Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

4th child dilemma - AIBU?

129 replies

AwfulMum123 · 07/06/2019 14:34

Is it wrong/unadvisable to have a 4th child knowing the only way you can afford to go back to work is to leave the child with your retired parents (who have already looked after the first three 3-4 days per week from the end of Mat leave until school?) They also cover the majority of school holidays for you for the existing three. Child 1 would be close to 13 once child 4 is born so a broad range of ages.

OP posts:
Notabedofroses · 07/06/2019 18:14

And yes they are cf!!!

Aquamarine1029 · 07/06/2019 18:15

Your brother and his wife are selfish arseholes. I feel horrible for your parents.

Loopytiles · 07/06/2019 18:16

The GPs are to blame here too for being doormats and enabling this.

Tinkerbell89 · 07/06/2019 18:17

I'm sorry I agree with others, they have been so kind helping you all these years and to have another and ask for more childcare again doesn't seem fair. They deserve to enjoy retirement and I'm sure they'd look after them on the odd occasion but for relying on permanent childcare wouldn't be fair. If you choose another i think it'd be more appropriate to find/pay for childcare with a professional

Loopytiles · 07/06/2019 18:17

Also treating one of their DC much less favourabLy

AlaskanOilBaron · 07/06/2019 18:18

I bet you're heaving with resentment. I know I would be. They're total chancers.

StCharlotte · 07/06/2019 18:21

Wouldn't your parents not tell them no? (Is she already pregnant?)

tomtom1999xx · 07/06/2019 18:22

Maybe the grandparents actually enjoy looking after the grand children?
Keeps them young maybe?

Notabedofroses · 07/06/2019 18:25

There is nothing youth inducing about looking after three under fives I can tell you !! grin] particularly if you are an arthritic pensioner
Hmm

Unfinishedkitchen · 07/06/2019 18:28

They’re taking the fucking piss.

HighlyUnlikely · 07/06/2019 18:30

My sibling did exactly this, my poor parents were expected (not even asked or discussed with) to look after their kids, babysit whilst they went on holiday, pick up from school and so on... Then once the children were older didn't need looking after anymore, they got a fucking dog and expected my parents to look after that during the day whilst at work and during their numerous holidays.

Let me take a guess... are the parents likely to kick off and refuse to let the GPs see the kids if they refuse to take on another commitment to "helping"?

MindatWork · 07/06/2019 19:12

YESSSSS I knew it! Do I get my trophy now?

In all seriousness though, they are massively U and CF to boot.

Nettie1964 · 07/06/2019 20:15

Ask first. As a grandmother I would willingly look after my grandchildren full time.😀

LeavesAndGreenTrees · 07/06/2019 20:19

I wouldn’t do this myself. I have had two children and no parental help at all. Back to work when they were around 1 year old each time. Only option was nursery/childminder (luckily very nice ones). I’m considering a third but deciding whether it’s financially viable or not.

LeavesAndGreenTrees · 07/06/2019 20:29

The environmental argument has some merit, but you do realise that we need young people to support the elderly. The birth rate has actually gone down dramatically, whilst life expectancy has gone up. The demographic has shifted and the population is much much older than it used to be. We need young people to ensure we can provide pensions, homes, social care and healthcare for our elderly. Also a reason why we need immigration.

Notthetoothfairy · 07/06/2019 20:46

Lots of people saying OP shouldn’t have kids she can’t afford but doesn’t the same apply to pretty much everyone on benefits and anyone suggesting they shouldn’t have kids would be shot down in flames!

SuperSara · 07/06/2019 20:53

You get the feeling that some people are just itching for the next pandemic to kill off the old and the sick.

That's quite some conflation!

Smaller population = not replacing people so quickly - I.e. 1 or 2 kids per family.

Healthier = not making ourselves chronically, long term sick through eating shit, smoking and drinking heavily and not exercising.

More productive = good, widely available education and training, and less of the zero hours, dead end stuff.

But you've decided that means killing old and sick people off. Hmm

Refer back to the bit of my post about selfish people twisting things to suit their life choices.

AlaskanOilBaron · 07/06/2019 20:54

Lots of people saying OP shouldn’t have kids she can’t afford but doesn’t the same apply to pretty much everyone on benefits and anyone suggesting they shouldn’t have kids would be shot down in flames!

MN does have a strange affection for people who bring babies into straitened circumstances.

sincethereis · 07/06/2019 20:58

They Are massive CFs!

Merryoldgoat · 07/06/2019 21:36

Well, they are CF but your parent could say ‘no’.

I’m fortunate to have been helped with childcare but it’s a discussion, no expectations and my PIL are very clear about when it suits them.

IABUQueen · 07/06/2019 22:03

Whoever said this wS a reverse and it’s SIL asking the question, wins the trophy for sure.

Wouldn’t have even crossed my mind lol

Yabbers · 07/06/2019 22:47

None of your business. Your parents can say no if they want.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/06/2019 09:07

Maybe not her business directly, @Yabbers - but doesn't the OP have the right to worry about her parents and this extra load being thrust on them with little or no consultation?

Alwaysgrey · 08/06/2019 17:43

What do your parents feel about the whole thing? Personally I think it’s selfish.

FuckMNDoubleStandards · 08/06/2019 18:56

Would they get a say in this and be asked if they even wanted to? I think it's selfish on your part and highly inconsiderate. They should be able to now finally enjoy their retirement, evidently they've done a lot for you.

Pay for childcare or don't have a 4th. Also consider environmental impact, we now need to all do our bit when and where we can.