I have been reported to SS

[mooning123]

I have a DS with ASD and LDs. he is 10 but cognitively much younger well.

anyhow, we went out the other day and whilst I was getting something from the house and DS was waiting outside for a minute, a lady living down the street and her 7 yo DD pass by. for whatever reason, DS dropped his trousers to show his bum to them. he has never done anything before.

Said lady is also a HV and when she passed by today and saw me outside told me, she would (or already has) reported us to social services over safeguarding concerns re DS as he mooned at them and I am clearly unable to keep him safe.

DS is very well looked after. But with a child with SN, sometimes, you take your eyes off them for a moment or two (generally speaking, DS is always with an adult).

I am terrified what will now happen? anybody any insight?

*Wish I could reassure you that nothing will come of it but this happened to a friend of mine. Her then 8 year old son with mild aspergers was at school and he and a classmate went into the toilets and decided to compare willies. Another child walked in and reported it to the teacher.

School referred to SS after the parent of the other child complained (she felt my friends son gave her son the idea)

SS did investigate. For 6 months they visited and my friend was stressed the entire time. What support was offered was quite paltry. And stopped as soon as SS signed him off.*

Children have been doing this since the dawn of time. It's completely normal. I can't see how it is a good idea to leave a parent stressed for six months while it is 'investigated'. How does that help the family? Especially if any 'support' offered is so derisory. Surely we need to keep things proportionate and bear in mind what is normal and to be expected? If SS are investigating all this kind of stuff, how will they have the time and resources to deal with the issues where children are really at risk? I worry that this over-zealous approach will actually lead to more truly vulnerable children sipping through the net, not fewer. It seems a colossal waste of scanty resources.

It’s amazing the language that comes out when we are confronted by a woman in a position of authority/responsibility.

This woman seems to have had an over exaggerated sense of her own authority.

My comments would remain the same if I were discussing the actions of a male in this example.

Settle down.

When was the last time you heard a man being described as a busy body?

I know you aren't asking me, but the term is often used for a local gentleman. He has more free time than he know what's to do with. Having said that he also gets described as a 'fishwife', so I'm not really sure this post is very helpful for either side of the argument...

Does she know he has ASD? (Sorry if you've answered this and I've missed it).

To be honest, he's starting secondary school either this year or next year. If I was unaware of the ASD I'd think exposing himself at 10 to a younger girl and another adult was odd behavior.

Funnily enough the literal definition of s 'busy body' uses a man in its example.

It's a term I'd use for anyone poking their noses into business that isn't theres.........I don't have a special one for men.

' The HV sounds like a vindictive bitch'

😕

What a horrible and unfounded choice of words.

I too fear that you will be subjected to loads of admin, hassle from school, SS etc. Ending up with paltry 'support'.

I think it's shitty to try and derail the thread for the sake of a bit of nitpicking over whether or not a term is gendered.

Does she know he has ASD? (Sorry if you've answered this and I've missed it)

she know he has ASD and significant learning difficulties.

but that's not the point of my post. I worry what SS will do now. I am pretty sure I won't get 'help' but what then?

You can benefit from this op, you can ask for help, for some respite, for a key worker.

OP How sad that this person couldn't sit down with you over a cup of tea and explain why she intended to talk to SS and explain where it might help you.

This failure to provide some respite for families has an impact on other dcs who have their activities disrupted by the need to consider their sibling.

I hope you get some help as it's so draining for your family

I don’t know how familiar this woman is to you OP (apart from the fact she knows your son has ASD). It could be that she overreacted because your son dropped his trousers in front of her DD. It might be that she calms down and does no reporting.

My son is 16 and also has ASD, at 10 he could be as silly as the average 10 yr old but without the same boundaries.i imagine your son is the same, at 16 my son now has plenty of boundaries and while he still likes silliness it’s much more socially acceptable silliness.

I am a lapsed HV and as th parent of a child with ASD I wouldn’t have blinked much at this unless I could see he was in the street alone all the time and constantly indulging in such behaviour and being neglected.

In your case this was a single occurrence and she has likely overreacted, your child isn’t neglected and SS might or might not bother making contact. They’ve been seeing a friend recently as her son went to school with a bruise on his arm after his Dad restrained him from hitting his brother.. for the record this lad is 16 and his brother is 8. Social services DID go in for this but less than two weeks later are closing it as there’s no support they can offer that isn’t already happening.

They only time I ever reported a family not on my caseload was when a three year old was seen alone again in the street and ran out in front of my car while his “mother” was stood on the balcony of her flat shrieking “effing get back here you little f*er”. I was not at work and it was simply chance that I was driving down the road at that time. They were very well known to be neglectful though and SS were in and out of there over the years (as were the police). Totally different from the home life you talk of for your DS.

