To ask why you didn't/don't want children?

[alfie22]

I'm in no way judging anybody who have decided not to have DCs.

But I am genuinely intrigued for the reasons why after reading a thread about somebody's DD not wanting children.

What are your reasons for not having children? Would there any be "what ifs" further down the line?

SinkGirl whilst I understand your viewpoint I think it is wise to consider the what-ifs when choosing any life paths.

I see lots of threads on this forum where parents are struggling to get the care they need for their disabled child and have sacrificed jobs to look after them. That would be a very very different life than the one I currently have where both of us work full time and both want to continue to work full time in our careers.

Because I don't want to spend my weekends sitting in car parks waiting to pick up kids.

Because I don't want a career break.

Because, honestly, being around kids is so dull.

Because of the number of my parent friends who have confided they wish they hadn't had kids, which is a weird thing that happens when you're childless.

Well, SinkGirl, colour me a cockroach then. I have a pre-teen son with autism, OCD and God knows what else (waiting and fighting and waiting some more for CAMHS and wait lists and blah blah blah) who is currently wrecking all our lives, and I mean, wrecking. I totally resent it, wish I hadn't had him and consider suicide on a regular basis.

My other child has pointed out that both her paternal grandfather and father have some rigidity issues and it has completely put her off ever having children having to grow up with her brother (her elder sister died from illness a few years back, too).

So I 100% respect anyone who forgoes having kids if they have a potentially heritable disease or doesn't have them because they don't want the potential for a child with disability. That's a perfectly valid choice.

Isn't it better for everyone involved (including the children) if the people who believe they would struggle to look after special needs or disabled children don't have them?

YES! Definitely! I dated a man who had bi-polar disorder in his family on his mother's side and had a private vasectomy in his 20s as he never wanted to pass that on.

I was put off babies at a teenager as my mother had two more babies then. I wasn't expected to help with the care or anything, but the first hand experience of poo, puke and crying as a 14/16 year old put me off for life. And they were so annoying! I have never had any maternal feelings. I like children, but I am very happy to hand them back to their parents. Also, when I see the massive financial input involved in children, often until well into adulthood, I am glad I don't have that burden.

I only take it as an insult when people constantly say that having children is committing to a life of drudgery when that just isn't true.

But.... it just is true for some of us. Not for you, which is great. But the OP asked for individual reasons as to why we chose not to have children and the drudgery, for me, is just one of those reasons. No intention to insult intended at all

In honesty I am not arsed what others do, and think that no one needs to justify their choice either way; i am intrigued as to why having children is selfish though.

Then why the fuck did you have two then?

Well number two wasn’t actually planned but I would have had more than one regardless as I thought it would be short term pain for long term gain.

Only children often need more attention from their parents and I would have felt compelled to play with her more etc. and would have to invite her friends around to make up for the lack of siblings (I do NOT like entertaining other people’s children) so having two made sense. They play quite well together so it’s definitely allowed me to take a step back from some of the parts of parenting that I find excruciatingly dull.

Oh and I was already living in drudgery with one, so adding another made no difference to that.

What winds me up is the way people are admitting (actually almost bragging about) the fact that they regret having their children

No, I really don't think that's true. Some posters on this thread have said that they love their children but have admitted that having them may not have been the right decision. I think it takes great courage to articulate that, even on an anonymous forum. There's no bragging going down: none whatsoever.

And yes, yes one should feel ashamed about not wanting the children one decided to have

No, no: one really shouldn't.

I judge people that judge my choice to have children and who believe my life is now shit because of that choice.

Well I can only speak for myself but ..... I don't believe that your life is at all shit. I simply believe that mine would have been if I'd had any children.

Your life is your life. You see judgejiness everywhere and believe people are judging your life. Well, they aren't. I 100% my decision to have my son. It's a moot point, but I do and I don't feel ashamed about it at all.

@Hello1231 Well the parents aren't having the child for the child's sake are they?

There was a French author about a decade ago who published a book about regretting motherhood. I'm not sure how her kids felt about that! It's understandably such a taboo subject and those who do regret being a parent, still love their children and would do anything to avoid hurting them. So an anonymous internet forum is the only outlet.

Sheshoots it might be laughable and far removed from your reality but not mine. I didn't say there is no extra cleaning, but the cleaning is happening anyway, there's just a little bit more. My D.C. are now 6 and 9 so obviously a bit older but we just never went down the route of me constantly tidying up after them. They have lots of toys but they all have homes and if they make a mess, they tidy it. DD1 even cleans the plug holes of hair as it makes me gag and she loves it. (She also removes large spiders) They make their own breakfasts most mornings, they have lunch at school and I'm cooking an evening meal regardless. I've never had to repair a dented wall and carpet stains happen in child free homes too - nothing worse than a red wine spill. Although it's not something that's been a regular occurrence in my parenting life that I spend my time walking around destining. Maybe had to do it once or twice.

Oh and I still have vases (and polished tables, dd1 also loves to polish 😆)

Isn't it better for everyone involved (including the children) if the people who believe they would struggle to look after special needs or disabled children don't have them?

At no point in my post did I say otherwise. In fact I believe fully that people need to consider the possibility of their child having an illness or disability before conceiving if possible. I did in an abstract way but didn’t really believe it would happen.

However, I don’t believe that many people who desperately want a child choose not to have them on the off chance they’ll have a disability (of course it’s different if you know that you have a high likelihood of passing something on).

