AIBU to say that I can’t do this right now...

[Molly564]

I know I probably am to some extent!

My best friend has been through a tough time of late and is getting married early next year.

I am one of 3 bridesmaids and will have a 17 month old at the time of the wedding.

I have just found out that we being asked to do bridesmaid things the day before the wedding and then have a meal and drinks in the evening and stay over (night before wedding)

All sounds great however this means leaving my LO for over 24 hours and overnight. Currently she’s never been left overnight or even looked after in an evening by anyone but my DH.

I know we do need to get the point where she can be left but I just don’t know what to say as I feel uncomfortable not being with her for that length of time and also I don’t know how she will settle without me.

AIBU to say I can’t stay over and just arrive Early on the morning of the wedding?

I know a lot of people who would probably love to stay away for the night.

One of the other bridesmaid’s has already left her DS who is 7 months for 2 nights to go on a hen do!

What do i say? DH isn’t very keen on the idea!

Do I just say I can be see how it goes?

17m old?! I think you can safely just leave dh to it for one night OP. Christ.

It’s really up to you OP but personally I wouldn’t have an issue.
I bf my first until he was over 2 and managed the odd night away without any issue (it was bliss!!). I’m currently still bf my 18month old and left her for 3 nights (age 16months) with my parents. I expressed 2x while away but no issues with supply coming back. She was fine with milk out a cup (no point in bottle feeding a breastfed baby at that age unless they are already familiar with a bottle imo). My first especially was a big night feeder as he had reflux but he was still fine being left for the odd overnight.
Both used to sleep better away from me in fact, as the temptation of night feeds wasn’t there.
I really enjoy having the odd night away. I think it’s really good to have time with friends and for yourself , and to have part of your identity that isn’t just focused on being a mum.

One of the other bridesmaid’s has already left her DS who is 7 months for 2 nights to go on a hen do!

Please explain what your problem with this is.

It's funny, I didnt read that comment re other bridesmaid as being a judgement. Maybe that instant assuming the worst of what someone says/ being instantly defensive is where a lot of disagreements come from on MN!

I totally read that comment as OP being worried that others were able to do things that she didn't feel she could, ie she felt that she SHOULD be able to leave her toddler, as other were "more" able to

Who knows, maybe I'm wrong. It's just the kind of thing I'd have said and thought

OP, I was full of worry about such things and my bottle refusing baby was a tricky one! But at 18 months now, those days feel like a lifetime away, he had changed so much. I think chances are things will be totally fine

Gosh you’d be appalled at me OP. I left my son for 2 nights to go to my best friend’s hen do when he was about 8 weeks old. He was fine with his dad, I expressed loads of milk in advance and continued to breastfeed him for almost two years. I assume the toddler will be mainly on solids by 17 months? Could you take a breast pump to relieve any discomfort?

I don't like the current tendency of brides to expect a ridiculous level of dancing of attendance.

Being there the previous day is not "a ridiculous level of dancing to attendance", it's absolutely standard for the wedding party to be doing things the afternoon and night before. I don't think I've been involved in a wedding where this didn't happen.

To be honest I would be upset if one of my best friends couldn't be away from her 17 month old for one night for my wedding (my best friend actually did a week away from
her 8/9 month old who had been born prematurely for mine (abroad), everyone was fine and a great time had by all. No harm is going to come to your toddler staying with your DP, so it is just your separation anxiety that is an issue here. And I think if you can't deal with that, so far ahead, for your best friend's wedding then tbh YAB a bit U!

I’m very unimpressed that your husband “isn’t keen on the idea”.

What a dick!

You are allowed to not want to leave a 17 month old. We can all tell you that if this is your first, then I’d say that most women are fine with it by 17 months, so it’s very likely you will be too. But you don’t have to be, when the time comes. Doesn’t make you wrong.

But the only thing your husband should be saying right now, is that whatever you decide he will back you all the way.

Not some lame, unsupportive, lazy arsed shit about not being keen

FWIW from 13 months I was leaving mine for 2-3 nights at a time twice a month because of work. Continued to breastfeed for over a year doing that.

@TheLetterOfTheLawTheLetter I read it that way too, that she would be judged for wanting to stay with her baby because others were comfortable leaving theirs.
OP I didn’t leave my DS overnight till he was over 2, my choice as he stopped bf at 16 months, but that’s because I didn’t want to.
If the bride is a good friend she should understand, but as others have said maybe ask if you can decide closer to the time as things may have changed by then.

People get so ridiculously defensive about this! Even if you BF and feel comfortable - some others might not! If a baby is used to being left it’s different - if a baby is used to being BF to sleep and never has variation then of course they won’t like it and the mother might not want to leave. And no one should feel pressured into that.

MonicaGellerHyphenBing

Eh? Where is my implication that you (or I, or the OP for that matter) deserve a prize for BF? My point is just that some babies use the nipple as a dummy. Mine certainly does. If I wasn’t there to BF him to sleep and back again when he woke up it would be the equivalent of suddenly removing a dummy from another baby one night. He would be hysterical. I’ve just had to accept that one of the trade offs for BF is I can’t go out at night and won’t for however long 🤷🏻‍♀️ Sounds like the OP is in a similar position and her friends should respect that / I certainly wouldn’t upset my baby or change our entire system for one evening and OP shouldn’t feel the need to either (unless she wants to! Which of course would be fine too).

ILikeyourHairyHands

Please explain the part of my post you found to be judgy.

