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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask why you didn't/don't want children?

959 replies

alfie22 · 09/06/2019 23:42

I'm in no way judging anybody who have decided not to have DCs.

But I am genuinely intrigued for the reasons why after reading a thread about somebody's DD not wanting children.

What are your reasons for not having children? Would there any be "what ifs" further down the line?

OP posts:
BuzzShitbagBobbly · 11/06/2019 22:00

No feminist reasons here, (I'm definitely not one) I just have never felt any real need to.

Thank goodness those pesky feminists fought for the right to give women like you those choices though, eh?

So you could go to work, earn your own living, have your own money, buy your own hone, take control of your own sex life and reproductive choices etc.

Yeah, who'd want to be a nasty feminist if that's all they do?

LaraLondon1 · 11/06/2019 22:16

OMG some of the replies here make me wonder why the hell are people who openly say they hate children on a mumsnet chat forum !!!

EarClipper · 11/06/2019 22:17

Three exclamation marks and an OMG. Shock

chamchick26 · 11/06/2019 22:20

I'm feeling a little confused....... Why are so many people, who think having children is so terrible, on a website aimed at mum's! Have I missed something? (genuinely confused)

AlexaAmbidextra · 11/06/2019 22:22

No feminist reasons here, (I'm definitely not one)

Vivianebrookskoviak. So you don’t believe women should have equality with men? That we can be treated less favourably? That we shouldn’t enjoy the same opportunities? That we shouldn’t have equal rights? Shock

EarClipper · 11/06/2019 22:23

Why are so many people, who think having children is so terrible, on a website aimed at mum's! Have I missed something?

Yes.

AlexaAmbidextra · 11/06/2019 22:29

I'm feeling a little confused....... Why are so many people, who think having children is so terrible, on a website aimed at mum's! Have I missed something? (genuinely confused)

OMG some of the replies here make me wonder why the hell are people who openly say they hate children on a mumsnet chat forum !!!

Oh dear. I think we’ve been invaded by the terminally hard of thinking. Yes, you’ve missed something. Why don’t you both read the entire thread? You will find this has been explained several times. 🙄

XXcstatic · 11/06/2019 22:31

Interesting thread.

I didn't so much choose not to have kids as choose not to be a parent IYSWIM. I like children and have worked with them, but I didn't think I would be happy as a mother: I thought I would feel trapped and hate the relentlessness of it.

I would have loved to have kids if I could have been a 1970s dad (play with the kids for half an hour then bugger off to the pub for rest of the evening), not a 2000s mum Wink

I did end up caring for DC for a while, which didn't change my views either way - I enjoyed being with them but was also glad the situation was temporary.

EmpressLesbianInChair · 11/06/2019 22:51

I'm feeling a little confused....... Why are so many people, who think having children is so terrible, on a website aimed at mum's! Have I missed something? (genuinely confused)

OMG some of the replies here make me wonder why the hell are people who openly say they hate children on a mumsnet chat forum !!!

And BINGO.....

Sundancer77 · 11/06/2019 23:06

Very interesting thread..! A foot in both sides on this one, but too tired to contribute now until tomorrow, so will mark as following for now.

Rory4Leader · 11/06/2019 23:17

@Flamingnorahs you're not a tit at all! It's just those of us who have been here for a long time have seen it evolve and there's many reasons to be on here and not already a parent.

Some are desperately trying, have had losses, never wanted to be or need advice for various stages of parenthood, too many reasons to mention sometimes parents post as they want to chat about politics, feminism, tv, books in fact anything other than kids/parenthood.

It's all good SmileThanks

Gothicnightmare · 12/06/2019 00:01

Lots of reasons. Overpopulation, I'd feel really guilty for bringing another person into this world. Loss of species saddens me greatly and humans are a huge factor in this. Nappies in landfill (yes I know about cloth). Competition for jobs. Bullying at school and in work. Childbirth. I watched the birth video of a Youtuber I follow recently and she had no pain relief and screamed like she was possessed. But I imagine what comes after you birth the baby would be even more difficult, at least for me. I just don't think I could cope and I wouldn't want to risk it. I've had depression and anxiety most of my life (mostly better now but still) and think a screaming baby would push me over the edge.

For years my mother and friend would try to convince me otherwise. My friend would laugh and say of course I could look after a child, not to be silly when I told her I could barely look after myself. But she'd told me herself how difficult it was, how she'd be crying on the phone to her mother due to the sleep deprivation. I couldn't handle that.

Occasionally when I see friends cuddling their kids I feel a pang of I'm not sure what? Sadness that I won't experience that? Or something. I had a mostly happy childhood with a good family and I guess I thought I'd do the same and have my own at one point. But then I realised that they're not for me. If I had lots of money, better mental health and the world wasn't in such a state perhaps things would be different. I like to think perhaps there is another me on a parallel universe with a couple of sprogs haha. But I don't think I could handle the reality of bringing up a child.

I also wonder how people get the time for other things? Like work? I'm stretched out right now and don't know how parents cope in the workplace. I can barely get myself up and ready in the morning and when you have kids you need to organise someone to look after them if you're not around. I'm scatter brained and would probably forget to arrange childcare. And I'd feel terribly if I couldn't look after them properly, provide for them and keep them relatively happy.

