To get closure by tracking?

[Closure]

I recognise I may be loosing the plot. Or have already lost the plot.

Relationship for 12 years. Past 4 years has worked away approx 150miles, for a business.

Ive never met his family, no blood relatives. Friends yes.

We split 3 weeks ago. Since then my friends and family have come forward and everyone single one of them thinks he has had another family or there is someone else. Its been hard to hear but listening to them has made me question everything. Was I a mistress? Was somebody else a mistress? Does he have kids and a wife and thats why ive never met his family and why he was set against kids and marriage. I have two of my own that he's raised, since they were small.

Ive been googling private investigators and even spoke to two agencies. One i think is a con artist and the 2nd i couldnt afford the prices (not sure i would have gone through with anything but i dont know).
Then i've been on line and found I could get magnetic car trackers. Had one in the basket and almost hit the purchase button but I havent gone ahead.

I feel like im going mad. I dont recognise myself but I want to know if its all been a lie. I dont know how to process whats happened. What story do I tell myself.

a. its one of them things and it didn't work out and yes there were lots of questions but its something I'll never know

or
b. I was naive for 12 years and fell for every hook line and sinker and should be ashamed.

Be gentle please. Is it so wrong to want closure
b.

children were his step children

Like today... You can either talk about your ex on here and spend your money on a tracker and all your energy trying to get to the bottom of it.

Or! You can go out, call your friends, take your kids to the cinema, have a bubble bath, buy a new top, order some new fancy bed linen, declutter your wardrobe, bake a cake, go for a drive, read a funny book...

Which one will make you feel better?

I've just looked online and it says you can view the electoral register at the town hall or any main library.

Where has he been meant to be living for the past 4 years? Have you ever been there?

Anyway, I feel like I’m just nagging you now so I’ll stop 😆 Hope you feel better soon. I’m decluttering my bedroom and it’s at that halfway stage where it looks like a bomb exploded 😂 so I’d better get off my arse.

Remember: he was the twat, not you.

Poor you ok. I would have to know but I wouldn't use trackers. Where is his place of work? Can you go and stay in a hotel near there for a night, leave kids with grandparents and discreetly follow him from work to see where he goes?

Hassodding Sorry to hear that. I can understand why you'd feel angry. Id be cross.

And I know your right. I can do that explanation, thank you. That makes sense and sounds normal

I would use trackers but would worry about being caught. I wouldn't pay for a private detective.

his parents are now elderly and he stayed with them christmas day this year. Caused alot of upset because he didnt want me there and said he needed the time with his family etc..

Can you just clarify if he spent the other 11 Xmases with you or his parents? If they were spent with you I really don’t think there’s another family.

Op you keep missing the questions about Christmas and voting? They would be the big giveaways here

OP, sorry for your grief. I am not sure closure can be obtained that easily - if you manage to unearth something, won’t you be eaten up by wondering why he did that to you? Talking yourself into acceptance of the uncertainty is more helpful in my experience. In a couple of years, you won’t care what he did or why, and you can speed up that healing process by distracting yourself.

Why are so many people advising the OP against doing anything because she’ll “look desperate and sad” or like a “woman scorned”?! This is madness. You really think she should just but 12 years of possible deceit down to bad luck and move on? I don’t believe for a second that anyone would do that if they found themselves in the same situation as the OP.

Of course you need to find out what was happening for all of these years. Of course he shouldn’t get away with it if you find out he was living a double life.

The fact that he had absolutely no post addressed to the house that you shared for 12 years is extremely suspicious.

Lizzie the first christmas he spent with his family.

The rest with us. As in christmas Day itself. He'd come home christmas night then go boxing day morning. (His business is in hospitality. I understood christmas was very busy time).

2017 he spent with his parents and 2018. Just the christmas days. I couldnt ring him through the day and he never answered texts in 2017. Which made me question things. We had rows. I ended up feeling bad for begrudging him time with his family.

I think following an ex from his work and putting a tracker on his car could get you in serious legal problems.

You excused his behaviour and accepted the oddness of the relationship before he left. You ignored red flags and I think it's too late for 'demanding' answers now the relationship is over. Your friends' should have told you their suspicions before you split up. Afterwards is really shit-stiring and I question their motives. Are they trying to do an I told you so?

Whatever his reasons it's clear that he kept you very financially separate from him. If it was another family for years, you would not have meet his friends or his business partner.

Now is the time to focus on you: why you had such low expectations of a long term relationship. Why all you friends and family disliked him and warned you about him but you made excuses. Why you ignored red flags of him not sharing financies after such a long time.

2018 christmas. i didnt ring or text. I waited for him to contact us.

Can you not just google his name or social media and see if anything pops up? You say he was made bankrupt a number of years ago, if you know the area, I am sure it is possible to check records , see if that throws up anything?
Part of me would want to leave it and move on, but the majority of me would want answers and then final closure .
He was a twat not you .

Wasn't a man prosecuted for putting a tracking device on his wife's car?

Oh come on, OP. Christmas Day with his parents and he can't make a phone call? Did you really believe he was doing that?

OP I can totally understand the need for answers. It sounds like he treated you and your children poorly and was never really ‘all in’.

I understand the anger at putting up with this for so long. But what difference will it make to know now. He may simply have wanted to keep you separate from his life for no other reason than he wanted to be able to leave when he wanted.

How involved was h in your children’s lives? Twelve year is a very long time - were they small when you got together, will he keep in contact with them?

Hollow he rang a few times. It didnt seem that other people were round when he rang. If I rang he didnt answer. He said it was because he was catching up with people and didnt have his phone on his person all day as it would be rude

I do not think you will find closure by discovering he had another hidden life, it would be like opening a can of worms. You are in shock and I can understand your need for answers at the moment. Really the best advice is to move on and live a good life putting it all behind you.

And did he vote? What about Brexit? That's something most of us have discussed?

You say he's not listed at his parents address so where is his polling card going?

I would go down the tracker route, he would never find out. To people saying just “move on” clearly they are living in cloud cuckoo land. You cant move on until you know exactly what has been going on, only that will give you closure of some sort, and only that will stop you torturing yourself. If a tracker isnt the answer, I am sure there will be another method. Sounds like he had another family, at the very least. There are some very odd people about.

Have you ever had holidays with him for more than a few days?