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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's response to offensive comments

121 replies

Song33 · 06/06/2019 17:58

Scrolling back through DH's text messages to look for a postcode (at his request, while he was driving), I spotted a message his friend sent insinuating that DH might visit a prostitute whilst away for work.

DH's reply was to laugh and turn it back on him as being more his friend's style, but not before pointing out where he was and what he was doing, as though it would be difficult to do given the circumstances.

I know it's his friend and maybe he wanted to make light of it or not get into it if he has a different opinion on these matters (I believed he did!) but I wanted to see a reply along the lines of how he's happily married and wouldn't want to be exploitative to women!

Should I ask him about this? Am I wrong to be annoyed?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 06/06/2019 23:24

DH's reply was to laugh and turn it back on him as being more his friend's style

It's not your DHs style to use prostitutes.
YABU

When a friend engages in behaviour you disapprove of or is morally wrong ..like having an affair....you really don't need to lecture them about it.

They know it's wrong. They will only see you as judgmental.

I can't see any man responding as you would have liked.

At best they'd back off the friendship.

Out of interest, is the friend married or in a relationship?

SandyY2K · 06/06/2019 23:32

@lifecraft

Mine would! He pulls men up on their behaviour and comments towards women ever since I’ve first known him and we’ve been married 30 years. It’s one of the reasons I love him so much.

Just as well, because he hasn't got any other friends! Grin

Do you know her DH?

I'd must say, I'd be rather irritated if my DH felt the need to do that. I'd rather he just stopped associating with those kind of people.

I'm also suspicious of ppl who carry on so self righteous to this degree. Hidden agenda comes to mind.

WhatsInAName19 · 06/06/2019 23:44

@StreetwiseHercules your comments are quite aggressive and you are jumping to some hefty conclusions. I'm not controlling in the least. I just have certain values that are extremely important to me and if a partner didn't share them, I wouldn't continue the relationship. Some things - such as being part of a laddish group who joke about visiting prostitutes - speak to a person's character. I would never demand that a partner drop their friends as that is not my right. I would simply not continue a relationship with a person like that because our values would not be compatible. I can't imagine that it would go beyond a few dates for me. Everyone is entitled to have deal breakers and expectations within a relationship and we are all free to leave a relationship with someone who doesn't match with our values. Otherwise we would all just pick any old person to settle down with.

WhatsInAName19 · 06/06/2019 23:54

And actually, I think your comment Well, it’s a bit different that, isn’t it? FGS in response to OP saying that her husband has previously shut down rape jokes is the crux of your difference of opinion with a couple of other posters. It's not different. At all. When sex is paid for, it's no longer possible to ensure meaningful consent. A joke about paying a woman for sex is a rape joke.

Original poster
Song33 · 06/06/2019 23:59

WhatsInAName19

You're right that @StreetwiseHercules is getting fairly aggressive towards anyone who disagrees. I don't see the need to be so dogmatic.

The irony is I've been trying to place that name and it just came to me... "Where have all the good men gone?" indeed!

OP posts:
saraclara · 07/06/2019 00:03

You've been reading MN too much, OP. Everybody clapping back and calling people out. Ending discussions definitively with one-liners followed by glares and head tilts. It doesn't really happen in the real world though, not as much as the fantasists on here would have you believe
Ha! You've summed this place up! I don't know a single person who'd respond to problems in the way many Mumsnetters say they would do. And if some people do, I very much doubt that it actually does any good for their relationships.

MorondelaFrontera · 07/06/2019 00:08

I wanted to see a reply along the lines of how he's happily married and wouldn't want to be exploitative to women!

hahaha

Don't be so insecure. I wouldn't even reply that if a friend was joking about a possible stripper from a hen night or something. No one replies that they are "happily married" when they friends make a stupid joke.

BlackPrism · 07/06/2019 00:09

I think it was quite a good response Tbf. Made it clear he wouldn't, that it wasn't his thing while not being defensive

ReanimatedSGB · 07/06/2019 00:14

I think it's generally better if the self-righteous and humourless marry people with similar attitudes. Why spoil two homes, as a mate of mine used to say.
OP: get over yourself. You don't have the right to police every conversation your H has with other people and award him brownie points for obediently parroting your views.

Original poster
Song33 · 07/06/2019 00:20

ReanimatedSGB

If you read my posts, you'll find I haven't in fact asserted I have the right to police every conversation or award brownie points. I've explained about what HIS views are, or so he's told me, and that it's disappointing that it seems to be a different story in front of someone else, to keep the peace.

