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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get closure by tracking?

115 replies

Closure · 09/06/2019 13:08

I recognise I may be loosing the plot. Or have already lost the plot.

Relationship for 12 years. Past 4 years has worked away approx 150miles, for a business.

Ive never met his family, no blood relatives. Friends yes.

We split 3 weeks ago. Since then my friends and family have come forward and everyone single one of them thinks he has had another family or there is someone else. Its been hard to hear but listening to them has made me question everything. Was I a mistress? Was somebody else a mistress? Does he have kids and a wife and thats why ive never met his family and why he was set against kids and marriage. I have two of my own that he's raised, since they were small.

Ive been googling private investigators and even spoke to two agencies. One i think is a con artist and the 2nd i couldnt afford the prices (not sure i would have gone through with anything but i dont know).
Then i've been on line and found I could get magnetic car trackers. Had one in the basket and almost hit the purchase button but I havent gone ahead.

I feel like im going mad. I dont recognise myself but I want to know if its all been a lie. I dont know how to process whats happened. What story do I tell myself.

a. its one of them things and it didn't work out and yes there were lots of questions but its something I'll never know

or
b. I was naive for 12 years and fell for every hook line and sinker and should be ashamed.

Be gentle please. Is it so wrong to want closure
b.

OP posts:
ZippyBungleandGeorge · 09/06/2019 14:16

The op has said he is registered at the flat attached to his business premises, so you'd assume that's where his looking card goes. The Christmas question is interesting though, I can't see anyone putting up with an absentee partner/father for eleven consecutive Christmases, unless it's only been happening more recently since he worked away and he's six he had to spend Christmas with the step children he raised for so long, and that OP is his ex (before she was)

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 09/06/2019 14:17

*polling

Original poster
Closure · 09/06/2019 14:18

Dippy children are now 17 and 19.
He's texting them. Eldest isnt responding. The youngest had a really good relationship with him.
I had the conversation with them. The 'he hasnt left them and will always be around if they need them etc'
He's not made arrangements to see them as far as I know. I figure they will tell me if they want me to know. they are young adults now.

But if my friends are right, I feel i need to intervene

OP posts:
PanamaPattie · 09/06/2019 14:20

Come on OP, you must have had your suspicions over the years. Your relationship was far from normal. I'm sorry it has ended. If you did find out who he really was, what would you do with the information?

Original poster
Closure · 09/06/2019 14:20

HMS No. He always had to get back to work. He micromanages and cant be away long as to save money, he fills one of his own key positions. Or so I always believed

OP posts:
Original poster
Closure · 09/06/2019 14:23

DDI seen his passport many times and its him. I havent searched comapanies house but when i googled his name originally, he was there as a director. On the 192 website. His address is listed as his business

OP posts:
Original poster
Closure · 09/06/2019 14:24

Panamapattie I dont know what i would do with the information

OP posts:
Hmmmbop · 09/06/2019 14:25

What about social media? How did you contact his brother?

This all sounds very fishy and he sounds emotionally/ psychologically abusive.

AguerosAngel · 09/06/2019 14:25

Gosh OP, no advice to give, I don’t know what I’d do in your situation, but just wanted to say you’re not stupid and if you do find out that anything untoward was going on then HE is the one who is at fault and not you love xx

GrimDamnFanjo · 09/06/2019 14:26

So about Xmas - did I read this right?
He'd be absent until Christmas Day Evening then leave on Boxing Day morning?
On a few occasions he'd be at his parents and you'd be unable to reach him?

What was the normal pattern of his time with you?
I'd be checking out his social media, perhaps the social media of his friends too?

Dippypippy1980 · 09/06/2019 14:26

It sounds like he was always a bit emotionally detached. Although at least he has contacted the kids.

It might not be a second family - but he might have met someone else.

You might never know.

At the age your children are I wouldn’t interfere in their relationship with him.

Your are in pain now, but this will get easier. Sounds like you are better off without him. Let him go.

ClareDanesDress · 09/06/2019 14:26

What he has or hasn’t done isn’t the point here. OP why have you chosen to so deliberately look the other way, for all these years?

chitofftheshovel · 09/06/2019 14:28

closure or the plot could thicken and he has more than one passport...

Original poster
Closure · 09/06/2019 14:29

Panama I was married to a Navy man for 10 years. He would be away for months. We had seperate and together lives.

For many years me and Ex lived together. It was just these past few years we hadnt. I know it want your run of th emill but the not living together felt the same as when my ex husband was in teh navy.

Looking back now with fresh eyes. Im fully aware it wasnt your run of the mill. It was normal and slowly became not normal and I can pin point when it wasnt

OP posts:
Original poster
Closure · 09/06/2019 14:30

Clare I dont have the answer to that. I started counselling last week and im sure this will be the stuff that will be covered

OP posts:
GrimDamnFanjo · 09/06/2019 14:32

You could sign up for ancestry.co.uk and search his name and dob for a marriage?

louise5754 · 09/06/2019 14:33

Di you or him have social media accounts? Does he know you put photos of him on there?

Imnotbent · 09/06/2019 14:33

What makes your friends think he had another family? They must have reasons and did they never raise this with you in 12 years?

Donneytrumpgal · 09/06/2019 14:33

That’s a very interesting response to the question about why you looked the other way.

Presumably if he hadn’t ended the relationship you would not face this at all.

Original poster
Closure · 09/06/2019 14:35

Grim he'd travel back christmas eve night, after finishing service. He would stay that night. Christmas day and then go back boxing day morning. So he could get set up for service again for the afternoon.

He'd ring and call, all the time. Just not reachable, those times he said he was with his parents but then he would make calls to me.

He's always been brilliant with phone calls when we havent been tgether. At least 6-7 times through the day. He'd worry if he couldn't get hold of me.

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 09/06/2019 14:36

Agree that you didn't bother to do any of this kind of detective work when you thought you had a relationship with him - one where he never spent Christmas Day with you - but the minute he ends it, suddenly you want to know everything?

Do not stalk him. Gather what is left of your dignity and walk away.

Original poster
Closure · 09/06/2019 14:36

I think thats why I always believed things were ok. We would speak so much when not together.

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 09/06/2019 14:36

Cross-post there, I see he did spend Christmas Day with you.

raisinsraisins · 09/06/2019 14:36

I think you do need to find out, however bad it might be, otherwise you will never have proper closure to be able to move on with your life.

I’d probably want to hire a private investigator as I don’t know how you’d put a tracking device on his car now you have split. Did you ever manage to look though his phone?

Original poster
Closure · 09/06/2019 14:37

Fairpoint chic

OP posts: