I have been reported to SS

[mooning123]

I have a DS with ASD and LDs. he is 10 but cognitively much younger well.

anyhow, we went out the other day and whilst I was getting something from the house and DS was waiting outside for a minute, a lady living down the street and her 7 yo DD pass by. for whatever reason, DS dropped his trousers to show his bum to them. he has never done anything before.

Said lady is also a HV and when she passed by today and saw me outside told me, she would (or already has) reported us to social services over safeguarding concerns re DS as he mooned at them and I am clearly unable to keep him safe.

DS is very well looked after. But with a child with SN, sometimes, you take your eyes off them for a moment or two (generally speaking, DS is always with an adult).

I am terrified what will now happen? anybody any insight?

I disagree about this woman's employer supporting her in making what appears on balance to a wilful misunderstanding of the situation, an abuse of power and a blurring of her professional and personal boundaries.

If her concern was really the ops son's welfare, she would not have potentially endangered him further by confronting his mother afterwards as pps have said.

If she was doing so in a 'concerned citizen' capacity she shouldn't have pulled the "do you know who i am?" power trip stuff but reported quietly and let ss do their thing.

Well, nobody should be calling me “Mum” who I didn’t birth, and yes, “dear” is patronising and rude. OhTheRoses still sounds bloody unpleasant.

I disagree about this woman's employer supporting her in making what appears on balance to a wilful misunderstanding of the situation, an abuse of power and a blurring of her professional and personal boundaries.

Because although it may appear that way to you, it is what they told her to do when they trained her.

I don't get why professionals have to call us 'mum' at all. Our first names will be all over their notes. And we're not their mums!

RuffleCrow

They don’t. The ones who do are being rude. Correct them.

It doesn’t take away from their professional duty to report concerns.

Succesful working with agencies isn't possible when they are not transparent and provide no effective services to work with. It was abysmal. If six months later the state wanted to dictate anything in relation to my dd's care then I it is reasonable to expect the state to provide care better than or equivalent to what has been put in place privately. It wasn't capable of doing so.

Not necessarily - we've heard from plenty of people here who say their training is not to inform parents because of the further risks that may pose to the child. And she was acting in a personal capacity apparently.

RuffleCrow

I am talking about the reporting of the incident. With regards to telling the parent that you are reporting, my training did not say I couldn’t do that. I am not obliged to, do most of the time I wouldn’t. There is also no distinction between private and personal capacity, as others have explained. Being concerned, she has to report it.

Hang on a minute dreich "workers should check you are mum before calling you it". Only my children may call me mum, because I am mother only to them. Workers should check if they should call me: Ms, Mrs, Miss, Dr, Professor, Reverend, etc, and if they wish to use my first name they should ask if they may and never assume it is acceptable to use a parents' first name when anybody else within the stakeholder relationship is addresed by title. It subordinates.

Thank you Hercule your sentiments are much appreciated.

Nobody is saying they don't have a duty to report, but if you've worked in any area of health, education or social care you'll know that life does not present you with a set of neat, cut and dried easily classifiable examples that fit readily into the categories 'a concern' and 'not a concern'. It is always necessary to apply common sense in order to make good judgements and on balance it would appear this is not the case in this instance.

RuffleCrow

There will be common sense and judgement to be applied, yes. I can say I have always been told I have both, and this would concern me.

The 'mum' thing. What is that?

It's not just SW it's pediatricians, doctors and nurses as well.

It's particularly sinister when the tone becomes almost baby soothe like after some event. Like when DS broke his wrist attempting a stunt from a wall he climbed.

I got: "So when did this happen muuuuuumm?"

This is quite a bad fracture "muuuuum"

along with a sort of pause. Almost like they're doubting your story secretly, but not saying it and if they stretch out the mum you'll breakdown in their arms and confess all. In fact I've put my finger on it, it's precisely the interrogator voice vacillating between naked suspicion and trying to get you onside.

It's so disrespectful and patronising. What's worse is that whenever I went speech therapy with DP it never happened. They'd just speak to him instead of me and like a real person.

I think calling people 'mum' is a useful catch all to save people from having to remember names, rather like actors calling people 'darling'
Also in respect of these workers you are 'mum' in the situation.
I also suspect it is often done to try and break down barriers and make people seem more friendly.
But rather like calling people by their first name, while most aren't going to mind some people are going to, so you should always check first. It isn't worth putting people's backs up with something easily checked out.

Oh the Roses, I could kiss you, you indeed speak the truth, I'm sick of speaking to H/v who know less about ASD than I do, I'm a young mum, I was asked if I lived with my ds's father,... my lounge has 2 wedding photos, we all have the same name and i wear wedding rings,.... I'm afraid I was rather blunt I said "what part of Mrs staydazzling threw you off,?" ..... she'd already decided hadn't she?....

