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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH's response to offensive comments

121 replies

Song33 · 06/06/2019 17:58

Scrolling back through DH's text messages to look for a postcode (at his request, while he was driving), I spotted a message his friend sent insinuating that DH might visit a prostitute whilst away for work.

DH's reply was to laugh and turn it back on him as being more his friend's style, but not before pointing out where he was and what he was doing, as though it would be difficult to do given the circumstances.

I know it's his friend and maybe he wanted to make light of it or not get into it if he has a different opinion on these matters (I believed he did!) but I wanted to see a reply along the lines of how he's happily married and wouldn't want to be exploitative to women!

Should I ask him about this? Am I wrong to be annoyed?

OP posts:
geekone · 06/06/2019 18:00

Yes YABVU

Daffodil2018 · 06/06/2019 18:03

YABU. There is no way he was going to tell his friend that it’s exploitative to women even if that is what he believes. Let it go.

Charm23 · 06/06/2019 18:03

Sounds like banter to me? Your DH probably didn't want to appear uptight/no sense of humour by coming out with "I'm happily married" etc. which I'm sure his friend already knows :) I'd leave it but I'm super chill about stuff like this.

BoomBoomsCousin · 06/06/2019 18:03

If you think the comments mean he might actually have taken his friend up on the idea if only he hadn’t been doing whatever it was he was doing that made it impractical, then maybe a discussion would be good so you can understand his position and whether you want to stay with him or not.

If you just want to berate because his deflection isn’t the sort of response you want him to use to his friend then, no. Trying to dictate how he handles his friends is controlling, even if it’s something you feel strongly about.

Original poster
Song33 · 06/06/2019 18:08

BoomBoomsCousin I don't want to control his response, and that's why I meant about maybe understanding his approach in context. I'd have been much more comfortable seeing thr kind of response I described because what he said has made me question him.

I guess I don't know if it's banter and to let it go, as I know his true feelings... Or if I'm being incredibly naive about that and, in fact, he tells me what he thinks I want to hear and his actual opinion and behaviour are hidden!

OP posts:
AuntMarch · 06/06/2019 18:11

Unless it said "I wish, won't get the chance though", I don't really know what you're bothered about.

Was the postcode in the message thread? If so he clearly wasn't worried about you seeing it so won't have even considered that you might take offense to it - because there's nothing to take offense to.
(And if the postcode wasn't in that message thread why were you reading it)

Rachelle11 · 06/06/2019 18:14

YABU You need to let that go.

Original poster
Song33 · 06/06/2019 18:16

AuntMarch

Yes, his friend had sent the address in a text a few days before the messages were exchanged, so had to get further back in time. I guess you're right he wasn't worried about me noticing it (unless he'd forgotten), or deleting it.

OP posts:
Spudina · 06/06/2019 18:21

Not worth getting upset about. No man I know would respond in the way you wanted. Even the really good ones.

Mythreefavouritethings · 06/06/2019 18:36

No man is going to use a casual text conversation to put across political views on prostitution. He’s entitled to speak to them any way he wants and as the whole thing sounds in a jokey context anyway, it would look a bit preachy and weird to start lecturing. Unless there’s something underlying going on with you both, this doesn’t sound anything of concern at all.

WhatsInAName19 · 06/06/2019 18:41

This kind of "banter" is not something I tolerate. I don't subscribe to the idea that men are slaves to lad culture and peer pressure, and simply can't avoid it/remove themselves from those situations or friendship groups. My DH doesn't have the kind of friends who would make jokes about visiting prostitutes. If he did, he wouldn't be my DH. You can tell A LOT about a person from the company they keep.

Holdthedamndoor · 06/06/2019 18:42

If I was texting my friend in a jokey manner, about they went all serious. I would assume her husband had nicked her phone.

It was a joke converstation. Bet it's not even the other blokes style. It's just something he said.

but I wanted to see a reply along the lines of how he's happily married and wouldn't want to be exploitative to women!

Surely his friend knows he is married and knows wether he is exploitative to women.

Though the reply you want suggests being exploitative to women is ok, if you arent happily married.

Antigon · 06/06/2019 18:43

Whilst it could just be banter, this would make me more vigilant about DH. Explaining that what he was doing and where he was as not being conducive to visiting a prostitute may just be 'bantz' but it could also indicate that he open to the possibility if the circumstances are right.

saraclara · 06/06/2019 18:48

No man I know would respond in the way you wanted. Even the really good ones.

