To ask why you didn't/don't want children?

[alfie22]

I'm in no way judging anybody who have decided not to have DCs.

But I am genuinely intrigued for the reasons why after reading a thread about somebody's DD not wanting children.

What are your reasons for not having children? Would there any be "what ifs" further down the line?

I don’t get the ‘I never wanted kids then I met DP/DH comments’! I’ve genuinely had people say to me ‘oh you’ll change your mind when you meet the right man’ (even though I’m already married and we’ve been together 11 years). Once my mind was set that was it.

And as for those who didn’t want children but had one for their partner. I have no words for that!

I'm a parent and I've loved creating a family. That's it really!

We're the only ones in our family who've had children (our siblings haven't). We all manage to do fun things, though, it really isn't constant drudgery, and I certainly don't envy our child-free relatives.

Different people, different choices.

@AmICrazyorWhat2 - you’re posting that on the wrong thread, you want this one www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3609282-aibu-to-ask-why-you-chose-to-have-kids

I used to play "mum" with dolls as a child but never felt i wanted a real one.
I have had Mh issues since i was 5 and honestly i have never been independent to care for myself without a carer, so i wouldn't be able to care for a child.
On top of that, i don't want to have to put someone else first 24/7, i want the option to be selfish, given i've lost out on so much in my life due to illness, plus im just not willing to damage and sacrifice my own body with things like incontinence.

I also cannot stand children, i don;t find them cute, just annoying, too loud, i have no patience for them. In public i can't eait to get away from them.

@AriaFitz

No, I felt like responding to the suggestions by some PP's that parenting is such drudgery and you don't have much of a life after having kids, Plus you're constantly anxious about them?

I think such perceptions influenced our siblings not to have children, but now that our children are slightly older, we do most of the same activities (travelling, hobbies, etc.) that our child-free siblings do, more than some of them. I worry a bit about my DC, but overall, I'm far less anxious than when I was child-free!

It’s subjective. Drudgery is a word I would use for bringing up kids, because it’s time spent doing something I personally don’t want to do. It’s not drudgery for someone who wants to do it. We all have different careers, different hobbies, different tastes. We shouldn’t all have to want kids or want to be married etc just because that’s how it’s always been. Not wanting children isn’t a new thing I’m sure what is new is the option - our grandparents had no contraception and consequently not much choice it just happened and they got on with it. We can now choose to have or not have them and that is a wonderful thing no matter what you choose.

This thread has been taken over by people taking about how amazing their children are. That wasn't the question and the question wasn't for you.

If you ask someone why they want/had children their answer will always be self serving.

But you could say exactly the same for the other option 🤷‍♀️

Drudgery meaning Hard menial or dull work.

That will be personal to everyone. Some people love cleaning, for orthers it drudgery. Same with having children.

It's amazing that I have never seen an influx of childfree people overtaking a thread on 'why did you have a child' yet any thread about why you didn't have one usually involves lot of parents mothers telling us once again that we have got it all wrong. I am so glad your life is fulfilled with your children but I will never want your life because to me it would be bloody awful.

@OccasionalNachos It would have been better to regret not having children, rather than getting pregnant and hoping you don't regret it

Indeed it would. The downside of an unplanned pregnancy. Luckily I am in very early pregnancy & am looking at all options available to me, as it was a huge surprise that I am not sure I want to go through with, having no maternal instinct & never really considering children to be a part of a life I wanted!

@KindnessCrusader Don't really think this one comment made at the beginning of the thread compares to the hundreds of comments by parents gushing about their children. But alright.

@OccasionalNachos Good luck to you, whatever choice you made!

Make*

I find children deeply dull. Never had the urge. All my friends with young children seem miserable (can only hope their lives will improve as the kids get older!).

I also love my job, career, travel, wealth, ability to do extra curricular stuff like charity work and financial independence.

@AmICrazyorWhat2 - funny how child free people don’t have the urge to jump on the ‘why did you choose to have children’ thread and tell the parents why they’re wrong/they only THINK they want children/it’s all awful/how they’ll change their minds 🤔

Funny how all the parents on that other thread are quite happy to say things like "no idea how fucking hard it would be", "find it all very weird and not totally enjoyable", "bloody difficult and relentless", "Even if I do it and regret it (hopefully I won't but you never know)," and on and on, alongside the stuff they like about it.

Some posters on this thread read as though parenthood is practically perfect in every way and to even infer otherwise is completely impossible.

It's a shame as the few sensible posts by parents on here saying I love it, it was the best thing I did but it was hard and wasn't all great so totally understand why not etc etc are deafened by the posts of those that will not have anything negative said about having children.

My own conclusion is that if you have defined your life as only meaningful or better by having children then anyone choosing a different path is a threat to their own values hence the extreme viewpoint that we clearly don't understand our own minds and need to quash those opinions.

