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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

4th child dilemma - AIBU?

129 replies

AwfulMum123 · 07/06/2019 14:34

Is it wrong/unadvisable to have a 4th child knowing the only way you can afford to go back to work is to leave the child with your retired parents (who have already looked after the first three 3-4 days per week from the end of Mat leave until school?) They also cover the majority of school holidays for you for the existing three. Child 1 would be close to 13 once child 4 is born so a broad range of ages.

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 07/06/2019 14:35

Personally I think it’s wrong. The parents deserve to have freedom in their retirement but I suppose it depends on how they feel too.

IvanaPee · 07/06/2019 14:35

I think it’s unfair to rely on anyone for free childcare.

I also think the planet is completely fucked and we’re more aware of that now than ever so it’s a bit unconscionable to knowing having four and overpopulate like that.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/06/2019 14:53

Haven't your parents done enough? What about THEIR lives? You are being completely selfish and unreasonable. Be happy with the 3 you have and let your parents enjoy their retirement.

Alwaysgrey · 07/06/2019 14:56

I think that’s a huge burden for your parents especially as they’re getting older. Also, please think of the planet.

Gatoadigrado · 07/06/2019 14:56

Total piss take

Jeezoh · 07/06/2019 14:57

YABVU. When do they get to enjoy their retirement? By the time you’ve finished using them, they’ll be knackered (if they’re not already!)

Quartz2208 · 07/06/2019 14:57

try for one or see through a pregnancy OP because I cant decide which it is

dottyboxes · 07/06/2019 14:58

The biggest crisis facing our planet is overpopulation. PLEASE consider this when you are planning multiple children. They will suffer due to climate change in their lifetime.

Mumofone1593 · 07/06/2019 14:59

In all honesty I think it is cruel to take their retirement away to save money, especially over such a long period of time.

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 07/06/2019 15:00

Why would you even think having a 4th is a good idea?

formerbabe · 07/06/2019 15:01

Very selfish

Gazelda · 07/06/2019 15:03

What would happen if you announced your 4th pregnancy and they said "oh, we understood you we're stopping at 3. We're afraid we won't be able to offer the same childcare as the older DC had - your dad's back is playing up more/we've developed an allergy to peppa pig/we've joined a ten pin bowling league that meets every day at 2/whatever"?

UnicornDust9 · 07/06/2019 15:03

Yes selfish

Gazelda · 07/06/2019 15:03

And yes, think about the already overpopulated planet.

Lifeover · 07/06/2019 15:04

Having a 4th is

  1. Unfair on your existing children - your teenager will really need you soon without a baby knocking round
  2. stop taking the p*ss with your poor parents - let them have a life
  3. You have already had too many children to simply replace you and your partner - the Earth cant take it
  4. Focus your assets on your existing children they need them more
itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 07/06/2019 15:04

@dottyboxes I think the whole environment argument is a bit silly to be honest - why should OP have her family choices restricted when plenty of people in less developed countries and those of different cultures have multiple children - if you work and can afford kids till they start having less don't see why we should!

But in answer to OPs query yeah you're being selfish - if you can't afford the childcare you shouldn't be considering it

formerbabe · 07/06/2019 15:05

I bet you'd be far less keen to have another child if you had to look after them all by yourself.

SoupDragon · 07/06/2019 15:05

It's completely wrong because of the burden on your parents (who are obviously older now than when they started providing free childcare) and in terms of the environmental impact.

lunar1 · 07/06/2019 15:06

I think you have asked enough of them. Would you even discuss it with them first?

My friend actually had a 4th on this basis and her parents told her when pregnant that they couldn't manage the same again.

I had to delete her off Facebook because all her posts were about how hard done by she was as child care was so expensive and her family were struggling.

SoupDragon · 07/06/2019 15:06

why should OP have her family choices restricted when plenty of people in less developed countries and those of different cultures have multiple children

Conscience?

But your attitude sums up the problem nicely.

OldUnit · 07/06/2019 15:07

YAB Massively U.

You didn't raise the first three, yet your ageing parents and the rest of us ,and the planet are going to be lumbered with a FOURTH.

Ugh. Angry

lucymegan · 07/06/2019 15:09

I'd go for it.

TheFastandCurious · 07/06/2019 15:10

God there are some vile people on this thread. The earth is already lumbered with you!

AlaskanOilBaron · 07/06/2019 15:11

You'd be a selfish cow to do this.

AphidEater · 07/06/2019 15:11

Dangerous to rely on someone else - what if they weren’t able to or decided they didn’t want to?

Also - environmental impact of a 4th ought to be a serious consideration.

I don’t think you should.