I cannot handle my sister in law and I think it'll make me absolutely lose my mind.

[LH2016]

Hi wise ones, please help me! To cut a long story short my SIL is a little older than me in her early forties, not in a relationship, and no kids. She's bossy, arrogant, opinionated and always makes me feel like shit. No filter or respect for me being her brother's wife, even though she wouldn't dare talk to the other SIL the way she talks to me. She corrects my grammar, tells me what to say and not to say, and then I thought, oh well she'll get better when we have kids because she wouldn't dare correct my parenting. I have had a difficult time telling my husband for the last seven years how she makes me feel and he basically always excuses her and never has my back. ONCE he picked her up on something. Never again. He always finds an excuse.
Yesterday she said really aggressively I do hope you aren't giving him too much fruit juice. I said, excuse me? I was so shocked. She goes on about it being the leading cause of hospital admissions. My husband starts rambling about how it's ok because we use a straw and I'm like WTF this was your chance to tell her to STFU as we are not idiots and we have it covered thanks, and so I tell him how out of order it was in the car on the way home and then I'm told his family is off limits and then we had a huge row and I called her an interfering bit*h. I think that's pretty good going once in seven years. I am his family but feel like the lowest level on the pecking order because he will NEVER correct her. So he said ok, I'll call her and tell her what she said was out of order. But then it'll get back to the MIL, the BILs and I'll be the horrible person, so guess what, I told him not to bother because of how hard it will be for HIM. So she still is free to carry on. I hate her with my every ounce of energy and live in fear that when my MIL dies, we will inherit this miserable, opinionated arrogant woman to come and ruin our Christmas and Easter and children's birthdays, She makes me feel like shit CONSTANTLY. It rips me apart and despite having a fairly good chat to clear the air for a few hours last night, the upshot is husband still thinks I should just 'challenge her respectfully' next time she does something but I know even the smack down I gave her yesterday - well you don't have a toddler so all this theoretical parenting is easy isn't it - won't be enough to stop her because she has no respect for me. My mum hates her, my friends hate her, I just can't handle it. I don't even know what I want here, there's no answer, I just cannot deal with it.

I'd be tempted to play SIL bingo and every time she has a go, write it down in a little notebook. If she wants to know what's going on, show her and say "you did just say that, didn't you?" See if you can hit a certain number of nasty or interfering comments per day/hour and if she makes a fuss, tell her that's what you are doing as it helps you stay sane. I reckon she'd stop immediately.

I put up with a lot of this from my mum for a long time, until I stood up to her and said I didn't like it and it was not on. I actually sent her a letter with a long list of appalling things she'd said to me about my parenting, weight, hair whatever. She half-heartedly tried to deny some of them but it sank in. I see her very little now but when I do I can actually see her stopping herself from coming out with yet another criticism. I wouldn't mind so much but she was a shit mum and I don't want her comments!

And did you see the last series of "Mum" recently where her SIL is a total cow? After years of it she finally says "well you can go fuck yourself" with a sweet smile and totally calm voice.

This is where you need to apply the mn ‘did you mean today that aloud?’

To be fair to MIL...she did laugh!

x-posted with Hecateh!

I think letting the person know that you are onto them and are calmly aware that they are being a bitch, is key. People get away with this by acting as if they're perfectly reasonable and any complaint by you is unfair.

I had a similar situation with an in law (used to call her an outlaw)...after fuming and fulminating much as you have done here to anyone who would listen which made no difference to how I felt at all I was inspired one day when the inevitable put down came to just gently pat her arm and say " I am not going to respond to that because I feel so sorry for you that I have everything that you don't and it is clearly an issue for you" Her jaw dropped, my OH almost fainted but actually although leopards don't change their spots entirely she did improve. The moral high ground is a very secure place to be and since that time I have never really felt so upset by her again !

