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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get closure by tracking?

115 replies

Closure · 09/06/2019 13:08

I recognise I may be loosing the plot. Or have already lost the plot.

Relationship for 12 years. Past 4 years has worked away approx 150miles, for a business.

Ive never met his family, no blood relatives. Friends yes.

We split 3 weeks ago. Since then my friends and family have come forward and everyone single one of them thinks he has had another family or there is someone else. Its been hard to hear but listening to them has made me question everything. Was I a mistress? Was somebody else a mistress? Does he have kids and a wife and thats why ive never met his family and why he was set against kids and marriage. I have two of my own that he's raised, since they were small.

Ive been googling private investigators and even spoke to two agencies. One i think is a con artist and the 2nd i couldnt afford the prices (not sure i would have gone through with anything but i dont know).
Then i've been on line and found I could get magnetic car trackers. Had one in the basket and almost hit the purchase button but I havent gone ahead.

I feel like im going mad. I dont recognise myself but I want to know if its all been a lie. I dont know how to process whats happened. What story do I tell myself.

a. its one of them things and it didn't work out and yes there were lots of questions but its something I'll never know

or
b. I was naive for 12 years and fell for every hook line and sinker and should be ashamed.

Be gentle please. Is it so wrong to want closure
b.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/06/2019 14:39

Consider the legal implications before you start to track him.

I'd also second everyone saying that it's over, and there's nothing to be gained from this now. You'd be better to refocus elsewhere; although I can see why you'd rather know. It's going to be difficult or expensive to find out, using legal methods, unless you search for marriages etc online.

VisiblyOver25 · 09/06/2019 14:41

I'd have to know. Can you search public records online for marriage/divorce/birth records?

HiItsClemFandango · 09/06/2019 14:44

Search for a marriage certificate online maybe?

Have you been to visit him since he moved away 4 years ago? Have you ever been to his house?

Zoflorabore · 09/06/2019 14:44

Hi op, sorry you're going through this, sounds awful and the not knowing the full story would eat away at you.

Can I ask a few questions please?

Before he started the business ie up until 4 years ago, did you pretty much spend every day together as a couple would?
If so, that wouldn't suggest a long term family elsewhere.

Since he started working away, what was the longest time that you spent together ie a holiday etc?

It must be awful to be questioning the last 12 years of your life. I've been with my dp for the same amount of time and it's crazy to have to start questioning every little thing that has happened.

TatianaLarina · 09/06/2019 14:45

It doesn’t sound from his movements that he’s got another family, but he may have an OW.

slashlover · 09/06/2019 14:46

I would go down the tracker route, he would never find out. To people saying just “move on” clearly they are living in cloud cuckoo land.

If a woman came on here and said her ex had put a tracker on her car EVERYONE would be telling her to go to the police.

EAIOU · 09/06/2019 14:46

Just rechecking for updates.

OP, he sounds awful. Cowardly.

To walk away after 12 years with no proper explanation. He knew he was going to finish with you and was putting it off.

I'd be angry too but it sounds like he wouldn't be bothered how sad/upset/ angry you get. He maybe mentally checked out a while ago.

I'm sorry you're having this trouble but he doesn't sound like a good man anyway.

Original poster
Closure · 09/06/2019 14:52

visibly and anchor Ive already searched births, marriages and deaths on ancestry.co.uk.

He has a fairly common first and surname. But there hasnt been any marriages for that name since 2005. That marriage was between two people living a further 50 miles from his parents. I searched them too and they both still live in that area according to 192.com and he has a directorship. I dont think its him. This person has a middle name and Ex doesnt have a middle name. Not on his passport.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/06/2019 14:59

I think I'd rule out him being married then. No traceable marriage certificate and his behaviour doesn't suggest he was. He may well have had an other woman, but even if you tracked him to her now, you'd never know if he was seeing her when he was seeing you or if he's met her since.

He doesn't sound like a good man. I'm sorry you're hurt Thanks

carrotflinger · 09/06/2019 14:59

He might have started a relationship with someone else in the last 4 years since he has been living and working away. Before that was he living with you all the time or were there a lot of long absences.

