To not allow my 12 year old DSD to come round here until...

[Bumbalaya]

... she gets some proper help for her mental health.

Hi all, my undiagnosed PDA step daughter (12) had a bad night the other night.
Her dad took her tech off her before bed and she was cross so locked herself in the bathroom and (told her mum the next day that she) self harmed with a pencil sharpener blade.
Because her mum told her dad this she went ballistic and was asking her mum for a pencil sharpener.
Obviously her mum wouldn’t give her one so she banged her head against the wall repeatedly and eventually went at her mum and dad with some scissors and a large kitchen knife (which my husband managed to get off her)
I have a 2 year old and am very concerned that my step-daughter might pose a risk to her so have asked that she doesn’t come round here until they have sought and received psychological help for her whether that be psychotherapy, medication and maybe even a diagnosis.
I am very disturbed because she has never done anything quite so extreme before.

AIBU to put down this boundary?

So the very least your DP can do is step up and handle the fall out and not leave it to his ex as you suggest.

OP didn't suggest that. They live next door, she could still see her dad as much as she wanted.

Not rtft but my nephew is currently undergoing diagnosis for PDA. He has similar outbursts.

My dsis has an older dd as well who has 2 dcs similar ages to your dd. SS are involved, her 2 dcs are on a Child In Need order I thinks its called and are only allowed contact with nephew when there is someone physically stronger than nephew there, which means either his dad or my nieces partner.

They are all very close as a family and it has been very difficult to explain to nephew that he is putting the younger dcs at risk of harm. Unfortunately he is though, not hos fault, not anyones fault but a sad consequence of MH issues is other people being harmed.

I wouldn't necessarily ban her, but would make sure that there are always 2 adults around. 1 to take your dc out of harms way and 1 to take care of dsd to keep her safe as well.

MH most certainly does not make someone an automatic danger

Threatening people with a knife does

I have to cope with similar behaviour from my DD1 (10). She hasn't threatened DH or me with a knife (that sounds very scary) but she does lash out (mainly at me) and has his me with a rounders bat in the past. She'll throw whatever is to hand when she's in a rage.

I understand your fears, OP. I've worried about the safety of her younger sister (birth siblings), who is now 7. It's less worrying now she's 7, as DD2 can stand up for herself but DD1 still hurts her by accident sometimes. Most of her strops are when we're there (or at least I am), so the risk isn't great, which sounds like it's the case with you?

I can confirm how hard it is to get help, we're getting help from Post Adoption Support but it's been a long haul and we've been pushing to get her assessed for some time! It's been exhausting.

I agree with PPs that stopping her weekend visits could impact on your DSD really badly; any change in routine leads to loud meltdowns in our DD1. Your DH would have to supervise her very closely. Has she actually lashes out at your DD before or is it the fear that she might? Or are you afraid that your DSD might hurt her by accident? (Which is understandable. I got a nasty head wound by accident once.)

But it should be possible to keep your DD away from her. Unless your DSD is intentionally trying to hurt her, or interact with her (as we've coped with), then surely it's just a matter of keeping them apart?

Your DH should try and do nice things with her during his contact time with her, which would do good for their relationship and take her mind off electronics, which is an issue with my DD1 too.

So I wouldn't say YABU, as you're in a very difficult place with this girl, but I would still say that banning her from your house will only make her behaviour far worse, and be very unfair on her mum, who would have to cope with the fallout. (Does her mum have younger DC?)

is a disorder, one you need to learn to manage
Have a routine in place what time tech is off etc, what is expected of her, is very helpful
Thats what her parents need to do. Not op.

Oh and it's not easy to get help for MH issues. Dsis has been trying for 8 years. Dnephew has been without formal education for nearly 2 years and it wss sporadic before that. She has had to fight tooth and nail for any help or support, lost her marriage, her job and career, lost friends. Has SS involved for all the help they are, plus cahms.

It's not as easy as just trotting off to the GP and asking for a referral. And a diagnosis only diagnoses. There isn't much they can do to cure autism and PDA is just a type of autism, or a specific set of symptoms that come with autism. You cant take a pill or have therapy for it, she's unlikely to get better. But as parents all the people responsible for her, including you, need to educate yourselves on how best to deal with her symptoms.

I think you need to book a private psychiatrist for next week asap and all go along as a supportive unit. NHS referrals can take months and if she is now at this stage you need to do something now. It is bad enough an adult coping with an undiagnosed condition but a 12 year old it will be scary not knowing what is happening to her or why she is feeling like that. If you say you are worried about her hurting the child this might stick in her mind and she may feel even more confused and why her loved ones would think she would ever do that. Also she might feel jealousy for the younger child and alienated further. I would say that you are worried she would find herself in a difficult situation and not be able to cope, like the one she was just in. Say you are concerned for her mostly and want to help her feel less stressed and that you all love her. Obvious I know. Are you absolutely sure it is PDA?
Anyway, still include her in the family weekend, but have the chat and tell her to talk to you if she is feeling stressed or tell you when she doesn't feel in control, she needs to know she can come to you. Just make sure she is not on her own, even with the child. Anything she confides in you and your DH you can tell the psychologist and it will help for a speedier diagnosis.

I think the suggestion you DH spends more time with her is very good, get her off tech and SM where she will be maybe posting stuff or feel peer pressure. She needs to feel loved and important to her dad, so any activity just her and him would be beneficial and would diffuse any tension she may be feeling.

Yabu.
And you'll be waiting a long time for help for her. You also need to be there for her.

You have a two year old and your priority has to be the safety of your child. YANBU to set boundaries; imagine if something happened because you have let this girl into your home. She needs to hear that her behaviour is disturbing and can't continue. Set hard boundaries about what you will accept anywhere near your baby.