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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say that I can’t do this right now...

137 replies

Molly564 · 08/06/2019 16:19

I know I probably am to some extent!

My best friend has been through a tough time of late and is getting married early next year.

I am one of 3 bridesmaids and will have a 17 month old at the time of the wedding.

I have just found out that we being asked to do bridesmaid things the day before the wedding and then have a meal and drinks in the evening and stay over (night before wedding)

All sounds great however this means leaving my LO for over 24 hours and overnight. Currently she’s never been left overnight or even looked after in an evening by anyone but my DH.

I know we do need to get the point where she can be left but I just don’t know what to say as I feel uncomfortable not being with her for that length of time and also I don’t know how she will settle without me.

AIBU to say I can’t stay over and just arrive Early on the morning of the wedding?

I know a lot of people who would probably love to stay away for the night.

One of the other bridesmaid’s has already left her DS who is 7 months for 2 nights to go on a hen do!

What do i say? DH isn’t very keen on the idea!

Do I just say I can be see how it goes?

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 08/06/2019 16:59

I can't see why the bride would have a problem with you turning up in the early morning

However this is also true, although it is nice having dinner and drinks and staying over.

Tigger001 · 08/06/2019 17:01

Surely your friend will understand, so you just have the meal and drinks then head home and return first thing in the morning or am I missing something ?

Tigger001 · 08/06/2019 17:04

But you may change your mind by then, so just tell her you might stay or might not, will let her know nearer the time. Pay for your own hotel booking so if you change your mind your not costing her anything

Drum2018 · 08/06/2019 17:04

You have been given lots of notice. It's about 6 months away so plenty of time to get your dd used to spending a few hours alone with her dad. Why is Dh not keen? Does he not want to mind his own child for a night? Surely he can manage. I think you are overthinking it.

Your comment about the other bridesmaid is odd. Lots of woman manage to take a break away and the dad's stay home to look after kids. It's not unusual.

Xmas2020 · 08/06/2019 17:08

I think Yabu, its your friends wedding, you are a Bridesmaid, your little one will be fine away from you for one night.

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 08/06/2019 17:09

I agree that you are worrying prematurely. 6/7 months is a long time in the life of a child and the new mum. I think you might feel very differently when the time comes.

If not, come home late at night and go back early the next morning. It might be a faff and an expense but for your BF, surely it’s worth it. Or have your DH and the baby secretly stay at a hotel just down the road so you can sneak out to join them when everyone else is in bed . You could book that now on Bookings.com and cancel it nearer the time if you feel differently then.

But as for DH not being keen on the idea! What is he worried about? Does he not like you going out with your mates? Or is he worried about being in sole charge? Did he think the child would be at uni before he had to be alone with her?

MammaMia19 · 08/06/2019 17:10

I don’t see why you can’t leave him with his dad. I left my ds with his dad for 4 days when he was 2 months old for my best friends hen weekend. It was fine. His dad is a parent too! Me and ex broke up when he was a year old so the kids go to his every weekend and they are also fine!
Maybe have a practise night away or night out to see how things go but I think you should do it, it’s still important to be your own person and do these things

KOKOtiltomorrow · 08/06/2019 17:11

YABU. That is all.

MyInnerAlto · 08/06/2019 17:11

On the one hand, what PurpleArtichoke said about nobody having the right to pressure you to be away from your child before you are ready. I dislike this enforced idea that mothers should be having 'nights out' or being away from their children overnight if they don't want to. OTOH, why is your dh not keen? Is your anxiety about being away from her coming from a concern that he can't/won't handle it well?

FWIW, I was away from mine overnight (all bf for quite a while and definitely still bf at night at 17 months) at nearly 2-ish, I think. It was fine. But it was always my decision to make as to whether and when I felt comfortable with it. I don't like the current tendency of brides to expect a ridiculous level of dancing of attendance.

Notabedofroses · 08/06/2019 17:21

I didn’t leave my babies either overnight, even though dh is super competent. If you feel uncomfortable then don’t do it.
Tell the bride you will meet her in the morning. It’s abut much for her to expect you to be available for the day and night before, as well as the wedding day if you have children.
Toddlers tend to get separation anxiety at 17 months plus, so it might be harder to leave her then, not easier.
My children have grown up fiercely independent. A loving secure start in life is no bad thing. Don’t feel bad for doing what is right for you and dd.