Yet again, whenever the subject of choosing not to have children comes up, disabled children are used as the cautionary tale of just how terrible your life could be if things “go wrong”.

Very few parents of disabled children went into pregnancy thinking they’d be brilliant at raising a disabled child. I certainly didn’t, and certainly didn’t expect to have two of them. I’m not inherently better equipped to care for them than any other parent. I have no choice. I was a terribly impatient and short tempered person at times, they have definitely made me into a better version of myself.

And there’s a big difference between wishing you hadn’t had a disabled child (which I’m sure some do) and actively resenting a child for being disabled, as was suggested.

I still can't fully articulate even to myself why / how I changed my mind about having children. I had many of the same reasons as people here for not wanting to, and even now four years into parenthood objectively they still stand.

I absolutely loathed children. Really annoyed me being around them. Found them annoying, noisy and grubby, boring too. I genuinely had never once seen a child I deemed cute. All I could see were downsides, loss of independence, finances, risk to your career. Like a pp, I was also besotted with my cats, if I felt that way for my cats, then caring that much or more for a child would be agony.

But I did decide to have children. I think (but like I say, it's hard to be exact) I unexpectedly got broody. I started to receive news of other pregnancies with twangs of envy. And my DH is awesome with children, totally wonderful, if he hadn't been there's no way on earth I'd have done it. He's better than me. Then I looked at our comfortable relationship and careers and bizarrely started thinking it would be fun to shake it up with small people. The only other option was jacking in my home and career and going off and doing something crazy and I suddenly had an epiphany I was more cut out for a life of parenthood than bohemian living I'd spent the last twenty years assuming I wanted.

Of course, so much of the predictable happened - I've got fat, a buggered body, no time to myself, we're skint because we needed a bigger house, my children are noisy just like any other. Less sticky though. I have no regrets, I even think my children are insanely cute and fun, but I would never ever question why a woman wouldn't want this life, because there is still a bit of my brain that logically says "why would you?".

Bit late to the party but I (F/33) fully support people who want children but for me personally I can’t think of anything worse.

My perception of it is that it is a life of crushing responsibility. I couldn’t cope with the cost, the tiredness etc. I am sure there is joy but for me it wouldn’t be worth it.

My husband (M/29) and I have worked really hard to create a life that we love and it would be gutting to sacrifice it. We have so much more freedom than our friends with children. We can be spontaneous, sleep in, sex whenever and wherever, total privacy, our house is always tidy and quiet. Having a double income and no children leaves a sizeable disposable amount each month so we are self-indulgent with regular spa weekends, beauty treatments etc. We’ve recently hired a housekeeper so we no longer have to do any chores. We also travel the world having awesome experiences (visiting 6 countries this year). Apart from our jobs every moment of our lives is our own to do as we please!

People often tell us we’ll change our mind but we’ve both been sterilised (privately, NHS don’t like to do it unless you already have children) which should demonstrate our commitment to our decision.

I’m finding some of the answers a bit strange on here. Although I definitely don’t think anyone should explain why they haven’t got dc ffs it’s not a bloody obligation, I have one. She’s now 6. We travel the world still, we still go on weekend breaks but can be restricted to holidays but as in a private school is w lot less restrictive. Basically I didn’t have dc until I was so financially stable I could continue this. Although admittedly I suppose maybe some people may never be in my position .
I am not having anymore though! Although I do joke maybe in ten years time oh and I also hate kids. But everyone else’s not my own.

I also hate kids. But everyone else’s not my own.

I see this ^^ so much on MN. Do people get extra cool points for hating kids that aren't their own? I don't have kids of my own but find most kids fine to be honest.

@chanderl

"And yes, yes one should feel ashamed about not wanting the children one decided to have."
That's a nasty and needless comment. All we are doing on this forum is saying why we didn't want children. If someone who did have children has some regrets, then I find them stating that on an anonymous forum refreshingly honest. They have no need to feel ashamed and you shouldn't castigate them for that. Just because they feel that way doesn't mean their children will be aware of it. You can love your children and treat them appropriately and still regret having children. Not everything is either/or.

Why can't we all just express our opinions without the nastiness or nitpicking?

I'm pretty sure when I got married I had no idea how different married life would be. I suspect it's the same with children. You think you know what your life will be like but you probably have no idea really.

Plucky feathers most people are restricted by work re holidays anyway, which is why I can't understand why so many people think children change lifestyles so very much. The restriction and drudgery are there for all who require to work full time for a living, DC or no DC

@Booboo66 The difference is that for most people work is essential so the drudgery that comes with that is unavoidable. Some people just don't want all the extra restrictions and drudgery that comes with having children added on to that.

Have nothing against those who do or dont decide to have children for whatever reason. I do however think is unnecessary, slightly ignorant and just odd that some people give "not ruining my figure", "I don't want to be fat, get stretch marks" as reasons for not having children. Having children doesn't automatically mean you lose your 'figure' or 'stay fat'. I know people with multiple children who have great figures, through luck or through hard work. I also know people who have never given birth who have not so great figures (whatever people class that as).

Also those who think kids ruin your sex life may sometimes lack imagination the ability to think oustide the box or alternatives to the usual positions or places

Reasons such as sleep, sick, poo, worry, anxiety, and to an extent lack of freedom I do get though.