has 3 kids and therefore knows everything about raising children &c. I always agree with whatever she says, nod and smile, yeah yeah good idea, and then just carry on doing whatever it was in my own sweet way.

Like twattishness off a duck's back. I'd be offended by her if her opinion mattered to me, but it doesn't.

Definitely avoid her and not hold back when you next see her.

I would tell your husband that "every time you don't have my back and allow your sister to be a nasty bitch to me I like/respect you a little bit less.
It has changed how I feel about you"

Say the above very calmly to him and let it sink in.

You are married to a weak man. Not attractive.

She's probably just feeling jealous - it sounds like she is your DH's older sister, right? So she might feel resentful that she isn't married or doesn't have kids, especially if she's now in her early 40's. Obviously that's no excuse but that could be the root of her behaviour and she's wrongly taking it out on you.

Fruit juice is the leading cause of hospital admissions?! 😂😂

My mother was an A&E nurse and I never recall her coming home and telling us about Tropicana causing a pile up on the motorway or a bottle of orange juice breaking someone’s leg.

She sounds a nightmare.

I've got one of these in the family, who does have children. I deflect with sarcasm humour.

She told me I shouldn't vaccinate because of the risk of autism (knowing I have ASD). I told her there was a close correlation between Aspergers and Cambridge admissions so we were having DD vaccinated twice.

She told me chocolate was as addictive for toddlers as cigarettes are to adults. i told her it was too late, we were only letting DD have chocolate buttons to take the edge off the crystal meth.

Can't remember all the rest - I think one of them was that it was dangerous to let children have plastic toys because of BPA, I said I agreed and DD would only be playing with entirely natural materials, like fire - but taking the piss definitely worked better than trying to justify my parenting.

I had the SIL from hell, she was a bully & tried to muscle in on how I parented my son, she caused endless arguments between me & my then husband, tried to get my disability benefits stopped. Karma has a way of coming around, her two daughters no longer have anything to do with her, she is missing out on her grandchildren & it was the happiest day of my life when I got divorced & no longer had to be in contact with her.

If you have ever watched the BBC comedy ' Mum' with Lesley Manville in it, they have a very toxic SIL character, who I thought was OTT.

Reading MN however, I realise there are downright nasty people like this around.

In ' Mum' you are waiting for the point when Lesley Manvilles character snaps..she's not answered back so far but it's coming!

A polite "ah thanks for that but I'm not actually looking for advice on child rearing at the moment.'" might do the trick. I know how you feel, some people think they can say whatever they like regardless of the consequences safe in the knowledge that their victims are too nice to answer back.

“Better poor grammar than poor manners eh?” With a big smile.

“Hmm that’s interesting,” said like you weren’t listening at all, every time she gives you some advice.

If you want t be really nasty, “You should get a cat dear, give you something to focus on”.

All four of mine drank plenty of juice by the way, straight from an open cup, mostly with a meal, probably in contact with their teeth for a second at most. I brushed their teeth for them from when the first one came through until they were ten or so. No filings in our house.