To ask why you didn't/don't want children?

[alfie22]

I'm in no way judging anybody who have decided not to have DCs.

But I am genuinely intrigued for the reasons why after reading a thread about somebody's DD not wanting children.

What are your reasons for not having children? Would there any be "what ifs" further down the line?

or else you had an incredibly dull/routine life to begin with?!

Hahaha I lived in ayia napa before I had my DC, owned a bar had other fun jobs along side and a fantastic social life, lived there til DC were of school starting age. There was certainly nothing dull or routine about my life 😆. Now yes we have weekday routines to a point but my work dictates this as much as the DC, they are far from malnourished. They have the widest diet of all the children I know and there are no ss concerns and no reason to be. Having a varied and fun life doesn't not need to mean being a drunken mess all the time

@Lockheart your response describes 99% of what I think and feel.

There's no "returns window" or trial run- and I kinda think you have to be all in if you're going to parent.. to be fair to the child that didn't choose to be born?

I don't know, I just know that I had a tough enough time being a kid and am anxious as hell now that it would only worsen things. I couldn't do that to another human that was my responsibility!! It would feel cruel

I never ever wanted children because I was a bit of a commitment -phobe. I saw having children as something which would tie me to a man which meant a life of drudgery and misery. (This is the model from my own parents). Then I met DP and within a year of being together found out I was pregnant. I decided to keep the baby as, even though I felt dreadful throughout the pregnancy, it seemed like it was fate to be pregnant.

I love my DD far more than I thought it was possible to love another human being however my life was much easier, and even happier, before I had a child. I don’t regret having DD but if I hadn’t got pregnant my life would still have been happy and fulfilled.

These threads always descend into the same kind of debate with some childfree folk seeing aspects of parenthood as drudgery and parents seeing aspects of childfree life as selfish or frivolous. The truth is that both can be true at times but also completely irrelevant if the person in question is happy with their life choices.

I'm childfree. I have never wanted children and feel I was born without the maternal instinct that my friends and DSis seem to possess. not having a maternal instinct doesn't mean not liking of caring aout kids though - I worked with teenagers/yiung adults for a very long time and have a deep bond with my niece and several friends' kids/godchildren. I definitely subscribe to the "it takes a village" mentality and am happy and proud to be part of that village. I've just never seen motherhood as something I want for myself.

My reasons are numerous and I won't list them all here but they include a fear/repulsion of pregnancy and birth (when it comes to my own body - I'm not repulsed by pregnant friends), a desire to travel, a desire to live life on my own terms and a concern about passing on serious life-limiting disabilities within my family. There are more reasons but these are the main things that come to mind and they are all of equal importance with not one outweighing the others.

I do see many upsides and benefits to parenthood as well as things that put me off. I'll admit that occasionally I see a facebook post documenting a really perfect family day and will have a pang of something hard to describe; it's not quite regret but it does make me wonder "what if...?" I had a really great chat about this with a close friend a while ago and she said that the feelings I describe are similar to how she sometimes feel when she sees pictures from my travels - she's definitely not jealous but it does make her wonder about the road not taken. I think it's good to be honest and realistic about these feelings.

I've known since childhood that I didn't want to be a mother. At 40, I'm expecting people to finally stop asking me about it and telling me I'll change my mind. I did waver for a while a few years ago. It's hard to describe - I knew I was living the life that was right for me and I didn't want children but I wanted to want them. I wanted to feel like a normal woman and be part of that phase of life. Around that time though, I had a cancer scare (all turned out ok) and went into a tailspin of anxiety and depression thinking I was going to die. I was devastated thinking about the things I would miss out on doing, living to old age with the man I love, the places I'd never see and the fact that I wouldn't see my DNieces and nephews and godchildren grow up. It wasn't until long afterwards that I realised I hadn't for a second thought to regret or mourn any potential children of my own. That pretty much told me and DH all we needed to know about our decision.

Going into parenthood with an expectation that they’ll become increasingly independent seems foolish at best
That’s the experience of the vast majority of parents, so I don’t think it’s foolish to expect things to pan out the way they do for most people. However the chance that it might not work out that way is one of the reasons I didn’t want kids.

Oh and I'm on MN because I found some amazing advice when googling a heath condition, then found a tripadvisor thread and got sucked in to a world of brilliant, funny and wise women (and men). Before I found this site, I dabbled with some childfree forums but found them petty one-tracked and often miserable places to be. In contrast I feel that my childfee status does not define me on MN, I can join in discussions on health, employment, politics, books, TV and just run of the mill every stuff, 90% of which is not tied to parenthood status - just like most conversations with my friends in everyday life except here I have the benefit of anonymity. I don't think there's anywhere else like it online.

