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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why you didn't/don't want children?

959 replies

alfie22 · 09/06/2019 23:42

I'm in no way judging anybody who have decided not to have DCs.

But I am genuinely intrigued for the reasons why after reading a thread about somebody's DD not wanting children.

What are your reasons for not having children? Would there any be "what ifs" further down the line?

OP posts:
Deadlysinner · 10/06/2019 08:34

I think I would really struggle to cope. I also find them quite loud and annoying when I'm near them.

Most of my friends don't want children for environmental reasons.

chanderl · 10/06/2019 08:34

*Lots of reasons not to have children:

  1. Getting fat and having no control over my body repels me*
You don't have to get fat. *2. Giving birth and its aftermath terrifies me
  1. Responsibility for another human being is too much
  2. Being judged by others for not doing things 'their way'
  3. Having to adhere to timetables again - I had quite enough of that as a child, thank you very much
  4. If your child grows up to become a psychopath, simply unhappy or can't cope with life it's always poor old mum who gets the blame
  5. Goodbye to peace and quiet - I can't stand noise and chaos - no time to myself would drive me insane
  6. I think I have a cruel streak inside and I don't want it to come out
  7. I felt unhappy/unloved during my own childhood - why should I inflict it on anyone else? So did I. I see motherhood as a chance to heal. I don't have a good relationship with my mother but I sure as hell can have a great relationship with my children
I think that's enough to be going on with.*
MarthasGinYard · 10/06/2019 08:36

Bloody hell Grin

EmpressLesbianInChair · 10/06/2019 08:36

chanderl

Ok I'll bite.

Ok. But what are you actually hoping to achieve with your responses? Presumably you’re not trying to talk the poster into having kids?

LakieLady · 10/06/2019 08:37

I have children so cant answer this, but I find it funny how people are expected to explain why they don't want children, but no one asks parents why they decided to.

This! And why do people think it's ok to ask you why you haven't got children, and then look at you like you're the Childcatcher when you say you didn't want any?

I don't go around asking people why they haven't got a dog, ffs.

I wish it was more accepted that some people don't want children, because to be honest, I never questioned it myself. I had children because that is what society tells us to do and I never really stopped and considered not having children as an option.

Wow. I had no idea that it was like that for some people. I'd always assumed that it was a choice and people who had kids had an overwhelming desire to be parents.

That's really opened my eyes. Thank you.

BananaCatto · 10/06/2019 08:37

This is a really good question! I could list lots of the reasons on here, like the drudgery, noise etc.

I could list environmental reasons.

But what it really truly comes down to is that I don’t feel that a part of my life is missing. I was never someone who was looking for a husband - I didn’t feel incomplete or have a goal to get married like my other friends.

I’m very happy with my life and I feel that for me (and us) there are more important things that I want to do with my life.

Never say never, but for right now it’s a nope.

Scorpvenus1 · 10/06/2019 08:39

Honestly, No maternal desire

Never played with dolls as a kid, things like playmobil and sylvanian family. I guess it is what you desire. I never desired kids I just wanted to get on with life work hard and play hard.

Also the way men behaved as I was about 18 upwards, how they seemed to trap women with kids, and how they couldn't just get rid of that bad egg as have a child together, so it was never shown in a positive light from the get go tbh. I even had family members including my mum say don't have kids lol. My friends always being skint and stuck indoors at 19 years old upwards. so it was a mixture of many things.

I don't regret it as I never in 38 years wanted it. My partner has a 7 year old boy and that is enough for me and kind of works out well.

however.. I do notice that the drive that we name maternal, is freely directed at animals in myself. Like when a baby comes into the office the majority of the women here get up and go fawn over it, Me nothing registers, but when the puppy comes in... Omg lol.

peardrops1 · 10/06/2019 08:40

Climate change!

MarthasGinYard · 10/06/2019 08:40

'It's a wonderful thing being called Mummy. It's just awesome'

Good for you

user1473069303 · 10/06/2019 08:40

Even when I was a kid myself, I remember not wanting kids in the future (to which I used to get told that I was "not normal"). I found dolls an affront (even when I was small I used to think it was sexist bollocks) and would chuck them out the window, much preferring soft toys and art materials.

There is very, very little about having and raising children that appeals. I look at a lot of kids and the chaos that surrounds them and think "there but for the grace of God go I".

I don't want to risk a severe birth injury.

I don't want to risk being left doing most of the hard work.

