Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say that I can’t do this right now...

137 replies

Molly564 · 08/06/2019 16:19

I know I probably am to some extent!

My best friend has been through a tough time of late and is getting married early next year.

I am one of 3 bridesmaids and will have a 17 month old at the time of the wedding.

I have just found out that we being asked to do bridesmaid things the day before the wedding and then have a meal and drinks in the evening and stay over (night before wedding)

All sounds great however this means leaving my LO for over 24 hours and overnight. Currently she’s never been left overnight or even looked after in an evening by anyone but my DH.

I know we do need to get the point where she can be left but I just don’t know what to say as I feel uncomfortable not being with her for that length of time and also I don’t know how she will settle without me.

AIBU to say I can’t stay over and just arrive Early on the morning of the wedding?

I know a lot of people who would probably love to stay away for the night.

One of the other bridesmaid’s has already left her DS who is 7 months for 2 nights to go on a hen do!

What do i say? DH isn’t very keen on the idea!

Do I just say I can be see how it goes?

OP posts:
Runnerjellybean · 09/06/2019 07:36

I don't think there's anything wrong with you not wanting to leave your 17 month overnight.

And I didn't get that OP was being Judgy saying about the user bridesmaid, I thought she meant that they all would think she was being overprotective or wouldn't understand why she wouldn't want to leave her 17 month old, as one if them was happy leaving her 7 month old for 2 nights so why can't OP leave a 17 month old. Perhaps I read it wrong though

Bananallama858 · 09/06/2019 07:42

I don’t think she’s judging the other mum who went on a hen do, I think she’s jealous that she doesn’t feel like she can.

See how you feel nearer the time, I’m sure your toddler would love some quality time with her dad too.

NameChangerAmI · 09/06/2019 07:47

You are BU and a bit precious.

If she'll be 17 months old at the time of the wedding, are you hoping that she'll still be bf by then?

Maybe use this a reason to aim for her not to be bf a month or so before the wedding?

You sound a bit clingy, and a clingy mum is not great for any child.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, OP.

pictish · 09/06/2019 07:55

Like others say, you’re basing your feelings on how your baby is now...I can assure you your perspective shifts as your baby develops. You are quite likely to feel differently by the time this event rolls around.

I don’t want to argue with those who tell you that you don’t need to leave your child until you’re ready because of course, they are right.
However, my personal feeling is that it’s far healthier to be comfortable with leaving your child with their father overnight to go do something else instead. All this anxiety isn’t necessary and probably shouldn’t be encouraged.

GPatz · 09/06/2019 07:58

'Maybe use this a reason to aim for her not to be bf a month or so before the wedding'

Or you could stop BF whenever your LO is ready.

Hammondisback · 09/06/2019 08:04

I think you need to be honest with your friend. Tell her how you feel, that some people may not think it’s rational, but it’s how YOU feel about YOUR child. Explain that you’ve been feeling anxious and you want to be able to be a support to her and enjoy her day without anxiety. Apologise, smile and say you’ll get there really early on the morning of the wedding.

jackio2205 · 09/06/2019 08:12

Its so individual, you have to do whats right for you so use this thread for ideas, dont let it feel that people are judging, it's your decision hun.

Me personally, i'd start prepping for the wedding, so i'd start asking grandparents to take her for the night so u both get used to it before the wedding, get comfortable waaaay ahead of time so u get to enjoy yourself with your friends (they were here before baby, give them some of ur dedicated time, you'll really enjoy yourself).
She does need to start learning to be away from you and also at over a year, i think there'd be a lot more arguments for not breastfeeding anymore as she'll be eating properly, so really I think it comes down to a mindset and I think at 17months, you can do without being with her for a day and breastfeeding, let other people build their relationship with her, kids being so much joy, im sure lots of her family would love to have her! X

FrankT · 09/06/2019 08:21

Obviously it's up to you but 17 months is absolutely old enough to be without you for 24 hours. Especially if she'll be with her dad.

Lamazedragon · 09/06/2019 08:55

YANBU. I understand why you mention that the other friend has left her baby over night already, you are worried your friends won't understand you not wanting to leave your toddler. I would say it doesn't matter what other people think is OK to do, if you're not happy about being apart overnight then that's fine, you should do what you feel happy with. I can see that leaving a breastfed toddler overnight would not be easy for mum, dad or toddler. You could always tell the bride you would like to stay but will have to see how things are with sleep closer to the time.

BettysLeftTentacle · 09/06/2019 09:04

Look OP, there’s no right answer here, it’s entirely up to you. I think the best you can do is tell the bride that you’ll have to give her answer to staying over nearer the time. It is true though, that at 17 months old, they don’t seem to be much of a baby anymore and that may well sway your thinking when you get there. This is coming from the full time working mother of an 16 month old, who is desperate for a night off Wink

BettysLeftTentacle · 09/06/2019 09:07

So that’s meant to be a full time working mother of a EBF 16 month old. And I mention full time working due to the fact that said 16 month old obviously doesn’t bat an eyelid about not BF when I’m not with her. Just in case the perpetually offended are triggered.....

MRex · 09/06/2019 09:19

I have a 15 month old who's still breastfeeding. They're all very different are this age, my experience and that of a few friends who are still breastfeeding are quite similar. He does still feed in the daytime and at night (particularly when he's poorly, so if it's a winter wedding that can be a struggle). While the night gaps are getting longer he does need milk in the evening to get to sleep. He's fine during the occasional daytime and evenings with just his dad, but he never sleeps properly until he's had that evening milk so I always make sure I'm around for bedtime even if I'm out before or afterwards. He barely touches expressed milk in a cup, bottle or anything else, even though he used to drink it just fine, TBH it seems he just finds it confusing and is better with water and solids. So, no way would I leave him for the day and an overnight in 2 months time, he would live but he would be unhappy and wouldn't have enough milk that day to be healthy. The solution we would go for would be DH staying at the hotel, or at an AirBNB nearby (so he can watch TV, eat and relax in a separate room) so that I can nip back for an hour or so for cuddles and a feed before sleep, plus to give DH a small break, then I would go back there to sleep at night.