My DB has 3 young kids and they're a handful. I'm amazed one of them hasn't been seriously hurt because they're allowed out to play in the street unsupervised and don't have any road sense from what I've seen. I enjoy spending time with them to an extent, they're cute and funny but can also be quite trying and naughty at times. And they have So.Much.Plastic.Crap. Every time a birthday or Christmas rolls around more plastic crap is added to what is already there. I think of it all ending up in landfill and how many children there are with plastic crap and it makes my head spin.

Kids can adversely affect relationships too. A friend of mine had a planned for baby and her DP basically had a personality transplant overnight. He just couldn't cope and took it out on her and they eventually split.

Then there's the fact that you could have a kid with a disability or something could happen to them. I couldn't cope with that kind of thing. A friend of mine finally had her dreamed-for baby and the child has a life-limiting condition. Also she's in the US and constantly getting hit with medical bills. It must be so bloody hard.

I'm not very good with kids. I mean I can try but I'm not a natural. And they can be very noisy and irritating at times. The shrieking and random crying at nothing. Very expensive to look after. I think I'd find it very stressful and like others have said, you can't give them back. And then there's the being judged for doing/not doing certain things.

I like to travel and enjoy a quiet home life. I love animals. I like doing spontaneous stuff. I like lying in and not having to worry about looking after someone else. And I'd hate to mess someone up because I couldn't provide for them. So it's just me, DP and hopefully a rescue pet or two in the future. I enjoy my life and wouldn't want to risk messing up a child and myself.

Lovely13 · 12/06/2019 00:10

Do remember a long time ago someone saying to friend who was desperate for child, they’re not all they’re cracked up to be. She was right. I adore my now grown up ones. But could have had an equally fab life without them.

BadLad · 12/06/2019 00:12

Have I missed something?

Yes. A brain

Micsam89 · 12/06/2019 03:39

I've never felt the desire. I married young and my husband and I are very happy with just each other and our pets as company. People have always said I'd change my mind, but so far I haven't. I used to hate children (they're loud, snotty and dirty), now I don't hate them and I can tolerate my friends children, but I don't like holding new babies or get broody. I also have a number of physical and mental health problems, and I think I wouldn't cope as a mother, having to be so selfless. I've also been made to feel selfish for not giving my parents grandchildren, or less of a woman as I don't feel maternal in any way. This is a nice thread to see I'm not a horrible person and that I can live a fulfilling life without kids.

Teacher22 · 12/06/2019 06:58

Because of my DM and Not so DF’s horrendous divorce I did not want to get married.

I got married and we are coming up to our ruby wedding. Certainly do not regret the ups and downs.

I did not want children as I did not know how I would be able to be a mother. I did not like the idea of children 24/7 though I was a teacher and liked them well enough in school. I was a bit damaged from my childhood and quite selfish.

I have two children, a DS and a DD.

They have made my life. Bringing them up was hard but I love them to bits.

WhoAteMyNuts · 12/06/2019 07:07

For the posters who are Shock at the childfree being on this site.

Are you really so narrow focused you can't see that the majority of conversations on here have nothing to do with children?

Do you only converse with 'parents' in RL about decorating, food, holidays, clothes, parking etc? Do you ask for a parenting status and then if none you say well I can't possibly discuss this with you? Do you only want opinions from people that have the same life experiences and views that you hold or could you not see that expanding that might bring something more to the conversation?

And the poster who was equally Shock at why some of us who don't like children are on here I am still awaiting MN to boot me off because I am sure if they get rid of the HUGE numbers of childfree posters it won't possibly affect their ratings and advertising at all Wink

Sipperskipper · 12/06/2019 07:15

I have a daughter (just turned 2, she is lovely) but I really don’t feel that my life is any more ‘enriched’ or more loving than before. I liked my life before and I like it now. It’s a bit different but I don’t feel it’s lots more enjoyable or not enjoyable if you see what I mean.

GatsbyWasntGreat · 12/06/2019 07:59

Those saying 'it's hard work but I wouldn't be without them' - I've always thought there's a huge element of in-built programming/hormones with this? They're your kids, so of course you're hard wired to love them and put up with anything.

Doesn't neccessarily mean you'd have been unhappier without them.

MarshaBradyo · 12/06/2019 08:01

There are so many people who are very unhappy they can’t have children, very painful so for some it does mean unhappiness

GatsbyWasntGreat · 12/06/2019 08:04

We're talking about childfree by choice, Marsha. Not infertility.

MarshaBradyo · 12/06/2019 08:04

Well it’s still a factor

MarshaBradyo · 12/06/2019 08:05

In fact when they do that who’s happiest - single female I wonder who they select and how many are single not by choice

MarshaBradyo · 12/06/2019 08:06

Without dc rather

MangoMummy19 · 12/06/2019 08:11

Not every parent finds raising a child to equate to drudgery, some may actually enjoy it. Also, children grow up so whilst its hard and intense while they are young, they grow up. Its not all rainbows and butterflies, more like snot and and other bodily fluids and exhaustion but seeing my children achieve certain goals, even at a young age makes me happier than any sunset or holiday ever could. People saying they don't want them is a choice I respect, but why is it rubbing it in your face to say I don't regret having them, even with the sleepless nights and thanklessness?? My children are endlessly hilarious and no two days are the same, even the days where I feel I am losing my mind completely. In my experience there is nothing comparable to it and honestly unless you experience it for yourself, you will never know. Not javing a child does not make your life pointless or worthless at all, just different. Also the irony of having a lot of people who choose to not be parents, slate paranting on a site called mumsnet is lost on me.