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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why you didn't/don't want children?

959 replies

alfie22 · 09/06/2019 23:42

I'm in no way judging anybody who have decided not to have DCs.

But I am genuinely intrigued for the reasons why after reading a thread about somebody's DD not wanting children.

What are your reasons for not having children? Would there any be "what ifs" further down the line?

OP posts:
Leighhalfpennysthigh · 10/06/2019 18:11

@SerenDippitty thank you Thanks. It's been a long journey.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 10/06/2019 18:14

Probably frowned upon by those unhappily at home cooking a home cooked meal alone while their husband works late and putting their kids to bed at 7

What leads you to think that they'd be any more unhappy than you are? I'm happy, you seem happy, I could reasonably assume the above parents to be happy too.

Perhaps we're all happy; it just takes different things to make that so.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 10/06/2019 18:19

As for the staying up late DC will happily stay up late. They have more energy than I. They'll just sleep in a bit the next morning

And that's fine. However ....should I spot a gorgeous guy who just happens to be free for the night, I can't take advantage of the situation if I have children to look after.

And that's the sort of spontaneity that my life simply needs. No, doesn't happen often. But .... it does happen Blush

BertrandRussell · 10/06/2019 18:21

One of the very few good things about Gina Ford is that her depiction of life with children must have done wonders to keep the population down!

MarshaBradyo · 10/06/2019 18:23

I quite like being left in relative quiet in the evening while the radio is on or sit in my garden in the sunshine at 7pm. I don’t think I’d prefer to be on the park with wine so no unhappiness about it here. Anyway if I did want to I’d just do it not be unhappy.

Children or not there are a few who like to imagine everyone who doesn’t do what they do as miserable. It’s really not the case.

onthisoccasion · 10/06/2019 18:25

Probably frowned upon by those unhappily at home cooking a home cooked meal alone while their husband works late and putting their kids to bed at 7

Not even slightly bothered when other people's children go to bed, but I'm very happy when my kids go to bed at 7 GrinI get blissful quiet hours when I can do things like watch Killing Eve and Line of Duty without worrying I've traumatised their little minds or have them interrupting important plot lines. Of course, if I'd stuck to my guns and not had children, I could've watched Killing Eve at midday (assuming I wasn't at work).

malificent7 · 10/06/2019 18:26

You see my strong biological urhe was definately to have a baby...i just needed sex to get one!
I do get why people don't want them though....so much more freedom. It is hard coming last continuously.

Okwhereisit · 10/06/2019 18:27

@blueSkiesLies
Your life sounds AMAZING! Wish I could do all that on my annual leave. Especially the cycling!!!

MarshaBradyo · 10/06/2019 18:29

I know a family who still do cycling holidays - even when they had little children

Might not what pp wants but you can if you do have dc and want to

Okwhereisit · 10/06/2019 18:52

@leighhalfpennysthigh No it doesn't matter how people come across the site - I was genuinely curious how others got here, not making any judgements about parents/ non parents/ male or female, but everyone seems so defensive, (suppose that's AIBU) I did not imply Mumsnet is just for parents. A few people have since said how they found the site which was all I was interested in, as I previously said I judged it before having kids to have nothing of interest for me and totally dismissed it so have missed many years of good (and bad topics)

BlueSkiesLies · 10/06/2019 18:59

I know a family who still do cycling holidays - even when they had little children

Yes. Families do go cycling together. But it’s a right faff! Expect it’s wonderful to be able to share that experience if you have easy going children.

Once they are old enough to know their mind and speak up, I might find that my little one hates cycling and would much rather be swimming/playing/reading/something else. :-)

Probably if I was very very very rich I would have children.

Then I would have time and money to do amazing things with them, and childcare and other help to do things for me, without them.

Booboo66 · 10/06/2019 18:59

Nice legs I guess I could arrange hotel babysitting should the need arise to have some spontaneous sex with a stranger 😆. On this particular holiday i will actually be going out and DC will stay with my friends DC and their babysitter (or their df if he's not working) so I guess the opportunity is there,
Not sure I want it though but you never know lol. Those that have responded saying you like your time in the evenings. You sound quite content with your lives and routines, which is great. It's those that are complaining about the endless drudgery I'm aiming my comments at - it doesn't have to be that way if it makes you unhappy.

Booboo66 · 10/06/2019 19:02

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace because so many have stated they are unhappy or used it as their main reason for not having kids. It's the repeated use of the word drudgery that has inspired my comments which are not aimed at all at people like you who are content with their lives.

Booboo66 · 10/06/2019 19:04

.. and I don't have a dp to clean up after.. dc clean up after themselves because I refuse 😆

Okwhereisit · 10/06/2019 19:12

@booboo66
Sounds like you'll have a great holiday.

