To ask why you didn't/don't want children?

[alfie22]

I'm in no way judging anybody who have decided not to have DCs.

But I am genuinely intrigued for the reasons why after reading a thread about somebody's DD not wanting children.

What are your reasons for not having children? Would there any be "what ifs" further down the line?

VetOnCall, that sounds absolutely blissful! I knew lots of people like that when I was climbing in my 20s and they are all very content with their lives, glad you are, too.

The planet would be so much better off without us on it. I am fairly certain we will be wiped out one day but for now a few less of us would not be such a bad idea

So extinction of some animal species = bad, extinction of humans = good?

And it would take a long time to get to that point - in the meantime there’d potentially be insufficient food due to lack of farming, lack of sanitation, lack of medical care, lack of education, society would collapse, there’d be crime, filth and famine... sounds wonderful for the planet.

SinkGirl, well then the best thing would be for humans to be wiped out totally in one go wouldn't it? Oh and yes I do think extinction of humans would be good.

If we continue to overpopulate the planet and don't take steps to try and stop or at least reduce the pollution, the over use of plastic etc the future is going to be that great for future generations any way is it?

Climate change, not enough food, water shortages are all almost certainly going to happen. That's just a few of the major problems we will face.

In the UK the NHS is struggling, the education system is struggling, there is nowhere near enough housing and more and more people can't afford to get on the housing ladder. Quite a lot of people can't even afford to rent. The roads can barely cope with the amount of traffic on them, trains are overcrowded and very expensive.

DH and I often lament that we should have stuck with puppies

Lol, if I could have had puppies, I'd have had a litter every year.

When I see a puppy, my heart just melts and I get an overwhelming urge to pick them up and kiss and cuddle them, and bury my nose in the back of their pudgy necks and inhale their lovely puppy smell.

I do wonder if any maternal instinct I may have had somehow got transferred to puppies. Is that how women who love babies feel about them?

SinkGirl, well then the best thing would be for humans to be wiped out totally in one go wouldn't it?
Well short of a global cataclysmic event, that isn’t going to happen

In the UK the NHS is struggling, the education system is struggling, there is nowhere near enough housing and more and more people can't afford to get on the housing ladder

These are not the result of overpopulation, especially the former, but of governmental decision making, incompetence and deliberate funding starvation

Remember this?
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/help-to-buy-affordable-housing-funding-divert-property-market-buyers-sajid-javid-a8233011.html%3famp

Honestly? All anybody (who has children) seems to do is complain and moan about their children. Really puts me off. People should be more positive about their kids, it's a gift to even have them!

Rory4Leader yes, I'm afraid I am new here (well, refound after a few years anyway) and I've apologised for asking that question. I was just genuinely interested. I just didnt realise it was such an emotive question to ask here! I am suitably chastised and wont ask again! Have searched other posts about same question and realise I'm a giant tit!

And yes, yes one should feel ashamed about not wanting the children one decided to have.

Why? I think it's very brave to open oneself up to attacks like yours. Quite a few friends and colleagues have told me that, with hindsight, they would have preferred not to have had their kids.

One of them added that she felt she could tell me because, as someone who had chosen not to have kids, she felt I wouldn't judge her.

It doesn't mean that they don't unconditionally love the child(ren) they have, or that they don't care for them properly, just that they would have preferred the life they might have had if they'd remained childfree.

Because i've been a carer since the age of 8 (now mid 30's) and I've had literally no life of my own... last actual job finished at 22 when people got too poorly for me to be able to leave them along long enough to work/i couldn't be up all night and work all day with no sleep whatsoever so I essentially live to look after other people now.

When the time comes when I'm finally free (most likely when I start needing care too at the rate things are going in this family , I want to have a life without someone having demands on me all the fricking time. Every single bloody day and night without a break.

Haven't read the full thread but enough of it to make me ask of the people who have chosen to never have kids why did you join Mumsnet?

For the swearing, mostly.

Someone sent me a link to a thread about turning up to some event which eventually turned out to be a group of women intent on inspecting their own vaginas, and I found it utterly hilarious. I discovered the threads in Classics and spent the best part of the weekend laughing until my sides hurt.

I started reading AIBU now and again, just to see if there was anything funny to read. I finally subscribed when someone had a problem that I was able to give sound advice on because it was connected to what I do for a living.

A lot of threads on here are nothing to do with parenting: they're about cheeky fucker parking, nuisance neighbours, what to have for dinner.

And I almost never feel unwelcome for not being a parent.

