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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow my 12 year old DSD to come round here until...

135 replies

Bumbalaya · 08/06/2019 06:25

... she gets some proper help for her mental health.

Hi all, my undiagnosed PDA step daughter (12) had a bad night the other night.
Her dad took her tech off her before bed and she was cross so locked herself in the bathroom and (told her mum the next day that she) self harmed with a pencil sharpener blade.
Because her mum told her dad this she went ballistic and was asking her mum for a pencil sharpener.
Obviously her mum wouldn’t give her one so she banged her head against the wall repeatedly and eventually went at her mum and dad with some scissors and a large kitchen knife (which my husband managed to get off her)
I have a 2 year old and am very concerned that my step-daughter might pose a risk to her so have asked that she doesn’t come round here until they have sought and received psychological help for her whether that be psychotherapy, medication and maybe even a diagnosis.
I am very disturbed because she has never done anything quite so extreme before.

AIBU to put down this boundary?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 08/06/2019 06:30

If you have more children and one of your children by birth becomes ill would you kick them out of the house?

Do you really think telling her she isn’t welcome at her dads is going to help her?

It wouldn’t be unreasonable to put precautions in place and not leave them alone together but to ban her from her fathers house due to illness is wrong.

hellodarkness · 08/06/2019 06:31

Yes YABU. If your 2yo grows up to have the same difficulties, will you throw her out at 12 to protect younger siblings?

Nothing you have said suggests she is a danger to your 2yo. I expect she'd be horrified at the suggestion. I teach, and self harm is rife. It demonstrates self-loathing and sadness. Attacking her parents is more serious of course, but I suspect banning her from her home would make matters worse not better.

Maybe you don't love her as much as your 2yo but your dp does. She needs help, not rejection.

MustardScreams · 08/06/2019 06:31

It’s not your boundary to put up. Why do you think not allowing her to see her dad is going to help in anyway? If you’re worried for your dd’s safety take her out when Sdd is there.

ZoeWashburne · 08/06/2019 06:32

Yes, you’d be very wrong to dictate this. Your DH is her father and just as responsible for her wellbeing. They are a package deal.

She is obviously in crisis, and you need to work with your DH to get her the professional help she needs urgently.

Obviously watch her and your other children like a hawk.

If this was your son in crisis, how would you feel if someone did this to you?

Original poster
Bumbalaya · 08/06/2019 06:34

We live next door so her dad can go round to her mum’s house to look after her until I’m sure that my DD is not at rush of being threatened with a knife or seeing someone be threatened by a knife.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bumbalaya · 08/06/2019 06:34

Risk*

OP posts:
Original poster
Bumbalaya · 08/06/2019 06:35

But why should I take my DD out for entire weekends?
That’s a lot of time to fill with a toddler who has done nothing wrong.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 08/06/2019 06:35

If you live next door banning her from being able to nip around and see her family is even worse!

negomi90 · 08/06/2019 06:36

Yes.
She's unwell restricting her relationship with her dad is not ok.
If you are scared then keep your little one close or leave while she's there, but making your dh choose the healthy little one over the difficult unwell one from the previous relationship is not ok.

Original poster
Bumbalaya · 08/06/2019 06:37

I haven’t “banned” her. I just asked that they get some professional help for her. So that I am reassured that she isn’t posing a threat to us.
I am scared.

OP posts:
WhyTho · 08/06/2019 06:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

W0rriedMum · 08/06/2019 06:37

How is she normally? Is this incident a one off?
You said she has undiagnosed PDA which is very specific if undiagnosed. Are you waiting for a referral appointment or similar?
Regarding her not coming around again until she gets "proper help", the problem is that it's not measurable (a diagnosis won't change the day-to-day). You are in effect banning her from your home until further notice.
What's the sibling set-up at her mother's? You'd be addressing the risk at yours but it strikes me that her mum hasn't the same choice and is left to cope full-time. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Original poster
Bumbalaya · 08/06/2019 06:37

Anyway it seems I ABU.
Thanks all 👍🏼

OP posts:
negomi90 · 08/06/2019 06:38

Why should she be banned from a house when she's done nothing wrong other than being unwell?

swingofthings · 08/06/2019 06:38

What does her father think? She definitely does need mental health support but your DH needs to be very much involved and get support too to know how to best deal with the situation. I can understand your fears, I would have them too if I had a baby and my eldest was making such threats, but a band on coming over is indeed likely to just make her behaviour worse leading to her never wanting to have anything to do with you, or sibling and worse her dad. I would lock sharp knives and scissors through.

Original poster
Bumbalaya · 08/06/2019 06:38

I agree. It’s just horrible to be trapped in a situation where I have to expose my DD to a potentially dangerous person.

OP posts:
hellodarkness · 08/06/2019 06:39

Don't be daft op. You can't expect her mum to have her ex hanging around her house all weekend. The help you're talking about, the help she need, is months and months away even if an urgent referral went in now. I assume your 2yo isn't left to fend for himself, so there will always be an adult present. If necessary, her dad can instigate a gentle conversation about your concerns.

W0rriedMum · 08/06/2019 06:40

By the wat, if she has Instagram/tiktok etc., it would be prudent to start monitoring it quickly.

Frenchfancy · 08/06/2019 06:44

That is such a terrible way to talk about your dsd. That is your childs sister, your husbands daughter, a child and you are calling her a dangerous person!!!

Original poster
Bumbalaya · 08/06/2019 06:45

Thank you yes. A family friend who works in adult mental health recommended that we have a chat to her and ask her whether she felt she was in control that night and tell her that we are scared of her being around the little one when she is like that. She also said that we should ask her to promise that she won’t do anything like that around her and she’ll tell us how she’s feeling... maybe a tall order?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bumbalaya · 08/06/2019 06:46

@Frenchfancy someone wielding a knife at their parents threatening to stab them IS a dangerous person. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Bumbalaya · 08/06/2019 06:47

But I do think you’re right IABU i think it was just a knee jerk fear based reaction on my part.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 08/06/2019 06:48

Don’t tell her your scared of her! Why would you add to the pressure being put on her?

She needs proper help and support and she needs love not chastising. But remember that sadly services are stretched so the poor young lady is probably going to have a very long wait for the professional help she needs.

LizzieSiddal · 08/06/2019 06:49

You should be suggesting she sees professional so she can get better, nothing to do with your Dd.

I can understand why you’re worried and want to protect your Dd, but your H is her father and “banning” her will make the situation far, far worse.

Have her parents talked about getting help for her?

larrygrylls · 08/06/2019 06:50

You just need to ensure that they are not left alone together. It is a bore but, with two adults present, easily doable.

However I do sympathise with your feelings and the language police are no help. If she is threatening people with bladed weapons she is, currently, a dangerous person.

Could your husband not arrange some psychiatric help for her?

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