OP posts:
IGottaSeeJane · 07/06/2019 00:21

This kind of "banter" is not something I tolerate. I don't subscribe to the idea that men are slaves to lad culture and peer pressure, and simply can't avoid it/remove themselves from those situations or friendship groups. My DH doesn't have the kind of friends who would make jokes about visiting prostitutes. If he did, he wouldn't be my DH. You can tell A LOT about a person from the company they keep.

The attitudes expressed in this thread are extremely controlling and frankly rather frightening.

IGottaSeeJane · 07/06/2019 00:22

"thread! I meant post. Still scary though.

MorondelaFrontera · 07/06/2019 00:24

I agree, I can't help picturing the male element of such a controlling person to have a laugh as soon as she has her back turned (bantering, not cheating)

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 07/06/2019 00:26

Personally I wouldn't get worked up about it or even think twice.

It's obviously a joke between two friends. You aren't happy with it however he wasn't having a conversation with you.

People mess around all the time with friends, I think he replied quite well tbh.

BurpingFrog · 07/06/2019 00:37

OP, I wouldn't have liked his response either. I would have been disappointed too.

I like to think some men might reply to put across their views without getting preachy

EG:
A: Going on a work trip to X
B: You should visit a prostitute when you're there!
A: Ha, do you know, that's never been my thing. It's pretty exploitative after all. Anyway, what are your plans this weekend? Let's do a pub night soon.

I do think it sounds as if your DH was just focused on a reply that wouldn't make his friend feel uncomfortable at all.

To be frank, I can think of times when I have laughed something off or made light of something when the view expressed was abhorrent to me, just to be polite. I am ashamed of myself for that and, in the same way, I think your DH could have done better in his response!

Justaboy · 07/06/2019 01:00

I wouldnt read anything into this it is the sort of banter jokey crap that does go on. Give it another century or so and it might die out;(

NunoGoncalves · 07/06/2019 02:15

It's not "banter", it's just a person taking a jokey comment as it was intended rather than going off on a moral tirade at their friend. That's how [good] friendships work, for both men and women!

Tavannach · 07/06/2019 02:22

“This kind of "banter" is not something I tolerate. I don't subscribe to the idea that men are slaves to lad culture and peer pressure, and simply can't avoid it/remove themselves from those situations or friendship groups. My DH doesn't have the kind of friends who would make jokes about visiting prostitutes. If he did, he wouldn't be my DH. You can tell A LOT about a person from the company they keep.”

Terrifying. What a scary, controlling and extreme attitude.

No, it's not terrifying, it's just how some men are. What's extreme is the attitude that misogynistic banter is somehow socially acceptable because it's a lad thing.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 07/06/2019 03:19

igotta I'm not seeing what's controlling about that. I don't hang around with racist or sexist people and I'm happy to cut such people out of my life.

OP, I'd be disappointed too but not angry as such. I live in a country where going to prostitutes is normalised, something like 50% of men go to them regularly. My husband has cut off friends who mention it or who send photos of porn etc. Maybe as a single guy he would have tolerated it more, I don't know, but he is very family oriented and he finds it disgusting to disrespect me by being around such people. I don't know how much he worries about the exploitation of women in general but I know that he would definitely stand up against his friends if they said that kind of shit.

He is not "woke" at all, he couldn't tell you the first thing about feminism or human rights, he's just a decent person.

This is in a country where feminism is a dirty word and women are basically seen as child bearing vessels or as sluts. So if he capable of saying something in that environment, I don't get why guys in the UK have to go along cos it's "banter".

StreetwiseHercules · 07/06/2019 06:40

Oh aye? What country is that?

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 07/06/2019 06:41

streetwise how is it relevant to you?

StreetwiseHercules · 07/06/2019 07:34

Just keen to know if you are talking rubbish or not.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 07/06/2019 07:36

street and unless you'd lived in that particular country for a significant amount of time, it seems unlikely that you'd know, so why bother?

StreetwiseHercules · 07/06/2019 07:40

What you’re saying just doesn’t seem very likely. What country is it?

I live in a country where badgers have gained the power of speech and are trying to instigate a deep state government takeover.

Shequakes · 07/06/2019 08:22

Ha, do you know, that's never been my thing. It's pretty exploitative after all. Anyway, what are your plans this weekend? Let's do a pub night soon.

See if I read this response on dps phone I would read it as 'I know my dp checks my phone so giving terribly PC response so she thinks I am great'.

Totally fake. Why the need to point out its exploitative. As pp said, a lot of men see a suggestion of a prostitute as an insult. The friend had a jokey dig at him. He batted it back in neutral way.

I dont believe that anyone challenges inappropriate jokes at every turn in every situation. Just doesnt happen.