To ask why you didn't/don't want children?

[alfie22]

I'm in no way judging anybody who have decided not to have DCs.

But I am genuinely intrigued for the reasons why after reading a thread about somebody's DD not wanting children.

What are your reasons for not having children? Would there any be "what ifs" further down the line?

Also the irony of having a lot of people who choose to not be parents, slate paranting on a site called mumsnet is lost on me

This has been asked and answered countless times, not just in this thread.

The site has a wide range of topics, from pets and healthcare to feminism and TV shows.

There are also daughters/sons, sisters/brothers, aunties/uncles, cousins, godparents, teachers, caregivers - many, many people that may need advice or suggestions regarding kids that may not directly be a parent themselves.

Completely respect people’s choice to not start a family, it’s something we agonised over for a long time, as we enjoyed our work hard play hard lifestyle and didn’t see how children could fit into that and at that time I didn’t want to give up my career I’d worked hard for (would have been impossible to do with anything other than 100% commitment) , and then, because life’s like that when I finally decided I wanted to it was a bloody hard slog, but DC is her and is wonderful and I’m glad I did.

It is hard work, but then my previous career was hard work, different but truly comparable on how knackering and all consuming it could be. So I feel slightly jealous of those that are able to live the fabulous stereotypical childfree life with an easy job! Must start a thread to find out what that is.

Reading some of the answers I’m not sure they’re wholly truthful though as there’s such a sense of nastiness and bitterness running through a lot them that I suspect there’s probably a lot more to it. If you had asked me 10 years ago I would have been able to give quite valid reasons but there would certainly not have been any of this weird hardened nastiness running though my answer .

@WhoatemyLindtbunny I agree there does seem to be some bitterness on the thread.

But also a lot of defensiveness from parents which in all fairness the thread wasn't directed at them. I do think the people being asked the question should be able to be honest about their answers even if it may not be what parents want to hear.

I recently started a thread because I was inspired by this one actually. It's called why people chose to have kids and so far it's been a really interesting and pleasant thread, no bitterness.

But one think I noticed is that it also doesn't feature people that didn't have kids trying to tell the ones that did why they're wrong.

If you had asked me 10 years ago I would have been able to give quite valid reasons but there would certainly not have been any of this weird hardened nastiness running though my answer

I think the frustration is when parents tell you your reason for not having children is incorrect and you must have a unfulfilling unloved life as you are missing out on sooooo much.

If I can understand that some people love having children and it was the best thing for them but why can't they respect my decision not to have any and all my reasons without trying to pick apart all the flaws in mine and other posters logic.

Coupled with a thread specifically aimed at the childfree by choice and infiltrated by parents mostly mothers moaning about why we post on here and that we clearly don't know our own minds and preferences isn't it any wonder we are banging our head against a wall

Reading some of the answers I’m not sure they’re wholly truthful though as there’s such a sense of nastiness and bitterness running through a lot them that I suspect there’s probably a lot more to it.

That's probably at least partly down to frustration at the number of parents telling us why we're wrong and missing out... and also the number of twerps who repeatedly ask "So why are non-parents on Mumsnet?" without even bothering to read the thread & see if the question's already been answered.

I did find it interesting at first as it doesn’t chime what I wanted but the number of posts saying a parents life must be awful does get wearing too

@Jade218 I haven't had a chance to read through your 'why did you choose to have children?' thread. Out of interest, how many people completely disregarded the question and responded with all the reasons they chose not to have children and how not having children has improved their lives?

the number of posts saying a parents life must be awful does get wearing too

That's the point. To those childfree by choice, a parent's life does look unattractive. That's why we've chosen not to have DC.

the number of posts saying a parents life must be awful does get wearing too

Equally, on the side of those who are childfree, the number of posts saying we'll change our mind is also very wearing.

Ok and you might get a few posts saying it’s not which is also true

I don’t think you should change your minds however

you might get a few posts saying it’s not

Just because it's a happy lifestyle for some doesn't mean it's the right path for everyone.

I really don’t think it is the right path for everyone

I suppose the flip side is a thread saying all the bad things about being child free - to give an early example, shallow. That’s not true.

