To get closure by tracking?

[Closure]

I recognise I may be loosing the plot. Or have already lost the plot.

Relationship for 12 years. Past 4 years has worked away approx 150miles, for a business.

Ive never met his family, no blood relatives. Friends yes.

We split 3 weeks ago. Since then my friends and family have come forward and everyone single one of them thinks he has had another family or there is someone else. Its been hard to hear but listening to them has made me question everything. Was I a mistress? Was somebody else a mistress? Does he have kids and a wife and thats why ive never met his family and why he was set against kids and marriage. I have two of my own that he's raised, since they were small.

Ive been googling private investigators and even spoke to two agencies. One i think is a con artist and the 2nd i couldnt afford the prices (not sure i would have gone through with anything but i dont know).
Then i've been on line and found I could get magnetic car trackers. Had one in the basket and almost hit the purchase button but I havent gone ahead.

I feel like im going mad. I dont recognise myself but I want to know if its all been a lie. I dont know how to process whats happened. What story do I tell myself.

a. its one of them things and it didn't work out and yes there were lots of questions but its something I'll never know

or
b. I was naive for 12 years and fell for every hook line and sinker and should be ashamed.

Be gentle please. Is it so wrong to want closure
b.

God no, it's not wrong to want closure. After that amount of time I'd have to know. Can you follow him from his place of work or get someone else to and see where he goes?

Is he on the electoral roll at your address? Is his banking set up at your address?

And you shouldn't be ashamed. You believed he was single even if he wasn't. You've done nothing wrong

Well first off, cancel the trackers and detectives! Do not be a woman scorned!

Did he finish it? Is there any social media trail of him? Have you come out and asked him this.

This must be so hard for you! It's a massive chunk out of your life so take time to decompress to firstly adjusting to being single.

It may give closure but think about what you will do with the information - is it to confront him? Tell his other family (and ruin their lives) to spite him? Do you have money to waste as they may find he's telling the truth he has no family (he's in contact with) and you have grown apart.

Think carefully because even if he's a cheating liar, he's out of your life now and the important thing is to think about your future, perhaps use the money for a dating agency subscription?

I’d be so tempted to, but it won’t actually change anything if you find information, will it? It’ll just make you sad, and like the last 12 years were all a lie. I can’t imagine you feeling much happier or confident if you discovered it!

If he was asking you to marry him but you couldn’t commit unless you had this information, I’d think it was genius. But it’s already over. I just don’t see how discovering you were fooled or betrayed will help.

Probably the healthiest thing to do is accept it’s over. Grieve for the relationship (as you knew it), learn from mistakes (anyone who doesn’t introduce you to their family within a year usually has a reason...) and then look towards your own future, and try to make that the happiest it can be.

Easier said than done, I know! But that’s the route I feel will take you to happiness, in the quickest time.

Why did you split? Did he ever explain why you didn't meet his family?

I can understand why you would want to know but not sure if the answer would really help.

He has no details at my address
He said, if the business went under the house would be protected if he wasn't linked to it.

His family lives a few hours away from where his business is. My friend said, she thinks his wife lives with his parents and thats why Ive never been included I couldnt get anyone to travel that far.

Ive irationally contacted his business partner and his brother and his wife. Ive not met or spoke to his wife or brother but found them on Linkedin I asked if they were aware of me and my two children and that we had been together for the 12 years.

His business partner hasnt replied (i didnt hink she would) we had a falling out a few years ago when my Dad was ill. I had to take my Dads dog to be put to sleep which broke my heart and Ex was suppose to be there with me. He wasn't. He blamed business partner. At the time Id just buried my dad and put his dog down and blasted the business partner for not being supportive shes not spoke to me since.

Ive heard nothing from his brother or sister in law. I got a phone call off ex shortly after i sent the message. His brother contacted him. I dont know what was said. Ex said, 'dont worry im not cross with you. I know your in a bad place'. I hung up

Am i going mad

I would have to find out somehow.
Did he get mail to your address? Any social media?

My Husband works away lots and every time I mention it on here people say he must have another family somewhere / cheating/ leading a double life.

Maybe he's estranged from his family due to a trauma / abuse?

Maybe he caused them problems growing up and they disowned him?

Maybe he's been in prison or been told to move away under a new identity?probably all far fetched but obviously these things can happen.

hms im ashamed becasue if its true, ive fallen for lies that people around me could see blatantly. What type of person does that make me?