They bore me.

I had one by accident. He's alright. I hate everyone else's still.

Ok, ok Booboo66 we get it. Come back when your kids are grown and tell us all how that all worked out for you - and more importantly for them. Good luck!

I never fancied it, whichever way I looked at it the negatives far far outweighed the possible positives... My life has been so blooming easy, happy and fun filled that I never, ever think I have missed out - on the contrary I feel like I have dodged a bullet!

My life is full of love, I have a great marriage, we can afford fun hobbies - money wise and time wise,. Nobody schedules us, we do what we like when we like and don’t even need to work full time to finance our great life as not having kids saves a shitload of money! I’m delighted for those parents who love parenting and do it well but I do think the world would be a better place if society did not have the big expectation that the vast majority of women should become Mums. You should really really want it rather than just do it as it’s the accepted norm.

Some parents on this thread seem to think they’re reading justifications or arguments on this thread, rather than reasons/explanations; hence their desperation to treat them like straw men to tear down.

‘I don’t have children because I’d find it boring; I couldn’t handle the drudgery’
‘Oh, it doesn’t have to be a drudge - we have lovey trips to Legoland and the park!’

‘I don’t have children because I struggle to look after myself; I couldn’t look after someone else too’
‘Oh, you’d be surprised how easily you pick it up; you’d have to clean the house and cook the tea anyway’

‘I don’t have children because I like the freedom to have long holidays in remote places and don’t want to be hampered by small children and sticking to school holidays’
‘I’ve taken my children trekking in the Andes and it was fine; it just takes planning’

‘I’m a devil worshipper who eats babies at BDSM orgies. I don’t want to raise children’
‘Oh, you’d be surprised - my best friend’s cousin’s hairdresser used to sacrifice children at orgies on a daily basis, but then one day it just clicked. She’s got six kids now and they all happily sit watching Peppa Pig all day’

All of which seems to implicitly say, ‘So you’ve got no excuse’. But no one is here to make excuses or put forward the case for the defence. No one has to justify themselves. So why do so many on this thread act like they have to be convinced?

The way I sometimes phrase my childless-by-choice state is: ‘The hardware was fine but someone forgot to install the device drivers’ - in other words, so far as I know the reproductive kit was all in working order but whatever mental ‘switch’ you need in order to provoke the desire to use it, that never worked. I just had a blank space where the urge for a child should be. I think it was the right choice for me given how I was as a young woman. I’m 52 now and finding meno’ quite poignant. I don’t regret the choice I made but it’s poignant considering the road not taken and how that would have changed my life.

Ok, ok Booboo66 we get it. Come back when your kids are grown and tell us all how that all worked out for you - and more importantly for them. Good luck!

What are you trying to suggest by this? Are you saying because I've managed to maintain a fun, spontaneous life both before and after children that they will somehow be damaged by this? So far they're turning out ok thanks.

If my levels of domesticity and spontaneity remained the same as when I was childfree I would have: feral children who fall asleep in school and suffer malnutrition, an utter shit tip of house and ss involvement for caring for minors whilst intoxicated.

When I was child free I still ate properly and tidied my house. I wasn't a drunken mess then and certainly don't have the desire to be now.most adults can have fun, not have a dull routine and still manage to function without living in shit tips and spend their time intoxicated

I never had the urge and don’t particularly like children all that much. We had a half arsed bash at it when we decided it was now or never and ended up finding out that we couldn’t conceive anyway. It was a huge relief if I’m honest. I’m a very selfish person and I know that ultimately I would be miserable with children. I am very career focused and love my lifestyle. I also don’t see the point in bringing children into a world that is quickly going to hell in a handcart.

Hahaha

I had kids because I thought the world needed a replication of me.

Did it?

Haven't read the full thread but enough of it to make me ask of the people who have chosen to never have kids why did you join Mumsnet?

I outgrew Reddit. I got tired of interacting with user base that was largely 21 yr old uni students and only gettting younger. And I mainly frequent this nest of vipers which is AIBU, where the topics are wide ranging and not parenting-heavy.

Well mine are in their late teens.

Left school.

I definitely have this parenting hacked.

I have sent them on courses to do diy and next week Dd is tiling a bathroom for me and ds is plumbing me in a toilet.

All good practice for when they go professional.

No more scouring MyBuilderWhoMightDecideToComeRoundIfHeCanBeArsed.com and waiting in for tradesmen who don’t show up or don’t give a quote.