Ignore the professionally offended with your comment on the other bridesmaid, it was very obvious you were saying you were worried the group won't understand because you have an older child that you aren't happy to leave. Everyone is different and you really don't have to leave your child just because it works for someone else to leave theirs. Sometimes you have to just work out a compromise, then explain how it is for you and what your plan is to try to meet everyone's needs. If your friend isn't happy with a compromise then she isn't much of a friend.

crispysausagerolls · 09/06/2019 10:25

LOL at the people suggesting you should use this as a reason to stop BF. Just fucking LOL. What morons.

NameChangerAmI · 09/06/2019 10:26

crispysausagerolls just cause you have a different view to me and others, doesn't make me a moron! Hmm

crispysausagerolls · 09/06/2019 10:39

Why would someone stop doing something they and their child enjoy, which is recommended for 2 years for maximum health benefits - for a fucking party?! 😂😂😂😂😂

MRex · 09/06/2019 10:44

@crispysausagerolls was making a fair point even though the terminology isn't appropriate. Suggesting OP should use a wedding as an "opportunity" to give up breastfeeding is ridiculous and inappropriate. I don't think I'll ever understand why some women are so against other women using their boobs for their natural purpose, there must be some psychological issues getting in the way. You should do what works for you, but don't interfere with others who are doing what works for them.

SlackerMum1 · 09/06/2019 11:37

Wow there’s quite a lot of dramatics going on here. 6-9 months is a hell of a long time in baby land. You may or may not still be breastfeeding, and whether you are or not, you may or may not be happy to leave DC overnight. Presumably there is no need to make a final decision now?! All most people are saying is wait and see how you feel closer to the time - don’t see what the panic is about.

ElizaPancakes · 09/06/2019 11:53

@MRex don’t be so ridiculous.

No one is ‘so against other women using their boobs for their natural purpose’, it’s just that some people recognise that a child of 18 months is not going to suffer by stopping breastfeeding and that it’s perfectly reasonable to say actually you want a bit more freedom from your child at that age.

There’s a difference between I can’t and I don’t want to, it’s fine to not want to drop breastfeed but it doesn’t mean you can’t!

MRex · 09/06/2019 12:03

Of course it's fine to say that YOU "want a bit more freedom from your child at that age", what's not appropriate is suggesting that there is an issue with OP not wanting that, because it's her life not yours. What's much worse though is suggesting that she should give up breastfeeding a few months before to go to a party. The only reason someone can have for suggesting that in this circumstance is that they are anti-breastfeeding due to their own psychological issues. So that poster should be called out on it because they're being ridiculous. Do you actually think it's reasonable to tell OP to give up breastfeeding entirely for no reason other than a night out at her friend's wedding? Really?

ElizaPancakes · 09/06/2019 12:45

I was taking issue with I don't think I'll ever understand why some women are so against other women using their boobs for their natural purpose, there must be some psychological issues getting in the way which didn’t seem to be directed at that singular poster tbh.

And actually, any reason is fine to give up breastfeeding IMO. OP can and obviously will make up her own mind. PS I breastfed till 14 months then weaned by baby off as I was working full time and getting no sleep. I’m not against breastfeeding I’m against women feeling the only reason to stop should be because the baby does.

MRex · 09/06/2019 13:10

I was directly referring to other comments, I don't understand how you got confused?

ElizaPancakes · 09/06/2019 13:32

Well cba explaining it in words with fewer syllables.

If I upset you and misunderstood I apologise.

MRex · 09/06/2019 13:41

Apology accepted.

NameChangerAmI · 09/06/2019 13:45

MRex

*Suggesting OP should use a wedding as an "opportunity" to give up breastfeeding is ridiculous and inappropriate. I don't think I'll ever understand why some women are so against other women using their boobs for their natural purpose, there must be some psychological issues getting in the way. You should do what works for you, but don't interfere with others who are doing what works for them.

*I've breast fed all 4 of my DCs and loved it. My post wasn't worded very well, and apologies for that and any upset caused.

OP, your child will be 17 months old, I just don't think it's great to be one of those mums who can't bear to leave their child over night with its father.

A new born yes, but at 17 months, your DC is nearer to a toddler than a babe in arms.

I meant that the wedding could be something to aim for, that was all, so that the OP could then have the freedom to have a night away from her DC without feeling torn, guilty and that it was an impossible thing to do.

If that OP is opposed to that, and wants to carry on, then of course it's her business, not mine.

But, the OP did come on AIBU, and the purpose of that it surely, to get a wide range of views about the issues she's raising, then to pick the options she's happiest with.

Some mothers carry on bfeeding so that they can't possibly leave their DC, it's not healthy, and this might not be the case for OP. Some mothers use breastfeeding as an emotional crutch for themselves.

This may be way off the mark for you, OP, and I'm sure it is, but it does happen, and it's in no one's best interests IMO.

ToTheMoonAndBack78 · 09/06/2019 13:58

Do what works for you. And what suits you. Mine are 6&5 yrs old, and I still worry if staying away for a night. The longest I've been away is two nights. And I couldn't wait to get back to them. There is no right or wrong. You are the parent you make the decision. And any friend worth their weight will understand that. You may feel differently nearer the time, but don't stress about it. As long as you are at the wedding I wouldn't worry too much XX