To ask why you didn't/don't want children?

[alfie22]

I'm in no way judging anybody who have decided not to have DCs.

But I am genuinely intrigued for the reasons why after reading a thread about somebody's DD not wanting children.

What are your reasons for not having children? Would there any be "what ifs" further down the line?

This is an interesting thread as it doesn’t chime with my own thoughts, I have three and am happy I do.

But I don’t agree with the people becoming more compassionate line at all. Not least because even parents are not always the best to their own dc let alone other people.

Since the default condition is being childfree, surely the question should be why DID you want children, not the other way round?

But in answer to your question, personally I see an awful lot of downsides - less money, less sleep, more stress, less freedom in extricating yourself from a miserable relationship - and few upsides. Even the supposed 'moments of bliss' that people talk about hear - the cuddles, the 'I love you', the bedtime stories - simply don't appeal. At least not to me.

"One comes out the other end a more compassionate, patient and giving person".

One of my coworkers explicitly says that he thinks it is his beholden duty to be as sharp elbowed, acquisitive and selfish as he can be in order to provide the best for his children.

Fortunately he's shit at the above.

**

Thank you . Alien to fetus/baby analogy was clearly tongue in cheek...

I have 3 kids, hopefully 4 soon (due in October).

It was the right choice for me but it has also made it BLINDINGLY apparent why people choose not to have children and I respect them for making that choice. They are free to see bits of my life as drudgery and anything else they choose, and free not to automatically like my children, because they are welcome to their own opinion (and laundry for 3 kids with a full time job IS f*cking drudgery).

It puzzles me why parents find it hard to understand other people not wanting to be parents. To some extent (not completely) it's like any other optional and difficult activity, such as getting a PhD - worth it and has definite good points if you have the particular interest and motivation to see it through, but otherwise why bother? It shouldn't be the default.

My Dr would agree too

After he'd used these words we actually called dc 'Alien or Parasite' for much of the Pregnancy.

So fitting

It's a wonder we didn't have the authorities knocking on the door

I always wonder what would have happened if you had the child and realised that you had been right all along, and you didn't actually want a child
Get on with it. Be responsible and put your child before yourself. Rely on grandparents for a bit of respite every now and again. Focus on the positives and look forward to the good bits.

I absolutely adore my son, he’s the light of my life. The good bits are wonderful and are becoming more frequent as he gets older and shows an interest in the world. I love teaching him and sharing things with him.

But make no mistake, I’m no longer the same person that I was. The beautiful sophisticated woman has gone. My diverse, exciting world has contracted to the size of my child and I have no time, money or freedom for anything else. He takes everything and I have nothing left for myself. Don’t be fooled by seeing other mothers having lives - they either have money for childcare to buy back their freedom, or someone they can hand their kids to for free childcare.

It’s interesting how many people are talking about how having a child brings drudgery to your life. I never wanted children and eventually had one at 38 and I’ve been surprised by the joy it brings, and no drudgery so far 5 years in!

Bank balance still healthy, career going well, just been on a lovely holiday, had a lie in until 10 at weekend! For me it’s just been lots of exciting new experiences which is the opposite of drudgery

I’d be more interesting in asking men why they wanted kids seeing as a huge percentage of them seem to do very little in the way of parenting. I’d be especially interested in the answers from absent parents. They never seem to get asked though.

I was like you before I had my son. I was selfish and didn't want to divide my time looking after somebody else.

Ugh. Having a child doesn't make you less 'selfish'. It just expands your concept of 'self' to include your own child. It doesn't make you any more caring or selfless in general. Even the most selfish and obnoxious people love their own children.

The whole having/raising a child is an exercise in selflessness, self-sacrifice and denial of things to oneself, with no opt-out option. This is why it can contribute to personal growth (if an individual is willing to do the above), one comes out the other end a more compassionate, patient and giving person. Becoming parents does change people for the better, it is a profound experience. But extremely tough one, I agree.

Bingo! Nice to see we weren’t disappointed. Get this poster a sainthood immediately. 🙄

Christ, I can imagine the outrage if people talked about childfree women with the contempt shown here by some towards mothers

Happens all the time, especially on here. I dare say it’s subconscious. Try reading the thread on the annoying sister in law.

