To ask why you didn't/don't want children?

[alfie22]

I'm in no way judging anybody who have decided not to have DCs.

But I am genuinely intrigued for the reasons why after reading a thread about somebody's DD not wanting children.

What are your reasons for not having children? Would there any be "what ifs" further down the line?

The planet Earth would heave a sigh of relief and a new species would take over as top of the food chain.🙄🙄

I.just.didnt. My own mental health and environmental reasons are also a big factor too.

And no I'm not selfish, nor do I live a meaningless half life and don't know what real love is.

I don't get why parents get so offended on threads like this and take it so personally.

I have a friend and having kids has just made her. She's a wonderful parent. I have other friends who it's done the opposite to, physical/mental health issues, financial etc. I know in my heart I would fall into the latter group.

But I don't get offended that others have made different choices to me. I'm just fed up of being told I'll change my mind etc etc etc.

The whole having/raising a child is an exercise in selflessness, self-sacrifice and denial of things to oneself, with no opt-out option.... Becoming parents does change people for the better, it is a profound experience.

Sounds like what my mother would say. She is absolutely, poisonously, abominably wrong.

The whole having/raising a child is an exercise in selflessness, self-sacrifice and denial of things to oneself, with no opt-out option.... Becoming parents does change people for the better, it is a profound experience.

Shame it doesn't work out like that then, isn't it? Shit parents abound.

It’s probably been asked a hundred times on here and I’m too lazy to rtft

Not meaning to be provocative or anything, but why does anyone care why a total stranger does or doesn’t have children, or what there reasons for this choice are?

I never wanted to turn into my controlling mother who felt she ’owned’ me (she actually told me and my sister that she owned us!).

I grew up in a country where you were expected to procreate within a year or 2 of marriage, and if no child appeared, there was obviously something wrong and you were pitied. Thankfully I was able to emigrate in my late teens, and live my life the way I chose.

Even though I had made it very clear to my mother that neither my husband nor I wanted children, she never accepted this and kept writing to me for years asking me to reconsider because she wanted for me to have what she had. She probably was being pitied for not having any grandchildren (my sister had also decided to remain childless).

A couple of decades later and here I am with 2 inherited health conditions which impact my life every day. I never ever regret not passing on my genes to someone else.

doesn't 'always' work out like that.

*their not there

I don't want to. That's it really. Just doesn't appeal to me at all. DP is the same, so I doubt we'll change our minds.

The whole having/raising a child is an exercise in selflessness, self-sacrifice and denial of things to oneself, with no opt-out option.... Becoming parents does change people for the better, it is a profound experience.

What’s selfless about wanting to procreate? Nobody forced you to have had children. It’s your selfish desires to do so. 🙄 all this selfless crap is bullshit.

It’s like that viral SAHM video doing the rounds on social media atm. “Look at all I do every day”

NOBODY GIVES A SHIT! 😂

@chocolategivesmehives
I have spent a lot of time caring for elderly DP’s. My DSis doesn’t help at all despite living much closer, because she’s so busy with her children hmm
How many and what age are the children as that makes a difference into who cares for your mum.
I spend time running errands for an elderly neighbour as my DC’s are at school so have time.
I agree that having or not having kids doesn’t equate to how selfish, nice caring you are it’s a personal characteristic.

Children are way overrated to my mind. I’m hoping it pays off long term but at the moment it’s pure and utter drudgery. DH and I often lament that we should have stuck with puppies 

Then why the fuck did you have two then? Your life is in your control so it's actually your fault that your life is 'pure and utter drudgery'

My grandparents shouldn't have had their kids.

My parents definitely should not have had me. My mother agrees. She actively discouraged me to have children.

It's really for the best. I can barely take care of myself.

With hindsight, I wouldn’t have had any. The cons outweigh the pro’s for me.

Only read about a 1/4 way down but just wanted to respond to a point I see regularly from parents

I'm bemused by the perspectives: "having children makes your life worthwhile", "children make you less selfish" and "you haven't experienced love until you have had children" etc.

I agree with the above ^^ I think this only applies if you lack emotional intelligence and empathy and insight before you have children. I feel like I saw both sides of this.

I am a naturally empathetic person. A deep thinker. Some would say “over sensitive” (well my DM used to tell me I was a lot and not in a good way )

Anyway, I felt like I already understood unconditional love, empathy and my life felt full of purpose. I was a nurse, so always driven towards caring for people.