I'm not sure why you didn't question not meeting his family before. I do find that a bit strange. What was his explanation for not arranging for you to meet them? Surely he must have given a reason - eg, I'm non-contact with my father because XYZ. My sister lives in Australia. My brother cut himself off from the family in 1999. Or some such reason.

Original poster
Closure · 09/06/2019 15:00

Zoflorabore We lived together but he worked very long hours. He'd get up about 8 and be out the door and get back about 11. But I could go to his place of work. I never felt he wasnt there. It was just the job he had. He worked 7 days a week. We ended up going to relationship counselling together, I was worried about much he was working and how tired he was looking. The hours he worked caused rows because we couldnt plan things. I worked but he is a very proud man and your old school mentality of ' he is the provider and is failing if he doenst bring in a wage to cover the bills'

and I would say 3 days and nights consistently together.

Its the friends and family thing that they all say the same thing. I brushed it off at first. But Ex couldnt give me answers and I started thinking about all the times I felt uneasy or where gaps existed. When you put it together, it doesn't look good. Its the one thing that would explain all the coincidences and gaps.

OP posts:
Original poster
Closure · 09/06/2019 15:03

Carrot he said it was because he didnt have a good relationship with them. He never would elaborate. And i dont know why i never dug into that statement more.

Like what does 'not a good relationship mean?'
What made it not good?

You know when your talking to someone and you sense the walls have gone up and the conversation has ended. Thats how it always felt. So i never pushed it further. The sense i got from him was, 'dont push this'.

OP posts:
Spandang · 09/06/2019 15:06

Have you looked at companies house with regards to the business? You can search the business name or company officer, quite often it will give you other directors or secretaries, places the company is registered to...and quite often it’s linked to a spouse. Might be worth a try?

IrishGal21 · 09/06/2019 15:12

MN Private Dicktective Agency open for business.....there are a lot of ways you can just do your own research without getting yourself into trouble. I think most women would like to know exactly what the relationship was and what was really going on. He might not have any hidden OW etc or he may or other secrets. You need to do whatever you need to do to get closure or answers.

NannyRed · 09/06/2019 15:14

Did he have Facebook? Did he have you as a ‘friend’?

NannyRed · 09/06/2019 15:15

Have Christmas together? Holiday together?

lovebeingmum · 09/06/2019 15:22

My friend had a very similar scenario to this, her ex made similar excuses about not being able to spend time with her at special times such as Christmas / Valentine’s Day because of work. She paid for a more detailed 192 search and found his address. He was still very much married and had been a long time. She phoned his wife , who said he’d done this a number of times before.

Original poster
Closure · 09/06/2019 15:22

IrishGal any ideas welcomed.

Ive done companies house

Electoral roll

gained addresses of his parents and brother and sister and law (not that ill do anything with them, just needed to know they were real)

Found his brother and sister in law on linkedin and everything hes told me about them to do with careers fits. Even messaged them but no reply.

Nanny facebook searches. I cant find his family or him on facebook ( he always said he disliked social media lots and would never have it) I opened another facebook account in case he'd blocked me from seeing

I did say ive lost the plot. I feel much calmer after airing all this out of my head.

OP posts:
QueenBeex · 09/06/2019 15:27

I just read up to the part where youve stated youve been in the elationship for 12 years, but you've never met any family of his and that would be enough for me to think he's got a wife.

QueenBeex · 09/06/2019 15:29

relationship that should say.

I'm not surprised you feel like you've lost the plot op, this is a very strange situation.

HollowTalk · 09/06/2019 15:29

So if he had a poor relationship with his parents, why did he suddenly feel the need to spend Christmas Day with them for two years running? Nobody would expect their son to spend that day without his own partner.

IrishGal21 · 09/06/2019 15:34

I have sent you a PM :)

Original poster
Closure · 09/06/2019 15:34

Hollow his mum has developed dementia and his dads health is failing. For both years, he said he was worried it might be the last christmas he could have with them

OP posts:
Collaborate · 09/06/2019 15:36

If you start snooping electronically using trackers or listening devices AFAIK you're committing an offence. YANBU to want to know though.

OutInTheCountry · 09/06/2019 15:36

Hi Op, the person with the same name who was married and a company director, can you just call them to make sure it’s definitely not him or can you find him on LinkedIn or social media to rule him out?

As others have said I think the tracking device is a step too far but I would want answers too.