To ask why you didn't/don't want children?

[alfie22]

I'm in no way judging anybody who have decided not to have DCs.

But I am genuinely intrigued for the reasons why after reading a thread about somebody's DD not wanting children.

What are your reasons for not having children? Would there any be "what ifs" further down the line?

@ILoveAllRainbowsx what do you mean you 'disagree with comprehensive schools'?!

I have a mental illness with a likely genetic component. I had an upbringing that was materially sufficient but neglectful in a huge number of ways. I do not have good parenting role models in the slightest. "Normal family life" has a huge number of negative connotations for me.

I do not really want children for all those reasons, but also because I want sex, drugs and computer games far more than any of the so-called benefits having children provides.

Because i didnt want a life of drudgery.

Because childcare is STILL seen as womens responsibility.

Because i didnt/dont have it in me to be a parent. Im 46 next weekend so too late to change my mind and i wouldnt anyway. Ive known since i was 21 that its not for me.

That sums it up exactly for me too. It's blunt and to the point but true (for me) nevertheless I'm 52 now and to date have no regrets whatsoever.

A few reasons.
1: I feel like I'm too young even at 23
2: I have mental health issues and wouldn't want a kid to suffer if they happened to experience the same ones as me
3: Tokophobia - even seeing someone's pregnant stomach makes me want to be sick.

But I love my mental and physical health, my career, my figure, my bank account, my sleep, my nice things, my travel plans, my sex life, and my free time more than I want one of my own.

This too.

Because I'm child-intolerant. It's a condition

Wasn't there a recent survey that concluded the happiest and healthiest women are single and child free?

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/25/women-happier-without-children-or-a-spouse-happiness-expert

*'Loathe' and 'hate' and 'repulse'

Were all used up thread by Chanderl

....funny that*

I didn't use those words ever

ImpracticalCape

I loved days out at Legoland.

I probably have ADHD so maturity wise I don’t think I will ever grow up.
I loved running around the park and having picnics

Beats working in a stuffy office filing paperwork which is what I was doing before kids.
They gave the breathing and thinking space to realise how unhappy I was in my job. Now spend my time on my own business and out earn anything I could ever hope to have earned in my previous jobs

Purely and simply because I prefer dogs/cats to children, I'm not maternal, I'm selfish and because I didn't want the burden of raising children. I spent my childhood feeling resented because everything was so expensive and that my parents were poor (they were as poor as they kept telling us) and couldn't afford this and that and being bullied for it, and I agree with the comments about growing an alien/parasite within my body just makes me shudder with horror.

Chanderl

Apologies

The whole having/raising a child is an exercise in selflessness, self-sacrifice and denial of things to oneself, with no opt-out option.

This is why it can contribute to personal growth (if an individual is willing to do the above), one comes out the other end a more compassionate, patient and giving person. Becoming parents does change people for the better, it is a profound experience. But extremely tough one, I agree.

I've just realised that another reason is that I really find the sight of a pregnant woman off-putting. (I'm sorry, I know that sounds horrible and I appreciate I will be in a minority but I wanted to give an honest answer). Some think it"s beautiful and I feel the opposite about it. Added to my previous reasons I really think I was pre-destined not to want or have children.

As a mother of five I'm pleased that so many of you have chosen not to have children. It makes it easier to see through the "we should all only have two children to replicate ourselves" bullshit that gets touted on here so often.

It seems to me that if you veer in any tangible way from the MN defined norm of an acceptable family model, a certain contingent on here will use this as an excuse to berate you.

Fair enough if you don't want children, you shouldn't need to justify yourselves.
Enjoy your lives as you see fit, its your life after all.

'I really find the sight of a pregnant woman off-putting'

Weird isn't it, but I can relate to that.

So absolutely refreshing to see that there are actually so many childfree from choice women on MN, on so many different boards.

Fantastic

When environmental arguments get thrown up you can just say, ‘yeah, we’re all going to die, so what!’ Now of course I get myself very worked up about that shit as my kids are going to have to deal with it as they age.