Becoming parents does change people for the better,

It doesn't, some parents are bloody awful. Why would you make a sweeping statement like that? Michael Jackson was a "parent", (I use the term loosely) it didn't change my mother "for the better", she just saw us as a captive audience of 3, little extensions of her. Our entire childhood was spent carefully gauging her moods. We had to make her the centre of our worlds otherwise we'd get the silent treatment. She even got a GP to prescribe diazepam to me as a 2 year old so I would sleep through the night and she wouldn't feel stressed.

Thing is, the vast majority of people - about 8 out of 10 in the UK - become parents at some point. If becoming a parent automatically made you a better person, surely society would be a much kinder and better place than it is?

That “overwhelming love” thing that apparently makes parenting so worthwhile? Ya... not so for me.

I have two DC and of course I love them and my world revolves around them. However, a year before DD1 was born my DH surprised me with a puppy on my birthday. It remains the happiest day of my life 😂 I was overcome with tears of joy and didn’t sleep a wink, peeping into the basket to stare at him.

When my children were born I felt nothing but relief that the horrible ordeal was over and I never wasted precious sleep staring at them during the night! Children are way overrated to my mind. I’m hoping it pays off long term but at the moment it’s pure and utter drudgery. DH and I often lament that we should have stuck with puppies

If parenthood changed people for the better then child abuse or neglect would never be committed by a parent.

Experiences and life of all kinds changes people. And the changes can be better or worse.

'Try reading the thread on the annoying sister in law.'

Thought exactly the same

I cherish my family of choice, money, time and quietness

I love this. Just perfect.

For me, having kids would affect my life negatively in all sorts of way, and I just don't see too many positives to counteract that.

Why don't people ask others why they chose to have children? From my friends it seems that most of the ones with children had them because "it's normal", "it's what you do" or "I didn't think about it I just had them"! Wow all wonderful reasons for having children.

Certainly those than chose to be childfree seem to give it more thought and discussion than those that have children.

I can see there are good things to have children but there certainly are plenty of bad ones. Maybe I have unfortunate friends but so many of them have major worry and stress about their children. Not just ones with young children either. I am talking grown up children and some with children of their own but still causing so many problems for their parents.

I am sure if you have a happy healthy child who at 3 or 4 sits on the settee telling you how much they love it is great but that child will grow up and will they still be lovely? Look at how many children don't keep in contact with their parents.

I find it sad that so many women (and quite a few men) have told me over the years that although they love their child(ren) if they could go back in time they would not have any. None of my childfree friends have said if they could go back in time they would have children.

Well, I'm undecided as yet. There are reasons why I would want children. In the cons, there are:

• lack of sleep, lack of downtime, endless responsibility, and how they would all affect my anxiety and depression
• the financial and career implications
• the environmental impact
• the thought that anything could go wrong in terms of severe disabilities etc and then it's a lifetime caring commitment that statistically is a horrible strain on your life and your marriage

@AlexaAmbidextra
Why then do parents, to whom the question obviously doesn’t apply, feel the need to participate? If there was a thread asking ‘why did you have children’ (although unlikely as parents are rarely asked to justify their decision in the way the childfree are), it wouldn’t occur to me to post my reasons for choosing not to procreate.
It’s human nature I think If you asked that plenty of non parents would pile in to say how revolting and sticky children are etc.
It’s like the threads on racism when person of colour posts about an experience then a white person will state that in all the lime they’ve lived in Hertfordshire they’ve never experienced it plus they don’t see colour.

Also I grew up in a single-parent WC household, with no money and some emotional abuse thrown in, and my step-siblings are 10 and 17 years younger than me (different dads) so I have to believe that colours my expectations somewhat. I have no point of reference for a healthy, happy, functioning family so I guess I don't know what it would even be like.

I think we should fall at the feet of people that decide not to have children and praise them as the environmental saviours they are :)

I was like you before I had my son. I was selfish and didn't want to divide my time looking after somebody else.

How phenomenally rude.