To ask why you didn't/don't want children?

[alfie22]

I'm in no way judging anybody who have decided not to have DCs.

But I am genuinely intrigued for the reasons why after reading a thread about somebody's DD not wanting children.

What are your reasons for not having children? Would there any be "what ifs" further down the line?

As a man, I sort of signed up for kids when getting into a long term relationship with my partner.

As a man, you don't ..or very rarely ...feel a paternal urge on the same scale as a maternal one for obvious hormonal reasons.

After having my DC, I knew I didn't want to go through the same stuff over again..like everything you've struggled through to get them to 3, you start again from the beginning...all the ' wonder' has gone from having the first, and you have to do it all with a toddler in tow.

This has caused a huge problem as my partner dearly wanted 2, and I've denied her that. I deeply regret causing her this pain, and I regret that my DC is an only one and doesn't like it.

If I could turn back time, I probably would have been more honest at the start of my relationship and probably ended it with a shake of the hand, and found someone who didn't want kids.

I look at my DC with amazement sometimes and think that , for another decision, she would never have existed.

I won't quote the ' You've never know such love' bollocks either, as its obvious this doesn't apply to every parent.

I think I definitely would have been just as happy not be a parent as I would still be able to go on the holidays of my choice, and generally have a life that I want , rather than making the best of what someone else demands.

@Ghanagirl

it’s a strong biological urge for all animals it’s how life continues.

It's not though, is it? Animals (including people) have a strong biological urge to have sex. Once that has resulted in pregnancy and they give birth then they have a strong biological urge to nurture the offspring. But the urge isn't to have the offspring in the first place - it's to have sex.

This is why I find it so hard to understand why many humans, who have now managed to separate sex and procreation, do seem to have this desire to actually have offspring, as that is skipping a step biologically speaking if that makes sense. In theory humans should just want sex, and then want to nurture only after the babies have been born.

Because I am not selfish.

In theory humans should just want sex, and then want to nurture only after the babies have been born.

Ah, but nature has found a way to bind parents to their children by ensuring us humans are peculiarly helpless and vulnerable for a very long time after birth. Compare to a foal, or any other mammal: born, wobbles about for a few minutes, walks.

Having children doesn't automatically mean you lose your 'figure'
You have no control over what happens to your body during pregnancy. The vast majority get stretch marks, there’s nothing you can do to prevent it, it’s purely a matter of luck. And you have no control over any other type of disfigurement either - I gained half a stone on top of the weight of the actual baby and my stomach is hideously stretched into an apron. My friend gained 5st and her stomach went flat again afterwards when she lost the weight. So you are rolling a dice in terms of what you might look like afterwards.

EarClipper - yes I agree. That's what I meant by 'want to nurture after they've been born'. What it doesn't explain is why a human would feel the urge to actually have a child in the first place, when the normal biological drive is surely only to have sex and those two things can now be separated.

I didn’t want children because I had a tricky and painful childhood.
I knew I wasn’t stable enough( not terrible, just no desire to settle down, and dreaded the idea of brining children into the world where sexual abuse existed. I knew I would be madly protective and neurotic. )

But , I did lots of therapy, did incest survivors workshops, learned to deal with my mental well wing with meditation, and generally got myself back on my feet.

Finally at the age of 37 I thought “right, I can do it now” ! I met the man of my dreams shortly afterwards, and was lucky enough to have no problems conceiving twice, having my kids at 38 and 41.

They are 12 and 14 now, and I’m good at being settled down these days!
My self destructive tendencies are sorted and I feel happy and blessed most of the time.
I’m a therapy success story

Every time someone trots out this “I couldn’t possibly raise a disabled child” it perpetuates the ableist attitude that only healthy children can make parents happy
I can tell you 100% that raising a disabled child would not fit into my life plan. From the start I expected to have a child who’d become increasingly independent so I could slowly have my life back and would leave home at 18 so I’d be free. I wouldn’t be happy with any kind of permanent caring arrangement.

Haven't read the full thread but enough of it to make me ask of the people who have chosen to never have kids why did you join Mumsnet? Half of my childless friends have maybe heard of it but never use it. I only started using the site when I had kids, what drew those of you to the Mumsnet site who seem to think having kids is a terrible choice? Would you not want to join www.nokids.com and find that more interesting?