This thread has been taken over by people taking about how amazing their children are. That wasn't the question and the question wasn't for you.

I'm sorry. I thought really hard about answering because I did have kids, but my response was because I really, really didn't want children since my early teens and almost nothing made me angrier than being told by people I would change my mind. When I did change my mind I felt like the biggest hypocrite and I'm sure some people felt I'd been bulshitting all my life even though I hadn't. And while I'm happy in my choice, I'm someone who sits in the camp of "it's draining, all consuming and a lifetime commitment - WTF would you try and convince anyone less than 100% sure they want this into doing it"? My life IS full of more drudgery maybe because my children are still so young, I have no idea why so many posters are desperate to pretend this doesn't happen with small kids because I would say my experience is typical of nearly everyone I know. And my DH easily does his share. If you manage to avoid that you are the exception not the norm. But I absolutely do not have the the free and simpler life I had before children. No quaffing champagne cocktails after work just cos I fancy it, and it's a military operation getting baby sitting. I've been out in the evening three times in the last 7 months. Admittedly, I'm still a bit surprised by just how much I actually LIKE (not just love) my children, and even look forward to spending time with them (thank God eh) but I'm not interested in this thread to persuade people to take on the life long commitment of parenthood.

Not to mention this thread with the reams of things parents are saying they can't do/found difficult/were a PITA with children, again at odds with all the pp pretending life is exactly the same and twice as easy when you have children? Why lie about it when the truth is so obvious?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3609014-Things-that-get-better-or-easier-as-children-get-older

I think it's much better to be honest and not have dcs if you don't want them. My Mum didn't want me. I knew it from my earliest memories. I have had to have a lot of therapy to deal with it. My parents shouldn't have had a child.

@onthisoccasion - the funny thing is I genuinely believe you didn’t want kids, changed your mind and are now happy and love and like your child. The posters saying it’s easy/no drudgery/you can still go mountain climbing/you have more money and your house will be cleaner etc strike me as ‘protesting too much’

Ps I don’t think you’re a hypocrite, you just changed your mind which people do all the time about lots of things! The annoying thing is when people SAY you’ll change your mind to people who don’t want kids! I might start saying it to pregnant women

I have enough friends with kids to know that I would find having to look after them to be drudgery. Endless repetitions of kids' TV shows, standing around in play parks or the hell that is soft play, school runs, being tied to a routine and a place (school considerations etc.), having to plan and prepare 3 meals a day for god knows how many years (yes DP and I do eat but if one or both of us decides that we cba we can skip it/have ice cream for dinner/go out to a restaurant at 8pm/let the other fend for themselves, which you can't exactly do with a child). DP and I spoke to a friend of his today who was saying that getting their 7 year old into bed is a nightly battle and he's utterly fed up with it, and I have a good friend whose 3 year old hasn't slept through the night in his life. I just couldn't deal with any of that, I don't want to. Nor do I want to risk having to be a carer for a child into adulthood.

We have a very active, outdoorsy lifestyle - we're in Canada and are into pretty hardcore mountain hiking, rock climbing, backcountry camping and ski touring in winter. We do a lot of spontaneous trips and I love having the freedom, time and money to do what I want, go where I please and buy what I want. I'm not good at being tied down, I've moved a lot - including to Canada in a very short time-frame - and I've been a traveller all my adult life - I regularly do 2-3 month backpacking trips hiking and climbing everywhere from Patagonia to Africa. Pregnancy, babies and small children just don't fit with the freedom, adventure and lifestyle that I love. I don't hate kids and get why people might want them, but it's just not for me.

@onthisoccasion There is room for women who didn't want them and changed their mind, there is even room for the people @WhoAteMyNuts mentioned. It's just those who are doing constant counter points to our reasons that are getting on my nerves. And those who are taking massive offence to the word 'drudgery'.

And when I wrote my reply, it amused me that I was sat in my playroom which stank where I'd just changed DD's pooey nappy, CBeebies on loop in the background and DS had just tipped approximately 800 pieces of Lego across the floor and I was wearing baggy leggings with bits of dinner crusted to them. I thought to myself, yep, this is what you're all missing out on

I get why people don't want children. And having met so many children (through work) who were unwanted, I'm pleased that society is moving to a place where women are free to choose.

I have one toddler - he's ace, but I don't want anymore. Because along with him being ace, there IS a load of stuff that I'm not planning on doing ever again (looking at you sleepless nights and labour.)

My friends are child free, but have a dog that they refuse to kennel. So despite having no children, they don't fly, have to work their work hours around the dog, and haven't had a weekend away dog-free for three years. I currently have more freedom from my toddler! I don't understand their choice 😂 but they love the dog, and it makes them happy, so 🤷‍♀️