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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask why you didn't/don't want children?

959 replies

alfie22 · 09/06/2019 23:42

I'm in no way judging anybody who have decided not to have DCs.

But I am genuinely intrigued for the reasons why after reading a thread about somebody's DD not wanting children.

What are your reasons for not having children? Would there any be "what ifs" further down the line?

OP posts:

Abrokenheartedmum · 12/06/2019 15:27

Thank you for your kind messages. I appreciate it. Our extended families don't know what to say either and, for that reason, I assume, have distanced themselves from us, so we feel quite abandoned on many levels. We do have good friends who have proved to be tremendously supportive and we are very thankful for that. I know things may change in the future when DC matures. We know DC is safe and now living in a hostel so that's something.

allmyfriendsaremarried · 12/06/2019 15:41

I actually did want kids, but now am 37. Single with no male contact since 2013. Not sure what I did so wrong but looks like men (or the single ones at least) are not interested in me, so I am on my own and hence no chance to have any mini me's. I did try everything from lifestyle coach, online dating, the works, spent so much money on it all but no still here on my tod. Which is rubbish as the age group that I am in most of my friends are married/with child so I get socially excluded from a lot of stuff. That said, I have plenty of friends, just older or younger ones mostly.

speakout · 12/06/2019 15:44

I met my OH at 38 and was pregnant within 6 weeks of dating. First child for both of us.
Not entirely planned!

GatsbyWasntGreat · 12/06/2019 15:51

@Abrokenheartedmum I really hope your DC realises what a great mum you are and finds their way home to you again.

MLMhun · 12/06/2019 15:54

I’m sorry to hear that, broken hearted mum. How awful.

BossAssBitch · 12/06/2019 17:01

When I saw the title of this thread I thought that sounds interesting, I settled down to read the posts but it soon became totally depressing as the defensive mums decided to hijack the thread with their hackneyed protestations of ‘there is no other love like it’, etc, etc. How unbelievably hubristic to insist that you know the depth of how I, a child free woman, loves and feels about the human beings in my life. I could conversely insist that others will never know the depth and ‘different’ love that I have for my DH, but I am not a conceited twat who knows how others feel. I have many friends who have children who tell me that they love their DH’s as much as their children, and quite right too. I find it very sad that some of the mothers posting on here say the love that they have for their children is deeper than that of their DH. I don’t want any part of that kind of ‘love’ (which is only driven by oxytocin anyway!)

And Ghanagirl have you ever managed to get through one of your many posts without mentioning how attractive you are

MarthasGinYard · 12/06/2019 17:09

'And Ghanagirl have you ever managed to get through one of your many posts without mentioning how attractive you are
And that's despite having dc of course

BlueSkiesLies · 12/06/2019 17:17

That’s heartbreaking, but I think not uncommon.

A lot of adoptions break down earlier and it’s never talked about.

ChewbaccaHutchinsCool · 12/06/2019 17:25

LOL @ BossAssBitch.

GatsbyWasntGreat · 12/06/2019 17:34

@BossAssBitch I want to quote and bold your whole post.

Headinabook55 · 12/06/2019 17:37

@abrokenheartedmum I am so sorry to hear your story.

It doesnt surprise me in the slightest. My biological parents became foster carers and then decided to adopt one of the dc they cared for. Me and my sibling were both early teens at the time. The adoption broke down. We then connected with many other families who had experienced the same and there were a good few of us. I remember my rage at our social worker who had hidden the extent of our adopted sibling's abuse...I digress.

As a mum myself, after a rocky start ttc and a little fertility help for dc1 and a happy accident for dc2, my hormones dictated MORE BABIES!

My mum and husband both gently persuaded me not to and for that I am forever glad. The 'drudgery' is manageable for me as a mum of just two, and I feel my children have the benefit of a sibling as well as a mum who can (mostly) cope with the considerable load of mothering, home making and part time work. Had I had a third I can imagine the shit may have hit the fan far too many times to be acceptable before I would have learned to manage it all.

I know some mums are a whiz at having many kids! And other women who choose not to have kids, I don't believe are missing out either. What I am rather clumsily trying to say is that all pathways/choices are valid and it probably outlook that truly dictates how much you really get out of life.

