4th child dilemma - AIBU?

[AwfulMum123]

Is it wrong/unadvisable to have a 4th child knowing the only way you can afford to go back to work is to leave the child with your retired parents (who have already looked after the first three 3-4 days per week from the end of Mat leave until school?) They also cover the majority of school holidays for you for the existing three. Child 1 would be close to 13 once child 4 is born so a broad range of ages.

[MorondelaFrontera]

Let's keep having 3+ children we can't bring up ourselves but have to rely on Grandparents just so those children can pay tax to help us later in life. Odd reason.

you are confusing 2 things.
The parent in the OP is wrong.
Having 4 children in itself is not wrong, if you can afford them.

[Sexnotgender]

That’d be a total dick move. Grandparents have done their child rearing. Look after your own bloody kids.

[OldUnit]

You say 'tax payers', I say 'consumers'.

[teyem]

I'm going to assume, based on the way you have worded this that you are not the person having a fourth child?

Otherwise the op would have gone like this...

My parents, who are incredibly fit and healthy for their age, just adore looking after the other three DC and have said, on more than one occasion, that it keeps them young and full of life, unlike their tired and bored peers...Aibu to have another?

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

I don’t think that the OP (or whoever the person the OP is about) is a bad or selfish person, but I do think they would be wrong to have another child on the assumption that the retired grandparents will do the childcare for free.

Even if they were willing to do it now, they might not be willing to commit to doing it for the next 11 years minimum - or they might not be physically capable of doing the care, in years to come.

As a middle aged woman, with adult sons (but no daughters in law or grandchildren yet), I would NOT be happy if any of my sons took me for granted this way. I would help out where I could, but I would not be willing to commit to doing full time childcare. Basically I feel that I have done my share of it with the dses - and that was when I was younger, fitter and had energy. I know I wouldn’t be capable of doing it now, and it wouldn’t be fair on me or on the children.

[Bambamber]

Of course it's wrong! It would be incredibly selfish of you to just expect them to look after your child

What would happen if they said no?

[SuperSara]

Posters on here might moan, but someone will have to pay their healthcare and pensions, where do they think the money and the staff will come from exactly?

A pyramid scheme? And where will it stop?

What about when 4 kids each produce 4 more? And they each produce 4 more?

Selfish people promote this idea because it suits their way of thinking not because it's the right way to provide care and pensions.

A smaller, healthier, more productive population is how the human race, and the planet, will survive.

Not by passing off your own wants as altruism.

[3timeslucky]

I think you'd be mad. Putting aside whether it is fair on your parents, what happens if one or both of them develops a serious health issue (or dies)? What if they move? Your house of cards is already in danger of crashing down if anything happens in their lives.

[Millie2018]

Urm, yes it is wrong.

[ethelfleda]

@dottyboxes I think the whole environment argument is a bit silly to be honest - why should OP have her family choices restricted when plenty of people in less developed countries and those of different cultures have multiple children - if you work and can afford kids till they start having less don't see why we should!

Wow. Ignorance at its finest.

You know that children in the west have a much higher carbon footprint than those in developing countries as well, right? And theirs are less like to live to be old enough to have their own...

[MorondelaFrontera]

A smaller, healthier, more productive population is how the human race, and the planet, will survive.



ok, well you sort out the unproductive elements of our society and when it's done you come back to me about my kids ok?

[teyem]

A smaller, healthier, more productive population is how the human race, and the planet, will survive

You get the feeling that some people are just itching for the next pandemic to kill off the old and the sick.

[Fundays12]

Very selfish, inconsiderate and completely unfair on a retired couple who have spent years helping you with your kids (I say helping but having them 3 to 4 days is much more than helping it’s taking on a parenting type role).

Have another child if you can afford to pay for childcare but if not stop now.

[IABUQueen]

I think :

1- figure out whether they were enjoying the childcare responsibilities or not first of all

2- don’t rely on them fully. Perhaps actually send the child to an actual nursery once they’re 1 yo.

