I cannot handle my sister in law and I think it'll make me absolutely lose my mind.

[LH2016]

Hi wise ones, please help me! To cut a long story short my SIL is a little older than me in her early forties, not in a relationship, and no kids. She's bossy, arrogant, opinionated and always makes me feel like shit. No filter or respect for me being her brother's wife, even though she wouldn't dare talk to the other SIL the way she talks to me. She corrects my grammar, tells me what to say and not to say, and then I thought, oh well she'll get better when we have kids because she wouldn't dare correct my parenting. I have had a difficult time telling my husband for the last seven years how she makes me feel and he basically always excuses her and never has my back. ONCE he picked her up on something. Never again. He always finds an excuse.
Yesterday she said really aggressively I do hope you aren't giving him too much fruit juice. I said, excuse me? I was so shocked. She goes on about it being the leading cause of hospital admissions. My husband starts rambling about how it's ok because we use a straw and I'm like WTF this was your chance to tell her to STFU as we are not idiots and we have it covered thanks, and so I tell him how out of order it was in the car on the way home and then I'm told his family is off limits and then we had a huge row and I called her an interfering bit*h. I think that's pretty good going once in seven years. I am his family but feel like the lowest level on the pecking order because he will NEVER correct her. So he said ok, I'll call her and tell her what she said was out of order. But then it'll get back to the MIL, the BILs and I'll be the horrible person, so guess what, I told him not to bother because of how hard it will be for HIM. So she still is free to carry on. I hate her with my every ounce of energy and live in fear that when my MIL dies, we will inherit this miserable, opinionated arrogant woman to come and ruin our Christmas and Easter and children's birthdays, She makes me feel like shit CONSTANTLY. It rips me apart and despite having a fairly good chat to clear the air for a few hours last night, the upshot is husband still thinks I should just 'challenge her respectfully' next time she does something but I know even the smack down I gave her yesterday - well you don't have a toddler so all this theoretical parenting is easy isn't it - won't be enough to stop her because she has no respect for me. My mum hates her, my friends hate her, I just can't handle it. I don't even know what I want here, there's no answer, I just cannot deal with it.

Lizzie48 - as a fellow IVF mum I totally get this! SIL told me that I should have a number of times that I'd go through it before we gave up - right at the beginning of our journey. I told her that at that moment in time, I'd do it as much as I needed to to get a baby. She still insisted I should have a cut off of the number of rounds we'd go through. They are an incredibly close family and frankly see each other way more than any other family I'm sure. I limit it as much as possible but would happily never see them.

That is a madly over the top reaction to a bossy woman who said something about fruit juice. Are you normally this over sensitive?

My ILs irritate the heck out of me but I pick my battles and either bite my tongue, or stand up for myself, I suggest you do the same.

There is nothing wrong with your grammar! What on earth is she correcting? Is she stoping you from splitting infinitives?

Roll your eyes and mutter “not this shit again”

It can be difficult being the reasonable person who bites their tongue to appease someone unreasonable. If you have reached your limit and your DP doesn't have your back then I suppose you need to decide to react or carry on as you are.

You could go non-contact;
bite back when she has a go;
laugh (the leading cause of hospital admissions? really? Sorry I thought you were joking. Are you fucking mental?); or
go full on tit for tat, which isn't reacting when she has a go, it's proactively picking at her as much as she picks at you even when she doesn't start with the intention of stopping her. (It's a shame you never settled down and had children. You'd have had your hands full instead of poking into my children's business). If you don't back down and make your self act as unreasonably as she is, there'll either be a falling out or she'll be afraid of having a go.

I tend to patience and letting it all wash over me.

Good luck.

HermioneMakepeace YES YES YES I would love to !!! And you're so right, my husband and I always fight because he doesn't get the little nuances that women pick up on. But I tell him that if he can call me out on being a bitch, then why is he so blind to her being one??

CreakingKnees and MarieIVanArkleStinks YES! Trying to remember those swipes!

I know this isn't the point of the thread but - fruit juice is the leading cause of hospital admissions? What fucking planet is she on? How you managed not to laugh in her face at that comment is beyond me.

