To ask why you didn't/don't want children?

[alfie22]

I'm in no way judging anybody who have decided not to have DCs.

But I am genuinely intrigued for the reasons why after reading a thread about somebody's DD not wanting children.

What are your reasons for not having children? Would there any be "what ifs" further down the line?

For people asking why people who are not parents are on mumsnet, most of the site isn’t about kids! Also, do you only want Mother’s responding to the parenting threads? Not teachers, mental health professionals, lawyers, doctors, nurses, midwives and any number of other people who have professional dealings with children unless they’re also mothers?

@Ibiza7 that’s so amazing for you that you now have a little girl, I don’t know where you found the strength from to go through all of that

Only thing is, people with dc KNOW what life is like without them but those without dc have no real idea of what it is like with them. They only see the negatives but have no experience and can have no experience of the depth of joy that they bring

More patronising bollocks.

Still waiting for technicolour......

I have never felt broody or in any way maternal. I've known from being a teen that I didn't want any children.
Was careful all my young life with contraception and never had a pregnancy scare. I asked to be sterilised when I was about 33 and didn't have to fight to get it.

I look at threads on here and see time and time again that it is the woman who is left with all the work.
I see my friends with kids, so tired, poor, rushing from one pick up to another and my god, they can bore for England talking about their kids and moaning about their lot.

The thought of being pregnant and giving birth just fills me with horror.

All I can see is a loop of drudgery, noise, expense and thanklessness.
That is just not for me. Kudos to those that do it.

DP didn't want any either which would have been a deal breaker. I don't feel like I've missed out on anything, quite the opposite.

I found my deep abiding love in my DP, my parents and my animals.

People used to say I'd regret it when I was older. Pah, like hell.

Only thing is, people with dc KNOW what life is like without them but those without dc have no real idea of what it is like with them.

That sort of thinking only works if you assume everyone's experiences are the same. I don't believe they are - I don't see why your life as a parent would be the same as another parent's, any more than I'd expect my child-free life to be the same as someone else's.

I don't really like kids.
I hate the idea of cleaning up vomit/blood/shit etc. (that's why I don't want pets either)
I don't want to be at people's beck and call all the time.
I think my parents did a shit job and I have damaged, difficult relationships with them both to this day (I'm 44). So I don't want to parent because I'll probably pass all that shit on.

I could also talk about the environment and planetary overcrowding etc. Those are genuine reasons, but truthfully the above are what has really stopped me having them.

they don't have boxes full of toys

Ha ha ha. You haven't met mine. They have a box each with their names on it

@twinkledag thank you that's really kind

No feminist reasons here, (I'm definitely not one) I just have never felt any real need to. No biological clock and I don't like babies which so many people when I've told them that have replaced the words 'don't like' with 'hate' which isn't the case.
All the things that could go wrong with pregnancies plus weight gain, stretch marks, I had weight battles for years and don't fancy that again for any reason.
I've worked on maternity wards years ago and seen how tired and worn out the women look and I never want that for myself.
Plus due to diet issues in my 20s I cant have them now anyways,I'm as sure as I can be on that which actually isn't a bad thing as I never wanted them to begin with.
I have a close friend who doesn't want them as pregnancy grosses her out.
I'm pretty much used to people patronising me over it though. People do, not realising that you're actually doing the planet a favour.

I know I didn’t want children at all and due to various health reasons was told it was highly unlikely I would get pregnant or carry a child. So decided not to use contraception, as very little risk of pregnancy and guess what, happened twice, which was a shock both times. I was too selfish also and career minded. Once I became pregnant, I became a completely different person, it was the weirdest thing, and my kids are truly two of the best things I have ever achieved in my life. No one was more surprised than my friends, colleagues and family as I did not have a maternal bone in my body, I can’t explain it either.

Because I've never felt the urge or desire the way some people do. I waited to see if it would hit me, the biological clock, but it didnt. There are so many kids in the world already. It seemed irrational to have them if I didn't really really want them, just because 'thats what people do'. Bit selfish to the kids too.

Also, my sister and her husband have one kid and they have to run their lives like a military operation. I don't want that. I don't need any more work in my life.

But mainly just cos the urge never drove me to it.

Well whenever we check in about it there is always something else we would rather do than have children, it's not an urge or a priority for us and I think if we really wanted them we would try to have them. That's it really, I love my niece and nephew and would do anything for them but its just not for me.

I hear you goodluck. My son has ASD and OCD. My daughter is already firmly in the camp of 'no way' and I'm entirely supportive of it as it is now obvious that both my husband and his father are/were 'spectrummy', IYKWIM. She doesn't want to take the chance of passing it on. There are basically no positives to my life now, everything is a fight and a struggle, every single day and yes, it gets harder as they grow older.