Exactly. And also most women would also laugh off an off colour suggestion rather than preach at a friend.
I don't think you've anything to worry about at all, OP. If your partner had anything to hide (in general, not just this conversation) he wouldn't let you near his phone

AcrossthePond55 · 06/06/2019 18:49

I know my husband well enough to know that a response along the line of your DH's was simply deflection. It certainly wouldn't make me doubt his fidelity!!

If he was having a serious conversation with a friend regarding prostitution in general I would expect him to state his ethical beliefs. If he didn't it still wouldn't make me doubt him, but I would consider it a bit cowardly.

I think you're blowing this out of proportion. If you know and trust him, don't start something that will put him on the defensive and end up getting you nowhere.

Original poster
Song33 · 06/06/2019 18:54

Holdthedamndoor

Though the reply you want suggests being exploitative to women is ok, if you arent happily married.

No, I said 'and'. I was listing two separate, good reasons. If I thought it being exploitation was dependent on marital status, I would have said 'so' or 'therefore' to distinguish.

OP posts:
StreetwiseHercules · 06/06/2019 18:55

“This kind of "banter" is not something I tolerate. I don't subscribe to the idea that men are slaves to lad culture and peer pressure, and simply can't avoid it/remove themselves from those situations or friendship groups. My DH doesn't have the kind of friends who would make jokes about visiting prostitutes. If he did, he wouldn't be my DH. You can tell A LOT about a person from the company they keep.”

Terrifying. What a scary, controlling and extreme attitude.

Holdthedamndoor · 06/06/2019 18:58

Song33 it was actually the 'wouldnt want' that made me think it.

Rather than 'and am not...' if you get what I mean.

I just thought if you were aware he had a dodgy past, I may be able to understand why this has upset you.

As it is, I think yabu.

TidyDancer · 06/06/2019 19:01

OP, is this symptomatic of something else going on? I can't imagine being bothered by this or even having a reaction of any kind tbh unless I had other concerns about my DH.

Original poster
Song33 · 06/06/2019 19:02

*No man is going to use a casual text conversation to put across political views on prostitution.

they went all serious. I would assume her husband had nicked her phone.

There is no way he was going to tell his friend that it’s exploitative to women even if that is what he believes.*

It seems most people really think this is the expected/natural response and I'm genuinely surprised. I thought people really did call others out on what they see as prejudice or inappropriate behaviour. I know it's not directly aimed at anyone, but I've heard DH (and others I know) shut down rape jokes or racist comments when the need arises, without worrying about looking like they can't take 'banter'.

OP posts:
StreetwiseHercules · 06/06/2019 19:04

Well, it’s a bit different that, isn’t it? FGS.

Holdthedamndoor · 06/06/2019 19:06

See my dp would fire something back like your dh did.

Because DP feels someone saying you use prostitutes is an insult. The way he sees it is that is friend would be saying he is a low life shit bag and the only woman that would be with him is if he paid her. So insulting his morals and values and his personality and looks.

Instead of ripping strips off a friend for a poor joke, he would turn it around. Or one of his close mates would get 'Really you calling Hold a prostitute.....let's she what she has to say about that? Hmm'

At which point it would probably have an apology. A funny one.

Dp doesnt argue unless he really needs to and would prefer to bounce something back at someone he doesnt like

Original poster
Song33 · 06/06/2019 19:08

Holdthedamndoor OK, I see what you mean. By 'wouldn't want', I meant that I'd assume, knowing him, that he wouldn't use prostitutes for his benefit, even if that was his only option, as he 'wouldn't want to be involved in' / 'would not be comfortable with 'using' women, morally.

OP posts:
CassianAndor · 06/06/2019 19:09

Fucking ‘banter’, how I hate that word. It means ‘I like to think I give a shit about women but I don’t if it’s going to mean pulling up a mate who’s being a misogynistic prick.’

If more men pulled up their mates instead of engaging in banter the world might be a slightly better place for women. As it is, they know that can hold whatever shit views they like and they’ll never lose a mate over it.

Original poster
Song33 · 06/06/2019 19:13

An interesting point about firing back the comment to deflect and avoid confrontation.

Others have said things along the lines of 'it's not offensive ffs, get over yourself', but I feel it is offensive and insulting to him as well as me, in the 'the only woman that would be with him is if he paid her' sense.

I guess I just expected him to stand up for himself instead of playing along.

OP posts:
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