To ask why you didn't/don't want children?

[alfie22]

I'm in no way judging anybody who have decided not to have DCs.

But I am genuinely intrigued for the reasons why after reading a thread about somebody's DD not wanting children.

What are your reasons for not having children? Would there any be "what ifs" further down the line?

@sar302 I agree with that. I am child free and pet free. Lots of child free people I know have pets and won’t go out for long/go on holiday because they don’t want to leave them. They buy fancy food and expensive toys, some have huge play areas and beds (or the pet has its own room) and then they say they don’t want children because of mess, noise, expense, being tied down etc. But dogs need training and leave hair everywhere, horses are expensive etc and while it’s totally their choice and I’m happy they have pets they love, they don’t seem to see the irony in trying to convince me to get a cat/dog/horse and then complaining about people trying to talk them into having children

I think the problem is that some child free people sometimes come across as a bit like the parents who think themselves better than “school gate mums”. Above the “mundanes”. Living a colourful meaningful life, not a beige one.

No quaffing champagne cocktails after work just cos I fancy it
Why not? You’ve said you have a partner that does his share so why could you not do this?

It's a military operation getting baby sitting
Why? I just book one and they come!

I've been out in the evening three times in the last 7 months
Again why, if you have a supportive partner?

No Champagne cocktails: because I don't live or work in London any more so I could afford a family home and I'm skint. I live in a tiny village and it would cost me £40 in taxis alone to get to the nearest cocktail bar. Even if I could afford the baby siting it needs planning, it's not spontaneous is it?

Babysitting: see above. Plus youngest DC has silent reflux and doesn't sleep well - I don't want to leave her with babysitters yet (I will one day). My parents are too busy and the inlaws live 200 miles away.

My friends either still live in London or also have small children so can't come out on a whim.

Also, I'm exhausted. Due to said DC's reflux and other DC's susceptibility to bad coughs resulting in hospital admissions and the never ending cycle of germs we've had for the last six months, I can't be arsed to go out. When the children are asleep my main goal is to eat dinner and go to bed as early as I can.

I have two children who I love more than anything and I don't regret having at all.

But I hope they don't want children. I hope they never crave children and that they will feel happy and complete without them.

I hope they have a different life to mine. One where they live for themselves.

I see the Bingo/top trumps continues....

I do feel like childfree people can't win. When you're childfree, parents tell you that they pity you/feel sorry for you and question that your life has no meaning. When you disagree with them and explain how happy you are with your life and why you enjoy being childfree, the parents get annoyed and claim you're belittling motherhood and looking down on them

*BuzzShitbagBobbly
*
I think that thread is another thing that's very subjective. I've come across parents who can barely leave the home with their babies without a huge drama and a joint effort from both parents. Ones who turn down every invitation because it doesn't fit with nap time, then I've a friend who packed up her 5 week old baby and her horse and drove to horse shows hundreds of miles away, staying over night in the lorry without even a second thought. Not everyone finds it hard. It doesn't mean they are lying if they say they don't

My friends are child free, but have a dog that they refuse to kennel. So despite having no children, they don't fly, have to work their work hours around the dog, and haven't had a weekend away dog-free for three years. I currently have more freedom from my toddler! I don't understand their choice 😂 but they love the dog, and it makes them happy, so 🤷‍♀️

This was us for the last few years of our dog’s life. Believe it or not we actually enjoyed taking her to dog friendly hotels for weekends and holiday cottages in the UK and she enjoyed it too.

It’s your right to remain childfree but if all made the same choice what would happen.
vhemt.org is an interesting web site by a bloke who has thought a lot about this.

I like sleep and I am lazy (I find it tiring enough just going to work every day and looking after myself, nevermind anything else)
I like my life to be as calm and simple as possible
Children are sticky
I don't find them cute or interesting
I don't want to be needed, the thought is terrifying
I don't want to pass my genes on
The world is ending soon from what I can see

@SerenDippitty I do believe it - just as I believe they do. The point is, whilst it would never be my choice - and I struggle to understand it - it is A choice, and it's their choice.

They're happy for us, we're happy for them - we've made different choices, and it's fine. And that's surely the whole point of having children or not. They're both a choice, and they're both fine.

It’s your right to remain childfree but if all made the same choice what would happen.
The world would have a chance to recover from the damage we've done to it.
People have children for selfish reasons, not to benefit humanity.

It's great to see so many truthful answers but I'm wondering why there are so many people with no children who are on mumsnet? I'm maybe being really ignorant but isn't this a parents forum? Genuine question, hope I'm not offending anyone, just wondered why?

@Flamingnorahs your question has been answered a few times.

Doh! Sorry, so it has, just had a speed read! My apologies! X

At the moment I don't think I could raise a child the way I would want to. I'm very much like my own mother, a bit of a controll freak, narcissistic and generally un maternal. I would love to have kids, but I don't want to bring a child into the world only to repeat my past, so until I'm sure that I can actually bring a child up feeling safe, loved and worthy I won't be having any.

Because I’ve never wanted them.
Because I feel no urge to have anything dependant on me (pet free too)
Because having worked with babies and children found I actually hated the noise and mess. And having to try and put things into terms children would understand.
But most importantly
No desire at all for them. At all.

It’s your right to remain childfree but if all made the same choice what would happen.

But equally what would happen if all made the same choice to procreate?

I've really enjoyed reading this thread and I am genuinely happy for the mothers who haven't seen a massive difference in their lives after having kids, I just know I wouldn't be one of them. I was talking to my friend (new mother) about this thread and we compared our evenings.

I went to the gym after work, walked home with DH afterwards, ordered healthy take-out for supper as we couldn't be bothered cooking, then watched about 3 hours of Love Island before going to bed for a blissful 8 hour sleep only slightly interrupted by DCat.

My friend had to deal with a poorly baby all day yesterday, then cook dinner for herself and her DH, feed and bath the baby, change baby and baby's cot after a projectile vomiting incident, then had a very interrupted night's sleep.

Neither of us would dream of changing our lives and I think that is an important point. Having children is not a better choice than remaining childfree and vice versa. Both choices are totally fine, we just need to work on accepting that.

The argument about if everyone decided not to have children really makes me laugh.

Firstly there is no way everyone is ever going to decide not to have children. I know people who lived in accommodation totally unsuitable for a child, had no money etc and yet they still had children. People who really should not have children still have them. What about all the "accidental" pregnancies? More than enough of those.

Secondly, would it really be so awful if humans died out? We have fucked up this planet, possibly beyond repair. We have destroyed the habitat of so many plants and animals. We have polluted the seas. We have been responsible for the extinction of so many animals and there will, sadly, be many more to come. I could carry on but it is honestly far too depressing.

The planet would be so much better off without us on it. I am fairly certain we will be wiped out one day but for now a few less of us would not be such a bad idea

Very well said mydogisthebest. I agree with your post wholeheartedly and I don't think that it would be awful if humans died out in the slightest.

*"Isn't this a parents forum?"
*
lol - new to MN are you?

And don't say the clue's in the name, this forum has evolved and it's not just mums that post here. Who'd a thunk it, eh?!

@mydogisthebest also agree 100% with what you say