BobbyBaratheon. But as I said further up, you are doing all those mundane things anyway, so it's just having to do them a bit more. I fully respect people's decision not to have kids, I just think it's a shame that so many, both with kids and without, think that it needs to be such a mundane, joyless thing of routine and restriction. It really is a choice. My dd positively thrive on our spontaneous lifestyle that they joined when they were born and I barely changed, which might mean getting home late and grabbing a tea of cold meats, salad and crusty bread rather than cooking a hot meal. I've never served them a chicken nugget and we eat in nice restaurants if we eat out. I don't remember the last time I sat in a soft play. We keep all but optional drop in type activities to midweek so the weekends are ours to choose what to do. We love travelling and exploring new places. They like museums and galleries, last minute road trips to see friends at the other side of the country. I'm on a low income so we search out cheap deals, I'm an expert at it, but my work is the main restriction to holidays not the DC. The only thing they rule out is adult only package deals which isn't my thing anyway. I also couldn't live a life of needing to be home each day to start the dinner/bedtime routine at 4.30 and spend my life doing housework etc so I understand people might be put off by this. I suppose if I'd had a child with a severe disability things could have been very different and I may feel that way but I'd find it hard to live my entire life on what if's and use that as a reason not to have children

Well there's a novel question...

@Okwhereisit That question has been done to death on here. And the answer is that a lot/most of MN has nothing to do with children. AIBU, Style and Beauty, The Litter Tray, The Dog House, Telly Addicts etc etc. It's a huge site with a lot of interesting and intelligent discussions (and bun fights) on a myriad of topics. I find my child free status largely irrelevant on here, unless I feel like contributing to this sort of thread of course.

Chandler, despite your views there are actually an awful lot of women (and men) who given the chance to go back in time would choose not to have children. Doesn't mean they don't love the ones they have but more that they don't love the life they have now and maybe didn't really realise what having children would entail.

As I said before, looking at my own friends with children it seems that the majority of them gave little or no thought to whether or not to have children but just had them. The childfree friends say they gave it a lot of thought and discussion.

A couple of female friends had children only because their husbands wanted them. That didn't work out well in any of the cases and they are divorced now.

A lot of male friends have said they either didn't really want children or really weren't bothered but had them because their wives wanted them or because "it's the done thing". Again they are just about all divorced

TheCat

Completely agree

So much more to MN than the mundane parenting topics IMO

This thread just shows how many child free women are here

Thank the Lord

Peach Yes, I guess the unpredictable nature of pregnancy can definitely be offputting!

I like children, but I am very happy to hand them back to their parents.

I held a newish baby last week for a few mins, while her mum went and did something.
She was asleep so I just did that thing of gently rocking her, but carried on chatting to the people I was with about stuff.

Baby could as easily have been a (warm) loaf of bread tbh. I wasn't cooing and aaahing over her, just caretaking. Anything more than that few minutes and I'd have got bored and handed her on.

Haven't read the full thread but enough of it to make me ask of the people who have chosen to never have kids why did you join Mumsnet

And we have the full house.

I know Blimey didn't realise the Mumstapo were so territorial regarding This open forum which is clearly JUST for them.

What put me off before I had kids was the title of the site - Mumsnet by parents for parents. Couldn't get past that title until I had a baby and referred to the site on a baby related matter, then found how diverse the site actually is. Just wondered why people who don't want kids and knew nothing of the website would want to initially check it out when it says it's by parents for parents?

Will raise you

'Clue is in the name'

Haven't seen that one for a while either.

most people are restricted by work re holidays anyway, which is why I can't understand why so many people think children change lifestyles so very much.

The main reasons are:

• I can go any day of the year I like, and the flight times are almost irrelevant as it's just me to get to the airport/drive where ever non stop etc
• I can deliberately schedule trips to avoid school holidays - much quieter!
• I don't need to worry about making sure the food and drink is a child friendly
• I don't need to worry about activities during travel and all throughout the trip, just enough to please myself
• no kids means I can afford to fly long haul in business or first, which adds significantly to my enjoyment.
• Etc.

A friend of mine is going on her first termtime holiday for about 20 years soon; and she is giddy with excitement about it for several of the reasons above.

Just wondered why people who don't want kids and knew nothing of the website would want to initially check it out when it says it's by parents for parents?

If you do a google search on a random topic or item, a Mumsnet thread is usually one of the first search results to appear. Really not difficult to see how so many people end up here.

Exactly how I got here, EarClipper. Came to read some thread about endometriosis, spotted some AIBUs and never looked back.