Original poster
alfie22 · 10/06/2019 19:32

Well this thread blew up! I'll have to sit and read through all the comments Shock

OP posts:
GatsbyWasntGreat · 10/06/2019 19:51

I've always been a bit meh about having/wanting kids but then felt a strong urge when I hit 30. But I was still 50/50. DH and I tried for 2 years, and after tests found out we couldn't have kids.

I felt relieved that the 'shall we or shan't we' was finally done. I felt sad but I think I was sad about the idea of having kids, not the reality.

Now, I'm so glad. My life is my own and I wouldn't have been the best parent. I'd have done by best but I'm not very emotionally resillient.

I'm more chilled than my friends with kids because they're always worried about them, in one way or another.

I'm happier without that constant stress. My life is relaxed, full of people and fun, and I cringe when I hear kids being loud and obnoxious...

Patreon · 10/06/2019 20:02

I do find it amusing the posters with children who are so desperate to prove that children needn’t change your lifestyle at all Grinwho are you kidding ladies?! Serious denial going on there...

If my levels of domesticity and spontaneity remained the same as when I was childfree I would have: feral children who fall asleep in school and suffer malnutrition, an utter shit tip of house and ss involvement for caring for minors whilst intoxicated.

I don’t care how easy-breezy your parenting style is, to try to insist that life with children doesn’t massively increase the drudge is a blatant lie or else you had an incredibly dull/routine life to begin with?!

SinkGirl · 10/06/2019 20:05

I can tell you 100% that raising a disabled child would not fit into my life plan. From the start I expected to have a child who’d become increasingly independent so I could slowly have my life back and would leave home at 18 so I’d be free. I wouldn’t be happy with any kind of permanent caring arrangement.

Sometimes I read things and wonder how anyone could ever say such a thing with a straight face. This is one of those times.

If you wouldn’t be happy with any kind of permanent caring situation, you shouldn’t have children, you shouldn’t enter into a relationship and probably best to cut ties with any family members too.

Maybe some people really do sail through life without having to deal with any life-changing illness, injury or disability, it’s just so far from my reality, I can’t even fathom a statement like that.

Going into parenthood with an expectation that they’ll become increasingly independent seems foolish at best.

thecatneuterer · 10/06/2019 20:12

or else you had an incredibly dull/routine life to begin with?!

Haha. I suspect you may have hit the nail on the head there.

tearinmybeer · 10/06/2019 20:13

@Hefzi

Exactly the same here, right down to the maternal line. It was good to read that I'm not alone. I am sorry it's been a struggle for you.

Only speaking for me, but I reaching the very end of my ability to procreate, and I'm nervous/sad about it, but recent events have heavily reinforced my decision- even though I think I might have liked to have had children.

ScreamingValenta · 10/06/2019 20:15

I judged it before having kids to have nothing of interest for me

I have to admit that, until I stumbled on MN, I assumed it would only include information about parenting.

ChewbaccaHutchinsCool · 10/06/2019 20:18

Going into parenthood with an expectation that they’ll become increasingly independent seems foolish at best.

Hence, why some people, quite wisely for them, forgo it. Being the mother of a child with autism, I can hand on heart say it is very different to having any other sort of relative with a condition, very different, and 100% respect those who decided against parenthood against this reason or for any other reason and don't see it as a slight on me and mine at all.

It's a gamble, and my family lost catastrophically, but I can totally see why others therefore opt not to play by having kids.

No idea why they're being painted as horrible people who shouldn't have any sort of relationships at all Hmm. I've got many friends who are very happily childfree by choice, some of whom did indeed have familial propensities towards certain conditions and this was why they chose not to procreate and yet they are kind, decent, compassionate and wonderful people with fulfilling lives.

Would hate to take all so personally and be so chippy that some may not want to parent a child like mine - at this point in time, I sure as hell don't.

Parttimewasteoftime · 10/06/2019 20:22

I kind of fell into it I bloody lucky to have married a man who is a amazing parent. He sleeps on the floor when they sick does bathtime bedtime I mean love they cute but yawn 😦 Now they older I am grateful I did it but would never do it again.

Dora26 · 10/06/2019 20:44

I would like children in my next lifetime - when I am not a sufferer and carrier of a vicious and hard to manage genetic condition. I have been lucky - wonderful parents that were well enough off to find the very best medical treatment for me. My parents - particularly my mother - are an inspiration. I could not watch my child start to develop symptoms that would send them down my path. Enough. The gene stops with me. I am not sad - a bit wistful at times but not sad. I love the company of children and am a proud involved aunt and godparent.

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