To ask why you didn't/don't want children?

[alfie22]

I'm in no way judging anybody who have decided not to have DCs.

But I am genuinely intrigued for the reasons why after reading a thread about somebody's DD not wanting children.

What are your reasons for not having children? Would there any be "what ifs" further down the line?

I just wasn't prepared to give up years and years of my life to washing, cleaning, cooking and childcare. I like my freedom too much.
People might call that selfish, but I think it's a selfish thing to have a child - it's what a would be parent wants; that child doesn't ask to be born.
Also, my own childhood wasn't great. My parents have never told me they love me and this has affected me badly. I don't want to impose my issues on an innocent child.
Hospitals, schools, the planet - they are all struggling to cope with an increasing population. We need to take responsibility and think clearly about the number of children we have. How many women have children because they think it's just what you do?? I imagine it is a lot.

So, I guess there are lots of reasons I never had children of my own, and I am thankful that this option was open to me. Many years ago it probably wouldn't have been.

You can have a full life yes

But selfish doesn’t really need to be applied to either having dc or not

If I think about why I wanted children, all those years ago when we began trying and when we were young and optimistic, there was a big part of me that felt it was the "done thing". I freely admit that I had always assumed I'd have a husband and couple of kids and after I got the husband, kids were the next thing on the list that got ticked off.
It was only when we had struggled for a while to conceive that the sheer physical longing for having my own child hit me and that stayed with me throughout years of IVF and subsequent miscarriages. There was also the added complication that my husband was so desperate for children that I didn't want to let him down and knew, deep down, that he wouldn't be able to cope without children - whilst I probably would. And I was right as he killed himself. Then the grief at losing him got bound up along with the grief of not being able to have a child and for years I just existed in that black fog.
Recently I met someone who I've fallen very much in love with and want to marry. Luckily he feels the same and I have discovered that no, I don't want children now. The physical longing has gone - and I'm too old now anyway. I don't ever regret meeting and marrying my husband, but I do regret us not thinking through the decision to have children at the time and discuss properly what our lives would be like if we weren't able to have them - which we weren't. Hindsight eh?

Anyway, the short story is that I've discovered, too late, that life without children is ok. In fact it's more than ok, it is fulfilled and enjoyable and full of love and happiness and it makes me angry that it took me so long to appreciate what I have got, instead of what I didn't.

In some cases maybe but I don’t see the point in saying all the people that do it don’t are selfish / more than the other

Anyway the thread seems to be more reasonable which is good

Selfish seems to be a very odd word to use for either having or not having children.

Leigh that’s a good story, a good way to look at it

I can see why some people say it's selfish to have children. You only really usually have children because you want them. You don't need them, they are not essential to life so therefore yes, in a way, it is a selfish decision.

I would also add that in this already overpopulated world that is another reason to see it as selfish especially if you chose to have more than 2

I do see the argument that having kids is a selfish decision, the world doesn't need more people to use its finite resources.

In the same way it's selfish of me to use a plane to go on a holiday I want to go on.

I really, really don't understand how it's selfish not to haven't kids?

*have

Selfish seems to be a very odd word to use for either having or not having children.

Definitely true for not having children. You don't owe anyone grandchildren, siblings or cousins, and it's definitely selfish to expect someone to have them in order to fulfil those expectations for you (looking at you, DH's grandad - why I would have kids now so that they can enjoy being dandled by a xenophobic git who is obsessed with A roads and driving routes twice a year I don't know).

Also if you were looking to become a more selfless person, it seems like a peculiar way to force the issue. Being emotionally devoted to a child may well bring emotional selflessness, but a lot of the choices parents make are also to make THEIR lives easier once they have kids - in putting their lives and wants behind their children's, it often involves putting pre-existing people in their lives second.

For those who choose to have kids - it in part depends where you fall on the environmental scale. The human race does need children, but probably not more than 3x, 4x, 5x the DNA combination of two individuals living in Slough, or Dijibouti, or Caracas.

Generally I agree with you - very weird term to apply to either decision!

I don’t think you’re more selfless if you don’t have them - given the reasons here I’d hate it etc

For those who choose to have kids - it in part depends where you fall on the environmental scale. The human race does need children, but probably not more than 3x, 4x, 5x the DNA combination of two individuals living in Slough, or Dijibouti, or Caracas.

I don't understand this. Are you suggesting some people should have kids, others fewer or not at all? Do you think some human life is more valuable than other human life?

I didn’t want any then ended up with 4😂
I got pregnant accidentally the first 2 times and planned baby number 3 in hopes to get a boy. Number 4 was a heart attack on a pregnancy test if I’m honest. I’m in my 40s now and DD1 has had her own child young as well. Honestly I’m glad i got it out the way when I was young DH and I can be a little selfish now. We can lie in at the weekends, go away on the spur of the moment and holiday alone if we want because DD1 or 2 are happy to watch their brothers for us. If we hadn’t had DS4 they’d all be perfectly independent next year and we could feel young again but hey ho.