So some of the stuff about parenting it doesn’t sound right to me but having said that no one should change their mind. I don’t want to convince anyone but I’m the same way someone might say hey I’m not shallow

Society: Do you want kids?
Me: No.
S: Oh! Why not?
M: Because of the financial, emotional, environmental and physical impact on my life.
S: But you're missing out!
M: I have everything I want and need so no, I'm really not.
S: Well you're not a proper woman if you're not a mother. You don't fit in with us. We know true love and you don't because you don't understand. I pity you.
M: I really don't need to be patronised. I'm genuinely fulfilled and happy without kids.
S: You'll change your mind.

It's almost perpetual isn't it?

I've noticed on this thread.

I really don't understand why so many parents are coming over here and getting offended I have a cat. I love my cat. If somebody says to me that they don't like cats and don't ever want one, I don't get upset and start questioning their reasons.

You don’t need to change your minds. It’s a shame that’s what you’re hearing.

I enjoy being a parent but I have seen other parents really struggle.

But for a lot, the reason why they struggle I would say is they make their lives very very hard all by themselves.

I know a few parents who have so many rules and regulations it makes my head spin, let alone being a child in the middle of it all. They also seem to work to a strict timetable that doesnt work but they won’t change and then they struggle with the outcome.

I think this is where you get parents who regret having children and confirm to others that parenting is a terrible thing.

Gatsby has summarises beautifully why there is a 'bitter' (frustrated) tone from us childless folk on this thread.

And I too noticed that on the 'why did you have children thread', we're not challenging those parent's choices.

It's such a weird thing, but it is relentless and exhausting.

posts saying a parents life must be awful does get wearing too

I can’t actually see anyone saying parents lives look awful.

It’s a matter of opinion as to if all the ancillary work that is required to bring up children looks like drudgery (to me) or lovely and enriching and not work at all (you).

Like, I really dislike sewing. I see people doing cross stitch for fun and I think “WTf?! Why would you do that for fun!! It’s so boring and it takes so long and hurts your fingers”. I don’t think the cross stitcher is doing it because they are a sadist, they obviously enjoy it! But that doesn’t mean that I am wrong for finding it boring.

Why do people with children constantly denying that there are hard and boring parts? We know you love your children, we know you enjoy them and are happy (we hope) but that isn’t to say that I am the same as you.

I don’t constantly tell people who have never expressed any interest in my hobbies that they should take them up. People say they wouldn’t like to go climbing as it looks like hard work, scary and maybe painful. Yeah, you know what? It is actually all of those things but for me the positives (exercise, achievement, being outside, challenging myself working out the puzzle physically and mentally, social aspect) outweigh the negatives. I don’t tell people they are wrong and climbing is the best thing ever and they would change their mind if only they tried it. I especially wouldn’t say that if it was an irreversible decision they would be stuck with for the rest of their lives.

I don’t constantly tell people who have never expressed any interest in my hobbies that they should take them up

I seem to attract people who do just that.

Trying to tell someone you don’t want to knit, sew, crochet, go antique hunting, collect stamps, do cricket, hockey and lacrosse, (same person), netball, tennis, go to classical music concerts, join their book club and many many more over the years.

It is exhausting.

For those who are child free why is it acceptable to say that you feel that having children is ‘wearing’ and ‘drudgery’ but on the flipside it’s totally awful if those with children say that those who are child free are missing out on feeling the joy and love that having children brings?

WhoatemyLindtbunny Reading some of the answers I’m not sure they’re wholly truthful though as there’s such a sense of nastiness and bitterness running through a lot them that I suspect there’s probably a lot more to it.

You'll notice on this, and every other thread like it, that parents spend a lot of time telling non-parents why they are wrong and why their choice was better and if we'd only just try it we'd know real love, have real purpose and see life in technicolour, just like they do.

So yeah, I expect many of us do come out of the gate on the defensive now because we have heard it all before, so many times.

Jade218 I recently started a thread because I was inspired by this one actually…But one think I noticed is that it also doesn't feature people that didn't have kids trying to tell the ones that did why they're wrong.

Well colour me surprised (not).

Babblepook Because the thread asked for reasons, and those were some that were given. The thread didn't ask for people to come and tell us for the millionth time that we're missing out and will never know true love.