To not allow my 12 year old DSD to come round here until...

[Bumbalaya]

... she gets some proper help for her mental health.

Hi all, my undiagnosed PDA step daughter (12) had a bad night the other night.
Her dad took her tech off her before bed and she was cross so locked herself in the bathroom and (told her mum the next day that she) self harmed with a pencil sharpener blade.
Because her mum told her dad this she went ballistic and was asking her mum for a pencil sharpener.
Obviously her mum wouldn’t give her one so she banged her head against the wall repeatedly and eventually went at her mum and dad with some scissors and a large kitchen knife (which my husband managed to get off her)
I have a 2 year old and am very concerned that my step-daughter might pose a risk to her so have asked that she doesn’t come round here until they have sought and received psychological help for her whether that be psychotherapy, medication and maybe even a diagnosis.
I am very disturbed because she has never done anything quite so extreme before.

AIBU to put down this boundary?

Wow poor you op. EW lives next door, daughter with m/h issues, as she hits her teenage years she will probably get worse. I would find this situation very difficult. I feel sorry for the daughter but you do have to look out for your own child as no one else will. Good luck

op that was a very good, thoughtful text you have followed up with. Well done.

I think that's a good text, OP. You're in an unenviable position and I hope your DSD gets the help and support she needs.

Hi @Bumbalaya

I know you’ve now calmed a bit and want to help DSD work through things and that’s good.
I just wanted to say that you sometimes get a mixed bag on here with step parent issues. I’ve read threads where people are all up for not letting SCs come over for things far less serious than what happened with your DSD because of things that could potentially cause harm to other children.
Cahms in the UK is awful. Mental heath in the UK is awful really (long term sufferer and it took years to get a diagnosis)
Is it the first time An incident with a blade has happened? Do you think her parents can afford some private counselling at the moment? One that specialises in children and teens?
One of the big questions and issues surrounding mental health and reason people get sectioned is ‘are they a danger to themselves or others’ if this behaviour continues the answer to that here is definitely yes.
A lot of posters have said what if it’s your child... I’ve made friends in support groups who as teenagers were carted off to hospitals because their parents couldn’t cope. So I don’t think it’s got anything to do with you being her SM.
It’s a very hard to place to be in for all of you and I’m really sorry. Yes she is unwell and that’s hard to go through (my issues started as a teen, wasn’t diagnosed until mid 20s) but it also has a huge impact on those in the family and often their mental health suffers too. Maybe even look into some counselling for yourself as well?
Again sorry you are all going through this OP.

@Broken11Girl she’s not awful. If someone hasn’t dealt with mental illness before it’s hard to know what the best thing to do is. She’s done the right thing and asked for help here and has seen that her ideas weren’t the right thing, and has modified what she’s going to do. Berating someone isn’t helpful. Why not offer some constructive advice instead?

I can see why you're scared. And if your intention is to force them into getting her professional help because they currently seem to be wanting to sweep it under the carpet a bit, I really sympathise.

I think you've realised that using access to your home as the first incentive isn't reasonable. You are right to be concerned about your DD's safety, though. You just need to think about your SD's well being in the same way when trying to come up with a solution. Because even though she isn't your DD she is a child and a part of your family. It's tricky to have responsibility like that without the authority to, for instance, get medical help for her, but you still need to try and work within those bounds.

Unbelievable.

Usually when stepmothers ask for advice they are told by the usual vipers that it's none of their business and to stay out of anything that looks like parenting. Leave it to the parents they are told.

Suddenly an OP with a step child causing her to be afraid is meant to step up and parent. I would say stay out of it. None of your business and you are entitled to say she cannot come round until her parents address the problem.

Your DH has to watch her the whole time she is in your house to keep your DC safe. If he says he can't do that, then you are entitled to say she cannot be there. You are not her mother. All you can do is support the parents in seeking help, not take responsibility for her.

As for suggestions that you go out, that's just silly. It's your home and our DD's home, you should not be driven from it by the behaviour of a 12 year old.

Actually op I think yanbu. She sounds dangerous and I wouldn't risk the safety of my own child and myself. Her dad can go visit her right next door. She is unstable and a risk to others.

What a kind apology text OP.
Good on you.

She went at her parents with a kitchen knife - she is a danger and a risk! I absolutely would not allow that around my 2yo.

Sorry - just RTFT OP and I see you have apologised.

Yabu. Her mum doesn’t have the luxury of just not dealing with her. It’s as much her dad’s responsibility, and that means you need to deal with it too. This was part of the deal you signed up for when you married someone with a child.

I do understand your fears about your 2yo but the solution isn’t refusing to give your step daughter a home.

I would say stay out of it. None of your business and you are entitled to say she cannot come round until her parents address the problem

you realise that one of the parents shares the home with OP?? or did you mean that the mum should sort it?

I think OP knows now that banning her DSD wont help, but those of you saying that she isn't a threat or a danger to her 2yo - would you honestly say that if there was anyone else in your house threatening people with a knife? If a stranger walked in and behaved the way her DSD did? Or a PIL? A distant cousin? You would absolutely think that person was a threat and a danger, regardless of mental health issues. OP is quite right to be worried. The focus needs to be on getting DSD well again but it doesn't mean dismissing her behaviours as safe.

I don't think you're awful, you're afraid for your young child and I don't blame you.

The ridiculous posters saying you hate her etc are bring very short sighted, her dsd was welding a knife for god sake, a lot of people are not experts in mental health and react to protect themselves and their young child.

I don't blame you for not wanting her in the house but I do think she should be allowed maybe just no overnights until everything is calmer

Good luck

Poor op, honestly people saying how awful she is You sound lovely and caring, in a difficult situation, trying to do your best, sometimes mumsnet is very cruel

Please don't talk to your DSD at this stage about your concerns. At least wait until you get an opportunity to speak to a HCP with experience of PDA for guidance of how to structure any conversation. You could end up doing more harm than good. PDA meltdowns and extreme behaviours are rooted in the child experiencing overwhelming anxiety and if approached , however well meaning, without proper guidance etc your dsd could have great difficulty processing this.

I totally understand how stressful this must be for all of you - but especially dsd.

It's really difficult and whilst I understand it was a knee jerk reaction not helpful in the long term. People with mental health problems will always be more of a risk to themselves than other people. I do find it odd that her parents haven't taken her to the GP before as clearly she does need professional help. Unfortunately as someone has said CAMHS waiting lists are large, so it will be months before she is seen at the very least.

People that are criticising you OP should read your update, I think that's a really nice text.

Yes you need to keep your toddler safe but yabvu to even suggest she doesn't come to your house as it's her home too, it's her dad and she is as important as your birth child. She needs her dad more not less, and her mum is no doubt really struggling too to cope, it's very hard, I've been there

That’s a lovely text you have sent to your step DD’s mum.
I hope your stepdd gets the help she needs and everything can settle down.

That’s a lovely text you have sent to your step DD’s mum.
I agree!

Unfortunately no, YANBU.

And all of those posters who have vilified OP for her legitimate concerns don't you ever read the news? What about Paris Lee who killed his 4 year old sister to hurt his mum's feelings? What about Malik Vincent Murphy who killed his two younger siblings ( 7 and 9) "so he could get some peace and quiet). What about the teenage girl who killed the seven year old Katie Rough "to test whether she was a robot"? OPs DSD took a knife and tried to attack her own father!!

Fact of the matter is that some people with mental health problems are dangerous. No, you don't become dangerous by having anxiety or being bipolar or anorectic, but that is not what is mentioned in the original post. Please stop being so woke that you start shaming someone for setting healthy boundaries.