OP next time "SIL, in the nicest possible way, I'm not surprised you're on your own if this is how you treat/speak to people" - then defend what ever it is she's criticising. About time SHE heard some home truths. You normally find people don't challenge bullies but when you do it usually shocks them into looking at themselves. In any event OP what have you got to lose? Worst case scenario is she doesn't want any more to do with you. Good. Win/win for you - she has a choice - shape up or ship out. You need to stand up to her before your DC are on the receiving end of the same treatment as you.

There is status in being a wife. Use it. Remember that she isn't one.

Oh dear God. Priceless. 😂😂😂

QueenKubauOfKish brilliant - SIL bingo :-)

Ladies thank you all so much, I'm running all these lines through my head and I'm currently going with

correcting my grammar doesn't make you look more intelligent, it makes you look really rude.

And .... the parenting one ... tbc!!! There are so many gems here. I'll have to memorise a few.

Thank you all.

Playing sil bingo backfired for us, we found we noticed things more and it made it harder.

No advice but so much sympathy over here. My ex SIL was exactly the same - and with an over investment in spending time with my own children.
All I can say is - have a good think about what you will and won't put up with and then just stick to your guns. On every occasion. Best of luck

AlexaAmbidextra isn't it. That is the best thing I've read. Ultimately you're all right when you say she's jealous. She's trying to parent my kids because she hasn't got any and while I feel sorry for her, I can't help but think if she's this impossible with me, no wonder she is single. She is so judgemental and unforgiving of everyone. Relationships are about give and take. And I've given enough! Now I'm going to fight back!

I remember - the old bat comment reminded me - I had a colleague who was a total bitch and completely out of the blue after months I said, god I wish I had a big stick and I'd beat you with it. Don't know where that ridiculous cuss came from but she roared with laughter and never was a twat to me again.

I sound like a wet blanket but I am always the nominated spokesperson to say what everyone is thinking but there are certain people I just can't stand up to.

OP, sadly for me, I turned out to be completely infertile; there were no eggs and therefore no 'spare embryos'. We were told that there was no more than a 1-5% chance of IVF succeeding, so we only had one attempt (only one cycle on the NHS here).

Adoption worked out well for us but not because of SIL's advice.

As your DH's family is very close-knit, I can understand why it would be very hard to avoid your SIL, so you definitely need to try some of the suggested responses on here. Or just swiftly change the subject. Or laugh about some of the comments, as other PPs have suggested, especially if they're as stupid as the one about fruit juice.

What's your MIL like, and the rest of your DH's family? If the rest of them treat you well, then it's worth standing up for yourself. If not, then your DH can go on his own with your DS sometimes.

Either way, life is too short to put up with being treated that way.

I don’t understand why you are so worked up? She is a prize dick. The end.

My strategy for dealing with prize dicks is to initiate Sybil Faulty when gossiping on the phone to her friend “ohhhhh, I knowww”. In a really flat bored voice, irrespective of what is said, whether you agree with it or not irrespective of whether it is a question or a statement.

Intersperse that with “sorry, what was that” if the person has gone on a lengthily rant about something.

No need to suffer through it, don’t even bother listening, just run through your meal plan, shopping list or logistics for the weekend in your head and when you realise there is silence or are prompted (as you have drifted off in thought), respond with “ohhhh, I knowwww) even though it’s completely obvious you were not listening.

Correction of grammar- response “ohhhh, I knowwww”.

Trust me, the person will stop engaging with you AND cut the idiocy as it’s no fun for them if you are not engaging or they can’t see you suffering/the effect they want. All that’s happening at the moment is they know they are pushing you off so you are playing right into their hands. Crazy.

IME you'll feel better when you start dealing with it.

I held my tongue and was the one left upset - so finally stopped doing that - it took time and frankly I didn't always handle it as kindly as pp possible as I was so worked up and hyper sensitive due to it going on so long.

I get the occasional comment – I deal with it at the time maybe rant to DH later – but it affects me a lot less.

Sending a cautionary note:

the biggest mistake gentle people make, is to say nothing and say nothing and then when we can't handle it any more, EXPLODE with rage.

That is the first warning the other person gets and it always ends badly.

So my advice to you, is practice 'little boundaries' before you set a big one.

