To not allow my 12 year old DSD to come round here until...

[Bumbalaya]

... she gets some proper help for her mental health.

Hi all, my undiagnosed PDA step daughter (12) had a bad night the other night.
Her dad took her tech off her before bed and she was cross so locked herself in the bathroom and (told her mum the next day that she) self harmed with a pencil sharpener blade.
Because her mum told her dad this she went ballistic and was asking her mum for a pencil sharpener.
Obviously her mum wouldn’t give her one so she banged her head against the wall repeatedly and eventually went at her mum and dad with some scissors and a large kitchen knife (which my husband managed to get off her)
I have a 2 year old and am very concerned that my step-daughter might pose a risk to her so have asked that she doesn’t come round here until they have sought and received psychological help for her whether that be psychotherapy, medication and maybe even a diagnosis.
I am very disturbed because she has never done anything quite so extreme before.

AIBU to put down this boundary?

OP I really feel for you. It must be really scary. I'm a bit at people saying YABU. It makes sense to protect your little one. The girl lives next door, her dad can easily see her. I think she needs professional help as a matter of urgency so it's not like you're saying she can't come for months. She could go see the Dr on Monday and come round after that, once the ball is rolling. It isn't like you're saying never again and she can't see her dad.

I do think she needs mental health help urgently but I don't think you can throw her out of her father's home. Can't you stay somewhere else with your 2 year old child when she visits?

As your do close I dont think yabu let's face it if she was projectile vomiting everywhere she could stay home and dad could visit happily

. She could go see the Dr on Monday and come round after that, once the ball is rolling.

What exactly do you think one trip to the GP will achieve? Other than hopefully triggering a referral. They aren’t some sort of miracle worker.

I understand why you are scared OP. Your child is so little and helpless. If anything happened to them you would neer forgive yourself.
But your SDD is as important so I think you need to set boundaries, be vigilant and get the ball rolling for support.

She’s your family and a child. For better or worse.

You can’t just wash your hands of her, cos let’s face it that’s what you are doing. Until she’s “better”. And she may never get better like you see it.

You need to see and experience clinical child psychologist that recognises the condition PDA as many don’t. Go private if you can.

I would love to stay away but I have only £70 to last me until the last day of this month so I can’t even afford the petrol to get away.
I feel very trapped into a (potentially) dangerous situation.
I think people are sensationalising what I said.
I haven’t thrown her out or banned her. I text her mum the morning after the incident and said that I need to protect my DD and I need to know that she is going to be receiving professional help for her mental health before I feel safe with her being around my DD.
My DSD doesn’t even know this text has happened and has ASKED to stay at her mum’s this weekend (technically it’s her mum’s weekend anyway) but DH has offered to have her.
So my DSD does not know that I am worried Yet but I plan to have a chat with her soon.

How would you most like a Stepmother to behave to your child in ten years time if your child was the older one in this identical situation? Really think about that and then behave accordingly. Your DH I presume has equal parental responsibility for his older child so can immediately inform school, social services and go to gp with her and start accessing help and he can ask the gp for a sensible risk assessment regarding younger siblings.

Youre the one with the problem with it. If youre that concerned, take your 2yo elsewhere until its sorted. If you arnt prepared to do this, you clearly arnt doing it to protect your child but to make a fuss, probably because youre miffed your step daughter is getting lots of attention and your child and you arnt.
If this is your attitude, she will pick up on it and it wont be helping the situation.
Yabvu

OP you have to be realistic about mental health support in the UK> There are enormous waiting lists for CAHMS (child and adolescent mental health services) - there is literally no way your SD will be getting help anytime soon sadly.

Please don't tell her you are scared of her being around her sister - she will feel horrendous and it will contribute to her mental health problems.

I hope you’ve changed lots of details because your living set up is unique and very identifying and your discussing this girl’s mh on the internet without the permission of either her or her parents.

You texted the mum that!?!

You owe her an apology. Seriously. All 3 parents must sit down and have a proper chat about how to approach this.

I would be LIVID if you sent me a text telling me I need to sort out my DD like that. She’s your responsibility too! You married a man with a child, she’s part of your family.

I despair.

I understand op, I would feel worried for a small toddler being around anyone even a child that is out of control.

