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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's response to offensive comments

121 replies

Song33 · 06/06/2019 17:58

Scrolling back through DH's text messages to look for a postcode (at his request, while he was driving), I spotted a message his friend sent insinuating that DH might visit a prostitute whilst away for work.

DH's reply was to laugh and turn it back on him as being more his friend's style, but not before pointing out where he was and what he was doing, as though it would be difficult to do given the circumstances.

I know it's his friend and maybe he wanted to make light of it or not get into it if he has a different opinion on these matters (I believed he did!) but I wanted to see a reply along the lines of how he's happily married and wouldn't want to be exploitative to women!

Should I ask him about this? Am I wrong to be annoyed?

OP posts:
Mummadeeze · 06/06/2019 19:18

My friend texted me to say was it a bit wrong that she fancied a boy band (who are quite young). I texted back (completely joking) Well I’d go there (or something like that). She then said ‘which one?’ to which I wrote back ‘all three!’ Obviously I was trying to make my friend laugh. These boys are young enough to be my sons, I don’t actually fancy any of them and obviously I wouldn’t actually sleep with any of them even given the opportunity. But my partner saw the text thread and was furious, saying I was disrespectful and disgusting etc towards him. He just couldn’t see that it was a silly jokey conversation between friends. So it might well be a similar situation to that and if so, I probably would let your partner joke around with his friend in his own way and not interfere. I felt very unjustly judged when it happened to me.

StreetwiseHercules · 06/06/2019 19:19

So what if something is offensive? If you are offended by something, so what?

You are an adult. The world doesn’t own you an existence in which you are not offended. This comment was not said to you. It’s got nothing to do with you. Mind your own business.

Dewdew · 06/06/2019 19:19

but I feel it is offensive and insulting to him as well as me, in the 'the only woman that would be with him is if he paid her' sense.
Now you're just concocting things, that weren't said or implied, and taking offence at them.

Original poster
Song33 · 06/06/2019 19:21

CassianAndor I agree about 'banter', and even think it in quotation marks, as it feels like an excuse. That's why I'm annoyed he joined in, but I guess I can't be too disappointed in him personally, since the majority of the women (I assume) who've replied would accept it and see as no big deal. I feel like it's a self fulfilling prophecy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Song33 · 06/06/2019 19:25

*Dewdew

but I feel it is offensive and insulting to him as well as me, in the 'the only woman that would be with him is if he paid her' sense.
Now you're just concocting things, that weren't said or implied, and taking offence at them.*

I haven't concocted anything actually, I was using the quoted words of a PP and stating that my initial position on this included this idea i.e.his friend thinking it was okay to suggest that DH had no choice but to use prostitutes, in addition to my own feelings about him suggesting it would be okay to be unfaithful to me.

OP posts:
janetforpresident · 06/06/2019 19:25

If my friend joked that she was seeing a gigilo on text I wouldn't take the opportunity to lecture her about her marriage vows and exploiting men. I would make some kind of joke. It would be ok to do this because we would know each other well enough to know that neither of us is actually going to use a male prostitute and neither of us approve of that.

It's like joking that you would cheat on your husband if Idris Elba offered. Its not serious, it's just a joke.

CassianAndor · 06/06/2019 19:27

Prostituted women are not something to joke about. What a shame so many women don’t seem to understand that.

Dewdew · 06/06/2019 19:29

There isn't even a united feminist perspective on whether prostitution is a bad thing or not. YABU to expect your partner to pull out his soap box and lecture on the ills of prostitution whenever it's mentioned to him in passing.

WhiteRedRose · 06/06/2019 19:31

"I thought people really did call others out on what they see as prejudice or inappropriate behaviour."

Sorry what world do you live in, OP?

janetforpresident · 06/06/2019 19:34

I thought people really did call others out on what they see as prejudice or inappropriate behaviour."
Yes and if the friend had actually been serious I imagine your DH would say something. He knew his friend was joking!

Winebottle · 06/06/2019 19:37

I'd be more suspicious if he replied saying he was happily married and does not exploit women. A friend should know that. If he hasn't done anything wrong, why be uptight over a joke.

Mitzicoco · 06/06/2019 19:50

What CassianAndor said.

ShowMeTheKittens · 06/06/2019 19:51

Sounds like a very creepy annoying insidious twat of a friend.

lboogy · 06/06/2019 19:52

You need to stop being so insecure- unless he's given you reason to?
Otherwise - you're b v v u

StreetwiseHercules · 06/06/2019 20:14

“Prostituted women are not something to joke about. ”

You don’t get to decide what other people should or should not joke about. It’s got nothing to do with you.

Somerford · 06/06/2019 20:37

You've been reading MN too much, OP. Everybody clapping back and calling people out. Ending discussions definitively with one-liners followed by glares and head tilts. It doesn't really happen in the real world though, not as much as the fantasists on here would have you believe. Nobody interacts with their friends that way when they've made a joke in real life.

Lifecraft · 06/06/2019 20:38

So what if something is offensive? If you are offended by something, so what? You are an adult. The world doesn’t own you an existence in which you are not offended. This comment was not said to you. It’s got nothing to do with you. Mind your own business

God, this is sooo true. I've said it before on MN, and got flamed for it, but I'll say it again, and keep saying it. So listen up folks.....

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE OFFENDED, DOESN'T MAKE YOU RIGHT.

LizzieSiddal · 06/06/2019 20:45

Not worth getting upset about. No man I know would respond in the way you wanted. Even the really good ones.

Mine would! He pulls men up on their behaviour and comments towards women ever since I’ve first known him and we’ve been married 30 years. It’s one of the reasons I love him so much.

EmeraldShamrock · 06/06/2019 20:48

Yabvu.

Lifecraft · 06/06/2019 21:51

Mine would! He pulls men up on their behaviour and comments towards women ever since I’ve first known him and we’ve been married 30 years. It’s one of the reasons I love him so much.

Just as well, because he hasn't got any other friends!

StreetwiseHercules · 06/06/2019 21:54

“You've been reading MN too much, OP. Everybody clapping back and calling people out. Ending discussions definitively with one-liners followed by glares and head tilts. It doesn't really happen in the real world though, not as much as the fantasists on here would have you believe. Nobody interacts with their friends that way when they've made a joke in real life.”

This is a very good post. It’s sad really because the crap people post on here must actually impact on people and warp them to a degree, leading to real life consequences.

notforonesecond · 06/06/2019 23:00

You sound exhausting.

Moralitym1n1 · 06/06/2019 23:12

Was your husband in Amsterdam or Bangkok? Places that cause people to instantly think about the sex industry/prostitutes.bAnd perhaps make cliched, bad joked about them.

Otherwise wtf kind of friends does your DH have, that 'joke' about a married man using prodtitured.

Moralitym1n1 · 06/06/2019 23:13

*prostitutes

NameChangeNugget · 06/06/2019 23:20

I’ve read it all now.... Hmm

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