You must have had more luck with toys that I ever have, Leigh. My dog was only ever interested in one tug toy and my cats treat all bought toys with disdain (then go wild over a discarded wine cork or a random piece of string).

I was the eldest of 17 cousins and was often left to look after the little sods darlings, That, and the fact that one of my aunts died in childbirth really put me off. Having said that I welcomed a stepdaughter into my life in my late forties ( she was 15) and I love her dearly.

Through teenage years I loathed children, hated that my younger sibling was a spoilt brat and hated being asked to babysit anyone's snotty kids. At 23 I became pregnant by mistake, miscarried twins and so an absolute, almost animal feeling of need for a baby kicked in. I have had three over 8 years, divorced when the youngest was a toddler. Twenty years of hard slog, never any spare cash, and no savings to show for myself and I'm scarily in my 50's now.They are grown up now, and they are the best thing that ever happened to me, if I dropped dead tomorrow, I would die happy knowing I created such great human beings.
Saying that, I wouldn't wish my chaotic and financially and emotionally draining life on anyone, so I totally understand why some people would choose to not have children. In a way, I almost admire those who have enough confidence in themselves to make that decision against all the pressure they may face.

@ScreamingValenta unfortunately toys for my dogs is one thing I've been spectacularly successful at! They even know which ones belong to each other and if I put the wrong ones in the wrong box they will take it out again. They are a tie, but I can't imagine life without them.

I can't really say why I didn't/don't (mid forties now so more towards didn't) want children. The whole having-children thing just seemed to be something other people did, generally much to my bafflement as to why on earth they would want to.
It's not like it's something you can have a shot at and stop doing if you realise it's not for you. You're stuck with your decision.
Luckily DH was on board with it and just as happy to give it a miss.
It's turned out fortunate that we have as my health has gone to shit so at least I'm not trying to deal with children on top of that.

Never felt the urge that many women go on about. It didn't change when I was accidentally pregnant so I didn't have it. I still feel the same. For me, the pros do not outweigh the cons.

We have two close 'aunties' my partner and I. Both late 40's, didn't want children and never married. They loved us as children, taking us on holidays etc. However never wanted the 24/7 commitment. They have very fun filled interesting lives and don't regret for 1 moment not having children. I respect them for that.

Struggles with MH that mean I don't want to try and take on kids on top of that.

Neither DH nor I had the happiest childhoods - nothing awful, but dysfunctional. We don't want to fuck up another generation.

Health problems. Getting pregnant is a possibility but would take a lot of intervention. Neither of us were sufficiently interested in pursuing it.

I like kids. I've never felt that urge to have my own. Theoretically it's still an option but I'm in my 40s now so very unlikely.

I have children 3 last one was a surprise it's hard work stressful and demanding my oldest has global development delay which has made my life 10x harder but I love them unconditionally I do miss alot of things in my life pre kids and do have days of regret

I miss not having to book a holiday around the children
I miss not being able to give my boyfriend 100% attention
I miss sleep

I hate that I dont get much chance to even make myself look nice anymore I dont have time
I get little peace
I miss not having lie ins
This in mind If i could go back I would probably have stuck to one child instead

Thought about it pretty deeply and the main reasons are: not maternal (get on with children over 5 but limited time periods). No desire to be pregnant and have nightmares about it, my mum didn’t realise she was pregnant until she was too far along and I see how much it affected her life. As much as she loves me it stuck her with an abusive XH who didn’t pay child support, we were homeless for a bit and she had a rough time. I value my marriage to DH and I want that to be my primary source of unconditional love. Finally, DH has Crohn’s disease and a heart condition, and I have MH issues, PCOS and my mum has MS. DH said he’d never take the chance. DMIL is gutted and tries to convince us (me) a lot and I love her but I can’t have a child I don’t want to make her happy, that would be awful.

I found MN when researching online communities for an essay many moons ago - I do feel a bit weird being here sometimes but mostly browse without taking part. I miss the C4 forums and Reddit is a bit less about deep conversations.

I've always lurked but have never been compelled to post until now.

I didn’t choose to be born so why would I want to be selfish and bring someone into this world who doesn’t have a choice? Then expect them or want to mould them into something and be upset when they turn out to be an individual with their own personality? Bring them into a world that is just getting shittier. We have done and are continuing to ruin this planet, people are becoming more intolerant of each other, hating each other, becoming more greedy, fake, dishonest. We expect the next generation and generations after to live like this, or worse, fix OUR mistakes?

I’m in my late thirties and got sterilised years ago. If I ever decide it was a mistake & I do want children I will adopt as there are millions of innocent children who have been abandoned and did not ask to be brought into this world.

For people asking why people who are not parents are on mumsnet, most of the site isn’t about kids!

Well, at least you can tell who hasn’t bothered to RTFT.