I always wanted children although went through a period of a few years in my late 20s where DH and I wavered and thought, we love our freedom, our careers, our long haul holidays, our lovely house full of grown up things and lazy weekends wandering into town for lunch.... do we want to change all that? But deep down I knew I wanted children. Then there was a long period of time that it looked like it wasn’t possible which just made me want them more, but I had to genuinely deal with the prospect of a future without children. After lots o soul searching I knew we’d be ok and have a full and rich and fulfilling life.

We actually eventually managed to have 2 DC. The youngest is 9 months so I’m fully back in the drudges/trenches.

Yes it can feel endless and thankless but I really wanted them so I don’t mind. There are lots of positives too and I’m sure when they’re older it will feel less relentless.

Anyway, I would say that I definitely understand other parents and the love they have for their children better now. And I feel constantly vulnerable and a bit raw worrying about my children.

BUT I wouldn’t say I’ve suddenly gained this new found profound enlightenment about what life is all about or that I suddenly understand true love blah blah. I already loved my DH deeply and unconditionally and felt I couldn’t live without him. I already felt that my life had purpose. At times I really miss our old life even though I love my children so so much.

The whole having/raising a child is an exercise in selflessness, self-sacrifice and denial of things to oneself, with no opt-out option.... Becoming parents does change people for the better, it is a profound experience.

It's not really necessary though, is it? Who are you trying to prove yourself to? God? Do you need to go through this exercise in selflessness to be allowed through the pearly gates?

I don't see the need, personally.

@chanderl This thread is clearly really winding you up. Why are torture yourself? Why not start a 'How has having children improved your life?' thread...

C.S.Lewis wrote a really thought-provoking book on the different types of love. Haven't read it for years but IIRC in his opinion, that martyred self-sacrificial love of the querulous mother is no love at all. Worth a read. It did make me more conscious of not putting the BURDEN of my love on my husband/kids, of not making them feel as if any choice I had made to give myself to them was any kind of sacrifice to me.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Four_Loves

@BobbyBaratheon What winds me up is the way people are admitting (actually almost bragging about) the fact that they regret having their children.

The whole having/raising a child is an exercise in selflessness, self-sacrifice and denial of things to oneself, with no opt-out option.

This is why it can contribute to personal growth (if an individual is willing to do the above), one comes out the other end a more compassionate, patient and giving person. Becoming parents does change people for the better, it is a profound experience. But extremely tough one, I agree.

I totally disagree. Having children can absolutely be viewed as a selfish choice. It’s making the decision to utilise some of the planet’s finite resources in return for the love and joy you personally expect to get from a child.

Some people are also not changed for the better by having children. I know many people who have become more self-centred, less generous, less giving, less interested, less creative and less thoughtful because of having children. I don’t blame them for that, because I understand it must be wholly absorbing to be raising children and it’s absolutely understandable why other priorities and qualities fall by the wayside. But the fact that it does sometimes happen is just that - a fact.

We need some people to have children and some people not to for a balanced society. There are pros and cons for each option. Some people will feel strongly one way, and others will feel strongly in the opposite direction. That’s all well and good. But there’s no moral high ground about it. Neither side gets to lay claim to selflessness, true love, purpose, personal growth or anything else. Nothing about the choice to have children or not have children gives you exclusive access to those qualities.

What winds me up is the way people are admitting (actually almost bragging about) the fact that they regret having their children.

Wow. This is an anonymous (unless you actually reveal identifying things) forum where people should be able to say that they regret having children. I am sure they don't go home and tell their children that at the dinner table but equally it isn't something that they should feel ashamed about.

But weren't you also a bit wound up by people's reasons for not having children at all?

an exercise in selflessness, self-sacrifice and denial of things to oneself

Tautology aside, this sounds like you’ve donated a kidney to a stranger rather created a mini-me because you wanted to.

I didn’t want them. I was having a brilliant time- I had a fab relationship, a nice house, lots of interests, a well paid job I loved, a good social life, lots of nieces and nephews and plenty of money. Why would I have wanted children?

I am surprised the word 'drudgery' is used so many times. I mean I do sometimes look at other parents lives with rigid routines and think it looks a bit dull but that's a choice. Surely we all cook and clean anyway, and have to be out the door on average 5 days a week at set times kids or not? Very little has changed in my lifestyle since having children as that's the way I chose it. They just come along and do the things I did with me and eat the same things I'm eating, I just have to make a bit more of it