This is my main reason for not having kids. I'd rather not be burdened by the inevitable guilt and worry I'd feel if I ignored all the environmental threats we're facing and went ahead and had children. I do like children and always assumed I'd have them but I feel like having kids at this point would be like inviting friends over during a house fire.

This is why it can contribute to personal growth (if an individual is willing to do the above), one comes out the other end a more compassionate, patient and giving person. Becoming parents does change people for the better, it is a profound experience. But extremely tough one, I agree.

What a load of twaddle. If it takes being a parent to make someone all those things, then that says a lot about them. If it was that straightforward, then we wouldn’t have parents assaulting people, robbing, bullying, harassing, murdering, etc, because parenthood has changed them.

It’s incredibly insulting to those who either choose not to or can’t have children.

I like children and up until I met DH thought I would have them. Me and DH discussed at length whether to have any or not and decided not to. 40 years married, both in our 60's and honestly not 1 second of regret. In fact we are even more convinced now that we made the right decision when we look at how the future is likely to be.

Why did we decide against having children? Quite a few reasons. We were concerned about overpopulation and didn't really want to add to it. I would have wanted to be a sahm but was the higher earner at the time so we could not have afforded that.

I am a huge worrier and the thought of spending possibly the rest of my life worrying about any children we had I did not find appealing. As it is I worry about our nieces and nephews a lot.

The thought of the sleepless nights, the toddler tantrums etc wasn't appealing. The damage having a child can do to your body also didn't appeal much.

We were also concerned that having children would affect our marriage and not in a positive way. Just before we got married our best man's nan said to us that if we wanted to stay as happy as we were we should not have children.

Yes it is possible to have children and a happy marriage but having children does often put a strain on a relationship. Almost all of the people we know with children are divorced (quite a few more than once) and yet all the childfree couples we know have been married at least 29 years (all first marriages). I don't honestly think that is just coincidence. Most divorced friends say having children was the start of problems and lots say that children definitely ended their marriage

"One comes out the other end a more compassionate, patient and giving person".

Hahaha yeah sure, tell that to the parents engaged in a daily parking war outside my local primary.

Christ, I can imagine the outrage if people talked about childfree women with the contempt shown here by some towards mothers.

They do. On a regular basis

I always knew that I didn’t want to be a parent. I have absolutely no maternal feelings whatsoever, I have never felt ‘broody’ (whatever that means) in my life, and I did not particularly like or want to spend time with children even when I was one myself.

I always describe myself as ‘child free’ rather than ‘childless’. People who want to have children but are unable to do so have my sympathy, of course, but I can’t pretend I understand that desire, because I don’t.

When my friends had their children, I was genuinely happy for them because they got what they wanted. I admit, however, that I have limited patience with parents who constantly moan about what a nightmare parenthood is because having kids is a lifestyle choice which they freely opted into.

TescosFinest, that’s not really the case though, is it. There are plenty of children living in households where no-one gives a shit about them - their parents are not selfless, compassionate, patient and giving AT ALL and the situation is made worse by adding children to the mix - the children are not being loved and nurtured.

It is as conversely daft to suggest all women (and it’s always the women who bear the brunt of the censure) who do not want children are selfish. They generally make the sensible decision that it’s not right for them. I don’t want children, but don’t think that makes me selfish. I have spent a lot of time caring for elderly DP’s. My DSis doesn’t help at all despite living much closer, because she’s so busy with her children

I knew I didn’t want kids from the age of about 14, constantly told I would change my mind but never did. Never played with dolls, never felt maternal and have zero regrets. I like my freedom, I don’t want to have to dedicate my life to providing for others, and childcare is still largely left to women, which often puts them in a more vulnerable position. I want complete control over my life.

As I’ve got older, the idea of being an aunt has become a little more appealing, but unfortunately my brother had 3 kids with 3 different women and doesn’t see or provide for any of them (but no one asks him why he had kids), and my sister decided she didn’t want kids either!