Even a calm, please don't speak to me like that - every time she corrects your grammar or tells you what to do, is much more powerful than giving her a blast.

Little steps and keep repeating it OP, you will change her behaviour towards you over time, without her even noticing it.

PS sorry to tell you, I have discovered the hard way over fruit juice! I gave my children FJ in the mistaken belief it was good for them. We changed dentist (South African, they always tell it like it is) - and he pulled 19 NINETEEN rotten teeth out of their mouths.

He gave me a big lecture* (see below). Thank goodness for that dentist. They have perfect adult teeth because of him.

Lecture:

1. Fruit juice is empty sugar and calories and highly acidic, which accelerates tooth decay (he actually asked, do you give your children a lot of fruit juice?). Children do just fine on water.

1. Children do not have the fine motor control to brush their own teeth until they are 12 years old. Brush their teeth for them however much they squawk about it. Electric toothbrush is best.

1. Hold the toothpaste in the mouth for a minute, and then spit. Do not rinse the mouth out.

1. Floss before you brush so the toothpaste gets between the teeth. 40% of tooth surface area is between the teeth, which is why tooth decay starts here. And brush before breakfast.

1. Flouride really does stop tooth decay. Most of UK doesn't have fluoride in the water. Check your local area water levels, and supplement. Give your children flouride tablets, the best time is after bedtime story so they dissolve in their mouths whilst they are going to sleep.

1. The worst food in the world for teeth is a white bread jam sandwich and a glass of fruit juice. Sweets only damaged in the olden days because they were such a treat, children would hold them in their mouths. So it is the prolonged exposure to sugar (sticky white bread) that is the problem.

That was his lecture FWIW. He charged like a wounded buffalo, but perfect adult teeth, thank goodness and I wish I had known all that when they were little.

Lizzie48 I'm so pleased to hear adoption worked out for you and know the pain of the whole IVF process - I'm so sorry.
The others are all fine, it's just SIL. I'll def be taking advice from others here!

HoppingPavlova Sybil Faulty :-) YES, love this.

ScreamingLadySutch - bloody hell, wow. Thank you. I appreciate the time you've taken to share that. Really appreciate it. On all counts, thank you. And I'm glad their teeth are fab now!

Don't be defensive when she comments, just shake your head sadly and say 'perhaps when you have children...'

Or my mums favourite 'that's nice dear'.

In all the years I've worked in a and e I can honestly say we have never admitted any patient, adult or child, for drinking too much fruit juice. Never diagnosed anyone with that either.

Wow, there are some fucking nasty comments here about childless, unmarried women. Has it escaped your one track minds that not all of us want marriage or have any interest in having kids? The assumption that were all jealous, bitter old failures is so offensive. What year are we living in for god sake?

I'm a little sceptical about the BDA stats given their interest. I can see a page with the statement bda.org/sugar though can't see any link evidencing the claim on this page which is suspicious. I understand there would be planned admissions for extractions) though I've seen other stats with links to evidence that say respiratory illness was the number one cause though this was a few years ago.

I wasn't one of the posters who said that about childless women, but I have experienced it. Of course it doesn't mean everyone wants kids/marriage or is bitter and twisted if they don't - but there are some women in that position who take out their jealousy on mothers by attacking them or being a know-all about parenting. I've had both a friend and a family member do it to me, and I do feel sorry for them which makes it harder to fight back. I would never point out their childlessness in retaliation, but I still think you can stand up to it.

Wow...maybe take a deep breath and ask yourself why one woman is making you this angry? Does everyone make you this angry when they dare to disagree with you? She was just voicing an opinion, you are more than entitled to disagree. Perhaps rather than focusing on her, look at why this is triggering you in such a massive way.

There is status in being a wife. Use it. Remember that she isn't one.

AlexaAmbidextra. Oh dear God. Priceless. 😂😂😂

AlexaAmbidextra isn't it. That is the best thing I've read. Ultimately you're all right when you say she's jealous.

Oh dear. I think my sarcasm has been misinterpreted. ☹️