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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get closure by tracking?

115 replies

Closure · 09/06/2019 13:08

I recognise I may be loosing the plot. Or have already lost the plot.

Relationship for 12 years. Past 4 years has worked away approx 150miles, for a business.

Ive never met his family, no blood relatives. Friends yes.

We split 3 weeks ago. Since then my friends and family have come forward and everyone single one of them thinks he has had another family or there is someone else. Its been hard to hear but listening to them has made me question everything. Was I a mistress? Was somebody else a mistress? Does he have kids and a wife and thats why ive never met his family and why he was set against kids and marriage. I have two of my own that he's raised, since they were small.

Ive been googling private investigators and even spoke to two agencies. One i think is a con artist and the 2nd i couldnt afford the prices (not sure i would have gone through with anything but i dont know).
Then i've been on line and found I could get magnetic car trackers. Had one in the basket and almost hit the purchase button but I havent gone ahead.

I feel like im going mad. I dont recognise myself but I want to know if its all been a lie. I dont know how to process whats happened. What story do I tell myself.

a. its one of them things and it didn't work out and yes there were lots of questions but its something I'll never know

or
b. I was naive for 12 years and fell for every hook line and sinker and should be ashamed.

Be gentle please. Is it so wrong to want closure
b.

OP posts:

callmeadoctor · 09/06/2019 15:41

Where was his GP? Did he ever go to the doctors when he was with you? I know that if I were in your shoes, I would be desperate for more information (rightly or wrongly). I would be sorely tempted to send a message saying that I have an std and he needs to get himself checked (but I am like that!) or other revenge tactics!

lovebeingmum · 09/06/2019 15:41

Can you search for his stepchildren on the electoral role to fine the ex wife and see if someone of your ex’s name still lives with them?

Bluetrews25 · 09/06/2019 15:45

If you did put a tracker on his car, it can only tell you where he is. Not who he is with. So you wouldn't really be any wiser, would you? And you would risk getting into serious trouble when it is discovered. And how would you get it on his car when you have no reason to see him any more?
You are running the risk of getting into trouble for stalking.
Please discuss all of this with your counsellor.
Ultimately, he was not the one for you, your relationship had problems, and it is now over.
Aim to look forwards, not back.
Not easy right now, I know.

omione · 09/06/2019 16:06

This has just happened to a friend of mine, difference is she had a child withe told herh the guy. Nearly 10 years of being told by her family and friends that he had a family elsewhere but she belived every lie, we were wrong he didnt have a family elsewhere, He had TWO other families !

Walkaround · 09/06/2019 16:31

Well, tbh, Closure, it's very hard to believe with a relationship like that that your dh was not leading a secret other life. It's not even as though it was secret it was a secret - you never dared push him on it because you knew he didn't want to talk about it and you never tried to go and find out what kept him so unbelievably busy. In what way does it make your relationship a lie if you always accepted that secrets were a large part of said relationship? What are you worried his relationship with you was really about, if you are no longer confident it was about love and affection? And if he has another woman, why is it important to you whom he met first? I think you need to work out what you are really trying to find out and why, because I don't think the facts, whatever they are, will help you establish how he really felt about you for 12 years or why he behaved as he did.

Snog · 09/06/2019 16:47

Why not visit the Dad and ask him about it?

RebootYourEngine · 09/06/2019 16:54

Not sure if it's already been said but how far away are his family?

Juniperjunojunijune · 09/06/2019 17:33

Get the tracker!

And then come back and tell us what you find.

MrHaroldFry · 09/06/2019 19:01

It's awful and I'm so sorry you are going through this OP.
However, what you need to do now is look to the future, plan for a future minus him. I'm not certain that bringing any of this with you as you move forward will benefit you in any way. I can hear his desperate you are to connect the dots here, but what happens when the puzzle is complete? There is no going back, he says he doesn't feel any live for you. That would be enough for me to close the chapter and walk forward into my new reality,
It doesn't matter if he has another family or another 30 families. Your time together is over and you need to form your new life.
Love and light to you.

GarthFunkel · 09/06/2019 19:39

It sounds like you had 8 good years bit the past 4 are where it falls down, especially by Christmas 2017 which he spent elsewhere. So he could have had another relationship on the go by then, or simply be detaching from yours.

Could you try another PI?

Crunchymum · 09/06/2019 20:07

Having had 8 "good" years doesn't explain why you never met his family or friends????

ChicCroissant · 09/06/2019 20:32

Why not visit the Dad and ask him about it?

Really? Didn't bother to make any attempt at contact for 12 years but now it's essential to talk to his family

GabriellaMontez · 09/06/2019 20:41

Have you googled his mobile number? And fb searched his mobile?

carrotflinger · 09/06/2019 21:08

Have you facebook searched the friends of his you said you met? There might be something on those pages.

I would be searching for answers too.

I've asked him straight out and he swears there was and is no one else and that he doesn't know what changed
This is "the script". Some woman will turn up..... but fwiw, I don't think it sounds like he had someone for 12 years - maybe something has happened in the time where you have been living apart due to his work.
His family story is believable - also wanting to spend Christmas with them as he doesn't know how much time they have left - understandable that he might want to make amends.

TatianaLarina · 09/06/2019 21:54

Possibly, or he may have wanted to spend Christmas with his new woman.

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