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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why you didn't/don't want children?

959 replies

alfie22 · 09/06/2019 23:42

I'm in no way judging anybody who have decided not to have DCs.

But I am genuinely intrigued for the reasons why after reading a thread about somebody's DD not wanting children.

What are your reasons for not having children? Would there any be "what ifs" further down the line?

OP posts:
EarClipper · 12/06/2019 10:18

Not a riddle. Pretty clear.

MarshaBradyo · 12/06/2019 10:18

Oh come on it’s just a discussion

I get why you don’t want them and I don’t think you should change your minds- that way madness lies

I said why I posted

MarshaBradyo · 12/06/2019 10:19

Sometimes both sides get a bit sneery and there’s no point

Babblepook · 12/06/2019 10:24

@ariafitz they haven’t missed the thread title, they’re big fans of the saying ‘mum knows best’ though

Maybe it’s this attitude that made your friends distance themselves when they had kids. It certainly seems extraordinary that so many of them did and with the reasons you expressed - your posts don’t seem awfully kind!

BobbyBaratheon · 12/06/2019 10:26

But why is there even 'both sides' on a thread aimed at those who are childfree by choice? Don't you have better uses for your time? Like basking in the glow of your children's unconditional love?

Bearhorn · 12/06/2019 10:26

I didn't want children at all until my 30's and even then I didn't actually want children, I just wanted to keep my lifestyle in alignment with my friends' lifestyles and I spent my entire pregnancy in total denial. I couldn't look at babies as they freaked me out too much and I didn't buy anything for the baby. I thought I was far too selfish and far too wedded to my lie ins and holidays and spontaneous nights out. But then the baby came and I changed in an instant and having a baby was every bit as tedious and hard work and limiting of my freedom as I'd feared it would be. But it didn't matter, because I discovered other things inside of me that I hadn't known were there before, But more importantly, my children are now old enough to still be in bed at midday on the weekends and to make their own plans and look after their own hygiene and I can spend hours sitting around with magazines and go out for spontaneous meals and stay in bed as late as I like (or as late as my dog will let me!) and the bit I was dreading is over and it was nowhere near as bad as I thought it was going to be and this bit is awesomely great, I get to Iive with two people I never expected to have in my life and they are great company and I am so so glad I overrode my non maternal instincts and made them happen. BUT, I still totally get why people don't want to have them. Totally. And I agree that asking why people decide they DO want children is by far the more interesting question.

ControversialFerret · 12/06/2019 10:26

Oh yes, the 'you'll change your mind' bingo.

  • You'll change your mind (possible but I'd say it's unlikely).
  • You're selfish if you don't have kids (Why? I've never understood this argument).
  • It's not fair my kids will be paying for you when you're old (True, but I'm paying taxes now and not taking anything out for having kids - NHS, education, tax benefits etc. So it's swings and roundabouts).
  • You aren't a real women until you've given birth (Righto Confused).
  • I feel sorry for you because you'll never know what real love is (This one crops up again and again and is absolutely infuriating, implying as it does that I live some kind of half-life).

Repeat, rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat...

MarshaBradyo · 12/06/2019 10:27

Lol I can do both

ControversialFerret · 12/06/2019 10:29

And I find it baffling why some parents feel they have the right to make judgements about me for not having children - yet would be the first to kick off if I were to criticise their decision to have kids.

Fortunately my friends who are parents are nothing like this. They love their kids but recognise that what's right for one couple won't be right for another. And that it doesn't make the other couple lesser, just different.

AriaFitz · 12/06/2019 10:31

@Babblepook - what a joke? Confused whenever I ask my mum for advice I always say mums know best. It’s a well known saying.

AriaFitz · 12/06/2019 10:32

@Babblepook so which of my posts don’t seem kind? The ones where I’ve said I’m glad people have kids? The ones where I’ve said I like kids? The ones where I’ve expressed joy for people having kids after struggles? Or the one joke I posted that you don’t seem to get?

AriaFitz · 12/06/2019 10:33

Thanks though for saying I deserve to lose my friends because I don’t want children - display lots of your maternal empathy there that is childfree people are told we will never have!

Notreallyhappy · 12/06/2019 10:38

Kids are a pain in the arse.....I have one,love him hes 20 but still a pain...
I had him because i thought it was what i wanted...soon as the line turned blue it was fuck!! Life was never the same again..if I could send him back I would & sail off into the sunset..

Jade218 · 12/06/2019 10:58

@BobbyBaratheon - not a single one (that I remember reading anyway)

I have to be honest, I think parents take it far too personally when people without children say it looks like drudgery/not something that appeals to them etc etc.

If that's their opinions just let them be.

They've been asked a question and are answering it honestly.

I don't understand why it gets people's back up if they are truly happy with their situation/children/family life?

Parents shouldn't feel the need to change non parents minds, it's so rude.

Babblepook · 12/06/2019 11:24

@ariafitz

Thanks though for saying I deserve to lose my friends because I don’t want children - display lots of your maternal empathy there that is childfree people are told we will never have

I said nothing of the sort. I have lots of friends with and without children, it makes no difference to me or them. I also don’t believe I have a different empathy level because I’m a mother.

What I said was that if you’re making snidey remarks like ‘they’re a fan of the saying mum knows best’ then maybe they’re sensing hostility from you towards them. And I know it’s a familiar saying but you were using it in a derogatory manner in the post above.

ralfeesmum · 12/06/2019 11:36

Just a thought.......women get asked why they don't have a child but I don't think men get asked the same question.

Just like a woman can be asked at a job interview "do you have children?" but men are not...........

AriaFitz · 12/06/2019 11:40

@Babblepook it was a joke Hmm would it be ok to say maybe you lost your friend cos you’re just a boring mum with no sense of humour?

I’m obviously not hostile towards my friends 🤣 you’re being ridiculous over one joke that you don’t understand. Maybe you are unhappy with your life but there’s no reason to come and tell childfree people they’re wrong and deserve to lose their friends. I hope you find peace in your life (and a sense of humour) one day.

PinkieTuscadero · 12/06/2019 11:40

I've never been asked at interview if I have kids. Most panels who are doing things the correct way won't ask that question.

Babblepook · 12/06/2019 11:41

@ralfeesmum that’s actually illegal to ask to either a man or a woman although I’m aware it happens

SweetNorthernRose · 12/06/2019 11:46

I've just never felt the desire to have children. Neither my mum nor grandma are particularly 'maternal' people and i think I'm the same. I see the shit some of my friends have to put up with now they've had kids and I'm 100% sure I've made the right decision!

Daisydo48 · 12/06/2019 13:30

I met my DH at 19 he was 33 he already had 2 DS at the time they were 2 and 4 they very quickly became the biggest part of my life with them being with us 5-6 nights of the week. They are now 14 & almost 16 and I've loved them looked after them watched them grow into wonderful young men and now they are getting independent I'm very much enjoying time with DH. I am now 31 and we have over the years spoken about having our own but i just don't feel like i want to. I see my friends with their now very young children and think oh god no it looks hectic and i really don't think I'd cope

Abrokenheartedmum · 12/06/2019 14:01

Name changed for this post in case it's outing. Couldn't have children. Failed IVF. Heartbroken. Adopted DC aged 1 year. No contact with birth family advised by social services due to history of abuse/neglect/violence/crime. DC always difficult, never really bonded despite us trying everything. We gave DC everything we could, one of us gave up work to be a hands-on parent as required by SS at the time so money was tight. We sacrificed so much to give DC as many opportunities as possible in the way of clubs and sports, whatever DC interested in, we tried to make it happen. Holidays in the UK when we could afford it. Tons of love, support, hours spent reading with them, playing games, days out, lovely parties, entertaining friends, lifts, driving lessons, support with school work etc etc. When DC turned 18, contacted on social media by birth parent. Little toad ran away to be with birth family saying it's what they "always wanted". Haven't seen them since. I would never recommend adoption to anyone and I wish with all my heart we had remained childless given the pain and loss we are going through. Sorry. No intention to hijack this thread with my woes but sometimes I feel I need to rant and get it off my chest.

AriaFitz · 12/06/2019 14:07

@abrokenheartedmum - that is one of the saddest things I’ve ever read. As someone who met a parent later in their life I can understand why they wanted to meet their birth family but I’m shocked they no longer want to have anything to do with you. I don’t know what to say because nothing can make it better but I’m so sorry you’ve gone through that Flowers

MarthasGinYard · 12/06/2019 14:10

Bloody hell thats awful

Pursefirst · 12/06/2019 14:44

@Abrokenheartedmum Christ that is devastating. I'm so sorry you had to go through that Flowers