I am sure my husband and I could have had a ball as a childfree couple. We are instead having a ball as a little family of four. What I do know is we would (much as it was hard to admit this to myself at first as I truly longed for it) have struggled noticeably had we introduced a third and/or fourth child to our family. We'd have struggled financially/been exhausted/not had time to care for our current children and home to the standard we like.

Shhhhh223 · 12/06/2019 17:45

femodene yes! Exactly!!

Babblepook · 12/06/2019 18:29

@bossassbitch You sound quite the angry person. There’s nothing wrong with loving your children and there’s quite a consensus (pretty much most people with children) who say that particular love is strong and unique. You don’t want it and that’s fine but you don’t need to try and feel superior by belittling it. All love is chemicals. All humans are science and chemicals. Let the love flow

MarthasGinYard · 12/06/2019 18:36

Boss wasn't 'belittling' anything just putting across her point of view.

Tanikay · 12/06/2019 18:40

This thread is directed at people who are childfree by choice. I don’t understand why parents are responding with “if you’re cf why are you on a parents forum, how can you say you hate children, your life has no meaning, you will never feel fulfilled” etc etc. The op asked a question and “hating children” is one of the answers....so what?? That’s their reason. Get over it

Let the childfree people answer the OP’s question

GidgetGirl · 12/06/2019 18:53

I’m in my mid 30s and I’ve never wanted children. Never played with baby dolls when I was little, and never dreamt of becoming a mother. If I’m being totally honest, it all seems like incredibly hard work. I mean I know it is, and I have total respect for anyone that does it. But it’s not for me. I’m just not interested in children and all the things that go with them, and the thought that if I had them my life would revolve around them is not nice. I know I would really dislike the feeling of having my identity replaced with the identity of a generic ‘mum’.

I love the feeling of freedom and not being tied down. Things that don’t appeal are enforced early mornings, sleepless nights, and the bigger worries of ensuring the health and happiness of another human being who is totally and utterly reliant on me. I just... Don’t particularly like kids.

BUT, I’m well aware that as hormones shift and time goes on, there’s a chance I could be suddenly overcome with the desire to be a mother. I hope that doesn’t happen because I’d be cutting it pretty fine.. But there’s always a possibility.

Newhallranchrd · 12/06/2019 18:57

Lol. The op probably doesn't care about your answers. She's moved on, thinking she may be pregnant six weeks postpartum.

Babblepook · 12/06/2019 19:07

@tanikay I’m not sure whether those who are parents care if other people hate kids and don’t want to be parents do they?

Everyone seems quite stressed here.

leftovercoffeecake · 12/06/2019 19:11

I’m not sure whether those who are parents care if other people hate kids and don’t want to be parents do they?

It seems like they do care since so many parents are coming here, getting offended and telling us childfree folk why we're 'wrong'

StillCoughingandLaughing · 12/06/2019 19:12

I’m not sure whether those who are parents care if other people hate kids and don’t want to be parents do they?

Really? Because an awful lot of parents are spending an awful lot of time telling the non-parents how offensive it is that they see parenthood as drudgery and how they can’t possibly understand this overwhelming love.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 12/06/2019 19:18

I wanted kids desperately for a long time and now have come to peace with my lot in life. Part of that process was realising that I just do not enjoy the company of your children. I used to, when I was younger and when my nieces and nephews were young, or my friends' children were young.....but now, I prefer the company of adults.

Some people always feel that way and choose not to have children. That's completely fine.

Some parents of older children (in fact most of the ones i know) also feel the same.

Why is it ok for parents to say that having children can be boring drudgery and they don't like the company of young kids, but it's not ok for people who made the decision not to have any to share that those were the reasons why they made that decision?

Children are boring. Sorry.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 12/06/2019 19:19

Young children. I do not know your children, but I probably would find them annoying.

MarshaBradyo · 12/06/2019 19:33

I posted earlier the division wasn’t as great in rl, but reading these posts it probably is for some.

GatsbyWasntGreat · 12/06/2019 19:51

It is a bit odd that parents are replying to this thread which specifically asks for reasons why you didn't have kids.

MarshaBradyo · 12/06/2019 19:54

I said I found it interesting at first why not, it’s not my experience. But it seems to have gone a bit rogue.

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