Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why you didn't/don't want children?

959 replies

alfie22 · 09/06/2019 23:42

I'm in no way judging anybody who have decided not to have DCs.

But I am genuinely intrigued for the reasons why after reading a thread about somebody's DD not wanting children.

What are your reasons for not having children? Would there any be "what ifs" further down the line?

OP posts:
EarClipper · 10/06/2019 17:17

Get sucked into a wedding feud thread and they've got you for life Wink

Okwhereisit · 10/06/2019 17:23

I don't give a toss whether you have kids or not, yes it's an open forum where anyone can give an opinion and that's great but I'm curious about how the users who don't want/like kids would want to join the site initially. Before I had my kids I was aware of the site but the very title of it 'Mumsnet by parents for parents' was enough to keep me from searching any further. Only when I had a baby did I refer to it for a baby related matter then discovered how diverse a site it was and not all disposable nappies vs. cloth ones.

EarClipper · 10/06/2019 17:26

Why do you keep repeating yourself? Confused

ScreamingValenta · 10/06/2019 17:26

Okwhereisit Earclipper explained this four posts below yours.

MarshaBradyo · 10/06/2019 17:26

I find it hard to equate what I felt about having children with social pressure - haven’t read article

Okwhereisit · 10/06/2019 17:28

Something wrong with phone it's not keeping up with your replies so sorry cross posting

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 10/06/2019 17:29

Having children doesn't automatically mean you lose your 'figure' or 'stay fat'

No, but it might. And maybe some of us didn't want to run the risk of that happening Blush

Okwhereisit · 10/06/2019 17:30

Shuffles off to reddit🤭

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 10/06/2019 17:31

Haven't read the full thread but enough of it to make me ask of the people who have chosen to never have kids why did you join Mumsnet?

So that I can chat and debate with a (largely) female community on a whole host of issues, most of which have nothing to do with parenting Smile

BlueSkiesLies · 10/06/2019 17:34

Why do you keep repeating yourself?

Maybe she has ‘baby brain’?

Which we can add to the list of things not to like about parenthood.

Hefzi · 10/06/2019 17:38

I have severe MH problems, and though I'd decided in childhood not to have children (mother-daughter issues for at least four generations that I wanted to be the one to stop for good) this factor confirmed my decision. I wouldn't wish my life on anyone, and in addition to the aforementioned issues in the maternal line, we also have severe MH issues on both sides in numerous generations, which meant I couldn't discount there being some kind of genetic pre-disposition.

It's a bit sad, but a lot of people have sad lives.

BlueSkiesLies · 10/06/2019 17:41

@Booboo66 whilst your life sounds lovely, and I’m very glad your DD positively thrives on a spontaneous lifestyle - this isn’t exactly something you can plan for! It’s luck! It’s a roll of the dice!

I’ve see a lot of people have a fall from grace over this king of ‘its A choice, we’re just such chilled out and spontaneous parents’ with the arrival of #2 or #3 who turns out to be a routine driven screamer who hates crowds and new things.

Booboo66 · 10/06/2019 17:45

Meh, my DC and I are going on a 2 week foreign holiday next week. School are fine with it. It's really not such a huge bind to sometimes have to take holidays around other commitments though. That's rarely limited just to people with children. We aren't flying business of course, it isn't available on that route anyway. Child friendly food and drink? Everywhere serves water. What's child friendly food? Food is food, it doesn't come with age restrictions like alcohol! This is the sort of things that I mean when people think up restrictions that don't really exist. Honestly I'm not challenging your decision at all I'm sure it runs deeper than holidays but some of the reasonings given on this post really are a choice (a social norm you don't have to conform to, my DC are certainly happier and healthier than many that do).

Peachsummer · 10/06/2019 17:54

Meh, my DC and I are going on a 2 week foreign holiday next week
But how can you relax and get drunk and stay up late partying when you’re in charge of kids? Imo a holiday with kids isn’t really a holiday because you have to supervise them all the time.

fairweathercyclist · 10/06/2019 17:58

Because I am not selfish

I saw this on the "unpopular opinions" thread which I think may have been deleted. I think it's amazing that people think you are selfish if you don't want kids (or only one, on other thread). Pregnancy used to kill women in this country on a regular basis, and sadly occasionally does. You can go through years of miscarriages. You can have a child with special needs. Childbirth can cause life changing injuries to you, that can't always be fixed. If not wanting to put yourself through that at all, or only once, is selfish, then I embrace my selfishness. Having children is a responsibility and not something to be taken lightly. And it can go horribly wrong. I was more than happy to quit while I was ahead.

