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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say that I can’t do this right now...

137 replies

Molly564 · 08/06/2019 16:19

I know I probably am to some extent!

My best friend has been through a tough time of late and is getting married early next year.

I am one of 3 bridesmaids and will have a 17 month old at the time of the wedding.

I have just found out that we being asked to do bridesmaid things the day before the wedding and then have a meal and drinks in the evening and stay over (night before wedding)

All sounds great however this means leaving my LO for over 24 hours and overnight. Currently she’s never been left overnight or even looked after in an evening by anyone but my DH.

I know we do need to get the point where she can be left but I just don’t know what to say as I feel uncomfortable not being with her for that length of time and also I don’t know how she will settle without me.

AIBU to say I can’t stay over and just arrive Early on the morning of the wedding?

I know a lot of people who would probably love to stay away for the night.

One of the other bridesmaid’s has already left her DS who is 7 months for 2 nights to go on a hen do!

What do i say? DH isn’t very keen on the idea!

Do I just say I can be see how it goes?

OP posts:

Nonnymum · 08/06/2019 19:49

And i do t think you were bei g judgemental at all about the other mother who left her baby for 2 nights I thought you were feeling bad about yourself because you don't feel comfortable doing it and thinking that others would expect you to do too.

Lazypuppy · 08/06/2019 19:52

One of the other bridesmaid’s has already left her DS who is 7 months for 2 nights to go on a hen do!

Judgy or what! I don't see a problem with this.

YABU

Nonnymum · 08/06/2019 19:53

That should say I don't think you were being judgemental about the other mother

janetforpresident · 08/06/2019 20:02

It is your decision whether you go but fwiw I think it will be nice for you after 17 months to have a night to yourself without childcare duties and night feeds.

The most worrying thing about your post is that your DH isn't keen to care for his own daughter overnight!?

LynetteScavo · 08/06/2019 20:03

I get it OP.

I also know what you mean about one of the other bridesmaids leaving they're younger baby...she won't understand your hesitation.

But there's quite a bit of time before the event. Your baby will be older and gut feeling that you can't leave them might not be so intense.

avalanching · 08/06/2019 20:05

YABU, she's 17 months.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 08/06/2019 20:07

Stop being so judgemental about the other bridesmaid. Many women are going back to work then and have to leave their babies as they are away a few nights for work.

ThePerturbedPenguin · 08/06/2019 20:08

Why is your DH not keen? Does he not want to deal with her?

LIZS · 08/06/2019 20:08

A 17 month old is very different to an unweaned baby. Statistically you are far less likely to be breastfeeding by then , and even if so just a few feeds a day. Could your dh and dc stay at same place night before if it bothers you. Maybe make the decision closer to the event.

crispysausagerolls · 08/06/2019 20:14

People on this thread are unable to understand I think because statistically so few people BF that long (not a criticism, statement of fact). I understand you as I BF my one year old and I would never be able to leave him at bed time now/it’s hard to imagine that changing any time soon. He would be hysterical. I don’t like the tone on this thread that there is something wrong with you for not wanting to. Simply explain you can’t 🤷🏻‍♀️

Also people are intentionally taking your comment re the bridesmaid the wrong way:I assume you mean you think they won’t understand as they have already left their baby at a younger age several times.

ChristmasFluff · 08/06/2019 20:16

Dear OP, I think you are visualising this as your child being as they are now, but at 17 months. As are some others on this thread, such as those saying you might need to pump, 'for your own comfort' at that point - if you are still breastfeeding then, it's highly unlikely you would have to, as your supply will be well-adjusted and also dwindling due to your child eating food.

By the beginning of next year, you will probably be feeling very different to now But presumably, as you are bridesmaid, you are somewhat close to the bride? So just talk to her, outline your fears, and get some reassurance.

It might turn out she won't care, and you might be upset you missed out on the fun.

HavelockVetinari · 08/06/2019 20:22

I get.why you feel like this, because your baby is still a little baby, but at 17 months she'll be running around like a mad thing, into everything, and will be FINE overnight with her own father. Honestly, YABU, you will look back on this and laugh that you were so PFB!

Thertruthisoutwhere · 08/06/2019 20:27

You'll be fine. I panicked a bit when i left DC but they had a fab time with dad, a good bonding experience.

Your supply will almost definitely be regulated to the point you won't need to pump as they have so much food anyway at that age.

Just think a whole night of peaceful sleep, bliss!

Surfskatefamily · 08/06/2019 20:34

OP i feel the same. Have a 15mo and hes breastfed to sleep. Id have no issue leaving him all day but id want to be putting him to bed and be there overnight.

Its up to you, and if i was the bride i wouldnt be upset if you told me in advance which parts you are able to do.

Baloonphobia · 08/06/2019 20:40

One of the other bridesmaid’s has already left her DS who is 7 months for 2 nights to go on a hen do!
Prepare yourself. I'm planning on gleefully leaving my 4 mo with my DH to go to a wedding. But it's ok, my daughter has 2 parents who are both capable of looking after her.

CurbsideProphet · 08/06/2019 20:41

What is with all these brides obsessed with having bridesmaids give up so much of their time? I'm not asking my bridesmaids to do anything other than wear a dress they've chosen, hold a few flowers, and be in the photos.

I'm sorry your friend has had a tough time OP, but if she's a good friend surely you can just chat to her about it?

MonicaGellerHyphenBing · 08/06/2019 20:43

crispysausagerolls I bf my DD for over a year (do I get a special prize or something?) and I still think the OP is being a bit precious 🤷‍♀️

GMtoBe · 08/06/2019 20:52

OP you've got to do what you feel comfortable with. I BF my 19 month old and I've never had a night away from her, nor would I want to. Her dad is perfectly competent and I have complete trust in him, but that's not the point! If you aren't ready then suggest arriving early the next morning. There is nothing strange about how you feel, it is not compulsory to yearn for nights away from your children.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 08/06/2019 20:57

Judgy much? I fed DS until one and DD until three but, when they where 16 months and just three (14 months between), I happily waved DH off with them for a week. BFing was easily re-established upon their return and I was a refreshed and better mother!

BarrenFieldofFucks · 08/06/2019 20:58

I wouldn't have left any of mine at that age for anything other than a very good reason tbh. That said, you have a lot of time to prepare them. So if this friend matters to you, and it matters to them, then you could do it fairly easily if you start preparing early.

MatchSetPoint · 08/06/2019 20:58

Life’s too short to do anything you don’t want to do, if it makes you feel uncomfortable don’t do it. Don’t please other people at the cost of yourself, just arrive early the morning of the wedding.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 08/06/2019 20:59

Weird, half my message went.

I also said that my youngest is 19 months and would hate it if I were away overnight, he still feeds in the night etc. But with in excess of 6 months warning that could be changed.

Do you have to tell her either way now? Her request isn't unreasonable, but perhaps wait and see a little?

llangennith · 08/06/2019 21:05

It's up to you. Do whatever you want. Your friend should understand that she isn't your main priority even if she's getting married

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 08/06/2019 21:20

What do you think is going to go wrong with the father? Why is he not keen? Mine were Ebf and I felt weird about leaving them when they were younger but by 17 months I was down to one feed a day and they were fine. You have loads of time to get used to daddy putting them to bed though so I'm not sure why the panic

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 08/06/2019 21:22

Unless they dont eat much and you're feeding multiple times a day you'll be able to leave them and pick up bf on your return. I had 4 days away from my 19 month old and fed for a few months after

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