3- consider working part time. And if you can’t or can’t afford proper childcare then your lifestyle obviously doesn’t permit for more young ones.


If your decision involves other factors and other people, then you really should base it on consulting said people. Also don’t just ask your parents, have a feel of things.

Ask them “what’s your plans for enjoying retirement”? See what they’re looking forward to.. some parents really enjoy having small ones around. But it’s tedious and most likely they would want to have your older kids around to enjoy them and not to just do all the tedious work.

So while I like big families and would love one myself, but if I had the same circumstances as you, and I can’t afford to be staying at home for my fourth child, then it would be selfish to impose that on my retired parents

[CurlyWurlyTwirly]

Presuming this post is a reverse. I'd hazard a guess for a sibling taking advantage of elderly parents for childcare

[DCIRozHuntley]

I think this thread is really really eye opening and shocking. Why is it ok to say that OP's kids are being "brought up by someone else" because they're with grandparents but not say the same if they're with nursery or a nanny?! (Answer: it's never ok to say that someone else, paid or unpaid, is bringing up DC on a working couple's behalf unless the kids have been placed in 24/7 foster care.)

However OP WBVU to have another DC, whether it's number one or number twelve, and expect or assume regular childcare from grandparents. I'd also be mindful of a 13 year age gap meaning a toddler around during tricky exam years, and it's likely that OP is old enough that, statistically, pregnancy complications become a genuine concern. Would the family dynamic cope with a difficult pregnancy, pregnancy loss or a disabled child?

That said, I am very happy having more children than it makes sense to have on paper.

[SoundofSilence]

What would you do if one of your parents developed health problems (or quite reasonably decided that enough was enough) and the free childcare stopped? If that would be a problem, it sounds like a bad idea to me.

Incidentally, my retired parents were utterly exhausted by a couple of hours with my little question machine. They loved the idea of giving me a chance to escape for a little bit of freedom on my bike. By the time I got back, they had a WWE tag-team arrangement going so that one entertained him while the other recovered. You might get one like that next time.

[IABUQueen]

Oh gosh is this a reverse!! ... Awkward 😖

Dear grandparents, just keep mentioning your retirement plans and dreams to your daughter... it will send a subtle message that she is imposing on your plans.

If she asks outright, politely ask her if she can sort out other forms of childcare and that you can help out in emergencies.

Don’t just say yes if you don’t enjoy it.. and to be fair it’s a very big ask. I only have one and can’t expect that’s from my mother

[pokepoke]

This has got to be a reverse!!

I can't believe these CF parents have let their retired parents do their childcare for three kids for 13 years and are contemplating a fourth!

Absolutely unreasonable and grandparents have already had their time raising their own kids! Let them retire and live their lives for themselves for once 😱

[ArloRoo01]

Think you already know the answer, a big no from me. I have 3 and have paid for childcare for all of them wouldn't dream of asking retired parents

[MarthasGinYard]

Feel really sorry for the GP's can't be a pleasure when it's expected

[AwfulMum123]

I’m back! I haven’t legged it! This scenario isn’t actually me but my brother and his wife. My gut feeling was that it was unreasonable of them to consider a 4th but I wanted to see if it was just me. I have just one child and live a long way from my parents and wondered if it was a bit of jealousy on my part over their £0 childcare bill vs my £££ childcare bill that was making me a bit judgy. Thanks for all of your thoughts.

[MorondelaFrontera]

wondered if it was a bit of jealousy on my part over their £0 childcare bill vs my £££ childcare bill that was making me a bit judgy.

might be, but you would be very entitled to be jealous. I can't stand parents who end up treating their children differently like that - the fact that you live further is not an excuse.

For your own parents sake though, your brother is BU.

[AlaskanOilBaron]

So you ARE the SIL!!!

Super sleuths lurk here.

[Notabedofroses]

We knew it!!!!!