And then you have 18 years of looking after them...it's hardly selfish to want something else for yourself than that.

fairweathercyclist · 10/06/2019 17:58

Just realised the post may have been meant the other way - that having kids is selfish! Which is course it is.

BlueSkiesLies · 10/06/2019 17:59

Oooo you rebel @Booboo66 taking your children out of school for two weeks for a foreign holiday!

With your perfect children who will eat and drink anything.

Well done for being the best parent ever of all parents.

BlueSkiesLies · 10/06/2019 18:04

I haven’t had a single holiday this year that would have been suitable for a child.

They can’t go backcountry ski touring.

They can’t climb. Well they could, age depending, but you’d need some childcare or another climbing partner so you could climb.

They wouldn’t have been any good on my cycling holiday either.

For me, children would severely restrict what I could do with my annual leave.

SerenDippitty · 10/06/2019 18:04

@Leighhalfpennysthigh, that is wonderful news and I’m so pleased for you, you deserve to find happiness after what you went through 💐💐.

I feel the same way as you about children, I no longer wish I had them and enjoy my life as it is.

Pursefirst · 10/06/2019 18:04

Never wanted them (despite being told that I'd grow up and change my mind Hmm ). To echo other PPs, any of my friends with kids are in the baby/toddler stages and it genuinely does seem like utter drudgery and lack of sleep with no discernible benefits.

I have a brilliant career with tonnes of long-haul travel, DH has a similar type job so trying to fit a kid into that would be a nightmare. We have a beautiful home, will be mortgage-free in a few years and can do whatever we like when we like without having to factor kids into our plans.

My DB has a beautiful little girl, whom I adore, but I have zero time for DH's nieces and nephews probably because they have no manners and parents with very laissez-faire attitudes.

I had a hysterectomy due to adenomyosis a couple of months ago and am mightily relieved that I no longer have periods or the fear of an accidental pregnancy.

IMO, it is perfectly normal to not like kids, in the same way that some people don't like dogs or cats, but yet it is still seen as completely unacceptable for a woman to express that opinion.

Okwhereisit · 10/06/2019 18:06

@peachsummer but how can you relax and get drunk and stay up late partying.
l don't think she'll be going on a Magaluf type hol with 2 kids in tow.

Booboo66 · 10/06/2019 18:09

I don't get drunk anyway, it would ruin the next day of my holiday with the stinking hangover lol. I'm more than capable of having some wine or cocktails and taking care of my children though. They don't need to be stood over at all times, they aren't going to do anything daft. They wouldn't leave a premises for example. DD did try to be that routine driven screamer with a hatred of noise and crowds but we just kept going and she adjusted in time. I did state that had they had disabilities or been severely autistic my life could have been very different but it's not just parents of disabled and non NT children who seem to feel this way. Life in other countries is typically far more 'child friendly' in general so it's far easier to relax and where I live in UK kind of follows that model. We frequently on our parents group chat organise tea at the park where everyone will grab something from their fridge and turn up with a blanket and a bottle of wine/beer kids go and play and we sit and chat. Probably frowned upon by those unhappily at home cooking a home cooked meal alone while their husband works late and putting their kids to bed at 7 but it works for all of us, even those with children who have difficulties in various areas.

Booboo66 · 10/06/2019 18:10

As for the staying up late DC will happily stay up late. They have more energy than I. They'll just sleep in a bit the next morning

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 10/06/2019 18:10

@Okwhereisit does it really matter how people discovered this site? Does it really matter if women without children use it? Or, god forbid men.

It is the internet. People stumble across things on the internet, sometimes decide they find them interesting and hang around. It is the sheer diversity of MN that is one of its advantages.

These threads get tiresome because they always go the same way.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 10/06/2019 18:11

But as I said further up, you are doing all those mundane things anyway, so it's just having to do them a bit more

You make that sound so .... easy. But! Cleaning up after just me is a piece of piss; I just do it as I go along, no big deal. Cleaning up after me and a partner (yes he did his fair share but he also made a lot of mess) was much harder. Add a couple of children to the mix and that would finish me off.

Someone once said to me: "You'd be a great mum: it needn't change your life". Two things strike me about that: (a) how little he knew me cos I'd have made a shit job of it and (b) if it isn't gong to change my life, then it really isn't worth it.

I'd fully expect children to change my life but I actually like my life as is; hence no children Blush