DH's response to offensive comments

[Song33]

Scrolling back through DH's text messages to look for a postcode (at his request, while he was driving), I spotted a message his friend sent insinuating that DH might visit a prostitute whilst away for work.

DH's reply was to laugh and turn it back on him as being more his friend's style, but not before pointing out where he was and what he was doing, as though it would be difficult to do given the circumstances.

I know it's his friend and maybe he wanted to make light of it or not get into it if he has a different opinion on these matters (I believed he did!) but I wanted to see a reply along the lines of how he's happily married and wouldn't want to be exploitative to women!

Should I ask him about this? Am I wrong to be annoyed?

I think it's generally better if the self-righteous and humourless marry people with similar attitudes. Why spoil two homes, as a mate of mine used to say.

Ah yes. Because unless you think lad culture, misogyny and jokes about the exploitation of women are funny then you must be a sour faced prude 🙄

@IGottaSeeJane your response would be relevant if I had said "I don't allow my DH to have the friends of his choosing", but I didn't. I just would never have ended up in a long term relationship and subsequently married to a man who immersed himself in lad culture and had friends who joke about prostitutes. It's bizarre to try and assert that having standards in terms of the values and behaviour you look for in a partner is "controlling". It is not logical. Do you just put up with anything? Surely there must be some morals or values that you look for in a partner? Deal breakers?

What is scary is the number of women who seem so insecure and desperate to be the "cool wife" that they excuse the poor behaviour of some men under the guise of lad's banter, and then try to aggressively shame other women who don't tolerate it by calling them humourless, self righteous, controlling etc.

What you’re saying just doesn’t seem very likely. What country is it?

I'm astounded at the cluelessness. And the aggressive and arrogant way you are spouting your ignorance. How can someone be so unaware of what life is like across the globe for women. Yes, there absolutely are countries where women are dehumanised and prostitution is normalised.

street

Cool, sounds fun.

Get a clue, seriously. Do some research before you start making silly, ignorant comments.

What country is it? Just so we can test the claims made about it.

And there it is.

Anyone who doesnt demand their husband acts in a certain way is a "cool wife"

I think some people are kidding themselves if they think their partners dont occassionally laugh to be polite, or remaining neutral instead of standing up for their political beliefs and values at every turn. I an talking about men and women.

It's also quite odd to assume, not putting someone in their place so automatically immersed in lad culture.

I have friends that I dont agree or like every part of them. My best friend is wonderful, but can fly off the handle and not speak to her siblings over the smallest disagreement, she isnt like that with me. When she texts me about the newest drama, I give her a neutral answer. Occassionally, I tell her she is being a dick but not always. Still love her to bits though.

I am not agreeing by not challenging. I just know what she is like. If the ops husband knows this man sometimes makes inappropriate jokes, but likes everything else about him and chooses to just bat back inappropriate jokes. That's up to him. It doesnt mean he is immersed in lad culture or than anyone who is ok with that a 'cool wife'.

"How can someone be so unaware of what life is like across the globe for women."

Because they'd rather live in their bubble and not look at how life is for most people.

Where I live, you can't walk down the street without seeing at least one brothel. Red light districts are in every area of the city. Calling cards all over the street, even beside schools. People don't even see it, it's so prevalent.

And it's far worse in other countries. Apparently in Cambodia, something like 80-90% of men go to prostitutes.

street Why? You're exactly the type of person who'll turn round and say it's not like that.

I don't feel the need to prove myself to you.

This has nothing to do with the OP anyway, so I won't be answering your questions any more.

Ok dokey.

"I think some people are kidding themselves if they think their partners dont occassionally laugh to be polite, or remaining neutral instead of standing up for their political beliefs and values at every turn. I an talking about men and women."

I don't think anyone thinks that.

But there's nothing wrong with being disappointed in them if they don't.

I don't always stick my neck out either. And later, I feel disappointed in myself, but you live and learn.

No one is demanding perfection, we are all aware of the limitations inherent in being human.

Surely your DHs friend should know he's happily married, without him stating it.

I feel that ppl who say their 'happily married'... aren't always.

Also...if your DH said he was happily married, you'd think he would go to a prostitute if he wasn't...so you'd still not be happy about it.

Not that I'm suggesting you should be happy.

This exploitation of women is done by women too. All those madams who run high class brothels... this is just one of them

www.google.com/amp/s/www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/mum-accused-of-running-500k-escort-1433474.amp

You get disappointed in someone for being perfectly human and not navigating every situation in a way you think is 'right'

I guess I just dont get putting yourself or anyone else under the pressure of disappointing someone if they dont act perfectly.

Besides which the OP is more bothered that he didnt point out that he was happily married. Which this man probably knows, as opposed to the womens issues around it.

Anyone who doesnt demand their husband acts in a certain way is a "cool wife"

Like banging my head against a brick wall 🤦🏽‍♀️Choosing a partner who has values that are in line with your own IS NOT CONTROLLING. I'm not demanding that my husband behaves in a certain way; our relationship has succeeded because we naturally share the same values. He doesn't behave like misogynistic prick because he's not a misogynistic prick, not because I "demand" he doesn't behave like one. Not sure what is difficult to understand about this.