Also in respect of these workers you are 'mum' in the situation.

No, it is dehumanising and rude. It is done to underline to you that they are not there for you. I completely see why anybody would have a problem with it.

Yeah the Mum thing it's creepy and sinister.

It is dehumanising. I am more than just a 'mum', important though that role is. It also smacks of 'you're just a mum, I'm the expert here, you'll listen to me'. Take the 3 seconds to ask my name, or read it off the notes, FFS!

The 'mum' thing. What is that?

It's not just SW it's pediatricians, doctors and nurses as well
It's not a new thing. It's been going on 23+ years that I know of.

I don't think people should do it without checking first it is pointless upsetting people needlessly.
Of course people are more than mum but it is your primary role in that situation.
I think I have had more people introduce themselves as 'mum' than anything else.

Staydazzling

My experience is bad professionals take the living piss when you're a young mum. I had DS at 23, but looked about 16. Still look young now. Wasn't married. Working minimum wage at the time. Ticked all the boxes before I'd spoken.

First baby scan I went to I went on my own as I was having a slight bleed and some cramping so it was an emergency.

Sonographer asks me if I'm married?. No I say. Next question: So are you planning on keeping this baby?

Doctor: Are you with the Father? Are you planning on commencing with the pregnancy?

Next Sonogram different sonographer:

What is your marital status? Have you had an abortion or miscarriage before? Are you planning on continuing this pregnancy?

Due to recurrent bleeds I needed more scans and appointments each time DP came, there were no such questions on my own I got personal questions that had nothing to do with anything.

I was very naive. It wasn't until I was comparing notes with someone who said she had never had those questions that I wised up.

2nd time round no one was allowed to take the piss with me.

Be very succinct and professional when anyone tries that nonsense with you again.

I could tell you the way I was treated during and after giving birth to DS but I'll stop there.

If it's meant to be more friendly dreich when was the last time you heard an HCP refer to a chap or chappess in hospital or at a surgery as "doc".

When I met the Director of Children's Services and the lead psych at the mh trust to whom I made a formal complaint. She lead introductions: I'm Brenda, this is OhThe, this Dr Stupendous-Light. First names OK? There was palpable shock when I said "no, frim an equality perspective I am not addressing a man who is my equal, with a title when you and he don't expect to use mine" So he said I could call him Dave. I'd had preferred formality actually but I don't think such people can bring themselves to call a mother Mrs Roses.

I have a three page letter from the camhs nurse referring throughout to Jane and Mum. Everyone else is referred to with their title, name and role. It is a reductive little game intended to disempower.

I agree with @OnTheRoses. I have also seen some disgraceful conduct from SW and also NHS employees.

If these people want to be respected they have to try some honesty. They have been very twisted. Not just once but many times

I suspect that many situations are not reported to SW because of bad experiences in the past and with cuts these views are likely to remain or deteriorate.

We refer to parents as Mr/Miss/Mrs and when we write about them “Mother” and”Father”.

As a social worker for adults, I will always ask how to address people. I will also deliver the same level of service whether you pay high tax or no tax. That really doesn’t impact on me, nor does it make you more worthy than a person who is not in employment. I will also treat you professionally, even if you are snooty and patronising.

OP, I’m sorry you’ve been stressed by this and I’m saddened you feel the need to hide away. You really don’t. It is exceptionally hard to support children and adults who display behaviours like this. It wouldn’t concern me but it would concern me that you’re struggling. You are entitled to a carers assessment which, if nothing else, should give you space to explore your feelings and ensure you are signposted to some support. Most people do not realise the impact of caring for a child with additional needs. I do understand the HV’s position. Sadly, people with additional needs can be at high risk of abuse. That said, I hear where you are coming from also. Please be assured, nothing much is likely to come of this. I have my fingers crossed that some support might be available. However, I’m aware of limited resources and budgets under pressure, so I cannot be certain of what’s available in your area.

The points I was trying to make were that treating everyone as equal doesn't mean treating everyone like scum and actually most of the 'scum' in a small or large way funds the services you work in. A little respect goes a long way and would significantly improve relationships.

I'll repeat, anybody who reports me to ss can at the very least afford me the dignity of my title and surname. And having done it please do not expect to be able to be over familiar.

The sw who phoned me up told me he was Mr African name. He called me Roses. My surname. I could barely understand him, his accemt was so significant. He asked if we needed any support but couldn't answer me when I asked what support. I don't know if the reason was due to language issues or ignorance issues. Whatever it was, it was completely unacceptable. I got a letter closing the case a week later.