Olivebrach · 08/06/2019 17:22

I wouldnt wanna leave my breastfed DS at 17 months for 24 hours either OP. Nothing weird about that.

Everyone is different... and its all ok...

bridgetreilly · 08/06/2019 17:32

Plan to do it, and if you need to make some adjustments to the arrangements nearer the time, worry about that then. But don't say no now, because in all likelihood, by next year it'll be completely obvious that this is fine.

Teaandchocolatecake · 08/06/2019 17:38

Being honest I would be understanding but upset with a friend if they weren’t prepared to leave their toddler with their dad for the night. It’s a one off event and you’re obviously a big part of it! If you went home after the meal and then went back to get ready the next morning then you won’t see much of your child anyway as presumably they’ll be asleep!

That said, it’s choice of course and you shouldn’t feel pressured but I don’t get why your DH is not keen?

NoSquirrels · 08/06/2019 17:47

Would you be staying in the same hotel for the wedding? If so, book the room for 2 nights, DH stays over with your DD, so you can breastfeed before bed, he can stay with her in the hotel room and you have a relaxed morning of the wedding.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 08/06/2019 17:54

Can't DH come to the hotel and stay in the room with you? That way you're on hand should she need anything urgently and overnight. I'm not one to hand my baby off on a whim but I'd hope by 17 months I'd be ok with him being with his father overnight. She'll be asleep for a lot of it, they might even have a nice time just the two of them for a change.

OliviaBenson · 08/06/2019 18:03

I would be really upset at this. It's not a babe in arms it's a toddler and your DH will be the one looking after her.

The suggestions of them staying at the same hotel seem a good compromise.

CameraTime · 08/06/2019 18:47

With DS, I was really worried about settling him to sleep and how he'd cope if I wasn't there. I didn't have a night away from him until he was over 2.

Then DD came along, and I was feeling the same, thought she'd never cope. But DS was taken into hospital suddenly and she had to go to my parents... and she was absolutely fine! Slept like a log, had a ball for 4 days.

You may find that you feel differently by the time the event rolls round, is what I'm saying.

But if not, don't be pressured into doing something you're uncomfortable with.

Notabedofroses · 08/06/2019 18:56

olivia do you not think you sound entitled?
You would be upset because a mother didn’t want to leave her child overnight? Since when is it more important to please others, than following our own parenting values.
You sound like serious hard work.
My friends do what works for them, not what they are force/guilted into.

SilverySurfer · 08/06/2019 19:20

Why not have a few trial runs before the wedding - even if not overnight, you could go out with friends for the evening and it may help your DH feel more confident?

lentilslentilseverywhere · 08/06/2019 19:24

Some really nasty comments on here. Op, you have a great bond with your daughter and you have her best interests at heart. It is normal for her to want mum more than dad - the two parents are not equal as it is mum that grows the baby, and in your case you are also feeding her, which is not just food it is also comfort. If you think she is not ready to be away from you for that long, listen to your instincts and do what is right for your baby. Don't be pressured into leaving her just because other people do and it seems 'normal'.

ElizaPancakes · 08/06/2019 19:29

Huh. This has just reminded me I went to a wedding and stayed overnight when my twins were 5 months old.

I assume I agonised over going or not. I certainly don’t remember now and they definitely don’t, ten years later!

Pinkvoid · 08/06/2019 19:31

At 17months I would feel comfortable leaving toddler with DH, 7 months and you’d have a point. I think you’re trying to find an excuse not to stay over. It’s fine not to want to do it, just be honest.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/06/2019 19:36

One of the other bridesmaid’s has already left her DS who is 7 months for 2 nights to go on a hen do!

What's your point here?

Love51 · 08/06/2019 19:41

I wouldn't have wanted to be away from mine at that age. With the first I would have been quite pregnant. With my second I still wouldn't have wanted to leave him, although he was less milk dependent than PFB. I didn't leave mine for years, it hasn't caused them or me any issues. Equally my friend has been leaving hers from only a few months (single parent since pregnancy) - they are very close and emotionally stable. Basically, do what feels right, don't feel guilty, and don't judge people who make different decisions to you.

Nonnymum · 08/06/2019 19:46

If you don't want to leave her then don't. You shouldn't feel guilty at all. Just do what you feel comfortable with. You can still be a great bridesmaid on the day. And just because someone else feels comfortable leaving their baby it doesn't mean you have to. We are all different just as all babies are different.