AIBU to say that I can’t do this right now...

[Molly564]

I know I probably am to some extent!

My best friend has been through a tough time of late and is getting married early next year.

I am one of 3 bridesmaids and will have a 17 month old at the time of the wedding.

I have just found out that we being asked to do bridesmaid things the day before the wedding and then have a meal and drinks in the evening and stay over (night before wedding)

All sounds great however this means leaving my LO for over 24 hours and overnight. Currently she’s never been left overnight or even looked after in an evening by anyone but my DH.

I know we do need to get the point where she can be left but I just don’t know what to say as I feel uncomfortable not being with her for that length of time and also I don’t know how she will settle without me.

AIBU to say I can’t stay over and just arrive Early on the morning of the wedding?

I know a lot of people who would probably love to stay away for the night.

One of the other bridesmaid’s has already left her DS who is 7 months for 2 nights to go on a hen do!

What do i say? DH isn’t very keen on the idea!

Do I just say I can be see how it goes?

One of the jobs you have to do as a parent is help your baby be confident, at times, without you. If you don't, then what happens if, heaven forbid, you are taken to hospital overnight, or called away to a sick relative? You'd be causing your child much more distress than if you gently start getting her used to you not always being there now.

I'm also confused by a father who isn't keen on looking after his own child for 24 hours. I was very poorly when my DS was between 4 months and 11 months and DH practically parented him on his own that whole time as I was physically unable, while holding down a job, and didn't complain once.

One of the jobs you have to do as a parent is help your baby be confident, at times, without you

As an older child, yes. As a baby, not really necessary no. Babies need support and love and research more and more shows that full on contact with a baby strengthens their confidence later on. The idea of getting a baby used to being alone in case of an emergency etc is very silly IMO, sorry.

I don't think anyone has said to not go at all, the suggestion was ducking out for an hour to feed the baby at bedtime and sleeping with the baby and DH to give a morning feed. Baby gets used to mummy not being there while it's secure with daddy, sees that mummy comes back so it can also safely, and also doesn't miss out on food. Easy. Attachment studies generally suggest short absences that build up to get a baby used to separation, a >24 hour absence is going to be a lot more challenging, probably for all babies but in particular for a baby that is used to having some breastmilk in that time.

Wouldn't be silly if it happened and the child was inconsolable because they'd never been left before though, would it?

That's a lot of hyperbole; the OP didn't say that she can't leave the baby to go up the road to the shops for an hour, she described a set of activities that would take 24 hours. My local hospital allows visitors; unless you have a contagious disease the baby would be able to go to the hospital to visit, in fact when DN was unwell DS visited, so I'm fairly sure they'd let him see his mum. Suggesting she must leave the baby overnight for a party in case she ends up in hospital is silly, either way the baby gets a night without mum but one of those situations is avoidable.

What’s funny is that so many mothers who say ‘I can’t ever go out in the evening because my toddler would never settle for anyone else’ are usually wrong, ime. Sometimes that’s exactly what they need, for mum to just go out and leave dad or whoever else to it. It’s never usually as catastrophic as they expect.

But then in crispy’s world breastfeeding means you can’t ever leave your child, ever ever. Apparently.

@MRex, fine, pick the specifics apart. I still think it's a good idea to help a young child know they can be fine without their mother, and teach them that she will come back. It's a parenting basic IMO but I think we'll continue to differ there.

I assume everyone on this thread, however, agrees that a father should be able to cope with said child for 24 hours!

It's a long way away yet, I would book it and think again in a few months

I bf both mine until over 2 but they were fine with DH for the odd few nights away The amount they feed at that age is very different to baby's current age as they are eating so much other stuff

Healthy for them to spend a night with their Dad so they are not so dependent on you; plus good for the Dad

Of course we all need to teach babies how to handle separation, if the OP said she couldn't be apart from the baby for a couple of hours at 17 months then that would be strange. It isn't a couple of hours though and it is overnight. It's much easier if we just deal with the actual scenario.

Of course fathers should be able to look after their child. My DH could have DS for 24 hours by himself, but he doesn't sleep well without his milk and won't have it in a cup, so neither of us would actually want him to at this stage. DH can look after the baby in every other way, but he lacks boobs.

I fed my eldest until he was 2 years 3 months and am still currently feeding my 19 month old. I returned to work after each of them turned 12/13 months. Occasionally I am required to be away overnight with work (generally once a month or so). DC1 in particular was a boob monster - uninterested in solid food until about 15 months. It was fine. DH managed brilliantly. In fact when I returned to work after DC2, he went part time while I returned full time, so he actually spends more time with them during the week than I do. Things will change a lot between now and next year.

Out of courtesy I would mention it to the bride that you're not sure you want to be away from your child the whole time but will see how you feel at the time. If she's a good friend she will understand. Is it a possibility for your DH to be at the venue too and you can pop out occasionally to see your DC?

But then in crispy’s world breastfeeding means you can’t ever leave your child, ever ever. Apparently.

Not ever, but for bedtime and overnight I couldn’t, no. Different during the day for goodness sake.

@MonocaGellerHyphenBing that’s my experience too with both my kids. They fuss and feed and I spend ages getting them to sleep but DH/aunt/GP does bedtime and they’re out like a light. Our childminder has got to the stage where she just puts DD in the cot after lunch and she goes to sleep instantaneously. Will she do that for me? Of course she bloody won’t