I'm an introvert and hate being constantly mithered.

And I don't want to bring children into the society we have now, which already disgusts me on the human level with its diminishing respect for law and order and general decency. Not to mention the environment and increasing lack of jobs.

BananaCatto · 10/06/2019 08:40

chanderl is EXACTLY the sort of person who tries to convince everyone that motherhood is great. Probably because they regret it. A shit ton of blaming going on in those posts. Oh well MY house isn’t sticky because I CLEAN. Well done, would you like a medal? ‘Being vomed on it only temporary’ - it isn’t unreasonable that someone doesn’t want to be vomed on at all, temporary or not.

chanderl · 10/06/2019 08:40

*chanderl

Ok I'll bite.

Ok. But what are you actually hoping to achieve with your responses? Presumably you’re not trying to talk the poster into having kids?*

No, just joining in the chat. And this post struck me as totally irrational.

chanderl · 10/06/2019 08:41

*chanderl

Ok I'll bite.

Ok. But what are you actually hoping to achieve with your responses? Presumably you’re not trying to talk the poster into having kids?*

Yeah, no, I don't regret it.. what a silly post.

BlueSkiesLies · 10/06/2019 08:42

Lots of reasons, as life being happy child free is much easier IMO, but I guess it boils down to fundamentally I have never had the urge.

I have always felt I don’t want children and all the other issues could probably be put aside if I had a massive biological pull, as many people seem to have children when it’s not the most sensible decision.

Also I know I have zero desire to look after a child with sever additional needs for the rest of my life. Which is a very real possibility every time you roll the dice of a pregnancy.

Not all children am happy and healthy and even the idealised version of parenthood doesn’t really appeal to me, let alone having a nightmare health situation.

Also, pregnancy. Fuck. That. Birth? Jesus Christ why?? Fucking up your career. Chaining yourself to a life of drudgery. Constant logistical issues. Less money to go around more people.

So many reasons.

I have a properly nice life. Why fuck it up?

chanderl · 10/06/2019 08:42

*'It's a wonderful thing being called Mummy. It's just awesome'

Good for you*

Yes, yes it is Grin

MarthasGinYard · 10/06/2019 08:42

'No, just joining in the chat. And this post struck me as totally irrational.'

Erm....

LakieLady · 10/06/2019 08:43

You’re perpetuating misogynistic views on procreating by making it a woman’s ‘issue’.

Until men have the ability to grow a human and then push it out through an orifice, it IS a women's issue. It is painful, messy and undignified. It can be life-threatening.

And whatever anyone says, the care of infants is still seen primarily as a woman's role.

IceRebel · 10/06/2019 08:43

chanderl is EXACTLY the sort of person who tries to convince everyone that motherhood is great.

Posters and people like that put me off even more. I don't understand why they have to comment through rose tinted glasses. I'm sure there are many wonderful things about being a parent, but to completely disregard any negatives is off putting. Because as amazing as being a parent is, it just isn't true to say there aren't any negative elements.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 10/06/2019 08:44

My reasons?

Just didn't want them. Simple as that.

(I assume that people who do have children felt they did want them. Why does nobody ever question that?)

BlueSkiesLies · 10/06/2019 08:44

But what it really truly comes down to is that I don’t feel that a part of my life is missing. I was never someone who was looking for a husband - I didn’t feel incomplete or have a goal to get married like my other friends.

This is basically what I was trying to say.

chanderl · 10/06/2019 08:44

*chanderl is EXACTLY the sort of person who tries to convince everyone that motherhood is great.

Posters and people like that put me off even more. I don't understand why they have to comment through rose tinted glasses. I'm sure there are many wonderful things about being a parent, but to completely disregard any negatives is off putting. Because as amazing as being a parent is, it just isn't true to say there aren't any negative elements.*

I didn't say there was no negative elements. Perhaps you should read my post again.

MarthasGinYard · 10/06/2019 08:44

'Posters and people like that put me off even more.'

Don't they just.

WhoAteMyNuts · 10/06/2019 08:45

chanderl irrational to you but completely rational to that poster. Just because others feel or view things differently doesn't make them wrong.

chanderl · 10/06/2019 08:45

Calling a baby an alien is irrational.

leftovercoffeecake · 10/06/2019 08:46

This is why it's so annoying when people ask you why you don't want children. Because they will listen to your reasoning and then argue and pick apart everything you say as if you are somehow wrong.