Win win. They love doing it and I get someone who can take over. (Riddled with arthritis so can’t do what I usually could)

Don't like them

Have no patience, I'd probably stick it in a cupboard if it started crying

Like going away on a whim

Too much effort to entertain them

Couldn't be doing with the constant questions

Would get touched out very quickly

Enjoy my sleep

Love weekends of long walks, pub lunches without dragging a skriking, whiny kid along

Lots of use of the word drudgery in this thread.
Who is to say what’s unimportant, lowly work?
Yes some of child rearing may be repetitive. But raising the next generation is hardly what I would think of As menial, unimportant or monotonous work.
Working for the next 40 years to ultimately line my bosses pocket? Well maybe this is drudgery.

I’ve never wanted children and sitting here watching ‘outnumbered’ is doing nothing to change my mind 😂

If I'd read the title of the thread properly earlier I wouldn't have posted as a parent. It's really interesting to read everyone's stories but one of things I hate about Mumsnet is the judgemental attitudes towards others lifestyle choices for example today on this thread either poor you, you have children, how can you ever have a great holiday with them! You can't cycle or climb with them🤔 that's your opinion that we would want to. Or poor you you don't have children, you don't know the life you are missing, the love, the rewards. What I do know is that I've wasted a lot of time online when I should be out in the real world. Thanks Mumsnet, It's been fun

I love kids, all of them. Even the wee fuckers, always have. They’re wonderful, hopeful, funny, interesting and brilliant.
As a gay woman I assumed I wouldnt have kids, and feel like the luckiest person in the world now that I do.

Wont repeat the same thing as PP, they pretty much sum up the same reason why I dont and wont have children.

I will say, I like my friends children, but I love the fact that I have zero responsibilities for them.

The thing is I missed the drudgery part of child rearing.

Granted Dd and ds were a handful but I would take them out each day and rub around with them to wear them out.

A season ticket to Legoland was great. We don’t live too far away, took a picnic with us and had a great time.
I think I enjoyed it more than the dc sometimes. I miss it and can’t wair for Dd or Ds to have a lo so we can all go again.

Drudgery was spending all day everyday filing or checking some one had added up £173.55 and £23.59 up correctly.
And as a particular treat on Christmas Eve to spend the day emptying the filing cabinets to check the filing was in order till 5.30pm because there was nothing left to do. Or sitting in an office in the summer listening to the same people saying the same things over and over again.

No wonder people drink.

Going to work was mind numbingly boring compared to running around a park with 2 dc and a ddog

I always thought I didn’t want kids. Then I met now-DH when I was 35, and thought it’d be a good idea to try. Had a niggling feeling in my gut that it wasn’t going to happen, and another niggling feeling in response that that’s how things were meant to be for me.

Fast forward a couple of years of fairly half-arsed TTC and it turns out it’s highly unlikely we will conceive au naturel and that IVF, or more specifically, ICSI, is our only option.

At that point, we reassessed whether we actually wanted them or if we thought we did. Bearing in mind that by now I am 38 (nearly 39), and DH is in his 40s, we’ve come to the conclusion that actually, we can’t be arsed. DH was never massively fussed, I got a bit carried away with it all, but now I look back with relief that kids didn’t work out for us.

I love our life as it is. We have loads of fun, spontaneous and planned, and a chilled out flat with one cat mooching about in it. My plan is to retire early and either travel or live abroad. I want to be doing that by 50ish, which would not be an option with a kid in tow. I don’t want to be having to work for the next 20-odd years, or to have someone financially dependent on me for most of that time.

Environmental factor is a big thing. I work in a field related to climate change and a lot of the scientists (I am not one) I know in that field are not having kids, due to their knowledge of what the planet is likely to be like to live in in say 50 years’ time. I wouldn’t want to bring someone into a world with such a likely future of being not a nice place to live. I also wouldn’t want that on my carbon-footprint conscience. I think I’m pretty cool as a person, but not so great that the world needs a reproduction of me.

I lost my mum about a year ago, a few months after she was diagnosed with a horrible illness. I would not want to put any kid of mine through what I went through when she was in her final weeks. It haunts me every day even now.

I wasn’t even that great a daughter a lot of the time. I relied too much on text and email and didn’t visit as much as I should. I don’t even know why as we had a great relationship most of the time. I must have disappointed her in that respect and I wouldn’t want to be similarly disappointed but I also know that any kid of mine would likely have the same travel bug that I do and so there would be no guarantee I would see much.

Finally, I totally get the posters who have said that a child needing lifetime care is not in their plan. I feel exactly the same and, for me, it’s not a risk I am willing to take.

In short: my life is pretty cool as is and I am going for the “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach.

Fuck that’s so long, sorry 😳