There is a compromise possibly, whilst she is waiting to be seen by a professional, perhaps sit down with your dp and ask him to take her out? They can go out for walks, play tennis, do some crafts etc and generally he can start making much more of an effort to do things outside the home where she is less likely to kick off. It is less likely to happen if she is distracted/busy and in public.

Dp needs to be taking steps to a) protect his younger child and b) to get the help and support his dd12

What is his plan so far?

Op, what you have to understand, and you haven't so far, is that this child, not person, is in crisis. Absolute crisis. There may be some very good reasons why she is struggling so much? Has someone checked she isn't being groomed on line/being bullied at school or online/facing some other serious problem. This could cause her to lash out and self harm. It is not the case that you can automatically has a mental health issue.

Far more support and love and care needs to be given to this poor child. Please make sure that when she is with you she feels welcome, safe, loved and supported by all of you. Don't alienate her now when she needs you all the most.

I think your husband needs to find ways to cope with the behaviour. With PDA extreme consequences like taking electronics away doesn’t work, it pours petrol on an already volatile situation.

Do some research yourselves in ways to approach a child with PDA, there are techniques and ways you can implement to ease the situation and her anxiety levels.

Thank you so much everyone for your input.
It has helped me see that I am just acting out of a place of fear. Which (while understandable) is not productive maybe even harmful.
I have just text her mum this message...

Hi Z, just wanted to apologise for my knee-jerk reaction about X being a threat to her sister.

I was feeling very scared and shocked by her wielding a knife.

But there is going to be no quick fix to any of this and it's wrong to stop her from staying in what's rightfully her home too.

Fear can do silly things to my brain and I am sure we can manage the risk here without going to extremes.

After all X is suffering more than any of us.

I hope you'll accept my apology,

love Y xxx

Your attitude, your lack of understanding, and your behaviour are all absolutely guaranteed to add stress to a child who is already unable to cope with stress.
I’d say more, but the post would get deleted.

Cross post. Seems we all have knee-jerk reactions. Apologies to you OP You did the best thing for all in for sending those apologies

yabu. it's actually vile to consider to ban her because she has MH issues. I hope this is a wind up!

where is DH in this all? it's his DD and also his home. of course DD should be able to come over

I haven’t “banned” her. I just asked that they get some professional help for her.

I am not sure what you think professional help for a child in the UK looks like. do you not read the news? let me spare you a job:
referrals take easily 1-2 years. then it tAkes ages / years to get a dx. then discharge. there is very little to no help available even after waiting years to be seen.

also, if she has no dx, how do you know it is PDA?

Sure you wrote this in the heat of the moment and I can understand but in reality It would be insensitive
As you have branded the term the term have there been prior concerns
Being so close to each other must be difficult for all concerned unless this is a set up in a that is norm to you all
I feel for the child and her mother
I feel for you as it’s difficult to understand and empathise.Whoever dreams that their child will have difficulties.
I speak as a mother of a child with complex needs
Tolerance and understanding will be needed.
Yes do talk to your husband and seek support for the child .wonder if your on good terms with the mother.
You could make a lot of difference which in the long run could keep all the family safe.
Do take care also post on SN threads

I actually don't think you were being unreasonable in the first place - you have a small child to protect. I hope she quickly gets the help she needs.

She sounds like she is angry with the DPs. What about paying for family counselling for DPs and their DD rather than they wait for someone else to fix things. If they say they can't afford it I would be as it's got to a pretty bad situation. Also they should discuss going to the school - if DD doesn't want this she might agree to counselling.

YWBU but do not leave the 2 children alone together.

There are enormous waiting lists for CAHMS (child and adolescent mental health services) - there is literally no way your SD will be getting help anytime soon sadly.

CAMHS waiting lists vary enormously. OP might be lucky enough to live in a 2-week waiting list area, please let's not put her off seeking help.

Moreover, the girl's behaviour is communicating a high level of distress. There is also potential risk to herself and/or others. It's not unlikely that she would be seen as an urgent case.

OP, if there are any more incidents like the one you describe, whichever adult is with her at the time should take her to A&E for an urgent psychiatric assessment

Incidentally, where did the stuff about "undiagnosed PDA" come from? Does your DSD have a diagnosis of autism?

What about paying for family counselling for DPs and their DD rather than they wait for someone else to fix things

DSD needs a proper assessment first. Family counselling is wonderful in the right situation, but none of us have enough information to recommend a treatment.