If this is the sort of advice she dishes out then I'm really pleased to hear that you don't take it on board lol

Fibbke No! I swallow 99% of this shit over 7 years and this was the final nail in the coffin.

Ok you crack on. You are clearly really pissing off your husband though, so why not at least try and deal with it yourself before attempting to get him to agree that his sister is a bitch?

Learn to be more assertive, then you won't have to swallow shit for 7 more years.

The trouble seems to be that you've let it go on for too long and now your reactions are over the top. If she says something batshit like the orange juice thing - just laugh and say "that's really funny". If she repeats it then suggest she stay away from the lunatic fringe of the internet because next thing she'll be believing the earth is flat. Vhild rearing opinions you can just bat away "Oh that's interesting, it's the opposite of what I've read about attachment theory though so we'll stick with my way thanks", or calmly say something like "OK, that isn't how we've chosen to parent though so we're doing X". Even my ridiculously intrusive older sibling doesn't bother to give me the endless "helpful" advice after enough of the latter tactic. In your head each response should be saying "fuck off" incredibly politely but very clearly.

LH2016 After 7 years of her abuse, I am surprised your still sane.
She is a know it all.
Next time tell her that her opinion is not wanted or needed, or tell her to F Off MHOB.
How dare she treat you like that.

You may have overacte to this one incident, but I totally get that it has built up over many years like a simmering pot.

I would recommend telling her every time she irritates you in a polite way so it never builds up again. Also, it would highlight every bitchy comment to your DH who has his head buried.

I always say in a really nice manner things like, "Can you help me to understand how were you wanting me to feel when you said that?" Puts bitchy people right on the spot.

I would be telling DH that he deals with it I would will and I can’t guarantee I will be anywhere near polite.

I'm not surprised you didn't react when she blamed fruit juice for being the leading cause of hospital admissions. It's so ridiculously over-dramatic that it would shock anyone.

She is able to bully you because you take her seriously. Have a good laugh next time she says something so over the top. When your DH joins in, she may realise that she is being daft. Even if she doesn't, she might think twice before exposing herself to ridicule next time.

Why don't you ask her to set up a government petition to ban fruit juice as it is so dangerous?

It's obviously the reason that the NHS is struggling with funding. And none of us realised! 😂😂😂

Very PA I know but I'd be tempted with
OK Thanks ONE
next time
OK Thanks Two
etc etc.

each time you say a number glance meaningfully at you DH, he'll probably be looking at you as though you are crazy BUT he will know what you are doing.

When she or someone asks what it's all about, you say you are just counting how many times she can be rude to you in one day.

You could try this if you try a more assertive response and it doesn't work.

Tooth decay is now the number one reason for hospital admissions among young children.
Well I never mums, that was on the British Dental Association website. However, lucky for us we're not all idiots and don't brush our children's teeth with sugar.

I think that's what she means, it's the fruit juice causing the tooth decay. Apparently raisins are another culprit, according to my dentist since the 5 a day guidance kids teeth has gone downhill.

Fibbke - correct, I am. So yes you're right, I'm going to deal with it myself. And that will certainly piss him off. You can't win them all.

Hollowvictory another example of damned if you do, damned if you don't :-)

Yes many parents gibe their children 5 portions of tooth rotting acidic sugary or dried fruit per day and think it's healthy. 🙄

She sounds awful I think she may have heard that dental problem at now the leading reason why children are admitted to hospital (don't know where I heard this but I think I have). I doubt these children are having the occasional fruit juice.

My MIL was a bit like that - always an opinion. I found the following worked wonders...

'It's not always wise to share every single opinion' followed by a glare
'Is that so?' - hands on hips, hard stare
'Good thing I'm not as opinionated as you or we'd do nothing but fight'

She once commented that it was a good thing I could stand up for myself or we'd have never gotten on...(on one memorable occasion I did respond with 'oh do shut up you old bat').

Strangely I find it much harder to stand up to SIL, so I've just ended up not going to family events as I just end up miserable and life is too short. I'd love to have the whole 'Waltons' family experience but its not to be...

Disfordarkchocolate - exactly, everything in moderation. Those kids clearly aren't given a good diet.

Wheresthebeach - oh do shut up you old bat. Brilliant. Love it!