To ask why you didn't/don't want children?

[alfie22]

I'm in no way judging anybody who have decided not to have DCs.

But I am genuinely intrigued for the reasons why after reading a thread about somebody's DD not wanting children.

What are your reasons for not having children? Would there any be "what ifs" further down the line?

I thought people would like some children, their friends’ for example, but if not it’s their life

I hardly have anything to do with children and I'm perfectly happy with that. My niece & nephew are great but live at the other end of the country. The friends' kids I've met, though I don't see very much of them, have seemed perfectly fine. I have a lifelong (or from the age of 4 at least) phobia of messy eating and I'm not that keen on noise so those are two reasons to avoid anywhere with a lot of small children.

This has been a really interesting thread.
I do have children ( & always wanted them ) but it’s always good to hear different opinions on life.
I just wanted to say though, to all the people saying they didn’t want children because they’re noisy, boring, & irritating, most of us with feel that way about any child who isn’t our own
I can count on one hand the amount of children I’ve met who I thought were really lovely. Changes when they get to teens though, they become really good company then.

At least we all like wine, yes? And dogs? 🐶

@riversdisguise I don’t like wine and I do like dogs but I wouldn’t have one. You need to start more threads for people to say why they don’t like those things.

No I haven't. I wanted children of my own - but it didn't happen. In general I find children dull and boring. I'm fond of my nieces and nephews and will happily look after my friends' children if I have to - but still find young children dull.

If I'd had children I would have loved mine - but would have still found other children dull.

There is nothing wrong with preferring adult company and I'm at a time of life, and due to the circumstances of how I ended up in that life, where I want to have the fun I missed out on over the many, many years of chasing a dream. I'm in my mid-late 40's. I feel too old to want to be around screaming, noisy young children. Again I'd have felt the same if I'd have had my own.

Maybe I'm just finally being a bit more honest with myself about what I want, rather than keeping hold of my late husband's dream.

Hate is a strong word but I think people are taking those kind of comments a bit too literally. I doubt there are scores of childfree women roaming around with unbridled rage and hatred coursing through their veins. More a case of not liking to be around children and finding them annoying. Same as saying "I could kill him". It's a figure of speech. 99.9999% of the time the person doesn't actually intend to commit murder.

At least we all like wine, yes? And dogs?

Yes, absolutely.

I have no problem with hate / or even mild dislike / or boredom

Better to acknowledge it than become a teacher or something

Leigh it’s understandable when you write that, I did think earlier it’s not some great divide

Love wine! Hate dogs!

That was to @RiversDisguise!

Not that keen on dogs

Wine yes nice, but red in winter only

Love dogs and wine.

And get what Leigh is saying totally. If I’m honest I regret the years of trying to have a child and putting everything else on hold more than I regret never having children.

Not that keen on dogs

I'm really offended you don't like my dog. You might change your mind when you get older. You'd love one if you had your own. You're really missing out on the unique bond and true love and joy only a dog brings.

So funny

Really though don’t change your minds

I’m sure trying very hard for children does change as you move past it - very understandable

Too many people in the world already , so didn't see the need to add another
I think babies are repulsive
I like children and Teens but not enough to want my own or endure the baby stage
I cannot afford one
Never wanted one even as a small child my mind was made up
I'm not a sheep blindly following the masses
I wanted a career that had no time for maternity or children
I love my freedom too much

@Leighhalfpennysthigh - I hope I didn't sound goady, I was genuinely shocked after following your story for so long.

I am nearly three years into trying for DC2. Multiple failed rounds of IVF. Miscarriage. Thousands of pounds worth of debt. You're posts are interesting to me as I'm wondering if I'll ever find peace about not being able to have DC2.

The problem is that it seems very difficult for people to explain why they don’t want children in a way that does not denigrate people tgt do. I am totally relaxed about people not wanting children- i did not want any myself until I was in my late 30s and I an the only one in my very closest friendship group that does have children. But even I bristle at some of the “I’m not a sheep” type comments.

I know I keep repeating myself but I see ‘I love my kids but hate everyone else’s’ all the time on MN, like it’s some kind of badge of honour, and no one seem to take offence in the slightest.

For the record I don’t hate kids, quite like them in fact, there are even some that I love. The odd time I’ll meet one that instantly irritates me, but that’s the same with adults.

The problem is that it seems very difficult for people to explain why they don’t want children in a way that does not denigrate people tgt do

I don't think I've done that. I'm perfectly happy to accept that other people love being parents. I just know that with all due respect, I'd find it hellish.

But even I bristle at some of the “I’m not a sheep” type comments

But you can't underestimate the power and influence of ideology, though. Especially with the expected 'husband and two kids' as-the-norm family dynamic in the UK (or even blended families, second marriage, step kids set up).

The idea that a 'full' life includes children feels, to me, patronising and false. It's a different lifestyle.

When I was younger I wondered if there was something wrong with me for not choosing to have DC, if I'm making the wrong choice, if I really will regret it, etc etc - it's tough when you don't fit into social norms. It's hard to be truthful with yourself when you're conditioned to think a certain way.

My friend got married at 30 and had a baby aged 32, because (her words) 'that's just what I thought you do'. She had an awful birth and her DH has turned out to be a shit father. She was at a turning point in her career and gave that up for her family (SAHM) because she thought that would give her greater happiness. She's now on depression and anxiety medication just to get through the day, and is a totally different person.

Of course she adores her DS, but from the outside...I just feel for her. She can't go back.

“The idea that a 'full' life includes children feels, to me, patronising and false”

Yes, me too.

@twinkledag - no, you're not being goady. I'm shocked myself at how I feel at the moment and am talking to a counsellor about it. I always thought that children were the be all and end all of my life - but they weren't and I feel a combination of intense relief and shock that I feel that way.

I hope that you get your happy ending. There is no pain like infertility - that is something I will never forget.