I mainly didn’t want any because I was enjoying being young and knew I was going into a career that would consume a lot of my time and energy I worried I would put my career before my children and thought about how guilty I would feel.

The idea that it’s selfish not to have dc probably came from the idea that you can focus more on just you

I don’t agree with using the word for either

Although it probably will become more unacceptable to have loads

This thread has genuinely made me reconsider whether I do want another child/children.
I had an unplanned pregnancy in my late teens and decided to go ahead because I didn't want an abortion - I was incredible naive and immature thinking back. I got through the sleepless night, tantrums, potty training, however my relationship failed and i think that not getting any time to be together certainly impacted upon this.
Fast forward 15 years and I now have a teenager who I share residency of 50/50 with his father, one week on one week off (this was DC's choice when we split). I love the bones of my DC and they are so easy to manage now - they're the ones wanting to lay in, have their own plans, are generally quiet and don't need me for anything much except food and lifts. Then the next week they're with their Dad and I'm just me. I'm in a new relationship with someone who doesn't have kids and when we got together I really felt like I wanted another one or two. This thread has opened my eyes to what people can do when they don't have children, and although I have a DC they're nearly 15 and there is light at the end of the tunnel in that respect. I could continue to have lie-ins forever, re-train and go into a job I genuinely love, travel, get a second job and save to actually have a mortgage, have an amazing relationship, be there 100% for my growing DC as they go into adulthood. I'm only 32 and my future life could look so much different to the one I've been hoping and assuming I'd have once I found the right person.
I don't know how it'd go down with DBF if I do change my mind though, although a couple of people upthread have suggested it's mainly women who drive the TTC'ing and men just go along because it's expected.

I don’t agree with using the word for either

Some people are selfish. Some of those people go on to have children, some of them don't.

Yes of course some people are selfish that goes without saying

But is a different point

@cassiewoowoo I'm a similar age and I'm very relieved I don't have to worry about having the energy, finances, time and commitment that a baby/toddler/young child/teenager would take over the next 20 years.

I'm planning on doing an MA, travelling, writing another book, training for a marathon, trying out lots of posh restaurants, rennovating and selling my current property to start a new holiday letting business in Wales - and I have a great marriage as it stands now. For me I don't want to sacrifice any of that during what are now my best years for sleepless nights and school runs.

I guess I am selfish as I thought about myself rather than be pressured by society or people around me into having children. I also wouldn't have had any to please a partner as having children was a deal breaker for me. I see that selfishness as a positive trait

Don’t have them but lots of people do those things listed with them

Not right for you I know

I don't think it's fair to associate selfishness purely with not having children.

I actually think having children can be considered equally selfish - as you are having them to get something out of it surely!?

I always felt like children was what other people would do/did. I never saw myself as a mother, even from an early age. I do find it interesting that my job is basically looking after the basic needs of a team, and I feel quite protective of their best interests, as well as spending a lot of time nurturing/helping them. I don’t have to deal with their bodily functions though . I do feel sometimes that I wish I did want children as I feel like there’s a part of my DSis and friend’s lives I can’t share with them. I’m quite a homemaker type, and I reckon I’d enjoy being a SAHM through rose tinted glasses obviously but there’s too many reasons I know I don’t want to have children for. I absolutely refuse to bring another human into this overpopulated world just for the sake of it. I have no issues with others procreating, I just don’t want to, so would rather my ‘allocation’ went to someone whose heart’s desire is children. Not sure I’ve explained that properly.

I hate being ill, so pregnancy just looks like 9 months of hell, followed by breastfeeding and no sleep for another two years. Plus of course dealing with the aforementioned bodily functions. That’s four years of grim I’d never get back.
Giving birth appears to be torture, with a complete loss of any dignity
I find children mostly tedious and annoying, although can appreciate they do have funny/cute moments. A funny occurance does’t make up for the other 23 hours and 50 minutes in the day though.
Loss of time, freedom, money, and space.
When my niece and nephew were first born, I was quite shocked by how terrified I instantly became they would be hurt or something awful would happen to them. They were so little and vulnerable, and although I’ve never been one for worrying or anxiety, I think I’d probably hate the first few years of my offspring’s life just for the responsibility of it.

In all honesty having children is more selfish than not. The planet is fucked, humans are awful, the world is a pretty shit place to be.

Bringing an innocent child into this shit show is selfish. And I have dc!

Ultimately, it seems the mothers on this thread are weirdly offended. Why on earth would you come on to tell someone her life is wrong???

And kids are total arseholes for the most part because they haven’t yet learned their filters, appropriate social cues etc.

I adore my children, I wouldn’t give them back.

But I would have had a very happy, fulfilled life without them. Provided I still got away from horrendous ex!

Just stop taking it so weirdly personal if people don’t want children and probably think your snowflake is a total

Get over it.

Why would you even care?? It’s so strange!

You sound way more wound up

Odd