In an average family set up there is absolutely no need to be welded to your baby.

I’ve struggled to leave my babies at that age because all four of them have unfortunately been still feeding quite a bit through the night at that age (cosleeping)

Despite the struggle, I did leave number two with his dad for a night st 18 months and number four with his dad at about 19 months and both were absolutely fine. I worried for weeks and weeks beforehand but neither were situations I could avoid so I just had to do it. Honestly they barely noticed I was gone. Worst case scenario is the baby cries a bit and your husband has to get up and stick CBeebies on at 3am and make some warm milk. It’s only one night.

crispy I wasn’t keen on your implication that all the posters telling the OP to get a bit of a grip couldn’t possibly understand because they didn’t bf past a year like you.

If the OP doesn’t want to go then she just shouldn’t go, sounds like a storm in a teacup to me given how far away in advance it is.

crispysausagerolls i breastfed all three of mine to well past 1 and would leave them all overnight occasionally by this age. It's nothing to do with bfeeding. If the OP chooses not to go that's fine obviously but suggesting that it shows she's more bonded to her baby than other mums who don't breastfeed or dont do it beyond a year is rude. It's also false. Leaving your toddler for a night doesn't mean you haven't bonded with them as much as those who can't do it. We are all different.

I personally would try and do this for my friend. You have months to get your baby comfortable with being put to bed by daddy. Your child won't remember even if the night is disastrous and it would mean loads to your friend to be there.

You haven't answered those of us who are wondering what kind of father isn't keen on the idea of looking after his own child.

I think you're conflating issues crispy, I BF, DS is just over six months, I intend to carry on at long as I can I've got no reason to think I won't still be feeding him at 17 months. The reason some people (like me) are suggesting that DH and DC could stay at the same hotel is that OP could nip back for feeding. I BF every night before bed and I do 90% of the settling to sleep, but I've also had to make sure that DS will settle for DH, partly because he is also a parent and partly because my back is prone to giving out, so it'd be no good if only being held by me would get him to sleep. There are more than two options, it's not just BF, co-sleep and never leave your child for more than an hour or give a bottle, shove a dummy in their mouth and palm them off from a few weeks old. Lots of people are suggesting reasonable compromise, it's patronising to assume people 'don't understand what is like to BF'

If you don’t want to stay overnight then don’t. I’m supposed to be staying overnight with some mates in October and I don’t want to leave my DS who will be nearly 4. I may be a weirdo but I don’t care. Equally I wouldn’t judge someone who took a different view. Each to their own.

I was BF morning night and comfort feeding when DC was 10 months old. She self weaned when she was 13 months. I was sad because I loved the closeness but it was the right time for her. It was also a massive relief as the world opened up for me again. Don’t make a decision for 6 months time OP, based on how your life is now.

YABU

One of the other bridesmaid’s has already left her DS who is 7 months for 2 nights to go on a hen do!
So?
Why are you so judgemental of this other woman?

DH isn’t very keen on the idea!
Any man who is unable or unwilling to parent his own child for 24 hours is not fit to be called a parent.

I know this is AIBU, but there are some really unkind posts.

I just don’t know what to say as I feel uncomfortable not being with her for that length of time and also I don’t know how she will settle without me.

You're not wrong to feel uncomfortable being away from your child. I would have been uncomfortable leaving my DC so long at that age. Now my eldest is 20 I happily don't see him for months at a
time.

Say you'll go, then see how you feel never the time.

I am really not being patronising or judgemental - surprised it’s coming across that way. Of course people won’t understand due to the BF stats in this country, very few women do it. All of my NCT bottle fed and used a dummy (stating a fact - NOT JUDGING) and they are always baffled by how much time I have to spend feeding DS to sleep in our bed etc etc and that he’s still co sleeping. I have not said ANYTHING about bonding or otherwise - I am literally just saying if you remove the source of comfort from a baby - could be the mother or could be a dummy, whatever - randomly, they would almost certainly be distressed. What is the issue with pointing that out?

Yes, an excellent solution is for them to stay at the hotel so OP can nip back to the room. My point is just she should not feel pressurised - so many posters on this are belittling the OP and acting like she is unusual or weird for not wanting to leave her child ffs.

I have never spent a night away from my DC and they are 2.5yo. Some in my NCT group were going for weekends away at 6m. Now personally I find that really weird. I don't understand the obsession with wanting to get away from DC overnight. So I understand why OP mentioned the bridesmaid who did that at 7m. It's down to personal choice ultimately and let's be realistic, other people's personal choices are quite baffling at times.

These threads are always the same, a group of people trying to harangue the OP into leaving her DC when she doesn't want to, while most people agree it's personal choice and there's no right or wrong.

I’m guessing your friend who left their 7 month old wasn’t breastfeeding?

I totally get why you’re anxious about leaving your baby. Breastfeeding makes it quite difficult to be apart. I first left my daughter overnight when she was about 17 months old and I felt incredibly guilty. She missed me a lot and asked for me constantly but she survived and there was no harm done.

Some babies (mine included) are VERY attached to their mothers and leaving them can be very difficult. There are a lot a dismissive comments on here from people who seem to think leaving your children for prolonged periods is totally fine but their children obviously have very different personalities.

user1480880826 and preggosaurus

Yes!!!!!! Thank you!

Predicable that this would turn competition one way or the other.

As you can see from the diverse range of answers OP, you do what's best for your family.