The childfree (me included) are mostly just here on Mumsnet to remind ourselves of why we don’t want children. Just in case we ever get the urge, we can open up a few threads, read about the tedium and remind ourselves “oh yes, THIS is why we made the wise choice to remain without.”

not in the least bit goady

So many child free people on here going on about not wanting a life of 'drudgery'. If a person with a child said that they would it want a life 'devoid of the depths of live only a child can bring' they would be lambasted! Truth is, the choice of having dc or not having dc each bring a different set of pros and cons. Only thing is, people with dc KNOW what life is like without them but those without dc have no real idea of what it is like with them. They only see the negatives but have no experience and can have no experience of the depth of joy that they bring. Observing those around you with dc does not actually give you much insight as you can only observe what you see, not the magic that is felt.

In any case, no one I know who is child free seems to swan off on multiple last minute fabulous holidays nice in theory and I'm sure a few do but most are just doing what everyone does...work....eat....sleep....maybe read a bit more and have an expensive hobby perhaps.

WritersBlock2 so you come in MN to remind yourself why you don't have dc? Funny that you feel the need to remind yourself. Perhaps you are less certain than you claim to be if you have the need to constantly remind yourself why.

Sorry, I read again and it's not you WritersBlock2. It's someone you quoted!

Someone's annoyed.

I'll say it again but the most rabidly anti-child posts on Mumsnet come from parents. It's almost de rigueur to say 'love my kids, simply loathe everyone else's'. Weird.

I think that poster was probably sick of the constant 'why are you on MN if you haven't got dc' ridiculous posts which keep cropping up. So was being light hearted....

@poopypants parents have said that to me and much, much worse and others agreed with them, so no, they wouldn’t get ‘lambasted’.

These threads always go the same way.

In the end, those who decide to have children will always think those without are missing out, and those who choose to remain childfree will always feel relieved they don't have DC.

If those who are childfree are missing out by not having kids then those with kids are missing out on lots by having them.

You can't have everything.

Different people, different lives, different norms, different goals, different fulfilment.

Only thing is, people with dc KNOW what life is like without them but those without dc have no real idea of what it is like with them. They only see the negatives but have no experience and can have no experience of the depth of joy that they bring. Observing those around you with dc does not actually give you much insight as you can only observe what you see, not the magic that is felt.

I would say, equally, that people with wanted and planned children can have no real idea what it is like without them when you have chosen that life. You see what you call the negatives but you have no experience of appreciating that life because you have not experienced it in that way

Truth is, the choice of having dc or not having dc each bring a different set of pros and cons.

But different LIVES - with or without children - have different sets of pros and cons.

One big factor in my husband and I choosing to avoid kids so far is that we have relatively big incomes to our friends. We can afford multiple foreign holidays a year. Kids or not, they couldn't do that. (I know children cost money and limit income, but it's in a lot more 'stable' a fashion than ad hoc big lump sums on holidays).

One of my friends has a high income but hates foreign travel mostly, and has always wanted to be a mum. She is enjoying being a mum.

Another friend WOULD have chosen to travel more, but since they couldn't afford it, have chosen kids earlier.

We have less desire for children (none, yet), AND incomes that sustain us traipsing all over the globe.

None of the three lives are comparable.

Only thing is, people with dc KNOW what life is like without them but those without dc have no real idea of what it is like with them.

I don't agree with this. The people I know who have children either wanted them or wasn't too bothered either way but was more than happy to embrace them when they came along.

That is completely different to knowing you never want that life for you. If I had got pregnant accidentally I wouldn't have stayed pregnant for long. There was never any question of me continuing a pregnancy.

Plus how on earth does a mother at 20/30/40 know what it's like to be childfree at that age or for ever. They don't because they CHOOSE to have children which is the polar opposite of choosing never to be a parent.

Only thing is, people with dc KNOW what life is like without them but those without dc have no real idea of what it is like with them.

Well, no. 45 year old me has a very different life than I did as a (say) 22 year old - home life, location, leisure, income etc - all different. I could never have envisaged or known what it would be like where I am now. It's a completely different experience.

Add in the 'sliding doors' decision of motherhood or not and my life would have been even more different yet again.

Yep, different people, different lives. No two lives are the same. There are rich people with dc who could still do a million more exciting things than poor people without dc. There are people with dc that they struggle with horribly and those with dc who have a wonderful relationship. There are those without dc who are bitter and angry to have missed the chance and others who are carefree and happy to have fewer ties. There are the ill amongst us and the healthy and that has a huge impact on our lives, with or without dc. It's not really a point to argue but getting back to the OPs post. It IS interesting to know WHY people chose what they did. It's just a pity that people had to go into completely dissing the whole parenting thing by saying 'because I didn't want a life of drudgery'....it's not dc who make life a drudgery, it's your own character. If you are the kind to live a life of drudgery, you'll do it with or without dc. If you honestly chose a life without dc to avoid drudgery then you chose for the wrong reasons. You'll still have that life of drudgery.

If you honestly chose a life without dc to avoid drudgery then you chose for the wrong reasons. You'll still have that life of drudgery.

Arghhh this again. Everyone finds something hard work and boring. But one persons drudgery is another persons delight.