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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why you didn't/don't want children?

959 replies

alfie22 · 09/06/2019 23:42

I'm in no way judging anybody who have decided not to have DCs.

But I am genuinely intrigued for the reasons why after reading a thread about somebody's DD not wanting children.

What are your reasons for not having children? Would there any be "what ifs" further down the line?

OP posts:
IceRebel · 13/06/2019 18:54

Gobsmacked? I don’t think there has been rudeness from parents

The whole thread has an undercurrent of rudeness. Due to the multiple posters with children who are questioning and minimising the reasons that those without have presented.

MarshaBradyo · 13/06/2019 18:55

The whole thread has an undercurrent of anger - but not from me

GatsbyWasntGreat · 13/06/2019 19:00

@MummaD209

Why would people be on here if they aren't parents??

Well, slap me silly. Don't think anyone has thought or asked that before! You clever sausage.

Sakura7 · 13/06/2019 19:03

The whole thread has an undercurrent of anger - but not from me

Plenty of anger here from parents who seem to take it as a personal insult that other women, who they've never met, are making a different life choice to them.

And no, you haven't tried to "create less division".

MarshaBradyo · 13/06/2019 19:04

Yes I have I’ve said I understand

God so infuriating

MarshaBradyo · 13/06/2019 19:05

It’s not a personal insult to me but I said your idea doesn’t match my experience and parents still do loads - is that really so provocative?

There’s enough noise out there reducing mothers to drudge already

Sakura7 · 13/06/2019 19:09

MarshaBradyo - accusing people of being wound up and odd is not "creating less division." Neither is dismissing the rudeness of various parents on this thread toward the people the thread is actually for. Nobody said you specifically were rude but you seem to have taken it up that way with your "not me" posts.

MarshaBradyo · 13/06/2019 19:10

Ok maybe others were rude, and non parents felt they were. Fair enough. I’m not noticing them as much as the ones that were rude to me

That odd comment was to a parent I did feel it was a bit wound up. Maybe a tone thing

GatsbyWasntGreat · 13/06/2019 19:11

Plenty of anger here from parents who seem to take it as a personal insult that other women, who they've never met, are making a different life choice to them.

This. And parents replying saying how great it is being a parent. On a thread asking why you didn't have kids.

Hmm
Sakura7 · 13/06/2019 19:14

There’s enough noise out there reducing mothers to drudge already

No...

What some people are saying is that elements of motherhood would feel like drudgery to them. Which I'm sure many mothers would agree with. Other mothers find it ok. WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT!

MarshaBradyo · 13/06/2019 19:14

I know it’s fine

IvanaPee · 13/06/2019 19:22

But hey ho I’ve tried to create less division

Nobody needed you to swoop in and save adults from discussing an issue with each other. Thanks though.

MarshaBradyo · 13/06/2019 19:22

Well at least I’ve been friendly

MarshaBradyo · 13/06/2019 19:23

So much anger at a pretty innocuous comment

EmpressLesbianInChair · 13/06/2019 19:23

Why would people be on here if they aren't parents??

Blimey. How many twerps have we had now?

Pursefirst · 13/06/2019 19:35

@EmpressLesbianInChair so many I've lost count.

EmpressLesbianInChair · 13/06/2019 19:45

That’s what I thought, Pursefirst.

AriaFitz · 13/06/2019 19:46

@MummaD209 can I ask you a question?

If you had an employment issue who would you like to reply to your thread an employment lawyer with no children or a mother with no knowledge of employment law?

If your child had suspected SEN who would you like to answer your queries, a specialist in that area with no children or a mother with no knowledge?

If you have a medical issue who would you like to respond a doctor with no children or a mother with no knowledge?

Mother’s can help with lots of things, give advice and all the other things we like on mumsnet but so can childfree and childless people.

UpsyDaaaisy · 13/06/2019 19:54

Marsha I didn't say you had been rude, it wasn't aimed at you but there has been rudeness from others

MarshaBradyo · 13/06/2019 19:57

Fair enough Upsy and thanks for being a bit nicer

MarshaBradyo · 13/06/2019 20:00

Aria I completely agree childfree can give excellent advice, but out of interest why do you do that either or thing?

There are loads of employment lawyers, SEN specialists and doctors who are mothers, on mn. Part of your post sounds like you think mothers only stick to advice on other things like nappies and weaning, but maybe not

So I don’t get lambasted again I welcome child free on here of course

Malyshek · 13/06/2019 20:03

Although I'm a parent (still getting used to calling myself that, my son's only 8 months old !) the reasons shared here actually resonate with me. While I do want kids, I'm definitely not having more than two - precisely because I feel that any more than that would consume my life to unacceptable levels.

I want kids but I also want time to myself, for lie-ins, for my own personal hobbies, for travel and vacation, etc. And I can totally understand why people don't want even just one ! It's definitely a huge investment, emotionally, financially, etc.

As for the whole selfishness thing, it makes zero sense. Everything you do is driven by selfishness. Even when you do something altruistic, you do it because you want to feel good about yourself. And why focus on having kids or not as the epitome of selfishness ? If you want to go down that road, buying a house instead of donating the money to humanitarian organisations is way more selfish. So please, let's stop pretending that any of us is anything less than selfish.

Though I'll admit the environnemental reason not to have kids doesn't resonate with me. At all. I'm only interested in the future of the planet if I actually have something to lose. It this is the planet where my kids will be living, I'm interested in keeping it in good condition. If I don't have kids to inherit it after me then I don't really care.

GatsbyWasntGreat · 13/06/2019 20:06

If I don't have kids to inherit it after me then I don't really care

As a childfree woman, I care about the planet and it's future greatly.

AriaFitz · 13/06/2019 20:06

@MarshaBradyo yep some mothers are but as some people seem obsessed with only mothers being allowed on mumsnet and not whether people with any relevant knowledge are answering their threads, I’m interested in why. That’s why the either or. Asking if she would rather an employment lawyer who has no children or one who does would make no sense in the context. I feel like maybe you understood but wanted to have a go?

I don’t have kids so I obviously don’t ask for advice about weaning etc but I do ask for advice on here so I obviously don’t think mothers can only advise about those things or that’s what I would have said.

MarshaBradyo · 13/06/2019 20:11

No really not wanting to have a go. Btw if only mothers posted they’d still get relevant knowledge. I don’t see the obsession, on most threads people will have no idea.

But like I said I’m happy to see that others post here