EAIOU he finished it. Things were a bit rocky. One of those feelings. I felt i have done something wrong for a few weeks. He wouldnt talk to me or tell me what. Said its in my head. He came home. We had food. He went outside for a ciggarette and then came in said he was going. I had a bad feeling. I asked him to stay, whatever it was we could talk it out. He got his bag and left.

I had a bad feeling. When he got back to his business, he texted asking if he could ring. That gave me heebeejeebies. I said No. He texted and said, he couldnt make himself feel something he doesnt'.

I've asked him straight out and he swears there was and is no one else and that he doesn't know what changed

He always said that he didnt have a good relationship with his family. He would visit them occasionally. As far as I know.

his parents are now elderly and he stayed with them christmas day this year. Caused alot of upset because he didnt want me there and said he needed the time with his family etc.. We had a few blazing rows about it and in the end I made myself be ok with it but not understanding

Didn't your friends and family tell you they thought this at all in 12 years?

Sorry but his mail must be going somewhere, has he voted in the past 12 years? If so he has another address. Do you know his parents address? If so you can search for anyone living there online.

I don't know what knowing will achieve but honestly, I couldn't settle until I knew. You might be better off trying to just put him behind you.

Did he spend the previous 11 Christmas days with you? If so it's unlikely you're the OW isn't it?

Do whatever you can to find out the truth. I'm so sorry you have this worry.

EAIOU I hadnt thought about it that way, the being a woman scorned. Im just so angry.

angry that i may have been lied and or angry that my view of the relationship has changed .

Stuck I dont know what i would do with the information. I dont think i could ruin a family but Id want to know how long, when, what. Was it me the mistress or her.

Hasthissodding I know your right. I logically know your right. It keeps running through my head - in future, if someone asks, what happened, do I tell them? How do i explain it

Ok, so you’ve already had a go at his business partner in the past, and now you’ve contacted his family - who went straight to him. If you then put a tracker on his car, you do realise that he’ll think you’re still madly in love with him, don’t you? Or just mad.

He’s dumped you. It’s over. I know that’s painful now but in the future it’ll be for the best. You need to go towards your future as soon as you can, and not drag this misery into it.

If he did have another family and you didn’t know, that doesn’t make YOU look bad! It makes him look bad. Cant you see that? You’ve done nothing wrong, you can hold your head up high. But if you carry on looking for answers, you’ll look desperate and sad.

in future, if someone asks, what happened, do I tell them? How do i explain it

“We were together for years and then it went long-distance and we just drifted apart. I really don’t think about him any more but I wish him well. Anyway, did you see this week’s Gogglebox?”

She is desperate though for answers. And after 12 years - answers is more important than how she appears to other people.

answers are ^^

I was just going to ask you what happened about Christmas Day. So last Christmas he told you he was staying with his family. What about previous Christmases?

Did you ever see his bank accounts?

I wouldn't be able to rest until I'd found out what was going on, OP.

HMS thats a good point about christmas

His mail goes to his business address as it has a flat built in. Ive searched 192.com and have his parents address. Not that I would do anything with it at all. There's only his parents names listed as being resident.

My friends and family have not been a particular fan of him but would be around him for me. I dont ever recall anyone saying they thought he had a family somewhere.
One friend said, she had always wondered what his agenda was. Because if, he really loved us, he would make more time for us

Did he vote in that time? If he did (or said he did) but a card didn't come to your address, where did he say it went to?

My ex husband has married again and she clearly hates me and I don’t know why. (I know when I’ve done something wrong and I honestly haven’t to her!)

It felt so unfair and strange that I used to get angry about it inside. I didn’t ever do or say anything (thank god) but I was really upset. Then I had counselling over something completely different, and I told the counsellor about the new wife. The counsellor said, “It suits some people to dislike you, and you’ll never know why, and nothing you can do will change it. So just accept it. It’s her issue, not yours.”

It really helped. Some people are just horrible, and the best thing to do isn’t to work out the depths of, or reasons behind, their nastiness. It’s to distance yourself from them as fast as you can, and then never think about them again.

So you have children together but have never met his family, yet last Christmas he said he was staying with them, on his own? That sounds very, very fishy.

Hollow never saw bank accounts. he was always very private about it, which would make me feel a bit uneasy. I put it down to pride. He'd been bankrupt many years back and it had taken him along time to build things back up.

My friends and family said, I would always make excuses for him. I did. I alwys found a reason to explain oddbits.