Try and take some deep breaths and just remember that this won’t go anywhere. Ask again for a Carers Assessment but don’t be surprised if they ignore it (we all know what this is like) . Maybe get a lock on the door that your DS can’t open so that you know he’s in and not able to do this outside until he grows out of this ...like my son did. He used to start shedding clothes as I i was putting the key in the lock . Nowadays I am practically begging him to get changed so I can wash his clothes.

Does your DS understand his actions op?
you can use this to ask for support.

I'm getting a bit fed up of the tinpot feminists as well........women didn't die for the cause to bicker over the use of supposedly gendered language. Honestly, if my nannie read this bollocks (( the daughter of a suffragette, who dared to be an unwed mother in the 40s and gave no fucks )) she'd be rolling her eyes alongside me.

Sadly the biggest takeaway from this is you cannot leave him outside unsupervised even for one minute, while you dive back in for something, etc.
It's how life' become. There's no tolerance or understanding and a great deal of judgement. We're going massively backwards while expecting parents to juggle everything, and pretending there's plenty of quality help on offer.

I'm afraid it gets worse, so getting used to the idea that you need to be aware at all times outside the home unless/until he can adapt to what society wants and expects, is the only way to cope. It's a life sentence for many.

Parenting's a learning curve, and parenting with LD's and non NT conditions, a steeper one.
Depending on your area's work load, SS may not be interested, if they do contact, let them know you now know he can't be left unsupervised at any time, and ask for help with that, and nine times out of ten watch them assure you you're doing a brilliant job and vanish at the mention of them doing anything above and beyond 'supervising'.
You may get lucky and be the 10th .

If a man did it he would also be a busybody, can’t see the issue, and there is the term vindictive bastard available. Also, HV is not a ‘position of authority’ - she just thinks it is.

Just to reiterate again...SS won’t actually DO anything.

Ask again for a referral to the children’s disability team but prepare for this to be refused. I despair sometimes.

Just thinking again about the fact this woman KNOWS about your child’s disabilities and instead of being supportive has chosen to be punitive. Be glad she isn’t your HV.

As a lapsed HV I can say quite honestly that they can be a mixed bag. You have good and excellent HVs out there being supportive as much as possible, then you have others who quite frankly wouldn’t know the meaning of “support” if it whacked them between the eyes. Sounds like this neighbour is in the latter group.

Tolleshunt
Children have been doing this since the dawn of time. It's completely normal. I can't see how it is a good idea to leave a parent stressed for six months while it is 'investigated'. How does that help the family? Especially if any 'support' offered is so derisory. Surely we need to keep things proportionate and bear in mind what is normal and to be expected? If SS are investigating all this kind of stuff, how will they have the time and resources to deal with the issues where children are really at risk? I worry that this over-zealous approach will actually lead to more truly vulnerable children sipping through the net, not fewer. It seems a colossal waste of scanty resources.

That ship already sailed. It's been a gift to the actually feckless and worse.

She should have spoke to you directly.
Did he show his bum or turn around, did the little girl see his genital area.
TBF he is a child with additional needs, you need to get him string tie bottoms, at 10 it is not great even with SEN.
Maybe social services will take it seriously, they may think it could escalate to full frontal at 10 y.o.
I doubt you would be in trouble, they will offer help and support to curve this behavior.
In her DMs eyes he flashed a young girl with her DM.

Ruffle I think you're the one unable to apply some common sense.

Rude and bullying behaviour - yes. You have that mastered.

Safeguarding - nope. Not a clue.

SS will unlikely 'do' anything. Even if they call and you beg for help because he can't be left unattended for even a second 24/7.

But as far as them needing to follow up the report they must. It's not age appropriate and is unlawful to expose yourself. Of course no one will go down the route but they must follow it up.
They need to at least be reassured you realise it's inappropriate and will address it (you already are in partnership with school) and at least attempting to stop it and he won't be doing it ages 15/25/75 in the local park.

they will offer help and support to curve this behavior.

but what would that be? we already talk about it at home, remind him in certain situations, school is aware of his 'unawareness' and has incorporated this into his IEP.

What else would SS do? that is my question? We work together with school on it. I couldn't think what else to do?

I think this woman needs to get out more.

She would be reporting 1/2 of the boys who live in my neighbouring town.

Is it bad that we have lost count how many times we have driven past a group of boys (usually they look around 10-12 years old) and they have dropped their trousers and mooned at us.

I think it is a thing nowadays or that is what it feels like it is.

youare personal attacks are not allowed on mn. The only rude and bullying behaviour here is coming from you.

Not sure if this has been covered, but it is possible that any concern might not be about him flashing in front of her DD, but that a child without age appropriate boundaries is potentially at risk from others if unsupervised.