It's also quite odd to assume, not putting someone in their place so automatically immersed in lad culture.

We're all entitled to our own opinions. I can see why you would take that position. Personally I feel that it's unlikely that a man who is respectful of women would be friends with the kind of men who joke about prostitutes. It's just not a conversation I can see my DH or any of my brothers or my father having with their friends.

Also worth pointing out that there are plenty of women and feminists who don't despise sex work and sex workers.

Men will be men! They will have a laugh with their mates and think nothing of it!!

I recently got back into my DPs car and he was on the phone to one of the lads, and he was joking and said "shhh she's back" his mate started asking me where he would get a woman like me (he has been single for awhile but dating a fair bit from what I can gather), I didn't get the joke but I said I was one in a million! When his mate had hung up, DP told me that he had told his mate how he'd got a BJ off me as soon as he got home from work that day. How it came up I don't know but I thought that was weird at first, but when I thought about I would have that kind of joke with the girls too.

It would be worse if he said he was going for one! He told his mate it was more his style! I would not be worried!

I’m happy to be accused of being cool. It’s better than being constantly in a state of offence, angry and suspicious. I have an image of MNetter wedding ceremonies that end with all friends of the opposite sex being told they are no longer allowed to associate with the couple and that they must leave with all hobby friends before the ILs sign a vow never to attend a hospital or home within 1 month of birth. The final act will be the ceremonial setting of an location tracker and sharing of access codes.

And whilst we are on the subject, this conversation doesn’t look like a postcode. So why not scroll on instead of invading your husbands privacy by intently reading something he didn’t want you to see.

WhatsInAName19 yes you said so many 'cool wives' willing to put up with that.

For me theres a huge difference between do not making a huge fuss about one shit joke from friend who is 99% a decent person and between being mates with someone who can open their mouth with offensive shit falling out and think they are amazing.

I know my friends all have occassional faults dont always act how I would. If its occasional, I can over look it. If it's all the time, maybe not.

Accepting the same from my partner doesnr make any one a cool wife

You will end up disappointed if you think you husband only has friends that share is values and never fuck up and say the wrong thing.

"I’m happy to be accused of being cool. It’s better than being constantly in a state of offence, angry and suspicious."

Are those really the only two options available in your mind?

"feminists who don't despise sex work and sex workers."

I've never met a feminist who despised sex workers. Despising sex work is an entirely different thing.

Also worth pointing out that there are plenty of women and feminists who don't despise sex work and sex workers.

By definition a feminist would not support the purchasing of female bodies by men. Despising sex workers is a totally different thing altogether. I for one oppose the sex industry largely because I feel that sex workers are on the whole exploited and extremely vulnerable to abuse etc. It's the exact opposite of despising them.

@SheQuakes you have decided that it's "one shit joke from friend who is 99% a decent person" but that's purely your assumption. I suppose my comments would seem extreme if you frame the OP that way. I guess I'm framing it as this friend being someone who has form for this kind of "hilarious" banter. Because, in my experience, the men I am close to just really aren't the type to even make one joke like that. I just cannot imagine a quip about prostitution slipping out thoughtlessly.

WhatsInAName19 and you are assuming he is the total opposite

The OP hasnt said anything.

But its interesting that you jump to the extreme of not being happy with the dh and assumption the friend is a total dick. And start talking about how you wouldnt want a dh that associated with these sorts of people.

Mine would! He pulls men up on their behaviour and comments towards women ever since I’ve first known him and we’ve been married 30 years. It’s one of the reasons I love him so much.

Just as well, because he hasn't got any other friends!

How the heck do you know?!

I find it really sad that there are so many women here who put up with men who have so little respect for women. There are plenty of men out there who are not like that. You just need to have some standards and not put up with this shit.

Should I feel upset if my partner came on here saying s/he would "climb (celebrity name) like a tree " or is that just banter?

@species5618 - I often watch films with DP and comment on the hot guys in it! He knows I am only messing!

I would never sit in a pub and do it though!

Should I feel upset if my partner came on here saying s/he would "climb (celebrity name) like a tree " or is that just banter

It happens regularly on here. Its toxic femininity and everyone who posts in such threads is immersed in ladette culture, I won't associate with anyone who wouldn't challenge such views wherever they find them.

and you are assuming he is the total opposite. The OP hasnt said anything

Yes, this is exactly what I just said. You and I have both made assumptions that we have little basis for, other than our own experience.

And start talking about how you wouldnt want a dh that associated with these sorts of people.

I wouldn't, no. And it's my right to make choices on what I look for/avoid in a partner.

What is scary is the number of women who seem so insecure and desperate to be the "cool wife" that they excuse the poor behaviour of some men under the guise of lad's banter, and then try to aggressively shame other women who don't tolerate it by calling them humourless, self righteous, controlling etc.

I think it would be a mistake to assume that all the posters here are women.